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nickhq:

It had been a long month. A rough month. Back to back cases that stressed Nick out. That made Nick rethink on how the whole entire World works. Cases like those, cases like those made going home to Amanda much needed and wanted. He needed to go home to her. He wanted to go home to her. She was waiting in his apartment for him.It was a rough week, and yet another rough case. Nick was more affected than the rest of the squad but that didn’t matter right now. Right now, all that mattered was that he got home to Amanda. He needed to be in her arms. No sex tonight he thought to himself when leaving the Precinct. Just sleep. Sleep was what he was trying so hard not to do right now. That’s all he needed though once he got home was sleep. And to have her cuddle him and press soft kisses to his bare back like she does on the nights when he’s having trouble closing his eyes. Finally getting into his apartment, Nick closed the door and took his shoes off. He placed his jacket on the hook and did his usual routine. Seeing her sit on the couch in her pajamas already Nick smiled softly “Hi beautiful.” Nick said quietly and then walked towards her “My shirt looks good on you.” Nick leaned down and kissed her lips softly. “You took a shower without me though.” He laughed a little and then sat down on the couch, pulling her legs on top of his “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.” Taking a deep breath, Nick ran a hand through his hair and then sighed. He looked at her for a few moments and din’t say anything. He Finally put his hands on his chest and sighed “After today Manda I don’t.., I need to know that you’ll be okay without me. I need to know that you’ll be okay on your own. Cause what happened today… it can’t happen again. Fin should’ve had your back out there and he didn’t. You ran off. You ran off by yourself and disconnected your piece. You can’t do that. Not now. Not when we’re doin whatever the hell it is we’re doin. I didn’t have your back out there because we switched partners again. I know Fin is solid but today he wasn’t because you ran off on your own. I need to know that you can handle yourself out there. Cause after today I don’t think you can. Not when the bastard tried to attack you. I came running when Fin didn’t answer.” He took a deep breath and then looked at her. He could tell she was pissed at him now. He was pissed at her. She was arguing with him. She was in the wrong for today though and Nick knew it. “I’m trying to have a conversation with you about this and you’re flipping out. You ran off on your own and it can’t happen again Manda. You almost got yourself killed out there today. ” He shook his head and looked at he and then continued with “It’s like you need me out there and when I’m not with you all the time you fall apart like you did today. It is exhausting being with someone who is so.. so fucking needy!” Nick was mad now, he got up for a moment and looked at her “Fucking exhausting.”

Every case seemed never ending lately and it wasn’t like Amanda to get frustrated and want to give up but she did sometimes. She got overwhelmed quite easily and as much as she tried to fight against it in most cases, there were just some that she had to take a moment and step back. She had told Olivia that she needed to leave early after the case had gone amiss and when she was allowed, she headed straight to Nicks place. They were always at each other’s place anymore and if they weren’t at hers then she was at his; their home as she liked to call it. She made quick work to take the longest shower possible until the water turned cold and put on one of her favorite shirts of his and laid out on the couch until he was to make it home. It wasn’t long after she settled in the couch that she heard the familiar footsteps outside the door and then the key unlocking it; she gave him a smile as he walked in and sat up slightly to kiss him as he moved over to the couch. Her legs fell on top of his and she felt herself relax, something that she hadn’t done all day without him. “Yeah, well it was one of those days and I’m pretty sure that I used up all the hot water and I’m not sorry about that,” she said with a small laugh. “How was the rest of work?” There was silence between them and what was usually a comforted silence, this time there seemed to be tension in the air. She felt her heart rate escalating with each passing second and her stomach tightened the moment that words started to pour out of his mouth. She was pissed, no she was angry and she felt the blood in her veins boiling as he went off on her like she was some child and she wasn’t about to stand for that. “Are you fucking kidding me, Nick? I’m not your child and it’s not your responsibility or Fins to look after me. I know what the hell that I’m doing and I’m more than capable of handling things on my own, thank you very much. I can’t believe that you would question my ability to handle myself thinking that I need you to take care of me because news flash I’ve been taking care of myself longer than I have known you so don’t give me that shit. You just want to be the god damn hero all the time like you’re some kind of Saint. Well, let me tell you otherwise because you’re not a god damn Saint and your never will be.” His words cut like a knife and as much as she may deny it, she had become dependent on Nick for a lot and not just in work context but she didn’t need him all the time and to hear that he thought so made her angry. “I’m needy? I’m not fucking needing and I don’t need you, Nick.” She stood up as well and when his final words caught her ears, she instinctively turned back around and shoved him “I don’t fucking need you.” And when he fell into the coffee table, she felt her heart instantly stop and she froze as her eyes widened, realizing what just happened. “Nick, Nick I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating, her body frozen in place.

#Nick.#Interactions.

nickhq:

This was what he did. Time and time again. He destroyed his relationships. He couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. Nick let his emotions get the best of him. This couldn’t be happening though. Not now. Not with her. To him she was perfect. When they had their moments she was perfect and all he’s ever really wanted. Nick couldn’t do this. He couldn’t screw this up. All because the Detective was terrified that she might feel the same way he does. They’re grown adults. Why was it so hard to say those three words? The two have been hurt so many times before and that’s the reason why. At least for Nick it is, and he probably knows that’s the reason Amanda can’t say those three words to him either. Taking a deep breath, Nick looked up at the ceiling for a moment. This wasn’t what he wanted to do tonight. What he wanted to do was take her home and make love to her, thank her in the only way he knows how for bailing him out of jail. Well, for helping him get bailed out of jail. Instead though, instead Nick was acting like a total child. Pushing her away and destroying their relationship or whatever the fuck it was the two were doing. That’s the thing he didn’t know. It drove him crazy because they acted like a couple but the two never said anything. Nick wanted too but he was terrified. Terrified that it might be real. Terrified that he can be in love again. Though that was it. He was in love with her. My God Nick was in love with her. He loved her with everything he had. Nick never felt this way about anyone before, not even with Maria and not even with Cynthia. She was home. She was home to him and he needed to be home. Home was wrapped in her arms with their bare bodies pressed against one another. Home was them talking about anything and everything. Amanda was his home. It killed him. The moment she told him to go fuck himself. He said it first of course, but Nick’s chest felt heavy when he heard her say it to him and his stomach churned. Nick wanted to stop this. Nick was exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted. It was too much. He hated that he was treating her this way and it scared the hell out of him. It scared the hell out of him how vicious they can get with one another so Nick took a deep breath. He took a deep breath and a minute to collect himself. Try to calm himself down but nothing.

This wasn’t them. Now it was. But in the beginning? No. In the beginning they were happy and falling for each other. They couldn’t believe that they were doing this. Sleeping together. It took Nick a couple of times to get used to but my God was he used to her. There were nights when Nick waited for her to com home to him after work. There were nights when all Nick wanted was to hold her in his arms until they both fell asleep. He wanted her and he needed her. He couldn’t imagine his life without her now. She was the best damn thing that’s ever happened to him. They fought though. They fought hard and mean and rough. It wasn’t them and he didn’t like it but what couple or whatever the fuck they were didn’t fight? To him, sometimes it meant that when they fought they had passion. Passion that he hadn’t had or felt in a really long time. She was worth fighting for. She was worth fighting with. Sure it killed him, it killed but she was worth it. “I called you because you were the only fucking thing that was on my mind in that moment. Maybe I shouldn’t of fucking called you but I did. I just didn’t think that you’d get Munch to bail me out. How the fuck am I supposed to repay him? I don’t have that kind of money and I don’t.. you shouldn’t of fucking done it. You should’ve found another way or like you said, you should’ve fucking let me rot in jail.” Nick laughed nervously and then took a deep breath. He was tired of fighting. All Nick wanted to do right now was go home. He wanted to go home and drink. Drink all the pain and sorrow away. What Nick was doing was wrong and he knew it. He knew it was killing her, that he was killing her but Nick kept going. He kept going right for the jugular. “Manda. I can’t… I can’t keep–” Stopping himself for a moment, Nick looked at her. He wanted so badly to go up to her and pull her into a hug and not let her go. He wanted so badly to crash his lips against hers. Though Nick’s feet weren’t moving. They were staying planted on the ground. Finally clearing his throat, Nick felt fresh water fill his eyes for a moment and looked down at the ground then back up at Amanda “I do. I do need you.” Nick whispered to her and then looked at Munch for a moment whose eyes were still glued to his television. When Amanda pushed him away his chest became heavy and his stomach started to churn. This isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want them to be over. He didn’t want them to end this way. “No. Please don’t. Manda come on, please–” Nick begged her, his voice all choked up. He watched as she said goodbye to Munch and Nick pushed a strain of hair out of her face “Manda, please.. I need you.” He whispered again and felt himself get all choked up once more. Though when she didn’t answer him, Nick watched as she walked out the door. He wanted to run after her. Munch finally opened is mouth to speak “Go get her.” Was all he said and Nick took a deep breath, swallowed hard and opened up the front door. He saw her walking down from Munch’s apartment and ran after her “Manda….” Finally catching up to her, Nick stood in front of her and started to speak again “Look I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to do this and I just.. if you want to fight then we’ll fight but please don’t end this. Please don’t end this. I can’t.. I won’t be able to.. I lov–” He almost said it, he almost said those three words and then let out a frustrated groan “You can’t say that your done. You can’t say it.”

Their relationship was a whirlwind of emotions heightened by their love for each other as well as their toxic nature. She had never been in a relationship with someone like him and it was enough to make her want to scream into the void or cry under her covers for hours on end; there was no in between. It was the most exhausting yet invigorating relationship that she had ever been in and it was one that she wanted so badly to quit while also wanting to just hold onto it for as long as she could. When they were good, they were the most amazing thing that she had ever been apart of but when they were bad, it was like they were going to be the death of each other. It scared her yet it made her feel alive in such a way that she hadn’t had the chance to experience yet. Tonight, on the other hand, was one night when she had enough of the toxicity and enough of being the punching bag that she seemed to be with him especially as of late. And she had enough of everything so she decided in that moment that she was done; she couldn’t handle it anymore and she had to call it quits because if she didn’t, she didn’t know how things would end. When she left the apartment, she didn’t understand what was going to become of them but all she knew was that she couldn’t do it anymore. Her heart ached like something fierce and it felt like every bone in her entire body hurt from all the pain that she had endured. “I don’t want to fight anymore, Nick. I can’t handle this,” she said in between sobs. Her breathing was rapid and she felt her chest tighten as she looked at him. “I care for you but I can’t do this. It’s killing me and I know it’s killing you. Please I just don’t know what to do anymore,” she cried into her hands as she felt her whole body shake. “You were cruel in there. So cruel and I didn’t deserve that.”

