im not a bad guy

"This is my design, it's not my circuitry. This is not who I am." Vent Account. Awkward Text posts. My name over here is Alaric, and this is the kind of thing I keep to myself.  

[nobleconflagration]

ive had enough i can’t do this anymore, im... i need to leave i didnt want to come back here but here we are.

[nobleconflagration]

im too scared to do much else to ruin this already defomred body but i’ll take my chances on paracetamol. 

[nobleconflagration]

im pretty much ready to di e

[nobleconflagration]

Pleh. I hate being at home already

My brother won’t leave me alone, eats everything I buy and just gets in my way. My mother keeps telling me how ill I look or asks if I’ve weighted myself in yet to see how “uni has taken it’s toll on me.” 

I bought food yesterday and yet to touch it? I was really craving it but now I just... Look at it and don’t wanna cook it. Like I’m expecting someone to snatch it and eat it when they feel like it because let’s fucking face it, it’ll happen.

I was asked to go to the shops to buy some stuff to nom on this evening. Mum said I could only spend £10 of it, but really I just bought what she wanted and came home. I don’t know if this was just due to fear of overspending, or the fact that I’m just not feeling it. I don’t know if it’s a case of I need someone to tell me when I should eat or not. I don’t know I feel I just get too lost in doing fuck all that I forget to take care of myself? I’m a little lazy, but I think I need to start setting reminders and build up a healthier eating schedule, I’m unsure if it’ll work, maybe having Ame there to tell me when to eat will help, but I can’t expect him to be there 24/7 making sure I’m eating, you know.

Being in this house just feels so... Like there’s food. There is food and I’m just not eating it. I’m expecting someone to tell me to put it away, or not eat it because it was theirs. I don’t know, maybe sometimes I just feel like I’m making excuses. I’m not but I feel like I am and it’s just a huge circle of “do i deserve this” or “what have i actually eaten in the past 24 hours.”

Usually the answer to the latter is nothing of substance.

But even then what does it matter... I mean, I’ll eat when I’m hungry I suppose, but that’s usually at about 1am isn’t it. Maybe I should cook now but I’ll probably end up being yelled at or something.

Take me back to Southampton.

[nobleconflagration]

Let’s work this one through from what I need to type out.

I don’t know where to start. My appetite is so everywhere, and I’ve nothing to be stressed over. Literally nothing. Okay I have a presentation exam on Thursday. I have to find a house. My family are shitbags. But I’m not stressing so why is my body telling me things it shouldn’t.

I’m worrying yes, and god after ready that I have so much more reason to worry. In fact it makes me 80x more worried to post this but I guess I need to just to get some things off my chest...

Like I’ve not been sick much this week, and I’m not forcing it anymore.. But there are times where it’s just happened and I’ve not managed to control it. I don’t wanna slip down that path again but it’s uncontrollable vomit, like I said I’m not forcing it anymore.

But ah. I don’t know I get super sensitive when people talk about food... I shouldn’t I shouldn’t, I really should not, and it’s selfish to say I freak out to the point where I can’t help if someone asks me for advice over it... But it just reminds me to back then and I look around and suddenly start to doubt myself and aaahg... I’m getting better and it’s taking time but things keep dragging me back and it’s honestly scaring me, like people they don’t wanna eat, or telling me to eat more and I just can’t.

I haven’t had the chance and now my stomach has just accepted that and can’t take in as much... I feel bad if I don’t finish a meal but I can’t do it, otherwise I’ll just see it again and I can’t... I can’t do it...

I can’t eat properly and I know I have to train myself to do it but it’s gonna take some time and some awful heavy flashbacks and some hardcore vomit control but I need to try but I need people to understand that it will take time.

Then again. You can’t just blurt out that you’re a recovering bulimic because like hell anyone’s gonna believe that... 

I just wish I could admit to it and fight it. 

[nobleconflagration]

i’m fed up with myself i don’t even have the energy to type everything out properly 

[sonmandalinasoyucu-deactivated2]

Breathe. It’s only a bad day, not a bad life.

