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@nicksfreshlovee
⊹ ࣪ ˖ . ⌗ PETALS ! # ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀ ♪
˖ ࣪ ⊹ ( 💭 ) 𝑠𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑠 .ᐟ ୨୧
⤹ 𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑜𝑟 • 17 .ᐟ
𝑓𝑙𝑢𝑓𝑓/𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡 ⋆. 𐙚 ̊ ˚꒰🍚꒱༘⋆ ⩇⩇:⩇⩇ ⋅
𐔌 . ♡. ՞𓈒ׅ𐤟ᚆֺ𐤟𓈒՞ა : ഒ 𝑠𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑠. 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑎𝑠 𝑠𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑜𝑙𝑜. 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑐. 𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑎𝑛𝑎 𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑒. 𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑢𝑚𝑒𝑠. 𝑧𝑎. 𝑣𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑎 𝑠𝑐𝑒𝑛𝑡. 𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑎 & 𝑙𝑖𝑝 𝑔𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑠. 𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑎 𝑏𝑎𝑟𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡. 𝑚𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑟. 𝑝𝑜𝑒𝑡𝑟𝑦. 𝑠𝑎𝑛𝑟𝑖𝑜. 𝑚𝑢𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙𝑠. 𝑝𝑙𝑢𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑒𝑠. 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠.
ⓘ 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑠𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑠ℎ𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑒 ﹒⸝⸝ ⧣₊˚
see more on insta @nicksfreshlovee 👀
── ⊹ ℱ𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐁𝐎𝐘!𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒 && ℛ𝐎𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐄!𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 :: in which roommate!reader , has a date . - 1/2 ⊹ view part 2 here (soon) .
⊹ ⌁ ˖ i don’t know you part 2 M.S
⁺ ◟ wc: 1.7k lılılı.ıllı. shy!reader x shy!matt
▹ read part 1 english isn’t my first language!
… genre ﹆ fluff … includes ﹆ amnesia/memory loss | grief of someone who’s not dead | heartbreak ﹕ ﹒ ⌕
⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ want to read more? julia’s library ⊹ ࣪ ˖
⊹ ⌁ ⃕˖ synopsis: ❝ matt had a truck accident, which caused him to lose his memory. ❞
©️nicksfreshlovee
isn’t everyone unhappy at this world? i was asking myself everyday, at the same mornings and at the same time.
outside the windows a snowstorm rages, sending white flakes swirling wildly in the fierce wind. the world beyond the glass is swallowed by a thick blanket of snow, blurring every shape and softening every edge. you was laying in your bed, tangled in sheets, and staring at the window beside you, thinking. that day was tough for you, you thought your life would get better, but it doesn’t. after a one month, living in a infinite circle you stood again in from of hospital with bag, you have plan in your head, for the whole month you tried to replay everything what happened and what will optional happens. you knew he won’t love you again or not the same as before. and nothing will never be the same. walking down the hallway, the music blasting through your ears, and the bottom of too baggy jeans dragging across the floor leaving wet marks.
your long hair is waving in the air, your backpack is sinking wet of the rain outside and your gaze is focusing on steps you take, and your mind lives in another dimension.
nobody talks with you, even doctors who knows exactly who you are and for what you’re coming there, for them it’s normal. meanwhile you feel like you’re living in a backround character in someone’s else’s life. But you don’t mind living like that, not seen and not heard. you’re only talking with nick and chris but surprisingly they aren’t in they usual spots.
as you stood in front of his hospital door, the goosebumps and a sharp pain shot through your body. as you finally knocked you heard a quick „come in” inside. you knew he didn’t expect you to come into his doorway. you stood in front of his as he surprised stare at your reaction. this was hard for you, like for him. he tight you wouldn’t came back. „how you feeling?” that was the first thing you said to end this awkward moment. „i-i didn’t know you’d come back” he stutter, playing with his fingers, you know his doing this when he’s anxious.
but you held him, making him knows he meant to me. he always stare at you like he’s trying to recall everything, and like he’s trying to memorize every detail of your face, in case he forgot again. matt starts to remember single things, that you already forgot about, like one random evening while you were watching movies he mumbled „i like your hair, sorry that kids in middle school was laughing at you, they’re really pretty” you get stunned, for seconds you had to think what he meant, completely forgot you told him that. one day you told him about my childhood crush, and he reply „i’ve always knew he’s a jerk, i remember when he laughed at your accent” gazing at him you bursted out laughing, stroking his hair.
the next day waking up next to him wasn’t your plan, you felt the warm under his skin pressing against yours, his sweet scent nudged my nose. for a moment, it made you feel like you had woken up from an scary nightmare and everything was perfect, just like before.
this day we took a walk near the hospital by the sea, for the first time ever the doctors allowed a longer walk than just around the facility which made matt’s eyes light up. you two spent most of the walk in silence, holding hands which brought back memories of Navagio Beach in Greece when matt asked me to marry him and you simply freak out, saying we still had time. but we never did. you was so so so stupid, for not saying yes. things would be different, better… you guessed.
does he remember?
the silence was louder than the chirping of birds flying near the hills. the sound of the water and the tourists around us calmed me. our hair was blowing at the air. you awkwardly was peaking out at matt , who seemed lost in thought and focused on his small steps. when yours faces finally met he took the big breath before saying „thank you for taking me th-„ interrupting him before he could finish his sentence you cut in.
„did you- did you remember the greece beach?” you observed his face curiously.
of course he don’t.
„what about it?” he surprised you with a question, letting go of your hand and giving a sad smile then walking away, as if to tell you he remembered. and he remembered well. all the sounds around us two faded away. you stood frozen to the ground, as if everything had come to an end.
„you did?” you murrmed as you approached close to him, he wasn’t looking, his palms were shaking, and he tried ignore the tear dropping on his shirt.
„not all but, yeah”
„w-why you didn’t tell me-„ your throat is tightening, you feel lumps in throat, and eyes are burning with tears holding up.
