bonbon

peppermint tea on ice with bit of sugar.

[unconditionalstudio]

[nisagogo]

disiplin

day 2

hahahaha maaf banget to myself, I've been enjoying life a little too much sampe melupakan komitmen 30 hari menulis.

mulai lagi lah ya...

I asked gemini at the beginning of my funemployment days, how to make life more meaningful.

then it listed so many things I could try, like a simple 15-mins stretch, go outside touching grass, find new hobbies, in which I did.

but once I got back to Jakarta, I got no spirit whatsoever to do all those but like it's another month so why don't we try again menjadi disiplin...?

jadi pagi ini mayan produktif, a progress. masih dalam misi jadi pribadi yang lebih sehat dan lebih baik wkwk.

besok pagi kita coba lagi. tomorrow gonna be seru sih, mau main ke rawamangun, ketemu kucing-kucing Cula, dan romantisasi hidup di atas tije.

[expressionism-art]

Four Eggs on a Plate, 2002, Lucian Freud

Medium: oil, canvas

[nisagogo]

mau mulai nulis lagi

day 1

quick-recap on my offline adventure since being away from tumblr: got layoff-ed, got a new job at an agency, resigned, got a new job at an fmcg, decided not to renew the contract, and ta-da! here i am starting again.... sorta(?)

setiap tahun selalu aja ada masanya bilang "tahun ini aneh banget", yang mana bener. 2024 dan sejauh 2025 ini juga aneh banget aja. sejak kena layoff, my life has been in a constant roller coaster ride. terrifying, exciting, somehow liberating, if i may say so myself.

kaya my recent decision tuh dipikirin mateng, meskipun beberapa orang be bluntly told me how reckless i am, and i'll lightly answer "i know" and move on. but honestly it lingered. i'm freaking out, a bit. just this morning, a senior i had during college asked, "terus sehari-hari kamu berbuat apa?". i had never once spoken to them in person wkwkwk. jadi aku jawab aja, "bersantai ahahaha".

6 bulan terakhir tuh kaya mau dye aja setiap hari. sedramatis, sepanik, se-gak-tenang itu dalam hidup. but it's a wong liyo ngerti opo situation. too tiring and too much to explain myself, i'll just let them judge me. terserah kamu mau bilang apa, i will nod and say, "njih..." supaya cepet.

───

dulu pas jaman di agensi sering memaki klien yang ngasih brief gatau jam, huft... i became one wkwk. brief call jam 00:30, i am that asshole. God give me mercy.

so i decided to take a break. i want to re-think on how good life can be. i want to start again, feeling new and refreshed, more aligned(?) with what i want in my life.

so that's about it, i want to practice writing again. karena aku sadar kalo tulisan ini seberantakan, se-all-over-the-place itu. tapi semoga by the end of month, i will improve.

1% better every day, anjay.

[tortagnamgnam]

[free-my-mindd]

Sometimes, you have to decide, “this is the last time these people are gonna make me feel this way” and stand on it. Whether it’s family, a relationship, or a friendship.

[zegalba]

[vesora]

me and @lotusmi

[nisagogo]

moon, in what phase am I right now?

and suddenly, it is April in the year 2024. look how many days I spent not being on tumblr, ranting about life.

honestly, I feel stuck but am utterly grateful for what I have today. not complaining really, I just kinda wanna have a vision of what kind of adventure I'm preparing myself right now.

day by day, I feel like am floating, like an aimless dandelion seed blown by the wind. a tranquil state indeed, but it felt a little unsettled when we didn't know where we were going, or where we would land. I was just there, capitulated in the wheel of life that's a little worn.

I put my highest trust in the divine, it's true. but this whole time, I tried to find my own answer too. to give myself a little peace of mind, I guess. but I'm not there yet, I don't even know where to begin.

cus here we are again, trapped inside the labyrinth of confusion I created in my head.

