Being Trans Is Hard

Niko /25/ they/them

[niko-tries]

Desperately want HRT today.

[niko-tries]

I could be 10 months on t right now if I'd decided to start when I was first offered it at the clinic. Honestly it could easily have been even sooner than that. But I didn't take it and still haven't. I don't even have a plan to ever start

It sucks seeing people who came out a year after I did a few months on t and wishing I could look like they do.

It feels so unfair that some trans people get to transition and feel relief while I just have to deal with periodic dysphoria forever because my needs aren't consistent and I'm not sure there is any solution for me. Honestly I don't think people realize just what a curse fluidity is. If I could just feel the same way about gender all the time it would be so much simpler

[niko-tries]

That snapchat filter gave me purple eyebrows & sideburns. How freaking rad?

I wonder what life would be like if I looked like this

[niko-tries]

Leftbook logic

So a Facebook friend posted this long rant about how trans men couldn’t have experienced misogyny before coming out because if we acknowledge that we might have to acknowledge that TERFs are right and obviously that is bad, so basically for me I can choose between my gender identity and my actual experience, but can’t have both. (I’m not a woman, but the world had no way of knowing that these 25 years of me walking around being read as female 100% of the time and the cumulative effect of it all really sucks).

It’s frustrating that we can’t have like a reasonable conversation about this? Like obviously you’re going to be effected by socialization of the gender people *think* you are, and that is going to have effects, but it doesn’t mean that we have to throw out the fact gender identity is real or keep spaces limited to sex assigned at birth. Trans people, especially after transition are going to be effected by gender stuff for the gender they’re presenting as. And some stuff they can filter before that will be different too. But being trans isn’t going to change the fact that the world treated you a certain way because they assumed you were a different gender.

Stuff like this is why I feel so invalidated all the time. People just insist on this stuff that feels so completely backwards to my experience that I just wonder if in the one who’s confused here? Maybe trans guys don’t internalize tons of sexist shit, maybe they don’t feel panicked that they are being bad partners by no longer being as beautiful as possible. Or maybe I’d feel differently if I had even ever passed as male a single time? Or maybe this is all BS

[niko-tries]

For the record, I've never understood the either or so many people put on this. I would say both trans men and trans women will experience misogyny in their life times & can understand what it's like. The exact times and amounts will vary with the person

[niko-tries]

Leftbook logic

So a Facebook friend posted this long rant about how trans men couldn't have experienced misogyny before coming out because if we acknowledge that we might have to acknowledge that TERFs are right and obviously that is bad, so basically for me I can choose between my gender identity and my actual experience, but can't have both. (I'm not a woman, but the world had no way of knowing that these 25 years of me walking around being read as female 100% of the time and the cumulative effect of it all really sucks).

It's frustrating that we can't have like a reasonable conversation about this? Like obviously you're going to be effected by socialization of the gender people *think* you are, and that is going to have effects, but it doesn't mean that we have to throw out the fact gender identity is real or keep spaces limited to sex assigned at birth. Trans people, especially after transition are going to be effected by gender stuff for the gender they're presenting as. And some stuff they can filter before that will be different too. But being trans isn't going to change the fact that the world treated you a certain way because they assumed you were a different gender.

Stuff like this is why I feel so invalidated all the time. People just insist on this stuff that feels so completely backwards to my experience that I just wonder if in the one who's confused here? Maybe trans guys don't internalize tons of sexist shit, maybe they don't feel panicked that they are being bad partners by no longer being as beautiful as possible. Or maybe I'd feel differently if I had even ever passed as male a single time? Or maybe this is all BS

[askanonbinary]

I've recently realized that my hair makes me dysphoric. I have shoulder-length, blond, curly hair right now. I want to and I know I'll feel better with short hair. But I'm nervous & don't have the courage to & I'm worried that I might not like how it looks. To afab nb people who have cut their hair short- How did you feel afterwards? Was it easier and less to take care of or style? How did you get the courage to cut it? Anything else? I want to cut it but I don't have the courage to.

followers? 

-stevie 

[niko-tries]

Not gonna lie, it was hard for me.

The good news was my dyphoria went down dramatically, and I stopped dissociating when I looked in the mirror.

The bad was it took a while to get used to it. At first my hair was still used to my old part, and I HATED the way it looked at first and basically didn't leave the house without a hat. It is easier to take care of, but way harder to know how to style, and you can't escape a bad hair day (or month) with a ponytail anymore. Finding a decent hair cut has been the hardest part. It has slowly gotten better in the year since I cut it but yeah it was definitely a struggle to find a good hair cut + styling method, at least with my hair.

Also it was hard for me because of other stuff going on already. I felt ugly & undesirable, I felt I was losing myself with transition stuff... For most people I think it's a lot easier, even exciting right away.

My advice is to just do it if you want it and think it will help dysphoria. Despite how hard it was I don't regret it, because reducing dysphoria was so worth it, and I have slowly grown to appreciate it. If it's a struggle at first, don't despair and know that it will look better as you find better cuts and your hair forgets its old parts.