„about you didn’t love me? how you were pretending i am someone but in reality i’m not?” he had a problem with putting together a sentence so that it made sense, and don’t cry like a little child.
deeply in your bones you felt the guilty, which was gathering, you should told him, but you didn’t, some things you wasn’t telling for his good. but when he uttered „you didn’t love me”my heart break into pieces. why would he say something like that? he always been the one, and no matter what happened and how many time you fell you’ll always come back to him.
he looked far away, and then he spoke firmly „you know, i don’t even recognize myself anymore, no one makes me feel like you do” he stuttered, looking deeply in your eyes making you insane.
„who told you i don’t love you?” you finally respond after realizing what is happening „i was the only one who came to you, everyday matt. you know how hard it was when i heard you don’t know my name, and-and how you want to know the moments we spend together even i spend it with you, how i was waking up everyday couldn’t feel you, as if you were dead.
dead.
because in this moment all you could do is kiss him, do something you waited for months, feel the warmth and love you needed the most and you couldn’t reach. his fingers brushed hers first tentative like he was relearning her all over again. then hold them a little tighter, like he was afraid you might disappear, forever.
a tear slipped down your cheek. “i’ve always loved you”
„i’m sorry” you added.
matt stepped closer, so close now that you could feel his breath warm against the cold air.
„i think i might love you” you said to me twice, you thought
„and i think i love you too” i reply.
the world felt like it had gone quiet the waves, the wind, everything fading into the background until it was just you two.
gently, he lifted his hand to your face, brushing away the tear with his thumb. matt’s touch lingered there soft and cateful like you’re was something precious he had almost lost forever.
“can i?” matt asked barely above a whisper.
you nod.
that was all it took.
matt leaned in slowly, giving you every chance to pull away but instead you closed the distance yourself.
your lips met softly at first hesitant like you were afraid it wasn’t real but then something shifted, something deeper, something that had been waiting.
you held onto him your fingers gripping his shirt as the kiss deepened warm and certain and finally right.
it wasn’t just a kiss. it was everything you two had lost and everything you had found again.
when you two finally pulled apart their foreheads rested together breaths uneven hearts racing.
“i remember this too” he murmured with a small smile observing your reaction.
you laughed quietly through your tears „good”
he squeezed your hand gently.
“I’m not forgetting you again” matt said pressing his head against yours harder.
“better not” you whispered.
3 months later
matt feel better. too much better. since that day you talked, a lot. about feelings, past and future, how our lives looked and how it going to look. matt don’t remember everything, at least he told me that, this time. then he finally get discharged from hospital, you knew nothing would look like was before, but you were happy everytime he was learning how to cook, again. how he tried to recollect his friends, meanwhile joking around knowing it’s hurting him, and you was the only one seeing it. how he promised he will merry you, kissing him and saying this time you will say yes.
because espite everything you’ve been through, all that pain you didn’t give up and you came to the conclusion that love is so strong that no matter what happens, it can be rebuilt.
⁺ ◟ author’s note: please do not translate or repost my works without credit to here or any other website! (this blog does not use ai and is an ai-free zone, so please do not feed anything here to ai, much appreciated!) ୧
♯ BABY YOU LOVE ME, OR HATE ME? ˎˊ˗
⤷ in which . . . you and chris can’t stand each other, but when he catches you staring at him at a dior event, he’s not about to let you walk away without having a little chat (fuck) first . . . ⤷ warnings . . . toxic relationship, enemies, heavy sexual tension, explicit language, possessiveness, hate sex, jealousy, rough intimacy, emotional manipulation, on/off situationship, very slight angst . . .
ceyana’s note: just a little something for the freaks and the ones who think shaming is sexy. this isn't a series.
𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
ⓘ includes: amnesia/memory loss, heartbreak
pov: matt had a truck accident, which caused him to lose his memory
words: 8.171
sometimes you were afraid that something would go wrong, you were afraid that one day matt would leave and forget about you and you would be left alone, but you never thought that life would go this way.
you never thought that one phone call could change your life, your future and your vision of the world.
that night there was a tragedy, the night was quiet, calm, intense, until your phone vibrated. it was 2:10 am and you were lying in bed waiting for matt who was on his way home. at least that's what you thought. the phone showed an unknown number, you didn't answer for a second, but you clicked on the green handset.
you don't know who it was, no one even rearranged, but it was one of the least important things at the time. the only thing you heard before the loss of any senses in your head was your name pronounced by a woman.
"matt- was driving home after work and holy fuck some drunk truck driver hit the car with strong force. they take him to the hospital. it's really bad. i-” before the lady said you hung up.
you can hardly even remember when you were in the hospital, you don't even know how you knew which hospital you were in, because you didn't get this information. you didn't see who was driving. even your crackling hands couldn't hold your phone tightly and fell out of your hands a few times. only the way the emergency room lights were way to bright and how chris and nick was pacing in the corner with tears streaming down his face. you remember the doctor, a little.
„he’s lucky” the doctor said. „considering the impact, it’s a miracle his injures weren’t fatal. dislocated shoulder, cuts from glasses, fractured neck and broken tailbone- pretty serve. but he’ll be fine.
when the doctor said that he’s lucky i wanted to smash his head, did you mean the person who got in the truck crash, who clinging to life after injuries that many wouldn’t survive. is that what you supposed to feel? lucky when your love of your life is fighting for their life when you’re siting outside the hospital knowing you can’t do anything. is that the lucky feeling i should feel?
the first day you see him he looks like a stranger to you, he didn’t look like the real matt.
matt’s body is still, something like a mannequin. his pieces of hairs are on his sweaty forehead, his neck is in plaster and on his left leg. you can see the bruises on his chest, yellow and purple blooms are all of his body. next to him is standing a monitor beeping steadily. all you can do is stare trough the glass with tears in yours eyes who is slightly flowing on your cheeks.
you didn’t feel anything, is that normal? just the tears flowing down and the emptiness. you didn’t expect to see matt in this condition. but now you heard quiet sound of footsteps your direction. that’s nick. his older brother and your bestfriend, he just stand beside me with under-circleted eyes. he look directly at matt. you looked at him, maybe he feel the same emptiness like you?