#Interactions.#Nick.

nickhq:

Nick never asked for help, even when he was younger the man always took matters into his own hands. Though sometimes that backfired and got him into more trouble. When he first got thrown into the cop car, the one that he was so familiar with but never thought he’d be in the back of, Nick’s mind went right to Amanda. The thing was, he always wanted to help her but maybe this time she could help him and the blonde did. He got into that cell and had his one phone call, and the sound of Amanda’s voice calmed him instantly. The blonde told him to hang in there and that she was going to see what she could do, and the fact that it took a little time meant that Amanda was actually helping him. That terrified him. Reaching out for a hand wasn’t his strong suit, and Amanda knew that. Though Amanda was patient with him and supportive and eventually, when Munch showed up in that jail cell with him, Nick’s heart skipped a few beats. She cared. Amanda cared, and Nick was terrified of it. He was terrified of the thought of her loving him. Maybe, if that was the case. They never said those three words to each other but they both knew. The pair didn’t have to say anything to one another in order to know how they truly felt. It terrified him though. The thought of of her being the one. She was the first thing on his mind when he woke up, and she was the last thing on his mind when he went to sleep. He worried about her and he needed her and wanted her. The sound of her voice was sweet like honey and it made him feel safe in the darkest of times. Their bare skin touching each other and them whispering sweet nothings when they were done making love or whatever the hell it was they were doing, it terrified him and he couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. It wasn’t a bad thing. It wasn’t a bad thing at all and Nick loved her. God he loved her and the thought of Amanda calling Munch, his mentor to help him get his sorry ass out of jail made him realize that she was it. Made him realize that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Well, there were other moments that made him realize that, but Nick never said it to himself until now. Nick never wanted to admit that she was the one until now. He hated himself for acting like an asshole right now. Though it was the only thing that was keeping him from falling apart. Being a dick to her, treating her like crap. She didn’t deserve it. She deserved so much better. So much better than what he was giving her and not only did Nick know it, but Amanda knew it too.

"Fuck you, Amanda.“ Nick spat back at her. When they fought, they fought and it got ugly and scary. Some would say their relationship was toxic if they ever really saw it. The moments outside of the bullpen, the moments outside of work. He was hurting her. He was hurting himself and what they had created together. It was killing him, but right now Nick thought that it might be for the best. He knew that she didn’t like confrontation. He knew that she didn’t like shouting but Nick did it anyway, to try and get a rise out of her. He was being a complete asshole and she deserved so much better. Nick knew that after tonight things wouldn’t be the same between them. Nick knew that he was ruining the only good thing in his life right now andi t bothered him. There was no reason for it, but Nick was scared, scared of the thought of spending the rest of his life with her. Scared of the thought of of telling her he was in love with her. It was all going to go away because Nick was being an idiot. "Don’t fucking do that. Don’t fucking question how I’m acting right now. You called Munch. You fucking called Munch. Why?” It was Nick’s turn to question her. He knew why she called Munch but Nick wanted to hear it from her. Nick thought that if he heard her say those three words to him first then it wouldn’t put him a little more at ease, that it would calm his nerves. Nick took a deep breath and stood up against the door, moving his eyes towards Munch who was just starring at the television while he and Amanda were having it out in his foyer. “Fuck you Amanda.” It was the second time he said it, this was new for him and for them and Nick hated it. He hated this “You know why I fucking called you? I called you because if I had called Liv or anybody else then I’d still be in jail right now.” Taking a deep breath, it was a long fucking day and all Nick wanted to do was go home with her and sleep. He wanted her naked body pressed against his and he wanted to hold her and kiss her and make love to her. He wanted to make her feel safe, he wanted her to make him feel safe. The next words that came out of his mouth knew that he cut her with a knife. It wasn’t like him. This wasn’t him. He never said those kinds of words. It was dead silent in Munch’s apartment, so silent that you could hear a pin drop and then Munch cleared his throat for a moment, making Nick jump a little. He stood up against the door, wanting so badly to run right now but his feet weren’t moving. “Manda I.. I’m sorry..” He said quietly and then felt himself get choked up “Manda…” As far as Nick knew, he was the only one to call her that. He said it the first time when he helped her reached her climax and when she helped him reach his and it was stuck on his tongue ever since. When her hands were up in defense, Nick knew that he went too far and the man looked down at the ground. “No wait..” His heart nearly shattered into pieces when she said that this was over. That they were over. This wasn’t his plan tonight. This wasn’t what he wanted. He needed her. He wanted her “I need you. Please.” Nick whispered, and then looked up at her, his voice all choked up again “Manda.” Before he could say anything else, Nick watched as she headed over to say goodbye to Munch. He watched their interaction and heard what she had said. Nick saw Munch looking at him and Nick sighed. As she started to walk back, his heart was beating out of his chest and his palms were sweating. The thought of her leaving him was killing him. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nick fucked this up. He fucked it up. Rubbing his thumbs on her cheeks, Nick looked at her “Manda please. I’m sorry. You know that’s not me. Please. I need you. I’m sorry.” Nick whispered, he felt tears form in his eyes and Nick looked at her “Amanda don’t.. don’t go. Stay. Please.”

Amanda knew that it took a lot for Nick to ask for help, especially her help so when she got the phone call it sparked something inside of her. She hadn’t expected it and it through her for a loop but it also meant that he trusted her enough to let her help. Of course she knew that he trusted her with how their relationship had evolved but there was something about this time that brought things to a new level. And as much as she liked it, it also scared her because she had no idea what it meant for their future. She was in love with him and it was the first time that she even admitted it to herself but it was true and seeing him being thrown behind bars only cemented that feeling for her. Though as much as she thought she had done good by having Munch, a seasoned police officer, helping her it only seemed to have the opposite effect when it came down to it. She understood his anger - she really did but that gave him no right to speak to her in such a way. Her blood boiled beneath her veins and she could have spit fire if she was given the chance but she needed to calm down. He was a scared boy who was lashing out at the ones he cared about; she had seen this side to him before at work so she knew it but it was also a punch to the gut the way that he was speaking. It was almost as if she didn’t know him at all and that itself seemed to kill her more than his words. Her chest tightened and her hands balled at her sides while her nails dug into her palm as she took a step back almost as if there was an invisible source pushing her back. “Fuck me? No, fuck you, Nick.” All the love that they shared only made for their fights and arguments to feel like death and murder. Their words cut like knives and the wounds although healed were still there and this was one of the few times where they weren’t alone in their fights which made it even worse.

“I called Munch to help you ass and you can’t even be grateful enough to say thank you. I was doing you a favor but I should have left your ass in jail to rot. You called me knowing I wouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t have fucking called me, asshole.” Her words came out in a long strife and the anger behind them could be heard with every word that she said. Her body felt as if it was on fire and she could feel herself trembling as she tried to compose herself enough to leave. She should just leave and walk out the door but her feet stayed out and she couldn’t move because despite fighting with him, she still cared though she wasn’t about to show it. His nickname for her caused her heart to squeeze but she had to remain strong and firm in her words. “Don’t fucking call me that. You don’t get to call me that anymore,” she said through gritted teeth. She could sense he was getting chocked up and she avoided looking at him as much as she could because she knew that if she did, she would fall back into his arms and he didn’t deserve that. And she didn’t deserve those words for him to just take them back like nothing happened. “Clearly you don’t need me. You’ve made that abundantly clear tonight,” she said her tone staying the same despite the trembling her body was doing. His hands on her face caused her to lean into his, his words playing over and over again in her mind as if nothing from the past ten minutes even happened. “No,” she said as she pushed his hands away from her because she couldn’t handle this anymore and every bone in her body ached with sadness. “You don’t get to act like that and then expect an apology to make it right. I’m done,” she said in more of a hushed tone. “Thank you again Munch. I’ll see you later,” she called out from behind Nick and headed out the door. And when she was finally alone on the streets of New York outside of Munch’s apartment building the blonde finally broke down as her hands gripped her chest, her breathing rapid in between her sobs and she fell to the ground crying her back against the brick wall as she curled into herself thinking about what had just happened.

#Nick.#Interactions.

nickhq:

It took all of him to not find Patton right now and kill the bastard with his bare hands. But like Nick thought before, Amanda didn’t need the violence. He felt like she was dealing with enough of it already and Nick wanted to protect her from it, save her from it. In all honesty, Nick hated violence. That’s why he became a cop, so he could protect and save the people from violence that they hid within the walls of their homes. Nick knew violence all too well and it wasn’t a friend of his. Sure, he had anger issues but that was being taken care of. Nick would never, ever lay a hand on Amanda or any other women for that matter. It made him sick to his stomach just thinking about it. That’s why the other night, Nick just took it. He took Amanda’s anger and let her do whatever she wanted to him. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t right and Amanda had apologized for it, but Nick didn’t care because he loved her too much. He fell in love with her and she had become his best friend. She had become the one person who knew him inside and out. Not even his partner, Liv knew him the way that Amanda had. He had almost forgotten that they were still at work and all Nick wanted to do was take Amanda home. She worked non stop and he felt like she could use a few days off. If anything, Amanda deserved more than a few days but that wasn’t up to him. Right now, right now all Nick wanted was for her to be safe.

With the sound of her raspy voice while she talks, Nick bit down on his lips but then looked at her. Listening to her talk, Nick took a deep breath and nodded his head in agreement to her. She really never asked for much, and the least he could do this time was listen. He wasn’t going to become mean and violent. Patton didn’t deserve an ounce of their time and presence. “As much as I want to kill this son of a bitch, I won’t. He deserves to rot in jail where he belongs. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of our time or presence. Just know that I’m here with you every step of the way. Manda please know that I would never, ever hurt you. Please. Please know that.” Nick said quietly and softly, pressing his lips against hers now. This was the most vulnerable she’s ever been with him, and Nick wasn’t going to ruin that. Nick wasn’t going to take advantage of that. He would never. “I would never hurt you Manda. No matter how many toxic moments we have with one another and there’s been a few, let’s be real here, I would never hurt you. You need to know that. Please Manda. Please know that.” He was more so begging her now. Begging for her to understand that what he was saying was true. Pushing her hair out of her face, he pressed her forehead against his. This is what he wanted. What he needed. Peaceful and quiet moments with her. These were the moments when he was falling more and more in love with her. It was the quiet moments. Nick laughed a little “You’re blushing.” He said honestly and then kissed her one more time, but this time on the forehead and Nick looked at her “It’s true though. You’re beautiful and Ive said it since the day I met you.” Right now he was acting like an idiot but he didn’t care. Her whispering into the kiss, Nick moaned a little but he tried to keep quiet. They were in the locker room and the last thing he needed right now was for someone to walk in on them. Groaning in frustration when she walked away from him and grabbed her things, Nick laughed a little “Manda you can’t do that to me. I’m taking you home though. Come on.” Following Amanda outside of the locker room and into the bullpen, he rubbed his fingers through his hair and could feel Fin starring him down. Swallowing hard, Nick grabbed his things and waited for her. When she gave im the que, Nick said bye to Fin and followed Amanda. Fin knew. Of course Fin knew. Fin knew everything. He got to their car and before getting in, Nick looked at her “I’m pretty sure Fin knows about us.”

