All my life I have been always overshadowed by someone. Either by my mother, a higher authority or a dear friend who has known me long enough that he or she might as well be called family. I haven’t gotten the chance to do something big and eventful on my own. Even when applying for a job, I search for a friend to get me through the process. Don’t get me wrong. I believe relationships are essential and that no man is an island but you also have to learn to love yourself by being by yourself. I want to learn how to live alone in the vast, scary world because I have already perfected the art of being confined within the four walls of a dim room.
The history of my unhealthy dependency on people is still unclear to me. Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest child of my parents? Maybe my introversion is the reason? I mean I can’t always express exactly what I want so more often than not, people express them for me unreliably. Honestly I liked being taken care of, being answered for and being represented by someone even though it meant losing the sense of individualism. But life has taken its toll on me. Life says I’m done being a child. I’m 21. This is the point where you are instantaneously handed serious responsibilities of your own and unfortunately, you can’t share the load with someone else. Life is not a group project. There are no delegations. Only sole accountability.
Now, tell me, how do I go on from here? It’s been 1 year, 7 months and 11 days since I graduated from college. Exactly 10 months since I passed the board exam. I’m unemployed. I’m broke. I have got no fucking clue what to do and that’s what I tell people. No, wait. I lied. It was never a matter of what but a matter of can I? Will I? That’s my problem. Fear. I’m too afraid to grow up because ultimately it means having to start deciding for yourself and I’m not very good at it. Consequently, you have to trust yourself which I don’t and that is why I’m stuck. I have come to a point in life my where I have spent my days upside down – I’m awake during the small hours of the night, I’m asleep most of the time, breakfast comes before sleep and friends’ encouraging words and Thought Catalog articles are of little to no help.
Probably the only thing I can do right now is hope and pray that I find courage, some slight courage and I’ll take it from there. I have to remind myself every day that this does not have to be an “all or nothing” battle. I have to take little steps, celebrate every ounce of courage I muster up every heavy day. Just breathe and learn. I can be alone. I can be alone and strong. I can be alone, strong and happy. I can be anything.
It did get better. Proud of you.
