nigrum cor meum

Victim of betrayal, lies, and infidelity. Therapy for my nigrum cor meum (black heart).

[nigrum-cor-meum]

How can a betrayed spouse not blame themselves for their partner's infidelity?

I saw the red flags and knew before marrying him.

I understand that no one ask to be cheated on, but I also was the fool that married him anyway. I didn't trust him. I knew in my gut I couldn't but I fucking married him anyway.

So how is it not my fault? I am the one that married a man I cannot trust. I fucking hate myself everyday for marrying him 8 years ago. I hate myself for still being in this marriage. It is all my fault. I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

[extramadness]

[nigrum-cor-meum]

When someone compliments you...tells you how beautiful you are....you're perfect etc.

And all you can think is damn....wish my husband would tell me that. I would give anything to hear him say that just once.

[depressedanxietydeath]

What do you see when you look into my eyes? Do you see the fake happiness I wear as my own skin, or do you see the pain and sadness in the tears I’m holding back, or do you see the darkness that has taken over my soul? Or are you too busy with yourself that you don’t even find the time to look me into my eyes?

Written by Aletta S.

[nigrum-cor-meum]

Damn "triggers"!!

I deal with triggers everyday. Literally every time the husband is on his cell phone...trigger. When he comes to bed 30 mins after me....trigger.

But something has really triggered the past few days. Maybe multiple things? His birthday Saturday? Did it trigger me to think the OW sent him messages to wish him Happy Birthday? Is it the time of year? I'm suspicious the last OW fling started around August of 2017 but I do not have evidence. Is it because his dick wouldn't get hard Sunday night? Which left me feeling like a total piece if trash.

All I want to do is cry! I haven't felt like this in a while. I know my symptoms are/were similar to PTSD. Not as bad as it was 6 months ago....or am I lying to myself?

My self esteem is complete shit. I want to cry and scream!

Please save me! I don't think I am strong enough to save myself!!!

[nigrum-cor-meum]

[nigrum-cor-meum]

[nigrum-cor-meum]

[extramadness]

[rhsin]

“all she ever wanted was a love that didn’t remind her of pain.”

— r.h. Sin 

[rm-drake-lines]

[rhsin]

You’re not jealous, you’re not insecure. You deserve a man that won’t force you to feel like you have to compete with other women.

r.h. Sin

[nigrum-cor-meum]

[i-wrotethisforme]

“I’m not hoping that you don’t hurt me, I’m hoping that I’m not dumb enough to let myself get hurt. 
Because I can’t control what you do, but I can control what I let happen to me.”

[depressedanxietydeath]

I’m so sorry...

I have so many beautiful people around me, talking to me and giving me hope. But somehow it’s never enough. I’m never enough. I keep trying my best, but i keep failing. I try my best to fight, to stand up and walk to the light. But I keep falling. I keep losing the light. I’m in this endless darkness. I have people here for me, but somehow it feels like I can’t reach them. Not that they won’t react when i ask for help or anything. They will. But that’s not the problem. The problem is me. I can’t message them. I can’t bother them. I can’t hurt them. I can’t speak to them. i just can’t get myself to message them to ask for help or just for them to be here with me. I have such beautiful people around me, and yet i’m so alone. Inside. I don’t know how to keep fighting, how to keep trying to get up. My legs are broken, my arms are bruised and my heart is shattered. There is no way to go, no way to get out this dark place. Out my dark mind. No place safe. No place silence. No place to feel free. Trapped in this mind. Crying but no one can hear me, correction I won’t let anyone hear it. It’s all my fault. 

Speaking my mind (by me, Aletta S.)

[myxandme-blog]

[depressedanxietydeath]

Memories...

I have these memories.  Those painful moments, words, thoughts captured in my mind. Captured but not wanted. They’re stuck in my head.  A daily reminder of the pain from the past. Something I carry with me day in, day out. I know I can’t escape it, but I keep trying. I hide, I fight, I’m running away from the pain. But the memories that once were captured Now capture me. No way to escape. No way to run away. No way to hide. It took the power over me. Those painful, unwanted memories. Written by Aletta S. (me)