The way that Nick cared about her was unlike anything she had experienced. She didn’t have that male love growing up and she thankfully didn’t try to find that love in other men but in alcohol and gambling. But with Nick it felt different and even with their toxic moments, his love was pure and her love for him was the same. She would seriously give up a lot for him and she knew that he would have done the same despite all the bullshit that they put each other through. “I know you would never hurt me, Nick. I know that even on our worst days I know that you would never do anything to me,” she reassured him as she kissed him back and it was such a soft moment that she forgot just where they were. Amanda was never the vulnerable one but with everything that was going to happen in the next few days, she needed to be because she needed him in her corner more than she ever needed him before. She could feel the redness creeping up in her cheeks and she had to look away from him because he was right, she was blushing and she never blushed but with him it just felt so easy. “Stop that,” she said as she playfully smacked his arm and shook her head. She knew that she had gotten him when she heard the small moan and then groan of frustration and she smirked,” I just did, didn’t I?”

She wasn’t waiting long at his car before Nick came out talking about Fin knowing about the two of them. She was pretty sure that was the truth with the small comments that he would give to her throughout a case and she just chalked it up to nothing because she knew he wouldn’t say anything until one of them did. “I’m pretty sure you’re right,” she said with a laugh, “but he won’t say anything until we tell him about so I wouldn’t worry about him too much.” She was thankful for her friendship with Fin especially being the first one to tel him what happened to her and him being th shoulder that she needed to cry on in that moment. He just held her and didn’t say anything about it until she was through and it brought them closer so him knowing about her and Nick wasn’t such a bad thing. She moved to climb into the car and waited until Nick got in as well before she leaned over and kissed him again, her hands steadying on his leg as she deepened it. She moved back and leaned back against her seat before smiling back over at him. “Shower when we get home?”

#Nick.#Interactions.

nickhq:

There were times Nick and Maria were happy and in love. There were times when Nick thought that Maria was the one. Of course he did. Nick married Maria.He was thankful for Maria though. He was thankful for the love that Maria had given him, and for their beautiful daughter Zara. People grow apart sometimes though, and that’s exactly what happened. While Nick was so proud that his wife was fighting for their Country, it did cause a strain in their relationship. It wasn’t her fault though, it wasn’t his either. Sometimes people change, people grow. That’s exactly what happened. Though he had his issues, of course he did but who didn’t? Amanda and Nick had issues. They had issues that they didn’t know how to take care of, and tonight was an example of that. They were adults acting like children though and it sometimes bothered Nick but he would never say anything because in the long run, Nick knew that they both needed this. The rough sex was different and honestly, what the two were doing just a few seconds before, Nick liked it. He usually didn’t, but something about sex with Amanda made him feel things he’s never felt before. The rough sex took a turn though and that’s when it scared him. When she told him to stop. When she told him to get off of her. Did he hurt her? Did he do something that she didn’t like? Nick had so many questions running through his mind right now and all he wanted to do was hold her and tell her he was sorry. He wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay even if it wasn’t going to. Nick took a deep breath and looked at her.

The sex was always good with Amanda, there was no denying that. It was always good with her and tonight was possibly some of the best sex that they had together until it wasn’t. This was concerning him. Did he go too far? Was he really being that rough? Nick needed to know. He needed to know so he could make sure that he wouldn’t do it again. So he could make sure that they would go back to the soft and gentle sex they were having before this. So many emotions lead up to this moment and he wondered if that had anything to do with it. Nick sat there in his boxers, a little cold and now just mentally drained. It was a long fucking week, and a long fucking case. My God did she look beautiful in just his shirt though. This was all new to him. Amanda never freaked out like this. It didn’t bother him that she freaked out, of course it didn’t. He’d be an asshole if it did. Nick was just really worried. Once he moved closer to her, Nick pushed her hair out of her face and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Manda. Talk to me. Please.” Nick whispered, and watched as the tears rolled down her face. He looked at her, and Nick kissed her lips softly and then he pulled away. When she begged him to stop talking about it, his chest became heavy but Nick nodded. he wasn’t going to argue with her right now. Not tonight at least. Obviously she was exhausted as well but Nick took a deep breath, and placed soft kisses on her back while he ran his fingers through her hair “Manda… I’m here.” Nick said as quietly as possible “I’m here. We won’t have rough sex. I should’ve asked. I should’ve asked if.. if you wanted too and I–” Stopping himself, Nick just let out a sigh and kissed her back again “You want to take a shower or somethin, maybe it’ll make you feel better..” Nick had no idea what to do now, so he just laid there and sighed “Amanda, come here…” Nick pulled her on top of him now, her straddling him now “Tell me what you need.”

Amanda had never expected to fall so hard and so fast for Nick and the fact that he made her feel things that she hadn’t ever felt only made things more complicated in her eyes. He was so unexpected in her life that still to this day she didn’t know how to handle. Growing up she didn’t exactly have the picture perfect upbringing of love and she worked so hard to get out from under her family’s spell that she had missed opportunities for love a lot but she didn’t mind because she was focused. Focused on her career but now with Nick in her life, it felt different in such a good way that she didn’t know how to handle it sometimes and so their relationship had their ups and downs but she knew that they were going to find a way to make things work in the end, they always did. But tonight get like they were starting over and a part of her past that she had avoided even thinking about was coming back to haunt her and she couldn’t even bare to speak of it to him. She knew Nick so she knew that as soon as she said something, he was going to look at her differently and she liked the way that he looked at her now, she finally admitted to herself.

When he kept asking about what happened, she could have made up an excuse as to what it was but she was too stunned to even speak and her mind was only replaying the night with Patton instead of the night that she was having with Nick before things took a turn for the worst. He was being gentle though and it made her body shiver when his lips found her skin. She wasn’t ready to tel him what happened just yet but she knew that this night would have to have a conversation as to what exactly caused her freak out and subsequently everything that was bound to follow. When she found herself getting calmed to the point where she could look at him without feeling as she was going to burst into tears, she kissed him softly. “No, please don’t apologize. I swear that it wasn’t you and I swear that I will tell you but just not tonight okay? I just can’t talk about it tonight,” she whispered against his lips before pulling back to look at him. God she really did love him didn’t she? She felt him pull her body on top of his and with her hands on his chest, she just looked at him with a shrug. “I don’t know what I need,” she said with honesty. She didn’t know what was going to make her feel better in this moment but she knew that she just wanted to be with him. “I just want to be with you. I’m sorry,” she whispered as she placed another kiss to his lips. “Will you just hold me and promise to not let me go? Please.”

#Nick.#Interactions.

nickhq:

Nick wanted her to be safe. He wanted her to feel safe and right now the Detective knew that she didn’t feel safe. Right now he knew that she was terrified and Nick made a promise to himself that he’ll be there for her every step of the way. No matter how much she closed herself off. He needed her to know that he would never hurt her. He needed her to know that no matter how angry Nick got, or how drunk he would never hurt her. Not in the way that Patton had. Not in the way that so many others had. She needed to make him a list. A list of all the people who had hurt her so Nick could personally kick their asses. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve all the hurt and pain she was feeling right now. Amanda was such a huge bright light in his life and Nick was grateful for her. He was grateful for their friendship. For their flirtatious banter. For the nights when they would have sex and fuck. For the nights they talked about anything and everything. She made him happy. Happier than he’s been in a really long time. All Nick wanted to do was return the feeling. He wanted to make her the happiest she’s been in a long time. There were moments within their relationship or whatever it was that he thought he was doing that, but now he wasn’t so sure. After everything that had happened the few nights before, Nick wasn’t so sure. Though he knew that she knew how he felt about her. They didn’t even have to say those three words to one another. It was all within in the eyes. It was all within the way their hearts beat when they were together. At some point though, at some point Nick wanted to get the courage in order to say those three words to her. She deserved that much. She deserved so much. So much happiness and so much love.

He had wished he known. Nick wish he knew what was going on with her just a few days before. So he had a better understanding. A better understanding on how she was feeling. There was no right or wrong answer when your rapist was close to you and even if Nick never felt that personally, he knew Amanda was dealing with it and feeling it right now and it terrified him. He didn’t want her to have to deal with this. He didn’t want her to spiral. He had watched her spiral before and right now Nick just wanted to protect her. Protect her and love her and be there for her. That’s all he wanted. That’s all Nick wanted to do was tell her that he wasn’t going anywhere , because he really wasn’t. He was going to be by her side every step of the way. “I’m not going anywhere Amanda. I’ll be right here. I know Barbra will get him, but I just wish I can hurt him the way that he hurt you even worse because he’s a fucking asshole who shouldn’t be here. He’s a fucking sorry ass example of a human being and I just want– ” Stopping himself for a moment, Nick realized that Amanda didn’t need violence right now. She didn’t need anger. She needed calmness and peacefulness. He ran a finger through his hair and sighed. Nick shook his head in disagreement “You are not damaged. Stop. You’re beautiful and you have one of the biggest hearts I know. I lo–” He was trying to say it and Nick got frustrated that he couldn’t. Letting out a shaky breath, and laughed a little “I am a mess. We’re both messes but you’re my mess and I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He was thankful that she pressed her lips against his and Nick deepened the kiss, this time adding tongue and he moaned a little. “Let me take you home. Let me make you feel good.” Nick whispered and then continued with “Just no rough sex. I don’t like it and I don’t want to do what I did to you the other night again.” Kissing her deeper, Nick had almost forgotten that they were still at work. They were being risky but at this point he didn’t care “Manda..” He said within the kiss and then added tongue again “Stop talking. Let’s go home.” He kissed her softly and slowly “I want to take you home.”

Amanda was glad when Nick wanted to protect her even though she wouldn't actually let him do anything that would cause an issue in the end. Just him being around for her and making sure that she wasn't alone was the only thing that she was asking for. He made her feel safe despite everything that happened the previous night; he didn't know though and if he had, they wouldn't have been in that situation. It was hard enough reliving that night over in her head the moment that she heard through the grapevine that he was coming to New York, but with the squad now knowing she felt better. She had worked through it alone for so long that she almost forgot that she didn't have to be alone anymore. It felt good to know that she had people that had her backs regardless of anything else and Nick was one of them - the most important one that is. The blonde knew that things would be over before she knew it and she had to just get through the next couple of days and everything would go back to normal. She knew that with Nick by her side, she could get through it.

"I know Barba will and that's why I don't want you to go after him. He will get what is coming to him one way or another for the things that he has done and he's the one that is going to have to answer for them afterwards so please, I'm begging you to just not do anything. You know I don't ask for much, but this is the one thing that I'm asking you of." She felt more at peace than she had in the last couple of days knowing that Nick was right by her side and even though she knew of his anger, she knew that he was trying to be there for her in a way that they both hadn't had to be there for each other before. This was all new territory for the both of them and while she felt nervous about where they were headed, she knew that she loved him and this moment confirmed all of it. With his compliments, she felt herself blushing and shaking her head. "Shut it," she whispered into the kiss before he deepened it and she pulled herself closer to him. "Okay. Take me home," she said pulling away from him and grabbing her things. She stopped by Liv's office to let her know that she was leaving before getting the okay and headed to Nick's car so they could head home; their home.