„he will be fine” you said. this is the only words you could say.
he nod. maybe not because he believed that just because he needed to hear something good.
next day.
nick is still sleeping on the chair, curled into himself and chris went somewhere. you’ve been talking to each other rarely since yesterday, you don’t have strength to talk to anyone and they’re too. and then you heard it the rustle of sheets a choke, my heart stopped beating for a second.
you turned around and you saw. matt’s body were slowly moving.
he couch, he blinked. for a second he didn’t say anything he’s been in silence, like he was trying to memorize what happened.
„nick..?”
the name punched the air out of your lungs, but you couldn’t move. nick shot up immediately, nearly tripping over the blanket as he jumbled to the edge of matt’s bed.
„holy shit. matt?. matt—buddy. it’s okay, you’re okay. you’re awake, lemme call, just—„
but you didn’t move.
you were just siting in the same position, analyzing what happened and waiting to his eyes land on you. you really wanted see the stare he always do, the puppy blue eyes, the soft smile and those wrinkles on his cheeks when he was smiled but this time it didn’t happened.
after a while he looked at you, you felt the cold seeping into your body. he was confused, disoriented. then he said the thing you feared most in the world.
„who’s that?” he asked. he slowly arranged the words.
nick slowly turned his head in my direction, he stopped mid-sentence. his eyes gleamed to you and he looked over to confused matt. you were already standing beside him, then you’d shatter.
„it’s me matt”. you came closer „it’s me sweetheart, it’s—it’s me…” you gave a crocked smile with the pain twisting inside you.
and god, you hated the way your voice cracked. the name he gave you. sweetheart. you loved when he was saying that on miliard different ways, in different situations. but now he gave you the look like you were the stranger.
he glanced at you again. „m’ so sorry” he said. „i don’t know you”.
you didn’t cry.
a million pieces inside you just broken and fall part.
you hooded because this is the only thing you can do. he won’t just suddenly remember you. your chest hurt so much. you said it’s okay. the only thing you could do is backed away before the uncontrollably cry you kept inside. you walked out of the room, clutching the collar of your shirt with trembling hands. you didn’t have strength to cry.
you didn’t know how much did it take you to calm down. you took a few footsteps to peek into the room.
and you…watched.
watched how he talk with the nurse. watched the way he talk with nick and chris. how he politely smiled when chris said a joke.
he remembered his brothers.
he remembered their names.
he remembered every single thing about them.
but he didn’t remembered who you are.
he didn’t know your name.
he doesn’t remembered when he said “i love you” when he left the house.
and somehow this was worse than if he’d forgotten it all. because he was still him. still matt. still the same voice, same laugh, still the same face freatures. but none of it was yours anymore. none of it belonged to you anymore.
you stayed, of course you did. nick and chris returned home and kept coming back daily to check on their brother’s. but you stayed. everyday you slept in this awful chair by his bed. you brought him from your house a laptop, you played him his favorite movies. you buyed him snacks, you talked to him like you always do, telling him the stories he used to love. sometimes he used to say „can you tell me the story again?” and he always kept sayin „m’ sorry, i don’t remember that” like it was his fault.
like you hadn’t lived it together.
like he hadn’t held your hand on your first date, leading you across the warm sand on the beach, pointing with his finger at the setting sun before us as if he had never stood behind you, his hands on your hips, holding you close and kissing your neck, leaving behind the imprint of his lips and goosebumps across your whole body.
or when you told him the funny story and he’d laughing and begging you to tell him the story again.
now he just nods. thank you for the memory. like it’s something you experience with someone else.
after a week you bring him the necklace he gave it to you with his engraved name on it. the necklace meant a lot for you. when you handed it to him, he realized it was special to you. he fidgeted with it in his hands, head lowered and observed it with curiosity. like he was touching it for the first time.
„thought you might want this. you said observing his reaction. „you gave it to me three years ago.”
„beautiful…” he whispered
and you nod again. because it was the only thing you could do.
he smiled slightly and extended his hand toward me to give it to me.
you took it from him.
you said to yourself it is not that personal. it’s the trauma, injury, but at the nights when the lights turn off, nick and chris goes to home take a shower, you were sit beside him when he fall asleep, you stare at him, remembered the nights and days when i had him by my side and everything was okay, you started to wonder if maybe it is personal.
maybe this world was arranged in such a way that it was meant to happen. maybe he meant to forget you, maybe he chose to forget you.
because the truth is, you were always the softest part of his life. his subconscious might be suppressing her image because it’s tied to emotions he’s not ready to confront.
and god if, that’s true
then what the hell are you still doing here?
you ask yourself every day, every time. the sound of your thoughts spreads through the hospital corridors, the echo in your mind gives you no peace. you’re not a family, not a girlfriend, not a wife, not a fiancée. you’re just name he doesn’t remember.
but you stay. you stayed for him. because you don’t know how leave him. because even if he doesn’t remember you, you remember everything about him, every detail. starting with his birthday, favorite color, his habits ending with his mental struggles he shared with you.
at the morning you spoke with his doctor. there were several conversations where you asked about everything possible. you’re not registered as family, so they couldn’t give you more information, but you know the most important things.
„he’s getting better?” you asked the doctor, leaning against the wall and picking at the skin around your nails until they bled.
