I'm Nikayla

I write poetry among a plethora of other things. @nikayla129 @nikaylaelizabeth be.net/nikayla

[nikaylatirzah]

“Summer Camp Girl”

A begrudging autobiographical short story written by me.

[nikaylatirzah]

A short story (autobiographical).

[nikaylatirzah]

This poem was far too long to write out as my others, so here it is anyway. One of my favorites that I’ve written in the last couple of years.

[nikaylatirzah]

Grudges 3-1-16

It’s shattering and damaging

How crippling so deafening

Unnerving   Mouth gaping

It’s troubling Not repairing

Yes, please keep in mind That if you do find That you feel it necessary To hold fast to grudges Like the ones in your pockets If you stay angry so long Forgiveness from others Is harder to access If you keep your nose up And don’t accept an apology You’ll forget how to love

Anger is not a theology

[nikaylatirzah]

Purpose 3-8-16

And you shall not settle for homes as these

For there’s only one true home, believe me please

And when you find it’s purpose in bliss

You’ll forget your previous homes did exist

And when you know your new home’s purpose

You’ll understand what a real home’s worth is.

[nikaylatirzah]

Metaphors 2-3-16

I am a memento, a memory kept, an angle Individuals, people, ugly, pretty, child, man I disintegrate; I am forgotten or praised As big as a wall or I fit in your pocket I am nonfiction, an artifact, I’m stared at I exist after my day and arrive in an instant I am well thought out, a kiss, a love Fake smile, truth, boredom, a proof Vacation, gathering, all of the colors Or none at all; a stranger, a best friend.

[nikaylatirzah]

Lonely 2-5-16

I wake up and roll all the way over twice to the other side of my bed I brush my teeth Stare at my reflection Why bother with lipstick or blush?

I walk to my first daily obligation And nearly trip over my Welcome rug with headphones in I’m embarrassed for an instant No one laughs with me

I have no company in the evening I cook only for my stomach My shoes alone populate the entry I watch a sad, old movie And eat my own bag of popcorn I sit on one side of the couch

There’s a lot of room Over there, isn’t there?

[nikaylatirzah]

(Forever, Forever, my) Melancholy Lover 2-4-16

Love is to be unselfish whenever

To make my gloomy lover smile Want to be buried in your ribcage forever

Pump your heart with my bare hands, whatever Sorry I’m happy while you hug your knees Forever, forever, cheerless lover

You put me down hard and we wept, eyes blur I’ll be here waiting for you to need me Love is to be unselfish whenever

Want to be buried in your ribcage forever Forever, forever, miserable darling Love is to be unselfish whenever

Pump your heart with my bare hands whenever I’m going to bury my joy beneath Your unhappy heart - forever, forever

I’ll stick around here, risky endeavor Melancholy lover, I could never leave Love is to be unselfish whenever Want to be buried in your ribcage forever

[nikaylatirzah]

North Dakota 2-1-16

Winter ends never Fingertips freeze to cigarettes Fog too thick to breathe

[nikaylatirzah]

Peace In the Doorway 6-10-14

Picture this A taupe couch And a love seat Candles and a nice TV Posters and painting it all describes me And already I'm sick Of living here

I want to rearrange So strange Makes me cringe Why am I so unsteady Why do I never settle in And let life be Around me?

And right when I Finally see peace int eh doorway I'm ready for A new thing Gotta move Out of a new home Out of this dresser Out from under the pressure From the corner's mess Out of this place It never treated me well anyway.

[nikaylatirzah]

Shipwreck 6-9-14

And I don't mind sitting at a stoplight What I mind is you and that bar fight And your crazy friends You depend on too often they send You to your end And you'd bend Over backwards Just to be a trend Setter Got a sticker on your fender Just to look like You've been there To a place where they lend Diamonds To mend Your body

It's a shipwreck You turn my lungs  More black than a cigarette My heart more tired Than an insomniac My lips more numb Than a swig of Jack We're sick at sea

I don't mind being outside the loop But you really didn't have to stoop So low To get me to go For a cold cup of joe Needed me to know That she knows About being incognito At all your shows What a blow to the knees So inconsiderate Though I'm a pro You're a cold Hearted stow away Your bed's getting mold From all the gold You always grow

[nikaylatirzah]

Forever Forever 6-4-14

Half the time when I find myself blinking Your name appears on The back of my eyelids Brings me close to tears Cuz I had to say goodbye Twice already I wanna bury my heart Into your ribcage forever Forever forever