[garbonzos]

Chinese Roulette, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, 1976

[nisagogo]

jangan lagi, pls

15 days, that’s how many days this year been running and it’s already a major headache.

don’t let me repeat another year of flunk, God. I beg You on my knees.

I was too optimistic on my previous writings, am I? I just wanna let the world know that I’m trying.

[lookafterings]

The Paper-Airplane Collector

[nisagogo]

jumble clichés

new year came last week, apparently. and a little too much sims 4 during holiday shifted my way of seeing my basic needs, right now for example, my energy bar is yellow. but fun is close to red, so I check on social media and post something to boost my non-existent popularity just to get followed by few dummy accounts. (tbh I just need a space for rant)

work has been okay, nothing gives crazy pressure yet. I don’t wish for either. but a conversation earlier strikes me, I may be too loose in terms of being ambitious. I’m quite fine with how life flows at the moment to be completely honest, which is good, since I aim for tranquility. but it irks me a bit, why am I not ambitious?! at this age I should, shouldn’t I?

being home feels nice, really, I got to see my cats every time, spending time with my family, got to go around my hometown, having my tastebud spoiled, having fun with old friends. I savor it, a pause.

this year, buzz lightyear. to infinity and beyond. I wanna shock myself with what I’m capable of. positive things only please. (is it ambitious enough?)

I should make a moderately short list like everyone else. and hopefully checking them one by one. in Fall, I wanna know how far I’ve come and prove myself to be consistent. wkwk that’s so not my specialty, but a girl must try.

aaa almost forgot that 27 is just around the block. I’ll save it for another post. but I really really need to put “DO YOUR SKINCARE ROUTINE PROPERLY FFS” somewhere visible just to remind myself that I rely hard on my retinol, eye cream, and sun screen since the option of botox injection is currently not within budget.

sul sul for now.

[anamorphosis-and-isolate]

― Mary Is Happy, Mary Is Happy (2013) “Everything takes time.”

[nisagogo]

hidup lebih berani

ucapan simpel yang bikin mikir berhari-hari. soalnya pas aja buat pribadi timid “i am so out of place” kaya aku gini.

kalo aku lebih berani, sekarang aku di mana yah? ngapain?

sebenernya kalo ditarik balik setahun lalu, Tuhan tuh baik banget banget banget. mana aku kepikiran kalo setaun kemudian, yaitu sekarang, banyak banget keinginan yang udah aku dapetin.

tapi segala hal yang aku dapet rasanya juga bukan karena aku berani, out of luck(?) perhaps.

karena seinget aku yang ingatannya kurang oke ini, banyak banget hal kecil yang bikin aku takut on daily basis. contohnya, kurang ngasih titik di copy how-to. kepikirannya sampe ini fix lah PA bakal jelek.

hnggg capek... tahun ini belum kelar tapi aku udah siapin resolusi tahun depan. aku bakal hidup lebih berani, kaya judul playlist spotify-nya Uli. mempertahankan prioritas juga kalo kedamaian diri harus dijunjung tinggi, setinggi harapan orang tua.

aku nulis gini kaya orang mabok ga sih? udah rada teler kerjaan sih sebenernya masih nungguin info-revisi.docx wkwk

oh satu lagi, semoga tahun depan, di mana pun aku dan apapun itu yang aku lagi deal with, aku lebih bahagia dan sehat jasmani rohani financially.

ᵕ̈

[gangsters-wife]

[nisagogo]

on a Saturday morning, I feel like dying

call me drama queen, or whatever, for always second-guessing every little thing. I was probably designed like that.

unhealthy environment was maybe a setting I created in my head, when in fact people were mildly okay with how it was.

the bad intentions of people were maybe my overthinking playing games so that I think no one, yes no one, actually cares and people be thinking kinda ill of me.

God, I need to see my therapist. it's literally my favorite day of the week and yet I couldn't find a tiny bit of bliss.

[salvalopez]