[no-ty]

21. may

You shall not fear, but I am scared to death. 

im just honest

You Shall not envy, but I’ve been jealous,

father. 

I don’t know how to go on .

Lately

I’ve been hiding the tears, didn’t want to tear them apart 

didn’t really know where to start 

how to tell you it was getting hard and I swear i’m not mad im just glazing at the stars, not sure you understand, baby we not at war,  and thats what scares me the most 

though, i’d still say i have no regrets

but probably you’ll never know im not like the rest 

cause i pretend, to be what people shall expect, 

but my reality is disorted, im hella hard to respect

i guess

its a little messy,

and i dont know which way is the best,

im paranoid, and i cant get no rest

[no-ty]

20 may

I want to create. I want to feel something. I’m happy but I’m numb 

I’m numb because I don’t create. But I can’t when I’m happy. I’m numb when I can’t. But I’m happy. I’m happily numb. But I want to create. I might not be numb then. Or happy. But I will create. 

But what 

[wnq-writers]

Healing is when you become something else, something better, and not something you were before.

juansendizon  (via wnq-writers)

[itoric]

WeHeartIt 

[redlipstickresurrected]

Derek Shockey (American, based Omaha, NE, USA) - Untitled  Paintings: Gouache

[cactuslands]

[sixtyvocab]

[kisskissfuckshitup]

YOU BEEN HIT BY                           YOU BEEN STRUCK BY

depression

[suspend]

[no-ty]

13. april 2017

I said exactly what I meant. Even if that meant me saying something different every hour. Even if that meant people not understanding what i meant. At this point I just said exactly what I meant. I was analyzing everyones every move even more than ever before, just this time.. I wasn’t mixing circumstances with potential. 

No this time was different

This time 

I win

[t3chn0ir]

[xxiesiecle]

[no-ty]

7. aug

I feel so satisfied i want to scream. Everything feels great. I feel like the happiest person on the whole world. even though my life is falling apart right before my eyes.  

[no-ty]

My body was telling me no. It had enough of the abuse. Somehow, I thought I could control it. If i just wanted to feel the happyness again enough, I would be able to. No. That is what noone tells you. Addiction. Is that the most scary part of it? I found that looking in the mirror and seeing someone else was, or maybe it was the reason people got addicted in the first place. In my mind everyone hated themselves. They probably didn’t. Damn these walls. These faces. Smiles. I felt like I was somebody, while I was aware that I wasn’t. 

[no-ty]

2. Aug.

I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t suicidal. It’s not that I wanted to die, its just that life in itself didn’t bear any value in my mind. I didn’t exactly want to live either. Honestly, I just didn’t care in the slightest. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need more time. I wasn’t afraid of losing it, Life. I didn’t know what it meant anymore. 

[no-ty]

31 july

I was caught in between two worlds. The past and the present. I felt much happier now, but I was missing the sadness. I wasn’t quite sure if I had nothing to be hurt over, or if I was so hurt, that I had finally become numb to pain. Funny right? I used to beg god to stop the pain, but the moment it was gone I wanted it back. Maybe I just didn’t know how to live without it. Maybe I was only interested in what I didn’t have. By now I’ve tried pretty much every drug you could think of. I sometimes thought I had the answer, until I realised I haven’t slept or eaten in 3 days, just to forget it again. I hadn’t been sane in a while, but now I wasn’t even ever sober. I don’t think I know how to do that anymore. I don’t think I want to. I love the freedom. I love the wind in my hair driving somewhere in the middle of the nights. I love being fucked up on drugs. I love forgetting the world outside this appartement exists. I love forgetting all about jobs, and responsibilities. I love not having to do anything. Not having to rush anywhere. I could die this way.I’ve been thinking about taking a huge loan, going on an adventure and dying before I ever have to pay it back. I’ve been thinking about walking trough europe with no money. Just depending on someones kindness. Perhaps thats the way I wanted to die. I knew I would die because of the way I live. I always wanted my life to be like a movie, I knew it would kill me someday - but thats exactly what i wanted. To die. I didn’t quite understand how people were frightened of death. To me it was peaceful. I was losing the fight, so death just seemed right. Found out my mum is big on hand reading. She just never told me, because my life line is short. She recently found out I had been using drugs since I moved out, and she asked to read my hand. She said she knew it since I was a baby. She just hoped it would change as I grew older. Time by time she would ask to see my hand, and I never knew why. It didn’t really scare me. It just confirmed what I knew was right. I had always known too. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t scared of it. 

[no-ty]

July 19

Somewhere between losing my mind and finding a purpose I met someone that knew someone who had IT too. ‘’All he ever did was suffer’’, he said. Thats when I knew IT was the same one. ‘’I never believed it was real before I met you. I didn’t believe it, but now I’m left with no choice. The way you describe it is exactly like he did’’. I was hysterically laughing in my head, as he said these words out loud, because I didn’t even believe it myself. IT had been in me for such a long time, I had grown to believe it was ME.