„looking at the test results, they aren’t promising. the doctor said. „but he will be okay.”
he catches you crying one night. you were standing in front of window. a single streetlamp shone directly toward you, the stars were shining wildly that night, and the sounds of birds could be heard from afar. but the sound of the birds was muffled by the soft sound of your crying hidden behind your sleeve, you think you’ve managed to stay quiet enough.
then you heard a quiet voice behind you.
„did we used to be…together?”
you freeze. you never told him that there was something between us. he never asked tho. you slowly wipe yours tears and you turned around. he’s dead serious, he were observing me with mouth drawn tight. you glanced at him and you said „yeah…we were”
his throat bobs as he swallow, he looked down as if embarrassed. „for how long”
part of you wants to lie, but the other part is tired to pretending.
„three years”
his eyes widen. „fuck” he murmurs „m’ sorry…i-i had no idea.”
„it’s not your fault.” you said. „i told everyone to not tell you that. figured it’d be easier, if in time you remembered on your own.
he’s quiet for a second before he said „m’ so sorry.”
you just nod.
„um…did you love me?” he said softer than usual.
„yeah. i still do. and that will never change.
his fingers twisted the blanket.
„i wish i could say the same thing.” he says quietly, but clearly.
you don’t respond.
it’s not his fault. it wasn’t his fault that what happened had happened. you know that he’s not doing it for purpose, he’s not cruel. sometimes you wish it had happened to you instead.
you’re the only one watching it all happen in slow motion. every words he says hit you. the way you smile through the pain, because you don’t want him to feel bad for something he can’t control.
at the morning nick and chris came back to see how their brother is feeling. and you go home that night, not because you want to.
nick told you to go home, to get a shower, to get your thoughts together.
„you need to go home, you’ve been there since first day” he told gently, softly and carefully like he didn’t want to hurt you, looking directly at your reaction.
you nod, not because you’re ready to go, but because you know they won’t stop asking until you do. you took things that you have. you wore the necklace like everyday. you took with you the silence that had been by your side since the day everything changed.
matt’s were siting on his bed when you step toward the door. he looked like he just awake. his eyes flicked to you for a second.
he doesn’t say anything.
doesn’t ask where i am going.
when i came back.
nothing.
like a stranger.
you just whisper bye. you feel felt as if you were leaving him forever, but you would come back to him. yet you knew that one day, you might say goodbye for the last time, and the two of you would become strangers, as if nothing had ever connected you.
you leave.
the hospital walls radiate cold just by looking at them. your every footsteps sounds like punch to the gut. you were telling to yourself to not cry until you get to the car.
when you got into the car all the emotions you had been holding in since the first day broke free. you cried like a little child, trembling, unable to catch your breath. you don’t know how long you spent crying, but you were already on your way home.
you think its stupid right?
grieving someone who’s alive, who’s still looking at you with that beautiful bright blue eyes, but he doesn’t feel anything when your name are spoken, he doesn’t miss you anymore.
he’s okay.
but you’re not.
when you walk inside the house the time has stopped, everything is in the same place, in the living room lies the rumpled blanket from the day before the accident, the day you have sex. his untouched watch lies on the dresser, you peeked through the bedroom, then heart clenched, and everything was exactly as it had been the day the phone rang and you run from the house.
but the scent in the air kills you the most. palpable love and warmth.
you take a shower, a nap on the armchair, because you couldn’t bring yourself to lie in the bed where he had once lain beside you, the lingering scent of his cologne still in the air like nothing changed. you never lived together, but he came to your place so often that it could be called his home.
at the morning you changed clothes, grab a new hoodie. brush your teeth. and then you go back.
you don’t even think about it. just get in your car and drive. because what else to do? siting the whole day, thinking and crying about him?
of course not.
when you walk into the hospital room, matt’s were siting and chatting with nurse, before she leaves, she only nodded and smiled at you. she knows. of course she knows you weren’t the only patient who went through that, you’re not the first person in the world.
he was laying in his back, his hair were messy, curls flattened against his pillow, he don’t looked at you for a moment, his gaze was fixed on the window. then he turned his head and gives you the same politely and soft smile.
you sat beside him on chair.
he said clearly „i don’t want you to feel…compelled. you don’t have to come y’know…i know something was…between us but if it’s hard for you, you don’t have to keep showin’ up. s’okay.”
you want to crash your head. literally. you think i’m compelled? you think i’m doing it because i want to? like i wouldn’t crawl through the fire just to sit next to you for a couple minutes?
„i don’t feel…forced y’know.” you said. „i want to be here.”
being honest, he’s right, he’s not tying to be mean or anything. he’s just honest.
you look down on your shaky hands and you said „i really do.”
matt watches you, and your shaky hands. and then he nods. like he wanted to say my answer.
and after that you’re back to being a girl who brings him a food and good stories to sleep you told him from time to time, because he kept forgetting them, and each time he laughed just as if i were telling him for the first time.
now it’s few days later, these days feel longer and longer with each new day.
he’s feeling better, he’s stronger, laughing more, he already asks about the same thing less and less. which mean people start visiting and the doctors are considering discharging him from the hospital.
you walk into the room that afternoon, you wanted tho.
you saw a girl you’ve never seen before. she was in the same age as you. maybe she’s just a friend, you thought. maybe she’s someone from high school. she was siting beside him sipping tea. and she was saying something that makes matt laugh. for the first time i herd his old, uncontrollable and soft smile since the accident.
you froze.
you stand there too long when this girl looked at me. she waves. „hey! are you matt’s friend?” she said smilingly.
you nod. matt’s peek from behind her back to notice me.
„hey”. he said like it’s nothing.
„i bought you a snacks, you were asking for.”
