no2bloodsucker

sighs

[shamesonlydaughter]

“we need to teach media literacy in schools” guys was i really the only person paying attention in english class bffr

[no2bloodsucker]

i don't know how much of me went with you. i've been living in this in-between, holding my breath for you to come back. time moves and i don't go with it, weather grows colder and i stay the same, signal-lost and buffering. i can't hold a memory long enough to draw it above water, i can't finish a thought, i don't know what to do without you here.

[no2bloodsucker]

you were all I am, you're gone and in your shadow here I am, in your image I stand hunched and awkward, forever mourning with the words that dissipate from the tip of my tongue.

in your image here I stand, your funhouse-mirror, warped and free, caged by inability, blind seer, muted by my twisting tongue.

weight presses in, i stand beneath it soft like rotten wood, digging my fingernails in, a splintering attempt at stabilising this sinking ship, blowing spluttering breaths to this family's sails, trying not to make the bow our anchor, every wrong step too heavy, too sudden, too slow.

I stand at the watersedge and there is no wind, I stand at what was once the shore and sink my toes into empty sand, silver lapping swelling feet, mercury reflections searing holes. the horizon tips askew, sky sinking into sea into earth.

[no2bloodsucker]

your face is no longer familiar, it sits powdered on our dinnertable, jarred, in sealed velvet pouches. i hesitate to let even a piece of you go, to set you free with the ocean, i want to hold on to every grain of who you used to be.

[no2bloodsucker]

in between your glassy eyes and open mouth i find my gaze fixed on the details in the carpet, every fibre weaving in and out and up and down while i wait in those awful moments between your sparse and heaving breaths. you've never been this quiet, never without your whirring mind, tangled and brilliant, gentle mechanics, now opium white. the flowerpetals on your bedside leave a poppyseed-bitter taste in my mouth. i don't want you to go, i don't want my forever to be in that awful moment waiting for your next breath, i don't want to know what it's like to miss you, i can't stand knowing you're not there.

[no2bloodsucker]

hello every nyan. insane tumblr posting to no one is free and easy.

my house has grown cold. silent and grey, your bones sharp as ice, loose, wrinkled, skin pooling around your shoulders, jawbone slicing when you smile. i don't know what to do when you leave, i don't know what to do with your half-spirit still here. smoke fills my throat, smoke of a fire soon to come, choking down what little is left to speak about, muffling any kind of futile sound, finding everybody around too busy with their new beginnings to care about endings, finding how quick friends are to tap out. i wring out the bloody water from my hair, fill these veins with something static, find signals in the phone lines crossing a sky pressing so close i can almost reach it.

[no2bloodsucker]

just something to get the wheels turning, something to get your stomach churning, making something to wet the hinges. although my words only seem to come out when touched by his butter-sweet tongue, there can be no more waiting while there's still walking to be done, stepping into someone blanker, my words melt in a cold-stripped throat, this powder-shake in my hands makes the empty gemstones in them glitter, in my palms movement makes even dull things glimmer.

I am no longer shooting for the stars, but maybe the dust they leave behind can be something just as great. my burning has ceased and I don't yet know who it's left behind, but maybe I can find something from my place on my hands and aching knees, knuckle deep in cold ash.

feverish cold and afraid, numb but for my aching jaw, teeth clenched to powder, I've become someone so foreign to the girl who once wrote of fire and blood, of teeth used for more than caging my newly quiet tongue. be it just getting older or emotional atrophy, something in me has gone. all or nothing, frozen as time passes, i still don't know how to do things by even halves.

[no2bloodsucker]

i want to show you strength doesn't have to be so cutting. you slice through connections with ease, no thought when shucking loose those you deem as weeds, encourage me to be the same, pity me when loss isn't so easy for those who feel it.

defenses unwavering, tears dry on your child-size bed, you don't have to be a man curled into his lonely pillow, i see your doe eyes when i close mine, pleading me to forgive you.

you'll have it easier if i listen and forsake you, if i heed what all those lost friends were calling, if i turn my phone off and lay here on my sheets that still smell like you.