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

Nick had wished he had asked. He wish he had asked if it was okay that they were having rough sex. They never have rough sex. Nick didn’t even have rough sex in general. Sometimes he did but it was rare. Usually it was with a one night stand so it could be quick and over with. Though Amanda was no one night stand. She was much more than that to him. When they had sex, when they fucked, he wanted her to feel safe with him. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him. Nick was always so soft and gentle with her. Nick wanted to feel every touch. Wanted to feel their naked bodies pressed against one another. Nick wanted to savor every kiss planted to her bare skin. He wanted to make her feel good and he thought he was doing that. Nick thought being soft and gentle was the way to go when the two first started sleeping together. God they were good together. He’s made her feel good and she’s made him feel good. The two needed each other. They were electric when they were together. Nick cared about her. He cared about her more than he cared about himself. To say that Nick loved her was an understatment. Their first kiss, he was hooked.

Nick was worried about her. He was always going to be worried about her. There was something about her that made him sad though and Nick wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was because she held everything in, and when she finally let it all out, she was sad and it was heart braking. It was heart braking for him to see her this way. He didn’t like it. He wanted so much to be able to carry whatever pain it was she was feeling for her but he couldn’t. When he pounded into her, Nick felt their bodies trembling together. This was new and it scared him a little if he were being honest. He felt her nails dig into his skin and Nick had let out a moan before. This was a new side to her and Nick wished he had known about it before. As soon as he stopped though, Nick knew that something was wrong. Nick knew that something had happened. Her body was trembling, and she was hitting him again but her body wasn’t trembling in the way that he made it tremble just two seconds before. This was different. Nick watched as she put his shirt on and all Nick wanted to do right now as hold her. Running a hand through his hair, Nick let out a breath and sighed. He didn’t know what was happening and he didn’t know what to say. Something was wrong. Something wasn’t right and Nick needed to know. He needed to know what was wrong. He needed to know what happened. “Manda.” Nick finally whispered and moved a bit closer to her. He watched as tears fell down her face and seeing her cry always made his heart feel heavy. Shaking his head, Nick opened his mouth to speak again “Manda. Something’s wrong. What happened?” He questioned her and continued with ‘Did I do something? Did I hurt you? Please tell me because I’m sorry if I.. we just—“ Stopping himself, he shook his head in agreement "Yeah no. We can just lay here.” Nick said quietly, and finally let her be the little spoon. He felt her body and she was shaking with fear and Nick placed a soft kiss to her shoulder “Manda. Please.. did I hurt you…” Nick held her and took a deep breath. He starred at her back and placed soft kisses to it “Manda. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Amanda didn't know what had gotten into her lately with the jealousy that came about in the face of Maria. She knew that being involved with Nick meant that she was going to have to deal with Maria in one way or another especially due to Zara. It wasn't exactly easy knowing their past nor was it easy to forget that she was his before Amanda was. Normally, she wouldn't ever have to worry about being jealous but maybe it was because she cared so fiercely for Nick than she had ever felt for another person that it just made her that way. Being with Nick made her the best and worst version of herself and as much as she loved him, she knew that they were too toxic to last. Amanda, though, was going to make sure that she held on for dear life for as long as she could before she would have to give him away but that time seemed to be coming sooner than she had even anticipated. The moment that she put her hands on him was the moment that their relationship changed; he knew it and so did she. How it was going to change was still to be determined but there was no going back to what they used to be when violence came out and she wouldn't blame anybody but herself for her actions.

What was probably one of their best nights together in bed was also the worst and the images that plagued her brain were not fading as quickly as she would have hoped. It was like she was back in that room with Patton and every thing that he did caused a shiver to her skin - and not the good kind. The way that his breath felt on her skin, his hands tightening around her wrists, and the noises coming from him were like it was just happening and she knew that it was Nick next to her, but she couldn't shake it. Even after putting on his shirt and curled up next to him, her body kept shivering like she was in a ice bath of sorts. Her breathing was short and rapid as the panic set through her over the course of the next few minutes and as much as she tried to she couldn't shake the feeling. She knew that Nick was speaking to her but it felt like she was underwater and nothing he said made sense anymore but the more she tried to focus on just the two of them, the clearer her mind became. His lips on her back felt comforting but she didn't want to talk about it; she couldn't talk about it as much as she knew that he wanted to know what was going on with her, she couldn't. "Nick," she started, "Please stop. It was nothing that you did and I don't want to talk about it. Please just leave it alone tonight. Please." It was more of her begging him than actually asking him to leave it alone but she couldn't face it yet despite knowing that he deserved an answer.

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

Nick was spiraling and he knew it. Usually the Detective was able to keep a better hold on his emotions but lately things have been happening that made his blood boil. Like getting his ass thrown in jail for attacking a sex offender. The events that had played out messed his mind up. He thought he was doing good. Trying to stop Wilks from hurting another child. Trying to get another sex offender off the streets. Though Nick went about it the wrong way. Nick didn’t even throw the first punch, Wilks did but Nick would never admit that. When he got arrested, he knew that he had one phone call and Nick knew that Amanda would be there. Nick knew that Amanda would some how help him. He just needed to hear her voice. The sound of her voice made him calm and made him feel at peace. Though right now, right now after everything that had happened, it didn’t. He was pissed. Munch worked hard for his money. Munch worked fucking hard and he used his pension and savings to bail Nick out and it bothered him. It bothered him so much. It bothered him that Amanda even thought to call Munch. Maybe she didn’t even ask Munch to bail him out. Maybe she just told Munch that he was in jail. Either way, Nick was pissed but he was grateful and just couldn’t show it. Didn’t want to show it. Nick didn’t want to accept the fact that she cared about him. It scared him that she did. It scared him that she was willing to help him. She did help him. She helped him in the best way possible. She called Munch. Amanda had called Munch, the one person Nick really looked up too. The one person who Nick saw as not only a mentor but more so a father figure. It killed him that Amanda turned to him. He knew what that meant. He knew why Amanda did it. He was to afraid to admit it.

Nick saw that her face fell. She looked gorgeous though, whatever she did to her hair tonight Nick thought she looked beautiful. Amanda was always beautiful but for some reason tonight Nick couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Letting out a nervous laugh, Nick looked at her. “You got me bailed out of jail?” He questioned her and then shook his head “I didn’t see you comin up with the money. That was all Munch.” It was harsh and he was being a dick but it was the truth. He wasn’t sure why he was starting with her. He hated this. He hated that he was feeling this way right now. Nick turned back to look at Munch who gave Nick a look and he sighed. Nick wasn’t sure what bothered him the most, Munch bailing him out or Munch now knowing that he and Amanda were whatever it was they were to one another. Taking a deep breath, he ran his fingers through his hair again and “You and me?” He questioned her again, this time angrier “Amanda, there’s no fucking you and me. I wouldn’t of fucking gotten my ass chewed out in jail. My fists are what put me in jail in the first place.” Nick yelled at her and then Munch cleared his throat. All he wanted was her and all he needed was her. “I don’t even know why I fucking called you. Really. I mean, I could’ve called Munch myself if I knew that’s what you were going to do. Good, because I don’t fucking need it. I don’t need your help and I don’t fucking need you.” He sounded like an idiot. Nick sounded like a dumb teenager but right now he was so angry. So angry at himself that he wasn’t able to say those three words to her. Angry at himself that he was treating her like shit when she deserved so much better. He walked up to her, looked at her and licked his lips. Opening his mouth to speak again, Nick scoffed and said quietly “You know, just because Ive made you fucking cum a few times doesn’t mean you get to fucking care about me. It doesn’t mean you get to fucking help me. I don’t need your help.” He was terrified. Terrified of loving her because if he loved her than it was real. What they had was real and right now, Nick knew for a fact that he was screwing everything up. The moment he opened his mouth to speak just now, Nick knew he went to far. “Manda..” He said quietly, looking down and realizing that Munch was still sitting behind them, watching television. Though Nick damn well knew that Munch was listening in on their heated argument. Nick backed up to the door and placed his hands behind his back and shook his head “I don’t need this. Right now, I don’t need us fighting about something fucking stupid. I should’ve called Munch myself in the first place. Shouldnt of gotten you involved.”

Amanda knew from the moment that she got the phone call from Nick and then her calling Munch that it wouldn't have been a good thing. Nick had his pride and he didn't like it when others were in his business let alone helping him when he needed it. She knew from experience that he was more of a help you type of guy than be helped but the blonde could not sit back and let him stay behind bars for no reason whatsoever. And maybe she shouldn't have taken the step to call Munch but as much as she wished she had the money to bail him out herself, her gambling recently had taken a turn for the worse and she was barely making ends meet. It was definitely not something that she wanted to admit to anybody but she had shared the situation with Munch and promised to pay him back - though the older man told her that it wasn't necessary. Just like Nick, she didn't want to have to rely on someone else to help but she wanted Nick out of there and she would have given anything to make it happen and she did. As angry as she knew that Nick would be, she didn't expect him to be as ungrateful and mean as he was. They have had their fair share of arguments and fights before due to his anger but this was another side of him that she had never expected to see and to say that it caught her off guard was an understatement. She didn't want to do this in front of Munch, in his home let alone, and she hated that Nick was being like this.

"You're right, Nick I didn't come up with the money but I was the one that even called Munch in the first place. I should have left your ass in jail then if this is how you are going to act." Her anger was up and the walls that had fallen around him before had gone back up with the way that he was acting. There was something behind his words tonight that caught her off guard and she couldn't quite figure out exactly what it was that was behind them. It was almost as if he was a wounded animal that was scared of anybody that was getting close in fear that they would hurt them further but his words cut like a knife and the more he spoke, the more the knife severed the pieces of her heart. "Are you serious right now? You're really going to be like this," she said in an almost disbelief tone because this wasn't her Nick that was standing in front of her. This was the version of himself that she hated and she knew that he hated this version of himself, too but for some reason the gloves were on and he was in a fighting mood. "That's right you prefer to do everything alone. Got it. If you didn't need my help then you shouldn't have fucking called me. You knew the moment that you did, I would do what I needed to do to make sure that you got out of there so don't you dare put this shit on me. You should and could have called anybody else for gods sake but you wanted me to help you so don't deny that shit now." Her hands started to shake and she felt the red hot anger coming in waves because part of her knew that he was just scared but she would not be his punching bag and let him take whatever frustrations that he had out on her. To say that she was stunned by the next words that came out of his mouth was an understatement and she felt the tears start to well in her eyes. She looked away from him and shook her head as she tried to collect herself before she looked back at him. "Wow, Nick. That is a new time low even for you," she muttered, her heart beating against her chest harder than it was before. "Do not call me that," she said, her hand up in defense as she nodded her head and took a deep breath. "You're right. This is over and I'm gone for good. Don't you worry about that." She headed over to the couch where Munch was sitting and gave him a hug before she left. "I'm sorry about him and even if he won't say it, thank you." She grabbed her belongings and headed toward the door before looking at Nick one more time. "Just remember you did this. Not me."