„oh-thanks a lot.” he takes it. place them beside him. he doesn’t invite you. he doesn’t scoot over. doesn’t even say stay.
you take a step back. „i’ll come later” you smile at the girl who were judging you since you step forward. god, you wish you’d stop smiling, and you back out of the room as fast you can.
you close the door quietly behind you. you felt cheated. what does she have i don’t? why does he remembered her and not me?
you took a deep breath, you clicked the elevator button and stepped into the elevator. after a few minutes you went outside, you sat on the curb in front of the building, picking at the grass you spotted with your eyes.
the world outside blurs as tears spill over, the sky hangs heavy with gray clouds, and the sun struggles to peek through. a cold gust of wind blows through your hair, you bury your face in hands. the loneliness is overwhelming and swallowing you whole. you don’t notice when chris creeping out beside me.
„can i sit there?” he ask pointing to the curb next to me.
you wipe your face quickly with yours sleeve. but it’s useless, your face is all tear-streaked and pale, your eyes red and tired.
„sure, i guess.”
he sit close to you, close enough for me to rest my head on his shoulder. his hand gently stroked and traced circles along your back.
„you didn’t deserve this,” he said still holding me.
you blink, confused.
„what?”
„matt” he starts suffering. „he’s…he’s been asking about you. a few days ago i peeked through his room at night and i saw you talking to him…he was laughing.” he smile through pain.
„the next day, at the morning you went…somewhere leaving him alone. and i saw him sobbing.
„what?” you ask immediately and you looked for the first time since he sat down at chris’s face. for the first time you felt something other than doubt, but you could see that this story wouldn’t end well.
he nod. „yep. i sat beside him. he’s been asking about you, a lot actually.”
your heart stutters „asking?”
„yeah…about you two. about everything you told him. but-. he hesitated. „he says it feels like a story he’s reading, not something he lived. like someone’s else live”.
you don’t know what to say.
„he’s scared, that he never get you back.” chris said.
the words hit you, your throat was sore and tightened, until you feels you can’t breathe.
„he doesn’t know how to fix it.” chris continues. „he’s prepared himself for you to leave and never come back.” chris voice cracks.
your heart shattered into pieces.
„maybe he already lost me.” you continue. „maybe i can’t pretend that everything is okay, i don’t know if i still can keep pretending.”
you pulled away from chris’s shoulder, and you two looked deep into each other’s eyes. he knew exactly what you meant. your eyes filled with tears that streamed down yours tired face.
chris just nods. and then he reached for my hand and squeezed it. „listen to me. whatever happens, i’m still by there for you, you’re not alone. okay?”
you smile through pain, and he reached to your face to wipe the tears away.
you nod again.
you sit on the crib for a while since chris leaves. you were trying to sort things out in your head. every memory with matt- the way he laugh, the way he kiss you, the way he touch you as if you were the fulfillment of his dreams, the way he loves you, that was the one thing you needed most in the world. matt. the old matt.
you didn’t even notice how dark it had become, fewer and fewer cars were passing by the hospital, and from afar, you could only hear the ambulances going by.
you went inside the hospital because what else could you do at that hour? you were so tired that you sat down against the nearest wall and soon fell asleep.
at the morning, as usual you have to check on matt. you knock. and you heard only behind the door „come in”. a hallow ache tightening your chest.
he looks at you for a moment with confusion.
„m’sorry” he says softly. „i want to remember, but i can’t, i can’t feel what you feel.”
you swallow. you can’t cry, you repeat to yourself. you gave him the broken, small smile. „i get it.”
he reaches out. but his fingers don’t quite find yours. the distance between you feels greater than ever, like an unseen barrier of sorrow and fading memories.
„maybe.” he whispers. „maybe we’re destined to remain strangers.”
and maybe he’s right.
you nod. and with that, you allowed yourself to feel sadness in his presence. yours tears are spilling freely now. „maybe it’s meant to be.”
you stood up. looking at him for the last time. you wanted so badly to stay, but it makes no sense anymore nothing makes sense.
because sometimes people who loved each other have to remain apart.
you took your bag, and you walk out of the room. you closed quietly door behind you. you don’t look back. you can’t. you didn’t look at him.
because sometimes certain goodbyes are better left unspoken.
not every love is meant to linger in the mind.
and some pains in life will stay with you forever.
in the corridor, only the sound of my footsteps could be heard.
nick stood behind you as you walked out of the hospital for the last time. he didn’t call after you, didn’t try to stop you he just watched, letting you leave, feeling the weight of the unspoken words between you two.
you step outside, the world seemed to have stopped, but only for you.
you let the tears fall again.
and somewhere deep inside, somewhere nobody can reach, you still wonder if matt regret his decision. because you don’t know and that not knowing weights heavily on your heart.
and you know it will stay with you forever.
me when i get home from a hard day and it’s friday
𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬. . .
𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟- ⟡ 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭- ⭒
𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤. . . (𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧)
𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬. . . (𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧)
𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭. . .
𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐦.𝐬 ⟡
©𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞
𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐜.𝐬
𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟- ⟡ 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭- ᰔ 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭- ⭒
𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡 ⟡
©𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞
⌗ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝜗ৎ
𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬. . . 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬 ‹𝟹
𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬. . . ⋆˚𝜗𝜚˚⋆
𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬. . . ༉‧₊˚.
©𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞
𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
ⓘ includes: amnesia/memory loss, heartbreak
pov: matt had a truck accident, which caused him to lose his memory
words: 8.171
sometimes you were afraid that something would go wrong, you were afraid that one day matt would leave and forget about you and you would be left alone, but you never thought that life would go this way.
you never thought that one phone call could change your life, your future and your vision of the world.
that night there was a tragedy, the night was quiet, calm, intense, until your phone vibrated. it was 2:10 am and you were lying in bed waiting for matt who was on his way home. at least that's what you thought. the phone showed an unknown number, you didn't answer for a second, but you clicked on the green handset.
you don't know who it was, no one even rearranged, but it was one of the least important things at the time. the only thing you heard before the loss of any senses in your head was your name pronounced by a woman.