Johnny Depp (via enemaroberts)

[nobleconflagration]

...

all i do is worry and i dont know whats happening

i dont want to bug you everyday thats what im doing isnt it,,, you’ve got so much to catch up on and you cant talk to me every second of every day and i know im useless and i dont listen half the time but i just worry

i do listen,, i adore our conversations, i love the sound of your voice, i worry about you when you’re not around i worry myself sick

i feel thats clingy

i worry about you to the point im crying and praying for your safety... a goodnight prayer is always said with you in mind and tears half the time... i worry myself sick to the point i cant eat because i’ll be sick i worry so much that the tears choke me i worry about you

because i love you

i worry when words sem slightly off because i wouldnt be able to forgive myself if i hurt you i cant forgive myself knowing that you arent happy with me, i just want you to be happy and im sorry if im useless enough to see that you might not be.... 

im,,, i love you and im sorry

[nobleconflagration]

call it foul, call it i havent been here a while

idk idk what it is but im losing myself, im finding myself in more arguments but they dont leave me feel accomplished by no means at all, i feel worse, because im wrong, im wrong and i know it but my goal was to pick out non existent flaws in other people

even the one i love

i cant do that to them yet i still do? im disgusting and they still love me, at least i hope they do...

im slipping

im constantly on edge for disaster, im crawling into the shell i once used as a barrier and i hate it. because this shell is someone who hurt themselves on a day to day basis, gave their lunch away to people they deemed needed it more, skipped meals and pretended they ate at school, and whenever they did eat just threw the damn thing back up,, that s what im scared about most that last one

that ,,, bulimia stage,

i dont know if i ever discussed it with anyone, no one knew, no one cared, i was slim but i always had been so it was fine? i recovered more in college but its still something i cant quite get over, sometimes i look at food and think i cant eat eat it,, and when i do its binge until i look at myself and regret it,,, i cant talk abotu eating disorders because i get upset but i want to help anyone with one ,, 

i neeed to practice what i preach i,, it just,, it hurts a lot

who the fuck will even read this huh 

[maisjetaime]

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.

Ten words story: may 2015 hold that morning for you. (via maisjetaime)

[hoooooooooooooney-deactivated20]

I think I love you, I think that’s what it is. ’Cause I miss you, whenever you’re not around.

별 (via clumsiest)

[shoujowonderland]

[saepphire]

[broken-from-memories]

via TumbleBoard for iPhone and iPad

[nobleconflagration]

im not okay im not okay im holding out there for you but im not okay im really not okay,,

[nobleconflagration]

i dont get it

i cant talk about it because i don't wanna look like im treating everything lightly, i dont want people to think im just saying things, im too happy to be sad, too this, too that, every excuse under the sun to say that im just not allowed to be sad, i don't have a right to be, and i wish that were the case

im losing my appetite, im getting scared, im starting to become a recluse i dont wanna talk to people but at the same time i crave conversation, i talk non stop about my adventures, things ive done already, things im proud of, my drawings, my ocs, my work in uni, people ive met but

only a few people pay attention... and even fewer care

its drawing me to stop talking, like even my family sometimes just dont listen, and i just??? things are making me sad, i wanna go back to uni, i just want to be with them, be happy again, cuddle them... i wished to go home too much maybe i should stop talking to people so often, i dunno maybe i deserve the isolation, im too much a performer, everyone i know doesnt enjoy that conversation, it's meaningless to them, 

im content with sticking by and speaking to sync everyday, or at least as often as i can... 

otherwise i think i just wanna die or at least work on silencing myself

[nobleconflagration]

i can't sleep

i've never had one before... not that bad.. it's never been that bad.. 

the uncontrollable need to cry during an exam, only to be swamped by people asking if you're okay afterwards, apologies, hugs, asking what was wrong, more apologies... 

im so scared.. i dont want you to drift from me.. i need you,, but you're starting to see you deserve better and you probably do deserve a lot better than me

i just want to hear your voice.. 

[nobleconflagration]

god im so worried,,

im trying to be strong for both of us and im falling to fucking pieces im so stressed and worried please just tell me you re okay i,,

im so sorry ,, i just,, please be okay please please please,,