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

Nick had fallen in love with her. He wasn’t trying to, but somehow she became the most important thing to him. In the beginning of their relationship, they were good. They were happy. They were soft and gentle and getting to know one another outside of work. She opened up to him. She opened up to him like she’s never done before and he was grateful for it. Amanda didn’t tell him every single little detail about her, but she told him enough. Enough for him to think that she’s perfect. Even if the two have flaws, he always thought that she was perfect. God she was gorgeous. Every part of her was gorgeous. Nick had come to realize that his favorite thing was her laugh. She didn’t do it often, but when she did, her laugh was contagious and it was a laugh that she reserved only for him. So Nick tried to get her to laugh as much as possible. The sound of her laughter made his heart flutter and he felt like a teenage boy every time he heard her laugh. Especially if it was that laugh. She hasn’t done it in a while and it killed him. His other favorite thing about her was her smile. She didn’t do that often either but my God when she did it was like sunshine. Her smile was like sunshine and Nick loved it. At night when they’d talk about anything and everything, she’d place soft kisses on his bare back or she’d lay on his chest and the amount of times Nick wanted to say those three words to her, he stopped because he didn’t want to ruin anything. What they had in the beginning was good. Now, now they were spiraling and becoming toxic but Nick didn’t care. He needed her. He wanted her. He loved her. He loved her with everything he had and it terrified him. Terrified him on what he would do for her. He was willing to risk and loose everything just for her. Nick triggered her the other night/. He triggered her and he hates himself for it. The way she broke down. The way she looked at him. The way she begged him to stop. It killed him. The thought of her rapist being within inches from him made his skin crawl. That’s why he was willing to risk and loose everything he had just so Nick could protect her. Just so Nick could do right by her. She deserved better. Better than what life had handed to her and he wanted to make sure that she knew that. He wanted to make sure that he was the one who made it better for her. Nick was willing to work on himself. He was willing to work on himself for them. For her. She deserved that much. She deserved someone in her corner. Nick had fallen in love with her. It was one of the best things he’s ever done.

"Amanda.“ Nick breathed and then looked at her, eyes filled with water. He hated seeing her in pain and right now he could tell that she was. Right now he could tell she was terrified. "Amanda. I want to kill this guy so fucking badly. You–” Stopping himself, he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair “The thought of someone touching you, the thought of someone hurting you makes me fucking sick. I feel like fucking throwing up. I want to kill this guy so fucking badly. Please. Let me at least beat the shit out of him. I don’t want him anywhere near you because I swear I’ll kill him.” Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Nick truly hated this. He hated that she had to be up against him. He hated that Barbra was making her relive one of the most horrible moments of her life but he understood it. So she could help Detective Taymor. So she could help put this bastard away for good. Looking at her with sad eyes, he got all choked up again “Baby. You’re not damaged. You are not damaged You are so beautiful. You are one of the strongest and most badass people I know. I lov–” Stopping himself again, he let out a frustrated groan and he wished he could say it but he couldnt. Cause if he said it, then it’d be real. Then hed be in it for the long run and there was no turning back. That’s what Nick wanted though but he wasn’t sure if she wanted it. He wasn’t sure if she wanted that with her. “Baby I get it. We were drunk. We had too much to drink and we just lost control a little. It’s okay. Stop apologizing please.” Taking a deep breath, Nick looked at her and pushed her hair out of her face “You’re beautiful. You know that?” Nick questioned her and placed a soft kiss to her temple. With her face buried in his chest, he could feel her body trembling and not the way that he made her body tremble. This was terror. This was her being scared. “You look beautiful. You don’t look like crap.” Nick said honestly and then continued with “Yeah. Maybe we should get going. I want to take you home. You can shower and we can just sit and relax today.” His chest felt heavy. He wanted to carry this pain for her. “I’m right here baby. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You know that? I mean it Manda.”

Amanda didn’t expect to fall in love with Nick, hell she didn’t even want to fall in love with someone but it came so unexpectedly that it threw her head for a loop. It had been the first relationship that made her feel scared to lose another person. Never before had she felt this way about someone, not even close and while it scared her it also excited her. She could say that with every fiber of her being that Nick was the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with but she wouldn’t admit it yet. She didn’t want to ruin a good thing by letting those three words get in the way of everything else that they have built up. It was like an unspoken feeling between the both of them and they didn’t have to actual say the words to know how each other were feeling. It was there and even on their worst days they felt it. Even if he was being an asshole, they could never stay mad at each other for too long and he always made sure to take her feelings into consideration with everything that they did together. He always listened when she needed an ear, he always held her even when she didn’t want to be her but needed it, he always made sure that she felt like she was important even when she didn’t feel as if she was. She never expected all of this to happen especially while he was with Maria and she felt bad that she had fallen for him but she never regretted it one bit.

The blonde had a lot on her mind especially the past couple of days but the conversation that they were having now meant more to her than even he knew. It was nice for him to be able to be there for her despite everything that was going on and she held him like a white night that was coming to save her though she knew that she didn’t really need it. “Nick, stop. I know you want to kill him and beat the shit out of him but that’s not something that you can do. He will eventually get what’s coming to him and I know for a fact that he won’t get away with this. I know this is just as hard on you as it has been on me knowing what he has done but I’m okay. I mean I’ll be okay as long as you are by my side and I can’t do that when you are not around.” She let out a sigh as she shook her head,” I am damaged and that doesn’t define me but I am damaged. I’m a mess and you know that with how many times that you’ve been there to clean up my messes. I mean I think we’re both a mess and I’m not sure if that’s gonna change any time soon.” When he started to say that he loved her, she knew that’s what he was going to say but he stopped himself and Amanda wanted to tell him to keep going but she didn’t. She ran her fingers through her hair before she pressed her lips together. “I won’t stop apologizing. I mean there are no apologies in the world that could make up for what happened,” she said with a sigh as he swept the hair from her face which made her heart race. His compliments caused her to blush slightly before nodding her head. “That sounds like the perfect night after all of this,” she said with a small sigh before she leaned forward and placed a small kiss on his lips. “Thank you, seriously.”

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

He knew about her gambling problem and the other coping mechanisms Amanda used. Sex and alcohol were big ones not only just for her but for him too. When they got together at first it was just sex, at first he was just using her. But he hated that feeling. He hated that he was “using” her and Nick realized that she hated it to . So when the Detective had suggested that they take things slow, see where it would take them, he was glad that Amanda agreed. He knew about her background and where she came from, Nick didn’t know the full details but the man knew enough. Of course Nick knew her sister too and what she had put not just Amanda but her family through and there was a part of him that always felt bad for Amanda. A part of him that was angry with Kim for how ungrateful she was. He watched first hand when Kim cleared Amanda’s apartment and Amanda broke down in tears in front of him. That was the first time he’s seen her cry. It killed him. He had a pit in his stomach for days. The outburst cry of her reminding them that Kim was her sister. It killed him, it was heartbreaking and he hated seeing her like that. It stayed with him for a while. It was then and there that all Nick wanted to do was protect her. It was then and there that all Nick wanted to do was keep her safe from all the sadness she had felt. He could tell that there was a life time of sadness in her and she didn’t deserve it. Amanda deserved better. His mind though, his mind thought that he would be able to give her that. Something better. At first it was. At first they were good and then within time they weren’t. He never judged her for her drinking. She didn’t have a problem. She knew how to handle herself. Though those morning regrets bothered him. He would sit and watch her empty her stomach before they headed into work but he sat there holding her hair back. He loved her though. God he loved her with every thing he had and it scared it. He never felt this way about anyone, not even with Maria.

She was already so wet for him and Nick loved it. He became a cocky asshole when he was able to make her wet before they got started. His grunts became louder and his breaths became heavier “Manda you’re so fucking wet for me.” He whispered into her ear and continued to pound into her harder and faster. He kissed her rough and tugged on the bottom of her lips “Fuck.” Was all he could say and Nick could feel herself getting more wet. It wasn’t ever like this for them. The roughness. They were soft and gentle with one another. Though for some reason tonight, for some reason Nick decided to be rough with her and to say he wasn’t enjoying himself was an understatment. She was helping though. The feel of her naked body on his made him go harder and she was riding him. “Come on Manda.” Nick whispered again and felt like she was about to reach her climax. He’s done it a few times, helped her reach her climax. Though this time it felt different. He could tell. When she pulled her closer to him, Nick held her face in his hand for a moment and kissed her hard as he rammed into her. The moans escaping from her lips only turned him on more and Nick just wanted her. Needed her. He needed her to reach her climax. When her lips nibbled on his neck he grunted loudly and continued to pound her and Nick feel that she was almost ready. Sweating and out of breath, Nick heard her say stop and Nick stopped right away “Manda..” He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes filled with worry. He let out a shaky breath now, wondering if he did something to hurt her. And Nick looked at her “Amanda..” Letting go of her hands, Nick got off of her finally and watched as her back was already facing him. “No. Amanda, stop. What happened?” He questioned her, now scrambling to find his boxers. Throwing them on, Nick got back on the bed again and handed her his shirt “Did I hurt you?” He felt like an idiot for asking but he needed to know. He watched as her face went from pleasure to complete terror and Nick had no idea what the fuck he just did. “Amanda.. what do you need?” He questioned her, and watched as she rocked back and forth. He could see the fresh water already filling her eyes. “Manda talk to me. Did I hurt you?” Nick pulled the sheets up on top of them, and he laid back against the bed frame “Amanda.. what’s going on. Did I hurt you?” Nick asked again, he could feel her whole body trembling and it wasn’t with pleasure, it was with fear and it scared him “Manda…”

Even on her worst days, she knew that Nick would be by her side throughout it all. He was there when Kim took everything from her and when she didn’t know what she as going to do to her own gambling issues with no second guessing. He was the last person that she thought about before going to bed and the first person that she thought about the next morning. She felt very vulnerable around him but he always made her feel secure in ways that she hadn’t felt with anybody else. There was a way to their relationship that she couldn’t explain to anybody and she wanted to keep it just them for as long as she could. There was so much love between the two of them that seeped into every aspect of their lives despite trying so hard for it to not to.

Their usual soft and slow was rough and hard and it was everything that she needed in that moment. The anger and fear that she had earlier in the bar came out in the roughness and when he would pound into her, every part of her body felt in fire. Her body moved in time with his and her fingers gripped his back, her nails digging into his skin as she felt herself getting closer and closer. His words turned her in and she felt the heat inside of her start to boil but then she begged him to stop snf while he didn’t know why she had asked him, he immediately did what she asked. When he handed her his shirt, she quickly put it back in as she just laid there. There was a ringing in her ears and she heard him speaking but it was as if she didn’t have a voice. Tears continued to fall down her cheeks and she just continued to rock back and forth and her chest ached for both herself and for him. She wanted so badly to tell him what happened but she couldn’t in that moment. After what felt like hours and she finally turned to look at him, she sighed. “You didn’t do anything. I’m okay,” she whispered. “I don’t want to do this tonight. Can we just lay here?”