I'll just walk across the country Hitchhike to you, baby Pick you up for Corpus Christi We'll stand in the ocean And finally I'll live In the skeletal structure that holds your heart in place forever Forever forever

Isn't it odd how you haven't really Held me all that much But the pain of going without Makes me physically ill Like my hands miss feeling your Jawline still, makes my toes curl And I just wanna bury myself Into your ribcage forever Forever forever

I wanna open you up Right at the sternum And crawl into the depths Of your chiseled pale chest And stay there forever Forever forever I'll stay there forever Forever forever

[nikaylatirzah]

Tied Up Into Me 6-4-14

And since when does Giving you a ride home Mean you can be in love Kindness or romance And yes, I have a beau And yes, you like the cokes You say you're the wrong crowd & I'm not allowed to sing at your apartment anymore

This miss can't bear to make A scene at this coffee shop You're reckless in your hoodie & you found out I'm a goodie Trying not to nudge into you

Don't get tied up into me You said Don't get tied up into this You mentioned I'm lethal & charged Don't get tied up into me Little girl, You're too naive 

[nikaylatirzah]

Jacket 5-28-14

Love me, but don't kill me I heard you do that sometimes But if you are willing There won't be compromise Take off your jacket At least act like you wanna stay Holler from the living room If you want me as your fay

I know you want to baby Hold my hand again But not any farther Because patience in love is prime And I think this might be love This time

[nikaylatirzah]

Dementia 5-14

Even if I Got dementia I'm sure I would Fall for you Again Just like the first time I know that's Unromantic But just think About it for a second It's obvious

That you're For me &  I am for you.

[nikaylatirzah]

Chain Smoker 5-9-14

I can't figure myself out It's like my hands never stop having the fragrance of Cigars all over them And I have to keep it a secret But everybody knows And I'm not even sure how I guess that's the way it goes

I can't figure this thing at all It's like I'm playing you both But never purposely And I have to keep it secret But no one even knows And I don't really know I guess you'll always be foes

I never really knew myself And you both know so much of me About my purpose And we keep it in secret But somebody must know That if I keep smoking like this I'll end up playing in all the shows

I'm a chain smoker Can't get away One after another And it's all a play I'm a chain smoker I love you, I do So hard to know if your words are a Nice daydream or if you're being true

So I'll just keep on smoking these Until my head is light enough to know if this catastrophe Will try to crush my mind I wonder if I'll always be a chain smoker Or if I'll find a home.

[nikaylatirzah]

A Letter 5-6-14

I'm writing you a letter, or maybe it's a song Because everything in my life is going somewhere wrong And it kind of always has been You told me once you loved me You even wrote it down on a page But I was afraid and broke it off Out of weakness, out of shame So I simply said, "I hate you," And cried in a heap by the door You left your love on the steps in tears You replied, "I love you more."

I'm contemplating killing myself tomorrow afternoon I'll be blunt, I can't take all the sorrow I'm gonna end it soon It's always been the same I wanted once to really love you Until that good feeling went away Now I'm already broken in half Why not put me out of my misery? So I whispered then, "I hate you," And cut my wrists in my war You cried at my feet desperately And answered, "I love you more."

I'm awkward and immature they say I bet my parents agree cuz they play their own voice taped over and over Saying I'm worthless & basically trapped So I'll steal all the rum and the bathroom cabinet's prescriptions cuz When I'm high, it doesn't feel like an addiction So I laugh aloud, "I hate you," And pass out, head to the floor You hold me in my coma of fear And weep, "I love you more."

I once had a pretty deep crush on a boy But he found me clueless & I was his toy A prop to find a pleasure he craved Now I no longer have any dignity saved I'll just allow the rest to use me too And I'm positive I'll never be in love, you see If it's like this I'd rather be lonely So through gritted teeth, "I hate you," I say as they call me a whore Your hands are nailed down, but still you reach out & cry, "I love you more."

I usually curse to let fury escape Everyone lies to me,  They say it all to my face I'm used to being pissed off lately And when they ask me to do bad things I usually just black out and forget There's no way I can tell anyone this I'm far too guilty, but I like it like that So I shout now, "I hate you!" And punch til my fists are sore You let me beat you til you're almost dead Your bloody eyes say, "I love you more."

You wrote me a letter, or maybe it's a song You told me you can mend everything wrong And for once I believe that you're always truly there You tell me constant that you love me You died for life, sin & shame I'll never be afraid or leave this path My life could never be the same So I simply say, "I need you," And I hand you my heart, black and poor You hand your to me in tears And reply, "I love you more."