"matt- was driving home after work and holy fuck some drunk truck driver hit the car with strong force. they take him to the hospital. it's really bad. i-” before the lady said you hung up.
you can hardly even remember when you were in the hospital, you don't even know how you knew which hospital you were in, because you didn't get this information. you didn't see who was driving. even your crackling hands couldn't hold your phone tightly and fell out of your hands a few times. only the way the emergency room lights were way to bright and how chris and nick was pacing in the corner with tears streaming down his face. you remember the doctor, a little.
„he’s lucky” the doctor said. „considering the impact, it’s a miracle his injures weren’t fatal. dislocated shoulder, cuts from glasses, fractured neck and broken tailbone- pretty serve. but he’ll be fine.
when the doctor said that he’s lucky i wanted to smash his head, did you mean the person who got in the truck crash, who clinging to life after injuries that many wouldn’t survive. is that what you supposed to feel? lucky when your love of your life is fighting for their life when you’re siting outside the hospital knowing you can’t do anything. is that the lucky feeling i should feel?
the first day you see him he looks like a stranger to you, he didn’t look like the real matt.
matt’s body is still, something like a mannequin. his pieces of hairs are on his sweaty forehead, his neck is in plaster and on his left leg. you can see the bruises on his chest, yellow and purple blooms are all of his body. next to him is standing a monitor beeping steadily. all you can do is stare trough the glass with tears in yours eyes who is slightly flowing on your cheeks.
you didn’t feel anything, is that normal? just the tears flowing down and the emptiness. you didn’t expect to see matt in this condition. but now you heard quiet sound of footsteps your direction. that’s nick. his older brother and your bestfriend, he just stand beside me with under-circleted eyes. he look directly at matt. you looked at him, maybe he feel the same emptiness like you?
„he will be fine” you said. this is the only words you could say.
he nod. maybe not because he believed that just because he needed to hear something good.
next day.
nick is still sleeping on the chair, curled into himself and chris went somewhere. you’ve been talking to each other rarely since yesterday, you don’t have strength to talk to anyone and they’re too. and then you heard it the rustle of sheets a choke, my heart stopped beating for a second.
you turned around and you saw. matt’s body were slowly moving.
he couch, he blinked. for a second he didn’t say anything he’s been in silence, like he was trying to memorize what happened.
„nick..?”
the name punched the air out of your lungs, but you couldn’t move. nick shot up immediately, nearly tripping over the blanket as he jumbled to the edge of matt’s bed.
„holy shit. matt?. matt—buddy. it’s okay, you’re okay. you’re awake, lemme call, just—„
but you didn’t move.
you were just siting in the same position, analyzing what happened and waiting to his eyes land on you. you really wanted see the stare he always do, the puppy blue eyes, the soft smile and those wrinkles on his cheeks when he was smiled but this time it didn’t happened.
after a while he looked at you, you felt the cold seeping into your body. he was confused, disoriented. then he said the thing you feared most in the world.
„who’s that?” he asked. he slowly arranged the words.
nick slowly turned his head in my direction, he stopped mid-sentence. his eyes gleamed to you and he looked over to confused matt. you were already standing beside him, then you’d shatter.
„it’s me matt”. you came closer „it’s me sweetheart, it’s—it’s me…” you gave a crocked smile with the pain twisting inside you.
and god, you hated the way your voice cracked. the name he gave you. sweetheart. you loved when he was saying that on miliard different ways, in different situations. but now he gave you the look like you were the stranger.
he glanced at you again. „m’ so sorry” he said. „i don’t know you”.
you didn’t cry.
a million pieces inside you just broken and fall part.
you hooded because this is the only thing you can do. he won’t just suddenly remember you. your chest hurt so much. you said it’s okay. the only thing you could do is backed away before the uncontrollably cry you kept inside. you walked out of the room, clutching the collar of your shirt with trembling hands. you didn’t have strength to cry.
you didn’t know how much did it take you to calm down. you took a few footsteps to peek into the room.
and you…watched.
watched how he talk with the nurse. watched the way he talk with nick and chris. how he politely smiled when chris said a joke.
he remembered his brothers.
he remembered their names.
he remembered every single thing about them.
but he didn’t remembered who you are.
he didn’t know your name.
he doesn’t remembered when he said “i love you” when he left the house.
and somehow this was worse than if he’d forgotten it all. because he was still him. still matt. still the same voice, same laugh, still the same face freatures. but none of it was yours anymore. none of it belonged to you anymore.
you stayed, of course you did. nick and chris returned home and kept coming back daily to check on their brother’s. but you stayed. everyday you slept in this awful chair by his bed. you brought him from your house a laptop, you played him his favorite movies. you buyed him snacks, you talked to him like you always do, telling him the stories he used to love. sometimes he used to say „can you tell me the story again?” and he always kept sayin „m’ sorry, i don’t remember that” like it was his fault.
like you hadn’t lived it together.
like he hadn’t held your hand on your first date, leading you across the warm sand on the beach, pointing with his finger at the setting sun before us as if he had never stood behind you, his hands on your hips, holding you close and kissing your neck, leaving behind the imprint of his lips and goosebumps across your whole body.
or when you told him the funny story and he’d laughing and begging you to tell him the story again.
now he just nods. thank you for the memory. like it’s something you experience with someone else.
after a week you bring him the necklace he gave it to you with his engraved name on it. the necklace meant a lot for you. when you handed it to him, he realized it was special to you. he fidgeted with it in his hands, head lowered and observed it with curiosity. like he was touching it for the first time.
„thought you might want this. you said observing his reaction. „you gave it to me three years ago.”