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

PAST PARA; AMARO’S ONE EIGHTY; AFTER MATH

It had been a hell of a fucking week. It had been a hell of a fucking month. At least it was for Nick. He felt like things for him had been going downhill and the Detective wasn’t sure why. He was good, or well he was at least trying to be good. There were so many things going wrong in his life right now and all Nick wanted to do was be alone. All Nick needed was to nurse a few bottles of beer and drown in his sorrows. That’s all he needed and wanted. Not tonight though. Tonight he was staying at Munch’s place. Tonight he had just gotten home from being in jail for a while. Something that Nick could argue about for hours. There was no reason for him to be in jail. Well there was, but it was stupid reason. It was self defense. Though that’s what his lawyer wanted people to believe. Wilks deserved every hit that got to him. Nick couldn’t stomach the guy. Though spending a little while in jail wasn’t his favorite thing. He’s a Detective for the NYPD, sex crimes out of all the units and you’d think that Nick would’ve been used to jail and the stories but he really wasn’t. It wasn’t bad, no one bothered him but Nick couldn’t wait to get out of there. He wanted to be with Amanda. That’s all he wanted. However, when Nick realized that it was Amanda who called Munch to bail him out, all of his walls went up. For some reason he was terrified. Why would she do that for him? Sure, she was his one call that he had once getting arrested, but she went above and beyond. No one has ever done anything like that for him and she knew how much John meant to him. John was the kind of father he wished he had. John Munch was the mentor who taught him more than he has ever known. It was John who bailed him out of course, but it was Amanda who told him so.

Once standing in the living room of John’s apartment, Amanda was with them about to leave. He was annoyed. He wasn’t annoyed, he was more so scared. Terrified of the idea that she just went above and beyond for him and Nick had no idea what to do next. It was like he froze all the sudden now when it came to her. His chest was beating fast and he could tell that Munch wasn’t really watching tv. “You know… I didn’t ask for you to call him!” Nick yelled for a moment and then continued with “I would’ve figured it out myself Amanda.” Taking a deep breath, he looked at Munch for a second and then at Amanda again and sighed. He was too tired to fight but Nick just had to start and argument. He had too, he needed to see what she was going to say. What she was going to tell him. She shouldn’t of called Munch. He would’ve been just fine in jail. “I would’ve been fucking fine in jail. You didn’t have to call him. I didn’t ask for you to call him!” He yelled again but took another deep breath, Nick ran his fingers through his hair once more and looked at her “I didn’t fucking ask for you to call him! I didn’t fucking ask for you to help me.” Oh but he did, that’s where Nick was wrong. He asked for her help the minute he used her as his get out of jail phone call. Nick looked at her “I didn’t fucking ask for your help.”

From the moment that they caught the case and the events thereafter, Amanda was nothing but worried about Nick. Everything about what happened seemed wrong and he didn’t deserve to be in jail. When he called her - shockingly being the one phone call - she could hear it in his voice how scared and pissed off he was and she didn’t blame him. There were so many thing that were going through their mind that she didn’t know how to begin to figure things out. The only thing that she knew to do was to call Munch and ask him for his help. He was the one that she trusted to help and she knew that he was the best mentor to Nick so it felt only fitting for him to be the one that bailed the detective out. The drive home from the precinct to Johns apartment was uncomfortable and silent for the most part. Amanda sat in the back seat, her hands shaking ever so slightly as she could tell that there was a lot on Nicks mind than he was letting in. He barely even looked at her when they came out of the precinct and didn’t even talk to her when they got into the car which was unusual for the pairing.

Amanda wanted to make sure that both boys got settled in okay offering to order them take out before she left. She grabbed her coat and purse and went to give Munch a hug and was about to step toward Nick when he started to talk. He had the look on his face that she was well equipped with handling but her heart sank ever so slightly when he started to yell at her. “Are you serious? I got your ass bailed out of jail and this is how you’re going to play it?” Her anger was starting to increase the more that he yelled and she was almost certain that Munch was very much listening to them and so be it. She didn’t care if he thought they were more than what they were because she knew that he wouldn’t tell anybody and kept to himself more than he was in peoples business. “You would have gotten your ass chewed out in jail and we both know it. You didn’t deserve to be there in the first place so I’m sorry that I decided to call the one person that I knew would help you and me. God are you really that ungrateful?” He had called her and even if he didn’t specifically ask her to bail him out, she did anyway because he meant something to her and he did not deserve to be there so she want going to let him sit behind bars for no reason. “You knew that I would help you the moment that you called me so don’t you dare put that shit on me. If you wanted to sit in that cell, you could have called anybody else so don’t bullshit me. You wanted my help but I’ll make sure that never happens again.” The blonde shook her head and scuffed. “Screw you, Nick. Seriously screw you. I’m done.”

#past interactions.#nick.

oliviabensonhq:

Even though Nick was Olivia’s partner back then, she had come to known him as protective of the people he loved. She wasn’t sure what Nick and Amanda’s relationship was, but the older women always caught them flirting with one another and it made her laugh sometimes because they reminded her of her relationship with Elliot. Or whatever that relationship was. Which is a whole other story and something that Olivia hates talking and thinking about. Its a touchy subject for the brunette. Seeing Nick and Amanda together was a shock. Then when Amanda told her that she was pregnant with Jessie, it was even a bigger shock considering the blonde always mentioned that she didn’t want kids. There was a moment when Olivia instantly thought it was Nick’s, but Amanda kept telling not only her but everyone that it wasn’t his. The moment Jessie was born though, the eyes weren’t Amanda’s. They looked like Nick’s and the brunette never said anything. She kept her mouth shut.

Of course Olivia kept her mouth shut. It wasn’t her business. If Nick was the father of Jessie then it was Amanda’s business and not everyone else’s. Though the blonde was adamant about Nick not being the father. However when Nick showed up, the two looked awful cozy again and the older women couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. She always wanted to know why they ended things or whatever it was that hey were doing. It couldn’t of been because he was moving to California. That was too cliché. There had to be something else. Olivia cared about her Detectives. They were her family. If Liv had to finally get the answers she wanted out of the blonde then so be it. Once Amanda sat in the chair across from Olivia’s desk, she smiled softly back at the blonde. “I mean it in the best way possible.” Lying a little bit, she sighed when she heard Amanda talk. She could see it in her face that something was wrong . That something was bothering her. “You got anything you want to share? It’s a paper work kind of day so we have some time.” Olivia said honestly and then listened to Amanda continue to speak “Zara and Gabe are not my concern right now. My concern is you.” Taking a deep breath, Olivia took a sip of her coffee and moved some files on her desk “What even were you two? When you told me you were pregnant with Jessie you demanded that she wasn’t Nicks. So I know it was something sexual but I don’t know.. was it something more?” She questioned the blonde and then laughed a little “She is sassy. She has your personality. She makes me laugh whenever I see her. Look, Amanda I hate to be an asshole right now, but…” Stopping herself for a moment, the brunette looked at the blonde “Not really. There’s nothing for me to talk about. What I want to know is.. did Nick know about Jessie? I never mentioned anything to him that you had kids. I always assumed you or Fin had told him.” She sighed and then continued with “He called me last night before boarding his plane, saying that she looks just like you. I was confused at first but then realized he was talking about Jessie. “ Taking a deep breath, Olivia looked at Amanda again “You were in love with him… weren’t you?”

Amanda never wanted anybody to know about her and Nick especially Olivia because she knew that the other woman wouldn’t approve. It wasn’t the best idea for relationships within the office but being around the others all the time made it kind of hard not to get close. She learned the hard way back in Atlanta when everybody thought that she had slept her way to the top. It was what happened when a lot of woman advanced; they had to have used their looks to get there but there was one thing that Amanda did well and that was work extremely hard to get what she had. When she got pregnant with Jessie, she told everybody that she wasn’t Nicks because in the back of her head she knew that they knew anyway but she wanted it to be clear even though they all knew it was a lie. Especially when her daughter was born and there was no doubt that she had Nicks features but Amanda kept her story the same even though she wanted to let someone know what her truth was.

“A paperwork kind of day? Just the kind of day that I need,”she said with a small laugh. She was glad for an easy day even if that meant that she would having a hard conversation with Olivia right now where she knew where it was headed. She looked rough and she knew that talking about what happened might be in her best interest but she also felt vulnerable and she didn’t do good with vulnerable. “I don’t know what we were,” she started but then shook her head. “God I didn’t think we would ever have this conversation especially about Nick. It all started out as sleeping together and that was the extent of it but then feelings got involved and they got messy and it was just a lot.” She didn’t even really know how to explain what they’re were because they were complicated and messy and beautiful and every day she missed it. There was lot a day that she didn’t think about the other detective and she would never openly admit that to anybody and when he left for California the first time, she was sure that everybody knew her feelings because she had been out and down for awhile but she quickly found her way out of it when she found out about her pregnancy and had a part of him with her at all times. She shook her head at the mention of her not telling Nick about Jessie and Billie because she thought that she was the one to tell him but now she wondered who it was. “I thought you told him. I couldn’t tell him about them even though we had talked a few times over the years. I mean it could have been Fin,” she laughed. “Who am I kidding it was probably Fin that told him.” She pressed her lips together as she ran her hands over her face and took a few moments to collect herself before as she chewed on her bottom lip. “Yeah he came over after you two had it out and then he saw Jessie and that’s when things kind of went to hell,” she said as she looked up at the brunette. “I was so in love with him. Still so in love with him but things were never easy for us. I mean it was in the beginning but then it got too heavy and things just kind of ended. He begged me to go with him to California but I couldn’t so I told him he needed to go.” She took a sip of her coffee before she let her eyes close. “And then I found out about Jessie and I couldn’t tell Nick about her so I didn’t.” The sigh left her lips as she glanced down at her lap. “And yes before you ask, I lied to you before she is Nicks and he found out when he came over and then it just got messy. Jessie was not having any of him so that’s fun and now I don’t know where we stand so I haven’t stopped really crying since.”

#past interactions.#olivia.

oliviabensonhq:

Olivia had known that something was up with Amanda. Though she wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was the fact that Nick came back and Liv somewhat knew of their relationship or whatever it was the two Detectives were to one another. She thought it had something to do with that, but the two ended on good terms she thought. At least that’s what Nick told her when she would play catch up with him. However when Amanda came into the Squad room the following morning after Nick left, Amanda looked exhausted. More exhausted than she normally does and that’s when Liv knew that something was up. Liv hasn’t been sleeping either these days but the brunette needed to check in on her fellow colleague.

Getting herself some coffee, she brought it back to her office and called Amanda in. Smiling softly at the blonde, Olivia smirked “You look like hell. What kept you up last night?” She questioned the other women and then shook her head “The surprise from Nick was nice. He looks good. Happy and healthy.” Olivia said, trying to get information out of her. Normally the Captain wouldn’t but right now she needed some answers. Taking a sip of her morning coffee, Olivia looked at Amanda. Her eyes were bloodshot. Olivia sighed then and opened her mouth to speak “You look like you’ve been crying and you look like you haven’t slept. What’s going on…” She pushed her hair out of her face and sighed “Nick said he got on his flight home okay.”

Since Nick came back to work on a case, it felt like her life had turned upside down and thrown around. He had figured out that Jessie was his and well that didn't exactly go according to plan; though to be fair, there was never really a plan of telling him after keeping it in for so long. There were so many thoughts and emotions going through her head that she couldn't really comprehend just how she was feeling. All she knew was that Jessie was overprotective and officially thought that Nick always made her cry and she had to tell her that she wasn't crying because of Nick but because of things that happened. Although trying to explain that to a six year old wasn't the easiest thing to do in the world. Since Nick had left to go back to California, she had been crying and barely got any sleep - not that she got a normal amount but her thoughts kept her up until daylight and then it was too late to go to sleep.