[niko-tries]

I'm slowly acquiring clothes that I feel comfortable in and actually fit me and it feels so good!

Shopping in the men's department is weird - obviously none of it is made with me in mind so I have to be creative. My "waist" size is 5 inches larger than my actual waist because men don't have hips, but at least I fit into a size you'll find actually find in the men's department although I'm always going to need to cuff or hem my pants. Then my shirt size is...a children's medium? 😂 don't know why I'm the same size as an 8 year old, but it's great to find shirts that actually fit. This advice is legit y'all! I wish I'd tried it sooner. If anyone knows where to get good kids stuff or smaller men's shirts let me know

[niko-tries]

Trans day of visibility - I have been thinking a lot about visibility for AFAB trans people. Statistically there are a lot of us, but we make up a small portion of the representation, for better & worse. There is something really powerful about being able to point to someone and say, hey, that's me - maybe I can achieve what they have. Honestly just seeing little anecdotes about people like me living openly in professional jobs is superrr encouraging. I don't think it's a trans men vs trans women kind of issue, but it is true there are very few famous trans men. Anyway, if y'all see good content by or for trans masc or nonbinary people consider sharing. Ultimately I think it's important to strive for a society where people can be openly who they are and feel safe doing so #tdov 💙💖🦄💖💙

PS - I identify as nonbinary & transmasculine (a word that includes both trans guys and nonbinary people on the masculine side). They/them pronouns. Honestly still figuring stuff out - it's hard and complicated sometimes. People being supportive makes a big difference

[niko-tries]

Trans thoughts #46654

I know I don't pass, but do I at least look butch enough that this guy who offered to get a drink with me just wants to be friends and isn't hitting on me?

[niko-tries]

JEANS!

First men's pair! I really wish I could wear them all the time bc I feel sooo much more comfortable but I'm stuck in sweatpants bc of my knee braces. I'm going to try to go without the knee besides as much as possible though since being able so wear jeans fixes so many wardrobe issues

[niko-tries]

When you've been trying to figure out how men's hairstyles work all night

[niko-tries]

Ah testosterone

Pros

- maybe less dysphoria

Cons

- takes all your body fat and turns it into a beer belly

- fucks up skin

- hair loss

- RIP classical singing?

- sex drive

- Body odor

- health risks increase

Testosterone is a demanding master

[niko-tries]

Passing tips feel so oppressive. It makes me sad to imagine constraining myself to a slow, mumbled, monotone voice. Or banning everything a lesbian might say or do or wear. Presumably purple hair is a no go too.

Either way, I don't think I'm physically capable of even causing momentary confusion without medical intervention so it's not like any of this is giving me away. My body did an incredible job of conveying it's chromosomes

[nyan-binary-catboy]

To trans guys pre T:

especially you sopranos out there.

i was a high soprano, think mariah carey high soprano. i was poppin out G’s two octaves above middle C. yeah. i sang that high.

im on week 6 of T, while my changes have come a lot faster than most guys have, i’m a low tenor. i can barely hit the C above middle C.

i used to spend nights crying because i loved to sing but hated my high voice, and was heartbroken thinking that i’d never be anything lower than a first alto. clearly that ain’t the case.

don’t give up hope just because your voice is high and you don’t think it’ll change. T is a lot more powerful than you might think. i promise that it gets better and it’s not permanent. the voice you have now is only temporary.

[queernen]

ok not to be dramatic but im crying because i have the highest soprano voice of anyone in my school district of literally thousands and it’s super good and everyone says they love it but i can’t fucking STAND it and like, ,,,, ive been so scared about what T will do to my voice because i really do love to sing and i don’t want to fuck that up?????? hh anyway thanks for the good post op

[niko-tries]

@queernen I feel this. I'm not quite that high but I've invested 10 years of training as a classical soprano and that's what I can do. I've always planned to make singing a life long hobby and I'm not sure what t might do to it if I go that direction.

I wouldn't mind not having such a high speaking nice though. I have to speak really high all the time because if I don't it hurts my singing voice... I actually had to train my voice to be higher to fix that problem and agh.

[charosaurous-blog]

afab joke:

“I’m so bad at life I got an F on my birth certificate”

[brotherly-advice]

Please stop fetishizing or hating on soft trans boys.

Let them enjoy their flower crowns and pastel colours and stop telling them to man up and stop saying that they’re ruining the trans community by forcing a stereotype upon everyone

Don’t see every trans boy as a cute soft lil smol boy who could never do any wrong and is a beautiful butterfly let them enjoy their softness and others enjoy their roughness

Just let soft trans boys live. Lol.

- Claude

[spooky-being]

Nothing like dressing pretty femininely & feelin’ good, getting halfway through the day, and then having dysphoria hit you like a fucking train 🙃

[niko-tries]

Ahhh my life! I'm always so scared to do anything feminine even when I want to because I'm afraid dysphoria is going to suddenly hit and I'll feel awful. I really hope I can past this eventually