After a year of postponing the long awaited comeback of the group, SNSD finally has the songs for the new album defined.
I was personally involved in this project, as I monitored and directed the recording sessions of all the members.
That's how I met y/n.
She is an exclusive producer for SM Entertainment, she started working for the company shortly after my contract ended. She has been involved in creating music for all (or most of) the active groups under SM, and worked numerous times with Taeyeon.
During the recordings I spent a lot of time with her, as we worked side by side.
Eventually, when you spend so many hours cooped up in a tiny studio, with only one person, who is kind and fun, you become friends, so y/n and I started a friendship. We would go for lunch after the sessions, sometimes even for drinks, we were always in touch, and when we had free time we would get together and hang out.
On the day of the last recording, when we called it a day, and all the people involved in this work called the album finished, y/n came up to me and confessed that she had feelings for me.
I guess you're never ready to hear that someone likes you, whether you like them back or not.
y/n is younger than me, she's 28. It's not that she's not attractive, it's not that we don't have a great time whenever we're together, and it's not that she doesn't listen to me and care for me every second. But y/n is like Seohyun, who is 31 and I still look at like she's a baby, so it's even worse with the producer, who is even younger.
"I can't be your friend, Fany, not when I want to take care of you and love you the way I want to."
"I only see you as a younger sister, y/n, sorry."
But no one tells you how hard it is to turn down someone who really loves you. Because when it's the person who cares about you the most, there's something inside you that keeps you from distancing them.
She always worries about me.
After the finishing of FOREVER1 I didn't see her much, only once or twice when we coincided because of mutual friends, until the day of the release. At the showcase she was with the other people who participated, supporting us.
I just greeted her politely, as the atmosphere between her and I has been a bit tense since she confessed to me. She rushed over and hugged me, bringing her hand to my hair and delicately moving her fingers through my forelocks. I can't deny that I sank into her scent and the warmth of her body for a second.
I just missed her presence, her friendship.
She congratulated me for my effort and dedication, reminded me how talented I am, told me she was proud of me, and so she filled my ears with beautiful words. And then she left to go greet and congratulate the other members.
I continued the event nicely, we did the interview with the press, took pictures, and when all the formalities were over, we all stayed for a little party.
I was having a good evening, but as I was walking towards the table where my colleagues were, someone bumped into me, provoking them to drop a bottle that exploded into pieces when it hit the floor, hurting my foot with the broken glass.
From the table everyone could see me. I fell to the floor, holding my ankle as if the pressure would cause it to hurt less. y/n got up from her chair and ran to me before anyone else, kneeling next to me.
"Fany! Are you okay? Let me see." She asked taking my hand to pull it away from my leg, but I refused.
"No, y/n, it's okay, don't worry." I brushed it off.
"What are you talking about? You're bleeding." She accentuated.
"I'm fine," I repeated standing up, wincing from the pain with every movement "y/n" I called, scolding her, as she put her arm around my waist and brought mine around her neck "I'm fine, really."
"Okay then, can you walk?" she pulled away from me, leaving me at my mercy.
Due to the fear of resting my foot and the pain increasing, I held it in the air, which caused me to wobble and eventually lose my balance, causing my foot to hit the ground and drawing a shriek of suffering from inside me.
"I told you." She mocked, quickly holding me again "I'm not letting go of you again, don't worry."
She gave me a flirtatious smile to which I scoffed, rolling my eyes at her. She helped me over to the table and sat me down in my seat, to go get something to disinfect the wound with and then bandage it.
"Ah, Fany-ah," Sunny spoke from the spot across from me "you are so lucky that someone like y/n loves you so much," she laughed bitterly, jokingly "god gives bread to those who have no teeth."
I let out a laugh and raised my middle finger at my best friend playfully, indicating for her to shut up. She was right, though.
y/n came back with a bag full of products from a pharmacy for my wound. She had gone out to look for somewhere open so she could heal me properly. Then she stayed with me all night, keeping me company, since I couldn't walk.
Of course I was lucky, I was conscious. You don't find someone like that every day. It just wasn't in me, those feelings weren't in me.