[no2bloodsucker]

you're warm like laundry, fresh and clean, the space you make for me between the soft fabric of your skin is safe, i curl like a child in the dark corner of a pillow fort, concealed in a kingdom of comfort, of their own making, delicate and suffocating when it falls.

I'm sorry for always keeping my cards so close to my chest, I try to let my eyes betray my mouth, i try to lose my poker face with you, I want so badly for the facade to fall, to let you in.

I want you so badly I don't know how to stop begging you to say goodbye.

[no2bloodsucker]

no longer ugly but stared at just the same,

glowing with beauty instead of naivety, shoulders slouched and eyes down, sick of being called lamb by suited men hiding fox teeth, sick from the taste of youth stripped, bubbling up from a stomach forever churning, making sure they don't get to see the eyes they so want, the eyes that you love.

[no2bloodsucker]

I want to be more than a hole, something to sink into, something warm to hold all, something soft to feel,

I walk through suburbia begging the starless sky above to me make me something whole, to fill me in a way that doesnt ache,

instead i watch passing cars, counting kilometres by fractured bones, blurring lights and slurring steps on bike paths, weighing up whether there is victory in blood-hot asphalt.

[no2bloodsucker]

meat scrap on the cutting room floor, succulent and bloody, no need to water what is already deserted and dry, body primed and desecrated, soft and malleable, ready to hold on to whatever gets shot at it, gun-flash and sticky like blood, dripping between stained palms, skin sheathed under dirtied nails, drool-rusted and forever open, eyes raised in reverence, finding an altar at the feet of others more wanting.

[no2bloodsucker]

i've learnt i love watching, your fingers prodding flesh and melodies, following invisible contours, your hands curl around mine the same way they do the music.

[no2bloodsucker]

you look at me and see cities falling, you breathe me in and lose track of time, watching friendships crumbling and last trains passing, my touch blinds your blown out eyes.

take my hand and see silent towns, neighbourhoods devoid of streetlights. I can burn bright enough for the both of us to survive the night, ignited by the fire on my tongue, tracing memories buzzing to come alive.

loving me is like a car crash, you'll turn to splintering metal and traverse backroads lit by your now shattered headlights. run your tongue over my bleeding teeth and find out how it feels to be alive.

I'll bite down onto your unmarred skin, leave bruises that mirror the purpling sky, lay with me on stinging ant hills and sunburnt grass and savour the humming venom you never knew you'd like.

like a dog you cling to my side, crossing every never into a world so bright it burns your gentle eyes,

i bet you never knew this was in you,

I bet you never dreamed of the snake trailing it's way up your milky-soft thighs.

[no2bloodsucker]

half drunk on the bus home and burning, the skin on my hip where your hand was only an hour ago sparkling, hidden by our matching jackets, the only whisper of the world only we know, sun setting behind scratched windows and the lingering taste of 5 dollar wine on my lips, it doesn't burn like the taste of yours on mine. friends hidden behind flashing lights and closed doors, I need you like water, i turn to something biblical instead, body of christ and body on mine, my veins burn like holy water, depraved and desperate, only we know how it feels to be mine.

[no2bloodsucker]

childhood spent with hands full of your fellow buried things, following your mother around, collecting the squirming worms she displaces, carrying them to your home amongst the overgrown, burrowing into woven jasmine, empty fox dens with no snouts in sight except yours, sniffing out safety amongst the wild things, already hypnotised by the heady scent of the uncontrollable, already knowing what happens to girls born halfway underground, hoping the writhing creatures you find under rocks and weeds show you too how to smuggle yourself a home.

[no2bloodsucker]

my mother's blood runs through these forever wavering veins, humming in the taste of a tongue that was probably better bitten coming out swinging all the same, in the highs and lows and desperate clinging on to all that I'm so scared to lose, in the suffocating weight of a love borne burning like an open wound.

my fathers blood lives on through these stained hands and red eyes, in the metallic taste of burning foil and half-baked lies, in the bruise i didn't mean to leave blooming on your bottom lip, in my catalogue of exit signs.

I don't know how to love without a gun pointed at me under the table, without silent bleeding behind my bedroom door, without the special kind of numb that comes from fear always simmering just under the surface. I kiss you with metal on my tongue, with blood heavy and charged.

fate's open wound festers by my side.