„beautiful…” he whispered
and you nod again. because it was the only thing you could do.
he smiled slightly and extended his hand toward me to give it to me.
you took it from him.
you said to yourself it is not that personal. it’s the trauma, injury, but at the nights when the lights turn off, nick and chris goes to home take a shower, you were sit beside him when he fall asleep, you stare at him, remembered the nights and days when i had him by my side and everything was okay, you started to wonder if maybe it is personal.
maybe this world was arranged in such a way that it was meant to happen. maybe he meant to forget you, maybe he chose to forget you.
because the truth is, you were always the softest part of his life. his subconscious might be suppressing her image because it’s tied to emotions he’s not ready to confront.
and god if, that’s true
then what the hell are you still doing here?
you ask yourself every day, every time. the sound of your thoughts spreads through the hospital corridors, the echo in your mind gives you no peace. you’re not a family, not a girlfriend, not a wife, not a fiancée. you’re just name he doesn’t remember.
but you stay. you stayed for him. because you don’t know how leave him. because even if he doesn’t remember you, you remember everything about him, every detail. starting with his birthday, favorite color, his habits ending with his mental struggles he shared with you.
at the morning you spoke with his doctor. there were several conversations where you asked about everything possible. you’re not registered as family, so they couldn’t give you more information, but you know the most important things.
„he’s getting better?” you asked the doctor, leaning against the wall and picking at the skin around your nails until they bled.
„looking at the test results, they aren’t promising. the doctor said. „but he will be okay.”
he catches you crying one night. you were standing in front of window. a single streetlamp shone directly toward you, the stars were shining wildly that night, and the sounds of birds could be heard from afar. but the sound of the birds was muffled by the soft sound of your crying hidden behind your sleeve, you think you’ve managed to stay quiet enough.
then you heard a quiet voice behind you.
„did we used to be…together?”
you freeze. you never told him that there was something between us. he never asked tho. you slowly wipe yours tears and you turned around. he’s dead serious, he were observing me with mouth drawn tight. you glanced at him and you said „yeah…we were”
his throat bobs as he swallow, he looked down as if embarrassed. „for how long”
part of you wants to lie, but the other part is tired to pretending.
„three years”
his eyes widen. „fuck” he murmurs „m’ sorry…i-i had no idea.”
„it’s not your fault.” you said. „i told everyone to not tell you that. figured it’d be easier, if in time you remembered on your own.
he’s quiet for a second before he said „m’ so sorry.”
you just nod.
„um…did you love me?” he said softer than usual.
„yeah. i still do. and that will never change.
his fingers twisted the blanket.
„i wish i could say the same thing.” he says quietly, but clearly.
you don’t respond.
it’s not his fault. it wasn’t his fault that what happened had happened. you know that he’s not doing it for purpose, he’s not cruel. sometimes you wish it had happened to you instead.
you’re the only one watching it all happen in slow motion. every words he says hit you. the way you smile through the pain, because you don’t want him to feel bad for something he can’t control.
at the morning nick and chris came back to see how their brother is feeling. and you go home that night, not because you want to.
nick told you to go home, to get a shower, to get your thoughts together.
„you need to go home, you’ve been there since first day” he told gently, softly and carefully like he didn’t want to hurt you, looking directly at your reaction.
you nod, not because you’re ready to go, but because you know they won’t stop asking until you do. you took things that you have. you wore the necklace like everyday. you took with you the silence that had been by your side since the day everything changed.
matt’s were siting on his bed when you step toward the door. he looked like he just awake. his eyes flicked to you for a second.
he doesn’t say anything.
doesn’t ask where i am going.
when i came back.
nothing.
like a stranger.
you just whisper bye. you feel felt as if you were leaving him forever, but you would come back to him. yet you knew that one day, you might say goodbye for the last time, and the two of you would become strangers, as if nothing had ever connected you.
you leave.
the hospital walls radiate cold just by looking at them. your every footsteps sounds like punch to the gut. you were telling to yourself to not cry until you get to the car.
when you got into the car all the emotions you had been holding in since the first day broke free. you cried like a little child, trembling, unable to catch your breath. you don’t know how long you spent crying, but you were already on your way home.
you think its stupid right?
grieving someone who’s alive, who’s still looking at you with that beautiful bright blue eyes, but he doesn’t feel anything when your name are spoken, he doesn’t miss you anymore.
he’s okay.
but you’re not.
when you walk inside the house the time has stopped, everything is in the same place, in the living room lies the rumpled blanket from the day before the accident, the day you have sex. his untouched watch lies on the dresser, you peeked through the bedroom, then heart clenched, and everything was exactly as it had been the day the phone rang and you run from the house.
but the scent in the air kills you the most. palpable love and warmth.
you take a shower, a nap on the armchair, because you couldn’t bring yourself to lie in the bed where he had once lain beside you, the lingering scent of his cologne still in the air like nothing changed. you never lived together, but he came to your place so often that it could be called his home.
at the morning you changed clothes, grab a new hoodie. brush your teeth. and then you go back.
you don’t even think about it. just get in your car and drive. because what else to do? siting the whole day, thinking and crying about him?
of course not.
when you walk into the hospital room, matt’s were siting and chatting with nurse, before she leaves, she only nodded and smiled at you. she knows. of course she knows you weren’t the only patient who went through that, you’re not the first person in the world.
he was laying in his back, his hair were messy, curls flattened against his pillow, he don’t looked at you for a moment, his gaze was fixed on the window. then he turned his head and gives you the same politely and soft smile.
you sat beside him on chair.
he said clearly „i don’t want you to feel…compelled. you don’t have to come y’know…i know something was…between us but if it’s hard for you, you don’t have to keep showin’ up. s’okay.”
you want to crash your head. literally. you think i’m compelled? you think i’m doing it because i want to? like i wouldn’t crawl through the fire just to sit next to you for a couple minutes?