It was the night of the MAMA's, I had been invited as a host, and I was behind the stage, waiting with some idols who were going to perform after I presented the award I was in charge of.
y/n was a special guest of the event, as people who work behind the scenes, in the creation of the music, are sometimes even more important than the artists themselves. As a major producer who worked on almost all of the nominated projects of the night, she was there, witnessing it all.
At a certain point I turned my head and saw her appearing backstage. The aespa members were behind me, ready for their performance, and upon seeing the producer they got excited and went to her quickly, to which she welcomed them with open arms, hugging one by one.
y/n had told me before that she had a special fondness for the members of said group, so it was no wonder she had gone to greet them and give them encouragement before they went on stage.
She hadn't seen me yet, so I just watched them lovingly as they interacted, as it was a tender scene. But the more I watched the more I noticed a certain hand playing with y/n's fingers, sliding down her arm, resting on her waist. Touching y/n too much.
My y/n.
No.
Not mine.
Tiffany, what are we saying?
Karina was very close to her, being very affectionate, and the girl didn't seem to care, she was even comfortable with such displays of affection.
I don't understand, if you like one person, shouldn't you be indifferent to the flirting of others?
Maybe not.
My countenance changed to a totally serious one and there was a discomfort in my stomach and another in my chest. I simply turned my head away from the scene and assumed that the nuisance was just the nerves.
Some minutes later I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I turned, there she was, with that smile that always made me feel better. Except this time I wasn't too happy with her.
"Hey" she mumbled.
Taeyeon once mentioned that y/n had a very attractive voice. I never understood until that "hey".
I melted.
"Hey" I returned.
"How are you? Easy?" She asked, standing next to me.
"Fifty-fifty." I explained "It's been a long time since I've stood on stage at these awards," I added "but at least it's not to sing, if it was I'd sure be dying of nerves."
We both laughed, she agreed with me, and we kept doing small talk, until I asked her a question and she looked at me, but she stood amused, not answering, looking at me. Carefully, she lifted her hand and led it to my hair, to arrange it, tenderly running the tousled parts, to finally put a lock behind my ear.
"You look beautiful today, Fany."
I couldn't suppress the smile that broke out on my face, and I was going to respond, I was going to tell her that she looked beautiful too, but a voice interrupted me.
"y/n-nim!" The named looked in the direction the voice came from and her face lit up.
"Lily-ah! Haewon-ah!" She exclaimed cheerfully, going towards them and leaving me.
After that she disappeared with the two girls and I had to go up to present the award. As I went back to the audience zone, I saw that her seat was next to mine. I was happy to think that we would spend the rest of the MAMA's chatting, but I ended up disappointed, as she only interchanged a couple of words with me and then spent almost two whole hours talking to Tzuyu from Twice.
Who on top of that kept looking at her seductively and wouldn't let go of her hand.
And I thought Tzuyu was shy.
Even at the end of the ceremony we didn't meet again and I went back to my apartment sad, angry
and jealous.
Because it's true that you don't realize how much you love and need someone until you see her talking in Chou Tzuyu's ear.
I mean, until you lose them.
And that image on repeat, imagining her with someone who wasn't me, was driving me crazy.
I tried to lie down and sleep, relax.
I got up, made some tea, drank it, went back to bed.
I tossed and turned, kicked, groaned.
I got up, made myself a sandwich, ate it, tried again to rest.
Why does she have to be so perfect and friendly? Why do other people have to love her the way I should have loved her months ago when she told me she liked me?
I got out of bed, angry, for about the fifteenth time in the night. I put on some other clothes and grabbed my car keys.
It was 2:31 in the morning and I was at the door of y/n's apartment, ringing the doorbell.
The door opened, a y/n with tousled hair, in pajamas and half-open eyes appeared behind the door.
"Fany?"
I didn't even give her time to think about what I might be doing in her apartment at those hours in the morning. I threw my body to hers and grabbed her face to pull her close to me, thus being able to trap her lips between mine.
It took her a bit to react, but when she did, she put her hands on my waist and tilted her head to make it more comfortable for me. She held me tighter against her body to deepen the kiss.
For the first time something inside of me settled about her. Like a piece of my internal puzzle that I didn't know where to place, and only now do I realize that she is the only one who knows where it belongs. Those feelings were in me, they always were.
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