On the way to work and dropping Jessie off at school and Billie off with the babysitter, she stopped and got a cup of coffee before heading into work. Her feet dragged and she felt tired all over but she had a smile on her face when she saw Fin and Liv once she was inside the other woman's office. "Thanks," she laughed, sipping on her own cup of coffee. "What didn't keep me up last night," she said with a shrug as she crossed one leg over the other. Amanda knew that Liv was aware of her and Nick and their past but she didn't really know the full extent of everything. "Yeah, I heard. I bet Zara and Gabe are going to be glad to have him back home," she mentioned with a shrug of her shoulders as she let out a sigh and fell back against the seat . "It was so weird seeing Nick after all of these years. I mean I knew you two kept in touch a lot more than him and I did but it kind of felt like old time." Her lips pressed together before she looked up at Olivia. "Jessie met him and to say that she was a very sassy child was an understatement," she said with a laugh. "I need a vacation, seriously but enough about me can we talk about you now?"

#interactions.#olivia.

nickhq:

He had never been with someone like Amanda. She was different but in a good way. She was different from the other women he’s been with. The moment he laid his eyes on her, the moment they shook hands, he knew that she was going to be something to him. Nick just wasn’t sure what. But then when Amanda made the first move, he was passionate about it. He was the one that suggested they kept going. He was the one who said let’s see where this takes us. Their first night together was soft and gentle and loving. It was passionate and steamy and nothing like he’s done before. They had a drink or two in them, but they were dead sober. The pair laughed when they were done because they couldn’t believe they just did that with one another. It was like an unlikely friendship that had bonded based on sex, but Nick knew it was going to be so much more. In the beginning their relationship was good. In the beginning they were getting to know each other. They would spend the night and each other’s places, mostly Amanda’s. He would cook for her and they would have sex and they would spend the night wide awake talking about anything and everything. Then they would have sex again and they would eventually fall asleep. He had come to know that Amanda wasn’t much on cuddling, but he got her into it. He would hold her close to him while she slept. Nick had noticed that it was her thoughts and the silence that kept her up at night. He tried to stop it by holing her close and placing soft kisses to her bare back. It became one of his favorite things to do. Holding her close and placing his lips on any part of her body. God she was perfect. To him she was so perfect and stunning. There were times in the squad room that he would catch his eyes wandering towards her and he couldn’t help but form a small smile. Their relationship or whatever the hell it was they were doing probably wasn’t the best idea for co workers, but to hell with it. They were both adults, they were both allowed to make their own decisions and they were both single. Before he knew it, she somehow became his everything. Before he knew it, she somehow became the one person aside from his children whom he cared about the most. The rough sex surprised him the other night. He wasn’t used to it. Not just from him but from her as well. The moment he pinned her hands over her head though and the moment she said stop, he stopped. It scared him. He truly thought he hurt her some how. Though now with Patton here it was all beginning to make sense. The way she was acting, the way she was drinking and the way they were fucking. It was all beginning to make sense. It made him sick to his stomach that someone laid a hand on her. It made him sick to his stomach that someone who was supposed to be her college, took advantage of her. He hated Patton. He hated Patton with everything he had. It was a good thing the disgusting old man wasn’t here in front of Nick.

Nick hated seeing her like this. It bothered him. Taking a deep breath, he listened to her talk and the Detective sighed. “Amanda stop. Right now all I can think about is you, okay? Right now aside from my kids, you’re all I fucking care about. I know we haven’t been the best with one another lately and I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand the fact that someone fucking hurt you. That someone who was supposed to be your mentor put his hands on you and ra–” Nick couldn’t even say the words. He knew rape happened on a daily basis unfortunately, he saw it everyday and so did Amanda. Though to find out that it happened to her, to find out that it happened to the women he’s come to know and love killed him. There was no way in hell that Nick was going to let this prick get away with it. There was no way in hell that he wasn’t going to let Barbra let this prick get away with it. He knew Barbra and the two didn’t have the best relationship, but he knew that Barbra stands up for his own. When she placed her hand on his chest, it was beating faster than ever. He was so heated and upset right now. The last time she put her hand on his chest she was punching him. Taking a deep breath, Nick placed a kiss on her head and then pressed her forehead against his. “I understand why you didn’t tell me, but sometimes I wish you could talk to me. Sometimes I wish you could tell me these things so I know how to protect you and take care of you. That’s all I want to do Manda. That’s all I ever wanted to do.” Nick whispered and then felt a lump that formed in his throat when she mentioned the other night and Nick got choked up “I don’t care that you were hitting me. In the bar maybe, but not at home. You–, you’re home to me Amanda. It took me a while to realize it but you are. We’re messed up and I have so much fucking baggage but all I care about is you.” It was his way of saying those three words without saying it. After he punched the locker, Nick looked at her and sighed. Swallowing deep, Nick shook his head “I’m sorry. I just–” Stopping himself, he pushed her hair out of her face and bit his lips “Manda I can’t stand the fact that he’s here. That he took the credit for your case. Patter thirteen.” Shaking his head , Nick scoffed and let out a shaky breath. “Amanda please just let me kill him. Please let me do something to him because the fact that he did something to you is,.. it’s killing me. It’s really killing me and I just want you to be okay. I want you to know that I’m here. I’m here Manda.” Nick whispered and then kissed the top of her head again. God he loved her. He loved her with everything he had and it terrified him. It terrified him on what he would do for her. He was willing to risk everything for her. He’s never loved anyone like this before. “Good.” Was all Nick could say but then tried to crack a smile and continued with “Maybe we can have sex, just not rough sex.” Nick said honestly and shook his head “It felt good but I–, that’s not us. We don’t do rough sex.” It was the truth, they got carried away the other night and Nick formed a sheepish grin on his face, his cheeks turning red a little. As soon as Amanda’s face hit his chest and he felt his shirt getting wet from his tears, Nick sighed and held her tight. He let her cry and Nick licked his lips “I’m not going anywhere baby. I’m here. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

━

Amanda had her fair share of boyfriends throughout her lifetime - or more so the people that she slept with but nobody compared to Nick. While most times were good, the bad ones made her question her own sanity though if she was being honest, she wouldn't change it. He made her feel alive when she hadn't felt like that in such a long time and although she made some questionable choices in the past, she knew that he never judged her for anything that she did. He had his own opinion of things, but he never actively judged her especially for the past and her family which he had dealt with Kim firsthand. There was just something about him that made her feel safe even when his anger got the best of him - she knew that he would never do anything to hurt her and he knew the same for her. It was often the late nights when they were laying in bed, her head on his chest or her back against him that she felt at peace with her world. It often times felt as if it were a dream and she would soon wake up and realize that everything that she thought she knew about her world was made up in some alternate universe. It wasn't until every time she woke up and he was snoozing away that she could finally breath again. They were obvious in their feelings so it was only a matter of time before she knew that the whole squad would know but they kept their feelings at bay - when they could - at work but there were times when they just didn't agree and their arguments turned into a heated love quarrel and they got the looks from Liv and Fin but would often times choose to ignore them. Now, though, with everything going on she didn't care about anybody finding out about them because she needed Nick now more than ever before.

"I know, Nick. I know but I can't have you risking your life and career for this. Think about your kids and what this would do to them if you got locked up or something worse. I would never be able to forgive myself if you were to lose everything because of me." And it was fact. His kids needed their father and she was not about to let him get in trouble for someone that hurt her; as much as she may have wanted Patton to pay the price in true Nick fashion, she wouldn't allow him to do it. The truth always came to the light and one day he would get what was coming to him but today was not going to be that day, especially by Nicks hands. Her eyes closed and she focused on his breathing and his heart beating against her hand. It was the only thing that was keeping her sane at the moment and maybe, just maybe she would be able to get through all of this. "I didn't want you to look at me the way that you are right now. I didn't want you to know how damaged I was," she replied, her words softer now as they didn't want to actually be said. Amanda knew that look all too well for victims because she had given those looks herself and she hated that now everybody knew what had happened to her and just how damaged she was. "It's still no excuse. I should have never and I can promise you that I will not ever put my hands on you or anybody else for that matter. It was just everything came into play and I was a wreck but I should have known better." All the blonde wanted was for things to get back to the way that they were but she had a feeling that wasn't going to be the case. Especially, now that her face was buried into his chest and the tears continued to fall. They stayed like that for what felt like forever before she pulled back and wiped her face. "Oh God I probably look like crap. We should probably get back out there, right? Maybe I'll tell Liv I'm not feeling good and just go home. I don't think I can handle much more of this today," she said as she looked over at Nick. "Thank you. Seriously, thank you." Those three little words that felt so natural to say were held back because when she would eventually say it to him, she didn't want it to be in the midst of all of this.

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

Nick was never really a fan of alcohol. He’s seen what it did to his father and he’d seen what it did to his mother. Sure he liked to have some every once in a while, but Nick didn’t go crazy. Him and alcohol weren’t a good mix. He was scared when he drank it sometimes. Scared that if he had too much he’d go too far. Scared that if he had too much he would turn into his father, so Nick learned how to pace himself. However Nick and Amanda in the beginning were all about alcohol. Though they had their sober moments. Their sober moments were the best moments and the alcohol moments were their worst. They fought when they had alcohol in their system. Their fights would turn ugly though Nick never laid a hand on her. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He wasn’t his father and he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t turn into him. When Amanda started hitting him, the Detective wasn’t mad. He didn’t fully understand on why she was hitting him, he knew there was a reason. Well of course he knew why and what lead up to it, but it shocked him a little. Nick sometimes hated when they had alcohol in their system because their fights would get like this. That’s why Nick just stood there and took it. Took her hits and her punches and her snide remarks to him.

"Oh stop.“ Nick said annoyed and then continued with "It does fucking concern me. Since the moment you and I got together, everything you do fucking concerns me, good or bad.” Nick said honestly and it was the truth. He was concerned about her all the time. He was worried about her and the one thing he cared about was her well being and her happiness. Aside from Fin, Nick sometimes was the only one who could tell when something wrong with her and he liked that. He liked that he was able to do that. When Amanda pushed him away, Nick put his hands up in surrender again. Though when she pulled him back he smiled softly and kissed her deeply and passionately. As he held her, he kissed her and pulled her lip a little, moaning into the kiss. Nick wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, or into her but he needed her and he wanted her. When Amanda hit the bed and he was on top of her, Nick watched as she ripped his clothes off and tossed them to the floor. He loved when she stripped him. Then he watched as she stripped herself and my god she was perfect. Nick had ripped her thong off and to say he wasn’t surprised that it was red was an understatment. He knew Amanda and he knew that sometimes she had her moments. Kissing her roughly, Nick grunted when she sucked and bit his lips. Turning him on more. When she told him she needed him to fuck her and that she needed him to fuck her now, Nick formed a devilish grin and pushed inside of her. She was already so wet for him and he felt cocky about it. He was on top of her and his breaths became heavier within each kiss. Her naked body pressed against his, and he was moving inside of her hard and rough and fast. He needed this and she needed this. Though when Nick started to pin her hands over her head to go faster, that’s when everything changed. That’s when she stopped. That’s when he felt like all the alcohol left her body, but Nick continued to pound her.