„i don’t feel…forced y’know.” you said. „i want to be here.”
being honest, he’s right, he’s not tying to be mean or anything. he’s just honest.
you look down on your shaky hands and you said „i really do.”
matt watches you, and your shaky hands. and then he nods. like he wanted to say my answer.
and after that you’re back to being a girl who brings him a food and good stories to sleep you told him from time to time, because he kept forgetting them, and each time he laughed just as if i were telling him for the first time.
now it’s few days later, these days feel longer and longer with each new day.
he’s feeling better, he’s stronger, laughing more, he already asks about the same thing less and less. which mean people start visiting and the doctors are considering discharging him from the hospital.
you walk into the room that afternoon, you wanted tho.
you saw a girl you’ve never seen before. she was in the same age as you. maybe she’s just a friend, you thought. maybe she’s someone from high school. she was siting beside him sipping tea. and she was saying something that makes matt laugh. for the first time i herd his old, uncontrollable and soft smile since the accident.
you froze.
you stand there too long when this girl looked at me. she waves. „hey! are you matt’s friend?” she said smilingly.
you nod. matt’s peek from behind her back to notice me.
„hey”. he said like it’s nothing.
„i bought you a snacks, you were asking for.”
„oh-thanks a lot.” he takes it. place them beside him. he doesn’t invite you. he doesn’t scoot over. doesn’t even say stay.
you take a step back. „i’ll come later” you smile at the girl who were judging you since you step forward. god, you wish you’d stop smiling, and you back out of the room as fast you can.
you close the door quietly behind you. you felt cheated. what does she have i don’t? why does he remembered her and not me?
you took a deep breath, you clicked the elevator button and stepped into the elevator. after a few minutes you went outside, you sat on the curb in front of the building, picking at the grass you spotted with your eyes.
the world outside blurs as tears spill over, the sky hangs heavy with gray clouds, and the sun struggles to peek through. a cold gust of wind blows through your hair, you bury your face in hands. the loneliness is overwhelming and swallowing you whole. you don’t notice when chris creeping out beside me.
„can i sit there?” he ask pointing to the curb next to me.
you wipe your face quickly with yours sleeve. but it’s useless, your face is all tear-streaked and pale, your eyes red and tired.
„sure, i guess.”
he sit close to you, close enough for me to rest my head on his shoulder. his hand gently stroked and traced circles along your back.
„you didn’t deserve this,” he said still holding me.
you blink, confused.
„what?”
„matt” he starts suffering. „he’s…he’s been asking about you. a few days ago i peeked through his room at night and i saw you talking to him…he was laughing.” he smile through pain.
„the next day, at the morning you went…somewhere leaving him alone. and i saw him sobbing.
„what?” you ask immediately and you looked for the first time since he sat down at chris’s face. for the first time you felt something other than doubt, but you could see that this story wouldn’t end well.
he nod. „yep. i sat beside him. he’s been asking about you, a lot actually.”
your heart stutters „asking?”
„yeah…about you two. about everything you told him. but-. he hesitated. „he says it feels like a story he’s reading, not something he lived. like someone’s else live”.
you don’t know what to say.
„he’s scared, that he never get you back.” chris said.
the words hit you, your throat was sore and tightened, until you feels you can’t breathe.
„he doesn’t know how to fix it.” chris continues. „he’s prepared himself for you to leave and never come back.” chris voice cracks.
your heart shattered into pieces.
„maybe he already lost me.” you continue. „maybe i can’t pretend that everything is okay, i don’t know if i still can keep pretending.”
you pulled away from chris’s shoulder, and you two looked deep into each other’s eyes. he knew exactly what you meant. your eyes filled with tears that streamed down yours tired face.
chris just nods. and then he reached for my hand and squeezed it. „listen to me. whatever happens, i’m still by there for you, you’re not alone. okay?”
you smile through pain, and he reached to your face to wipe the tears away.
you nod again.
you sit on the crib for a while since chris leaves. you were trying to sort things out in your head. every memory with matt- the way he laugh, the way he kiss you, the way he touch you as if you were the fulfillment of his dreams, the way he loves you, that was the one thing you needed most in the world. matt. the old matt.
you didn’t even notice how dark it had become, fewer and fewer cars were passing by the hospital, and from afar, you could only hear the ambulances going by.
you went inside the hospital because what else could you do at that hour? you were so tired that you sat down against the nearest wall and soon fell asleep.
at the morning, as usual you have to check on matt. you knock. and you heard only behind the door „come in”. a hallow ache tightening your chest.
he looks at you for a moment with confusion.
„m’sorry” he says softly. „i want to remember, but i can’t, i can’t feel what you feel.”
you swallow. you can’t cry, you repeat to yourself. you gave him the broken, small smile. „i get it.”
he reaches out. but his fingers don’t quite find yours. the distance between you feels greater than ever, like an unseen barrier of sorrow and fading memories.
„maybe.” he whispers. „maybe we’re destined to remain strangers.”
and maybe he’s right.
you nod. and with that, you allowed yourself to feel sadness in his presence. yours tears are spilling freely now. „maybe it’s meant to be.”
you stood up. looking at him for the last time. you wanted so badly to stay, but it makes no sense anymore nothing makes sense.
because sometimes people who loved each other have to remain apart.
you took your bag, and you walk out of the room. you closed quietly door behind you. you don’t look back. you can’t. you didn’t look at him.
because sometimes certain goodbyes are better left unspoken.
not every love is meant to linger in the mind.
and some pains in life will stay with you forever.
in the corridor, only the sound of my footsteps could be heard.
nick stood behind you as you walked out of the hospital for the last time. he didn’t call after you, didn’t try to stop you he just watched, letting you leave, feeling the weight of the unspoken words between you two.
you step outside, the world seemed to have stopped, but only for you.
you let the tears fall again.
and somewhere deep inside, somewhere nobody can reach, you still wonder if matt regret his decision. because you don’t know and that not knowing weights heavily on your heart.
and you know it will stay with you forever.
