An Endeavor for Eloquence in Emotions

~be the hero you needed as a child~

[nicolesqueloquence]

“There’s a part of me that wants to burn because all it’s ever known is fire;

The rest of me yearns for the light after only living in the dark.”

[nicolesqueloquence]

Still, light. Still life.

20 years later, here I am in front of the glow of a giant flat and wide screen TV playing FLCL circa 2003. And I wonder what that young adolescent me would think of seeing 33-year-old me in an oversized white T-shirt wearing a post-op sling on the left shoulder with multiple prescription bottles and vitamins scattered about. I would just gaze at her, and say in a simple flat tone, “Life got…

[thepeacefulgarden]

[nicolesqueloquence]

Postictal Reverie

The postictal state is the period of recovery following an epileptic seizure or other paroxysmal neurological event, marked by a return to baseline from the abnormal ictal state. It typically involves a range of neurological and psychological symptoms as the brain returns to its normal function. So I am slightly misusing this term, as not for the immediate aftermath of a seizure but for the past…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Love, Unlocked.

This is how I came back to life. After the tears were done falling endlessly from the torrential surges of fear gripping like a bed of thorns, the stagnancy became sweat. Lyrics resuscitated my voice, music revitalized my body, and love restarted my heart. This wasn’t the love I fought endless for, however. This was the love I only wanted to run from my entire life. The love I was meant to…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Alone In The Dark.

Challenge: type out your worst fear in just four words. I have, and they’re in the title. Lili, Take another walk out of your fake world. Please put all the drugs out of your hand. You’ll see that you can breathe without no backup. So much that you got to understand. Sometimes I worry they will see these words, the ones who occupy my mind at its fullest most fantastical daydream capacity…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Letdowns, Lashouts, & the Lingering Languish.

I love long titles and especially any opportunity to use ampersand, the literary love of my life. Lot of L’s happening here and not just on the screen. The moment I walked out of my house to inhale the crisp, outside air of looming rain I knew exactly what was happening within me suddenly to make me sleep the majority of my weekend away while I escape and numb the rest. The fear has taken over…

Letdowns, Lashouts, & the Lingering Languish.

[nicolesqueloquence]

To Breathe As Me.

When you first face it, it is sheer. The ego strips for that bare moment and it is only yourself, yet surrounded. Beautiful faces, better bodies, confirming outfits. Then there is me. Just me. The inadequacy is startling. I couldn’t believe how inevitable it all felt, and the realization was stark. I really felt suffocated in my own skin. The prompts during a communal yoga session to…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Price of Peace.

Uncertainty. Finally, the pangs with gazes to the past had ceased. The part of me who never stopped looking back and even running back to the same hell that was always a trauma trap, she fell into a coma and dare I say it, I feel her dying. But I’m grieving her. Feeling that part of me who would fight and feel and fall apart so many times to try to get to that goal line with him just fade…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Regression.

Sometimes I go to sleep And I’m still seventeen You still live down my street You’re not mad at me Much to my chagrin for recent years, I’ve realized I feel stuck in the same place I originally felt lost. All it took was yet another bad day and some song lyrics to realize that I’ve been grieving the wrong person each time I let the scalding hot pain of loss touch me inside. That I’ve spent…

Regression.

[nicolesqueloquence]

Me and the Devil.

So this is my first post of the year, not my proudest. Are any of them really? I’m here with a sore shoulder merely three weeks post-op, watching snippets of Julia being killed on Cowboy Bebop because that same tragic freefall is exactly how this feels. The feeling of being let down in the worst way. Of being killed off in front of the one you love and they can do nothing about it. The only…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Old Man Elmer

Old man Elmer, He caught me on my scooter Going way too fast on the sidewalk Little as I was & Little as I still know I’ve spent my whole life learning how to stop Old man Elmer, He took a few steps from his door And saw me flashing through at the speed of light Little did he know & Little as his voice was, His words of warning are the loudest whisper in the winds of my darkest…

[nicolesqueloquence]

The Christmas Collateral.

It’s just PMS. It’s just me fatigued and sleepy from holiday emotional overload. It’s just me wishing I had a dead parent instead of an absent one. This is me realizing how much easier life would be without the constant flashbacks, questioning to their present circumstances, wondering if they ever wonder about me, do they still blame me, and why- Why have they still not tried to reach me? My…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Self Affective.

Tear streaks, cheek wetness. Joan Crawford eyebrows. Once again; send in the clowns. I clench a jaw through the day as time overtakes me with the latest implosion. I do not question it anymore. But I anguish over the right thing, the correct feeling, the appropriate response. I ignore the same prevailing question, was it me again? This time? Am I turning into him? Why am I so allergic to…

Self Affective.

[nicolesqueloquence]

2024: A Mess was Made.

Here comes my bi-monthly pity party. But hot fucking damn, did I make a hot mess of this year. Every sandcastle I started to build came crashing down by first: overly investing my time, energy, money slight resentment when not fully reciprocated paranoid delusions that: my efforts are inadequate, I’m being secretly judged and/or conspired against with some ultimate lead-up form of…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Melt.

I could continue to hate her for the rest of my life. But today is her birthday, and how unceremonious, unnecessary, uncalled for would that be? That’s still your mother. You had a lot of problems she just didn’t know how to deal with. Your sister was right behind you and needed protection from you. And even more excuses I’ve had to grin and bear it through for years. But today, while…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Luz de la Vela.

Like the sands of an hourglass, Every one of our lives together ending in a haze too fast. Moments were stretched for miles, Our faces flash awkward smiles But every now and then, we would break and burn so exposed in naked light To the stark reality we only knew how to remain blind. When the icy silence of my inner turbulence hit, I would find you there Where beneath your shield of…