Amanda had been used to using alcohol to solve her problems and it was used in the most obvious cries for help. She didn’t always use alcohol in that way but it was something that she had been doing for years now. Maybe even before Patton but it seemed to only get worse with all of the pressure that she felt within the squad at that time but it only seemed to go in and out. When she first got to New York she was determined to play a different role but then the cases got harder and things just didn’t go the way that she had planned. And with Nick, they always seems to find themselves drinking more so her than him but it always made things worse for the both of them. His temper and her insecurities bound to get the worst of them when they would drink and she always felt ashamed at herself and her actions the next morning when they were getting ready for work and or when she was extremely hungover and wanting to literally crawl into a hole and never come out. Everything between them was always so up and down and half the time she didn’t know where their relationship stood but she knew that she loved him more than she would ever let on. He was the complete opposite of herself and that was what made them get along so well but also what caused a lot of strife.

There was so much passion and fire mixed between the two of them in the moment. She just wanted to feel him next to her and she knew that he wanted the same thing. When they were in the mix of things, it always felt as if they were going to burn together in the best of ways. Her hands fumbled to rip off his clothes as soon as possible because she needed him more than she had ever needed him and before she knew it he was ripping off her thong and pushing himself into her rough and hard. It was completely different than what she was used to - what they were used to but my god did it feel like everything that she needed. Her body wrapped around his and she pulled him closer to her as the moans escaped her lips. Her lips moved to his neck where she bit and nibbled as she felt the pressure build inside of her. His hands moved to her own pinning them above her head and at first she was too engulfed into what was going on before she felt suffocated and when she went to open her eyes, it was Patton who was above her and pounding into her instead of Nick and her blood ran cold. “Stop, get off me” she begged, her hands fighting against his hold as her body fell limp. “Nick, stop. Please” and when he did, she immediately turned onto her side cowering into herself and closing her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry,” she kept repeating as she rocked back and forth ever so slightly. “It’s just Nick, it’s just Nick,” she repeated trying to calm her shaky hands and her beating heart.

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

He didn’t condone violence in relationships. Watching his father beat his mother on a day to day basis was engraved into his head. When he was married to Maria they would fight constantly and it wasn’t always like that. Sure he would get angry, real angry but Nick never laid a hand on her. When he was younger after his father would bet him, he made a promise to himself that he wasn’t going to be like that. He made a promise to himself that he wasn’t going to turn into his father. Nick had a temper, he was well aware of that and he threw a punch here and there but Nick was never violent. He wasn’t a violent person. This AJ Martin case had everyone in the squad room in shambles and he knew that this would hit Amanda personally but he ignored it as they were working and didn’t want to get into detail with her. He didn’t want to fight with her about it and let the squad know that they were screwing each other or whatever it was they were doing. Nick was worried about her though. She had been off. She had been off and he was worried. They talked about anything and everything when they were together but lately they haven’t been and it scared him a little. It was like she was putting up those walls again and he wasn’t sure why. This case had gotten to the both of them.

"No I’m not the alcohol police.“ Nick fired back and then took a deep breath "It does matter how many drinks you had. It matters to me.” Nick said honestly and then looked at her. You could tell by the look in her eyes that she clearly hasn’t been sleeping. She’s been coming in late to work too and it wasn’t because they were fooling around. Usually that’s why the two were late but this time it wasn’t. This time it was something different. As he heard her words slur, Nick has heard her words slur plenty of times before. But this felt different and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like this Amanda. He’s an idiot because he’s in love with her, of course he is. He fell in love with her but Nick didn’t like when she had to much to drink. Though, even then she didn’t act this way and this was concerning. As Amanda jerked him back, Nick licked his lips and then looked at her when she cursed at him and told him not to touch her. “Okay. Okay. I won’t –” He lied, of course he was going to. Her touch was all he was craving right now and he couldn’t wait any longer. Though the way she yelled at him just now worried him. She’s never yelled at him like that before. This was something new. Whatever this was, it was new and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. He was worried though. God he was so worried about her. Her hitting him hurt. It didn’t hurt at first. For the first few seconds she was hitting him, it wasn’t hard. They were more so slaps. Then within seconds, she was punching him in the chest and he wanted so badly to stop her but he knew that for some reason Amanda needed this. Deep down he knew that there was more to this but Nick was just trying to forget it. He was standing there and taking it. The noises that were coming out of her mouth while she was hitting him wee killing him though. He hated it. But he loved it. He needed her so badly right now. He wanted her. When his lips crashed into hers again and he felt her hand grip the back of his neck, Nick smiled big within the kiss and picked her up. “Bedroom.” Nick said quietly and then demanded “Now.” As Nick walked them into the bedroom, he held onto her tight and continued to kiss her, but his kisses weren’t soft and sweet. They were hard and rough. He wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing right now, but all Nick knew was that he wanted her so badly.

Everything about their interactions lately had been so on/off that it didn’t feel like it had in the beginning. Their relationship hadn’t been easy thus far and when the times were rough, they were horrible but when the times were good my god were they worth everything. And she tried to remember that even on their bad days but it was like as soon as alcohol got into her system, it was like a whole new person emerged. Normally, she was very controlled about her drinking and she was able to make sure that she was the same Amanda that everybody knew and loved but there were the times when she took things too far and that was exactly what happened this time. Though she had her reasoning last behind why she had been drinking so much there were no excuses for her behavior. She had seen it in her own life and lives of others that she knew she should be better but in those moments, she wasn’t. She let her insecurities get the best of her and she as embarrassed or as embarrassed as she could be with all the emotions and alcohol flowing through her.

“You’re not my father and I don’t have to tell you how many drinks I’ve had. That doesn’t concern you,” she spat out though the truth was she liked how concerned he was for her. Maybe not in this moment where she couldn’t really stand him but other times when he was the only one that seemed to really notice her. He was one of the only people that could tell something was off with her by just a simple glance and she liked that even when she would say that she didn’t. But tonight, she hated it and she wanted him to get away but also she wanted him with every fiber of her being. He was her life and she hated that so she pushed him away only for a minute or two before she pulled him back. Never letting him get too close without her taking the lead, when she felt him lift her body, she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist like she had done many times before. Their bodies were made to fit each other and she wanted to feel every inch of him against her skin. The fire within them in this moment had been unmatched to anything they’ve done before; usually it was soft and loving but tonight the kisses were rough and fueled by emotions. The moment they were in the bedroom and she felt her body on the bed, she immediately started with his clothes and getting them off as quick as possible before she made way to take off the blue dress top and black skirt that she had been wearing. Once she was only in her bra and underwear she moved to her knees and back to his neck where she sucked and bit into before their lips joined again. “I need you to fuck me,” she growled between kisses. “Now.”

#past interactions.#nick.

nickhq:

PAST PARA; SPOUSAL PRIVILEGE; AFTER MATH

She was drunk. She had started with out him and Nick wasn’t quite sure how much she had to drink prior coming to the bar. This case got to her. For some reason this certain case got to her and he was still trying to figure out why. He wasn’t sure if it had something to do with her childhood on the things she would tell him, or if it was something else and it bothered him. They always disagreed on cases, but it was nothing compared to this. They went back at forth on this case at work and while at home. Whatever home was. His or hers. He’s seen her drunk before, but nothing like this. Hell he’s seen her wasted in his home. Though right now, this wasn’t Amanda. Right now this was someone else. Right now this wasn’t his Amanda. The one he’s come to know, the one he’s come to fall in love with. This was someone who wasn’t her. The woman hitting him right now in the bar and causing a scene wasn’t her, but it was. It was her and this scared him. She was provoking him, but after he smacked the drink out of her hand and knocked the stool over, Nick placed the money on the table and opened his mouth to speak “I’m gonna do what AJ Martin should’ve done. Walk away.” Nick said seriously and walked out of the bar, he didn’t care if people were starring. This wasn’t Amanda.

She followed him and the car ride home was silent. He wasn’t going to drop her off at her place, they had already made plans to spend the night at his. However when the two walked in, the arguing began again. “How much have you had to drink?” Nick questioned her, and he knew she was going to be pissed. Though she didn’t answer him. She moved closer to him and Nick placed his lips on hers, kissing her softly and slowly like he always did. When she said and he quoted “Don’t fucking touch me.” Nick backed away for a moment and put his hands up in surrender. He starred at her, he looked at her and could smell the alcohol on her breath. Could tell that she was out of it but was still functioning. When she moved closer to him again though, Nick placed his thumb down her lip and that’s when it started. He leaned down to try and kiss her one more time, but that’s when he felt it. He felt her hands hitting his chest. Amanda kept going. She kept hitting him. She was hitting his chest, punching him even and Amanda let out cries. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from. He wasn’t sure what was going on, so Nick just stood there and took it. “Manda..” Was all he could say quietly, but she kept hitting his chest hard. “Stop.” Nick whispered and looked at her “Stop.”

One day until she was face to face with her attacker and Amanda found herself at the bar slamming down as many drinks as she possibly could. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if they weren’t working the AJ Martin case and the views that she had about the situation were opposite of everyone in the squad room. She had been and seen woman in Paula’s shoes especially with her own family so she knew what they were going through. But that didn’t make things easier and in those moments, she wished that she didn’t work in SVU. Everything was coming to its head in her life and she couldn’t stop it no matter how hard she wanted to. It was like she was on a roller coaster and all she wanted to do was get off the ride but instead there were more twists and turns up ahead. As she waited for Nick to meet her at the bar and watched the news conference that was on the bar TV, she felt all of her emotions coming to it’s head and when he walked in and went on about anger and then accused her of being jealous of Maria, the blonde detective lost it. She became a version of herself that she didn’t know. Her hands landed on his chest, pushing him and provoking him to see what he would do and when she slapped the drink out of her hand, she had to laugh to herself as she sat down and finished the one that was sitting there. It was only a minute later before she stormed out after him and hopping into his car before he could leave. And when they arrived back at his apartment, it all started over again.

“What are you the alcohol police now? It doesn’t matter how many drinks I’ve had,” she said, her words slurring ever so slightly because as drunk as she was in that moment, she was in control of herself which surprised her especially with how much she actually drank. She stumbled toward him and when he kissed her, she jerked back and angrily flared at him “Don’t fucking touch me.” Her eyes watched as he moved back away from her and she felt all of this pent up emotion at the pit of her stomach that felt like it was going to erupt at any given second. That didn’t stop her from moving back toward him until they were merely inches apart and his thumb caressed her bottom lip and the volcano of emotions within her bubbled up and exploded the moment his lips almost found her own. At first it was a push and then it was more pushing as he held his own and then it was hitting his chest hard and over and over again. Her ears rang and her frustration came out in grunts as she hit him harder and harder; everything that she had been feeling since she knew Patton was coming and the case they were on and her jealousy towards Maria all erupted. She heard him say stop but she didn’t until her lips crashed into his and she was gripping the back of his neck to keep him close. As much as she was feeling on the inside she didn’t feel anything at all and she needed to feel something - anything.

#past interactions.#nick.

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