UNLOVEABLE.

indie CONNOR MURPHY of DEAR EVAN HANSEN. written by puck. est 9/19

[contrariian-archive]

PSA! hey guys! just so you all know, i’m going out of town for tomorrow and saturday (i’m seeing beetlejuice in nyc with my uncle) & i’m not taking my laptop, so i won’t be able to do replies on here! i’ll be back on sunday probably, maybe saturday (but i’m also supposed to hang out with friends saturday night, so… we’ll see).

[nocandles]

GRETCHEN.

        gretchen  just  stands  there  for  a  moment,  speechless  and  surprised.   god,  was  this  what  it  felt  like  all  the  times  she’d  spoken  to  somebody  in  the  same  manner ?   and  his  tone  didn’t  even  have  the  venom  hers  once  had;  thinking  about  it  made  her  feel  sick.   ❛    because  the  table’s  good  for  at  least  four  people  and  nobody  else  is  here  but  you… ?    ❜   she  raises  an  eyebrow,  shifting  the  tray  in  her  hands.   ❛    sorry  —  if  that  was  mean,  i  mean.   i’m  working  on  the  whole…  nice  and  friendly  thing.    ❜

       THE  APOLOGY  SOUNDS  sincere  enough  that  connor  half-lets  his  walls  down .   he’s  still  not  entirely  sure  that  she’s  not  just  going  to  take  the  first  chance  she  gets  to  tell  the  school  how  much  of  a  freak  he  is ,  but  she  has  a  point  about  the  table  being  empty .   after  a  moment  of  tense  silence ,  he  shrugs .   ‘  yeah ,  whatever .  go  ahead .  ’    if  she  wants  to  commit  social  suicide ,  who  is  he  to  stop  her ?   he  turns  back  to  his  food ,  stabbing  half-heartedly  at  the  sad  salad  his  mother  packed  him ,  and  finally  adds :   ‘  it  wasn’t .   mean ,  i  mean .  ’

[vndooms]

where’s their accents then deh

[nocandles]

looksfetch‌:

        watching  the  social  hierarchy  tumble  down  in  north  shore  was  strange;  she  never  thought  she’d  see  it  happen  (  or  at  least  not  while  regina  george  was  around  ).   as  thankful  as  she  was  that  her  high  school  environment  was  —  seemingly  —  nicer  now,  she  didn’t  know  how  to  act  in  it.   in  a  time  where  the  walls  judgment  weren’t  so  high  anymore,  gretchen  doesn’t  think  she’s  ever  felt  so  out  of  place.  ❛    uh,  hi.   can  i  sit  here ?    ❜

@nocandles​ !     sc.

       he  goes  stiff  when  she  approaches ,  gripping  his  fork  so  tight  that  the  plastic  handle  bites  into  his  hand .   yeah ,  things  have  changed  for  the  better  as  a  whole ,  but  connor’s  still  generally  avoided .  he’s  known  to  all  as  a  human  time  bomb  ⁠—   and  nobody ,  not  even  his  sister ,  wants  to  be  around  him ;   they’re  all  afraid  of  being  there  when  he  finally  goes  off .   so  it’s  with  no  small  amount  of  suspicion  that  he  looks  at  her  from  beneath  thick  brows ,  silent  for  a  moment   until  he  finally  pushes  out  a  flat  response :   ‘ . . .   why .   ’

[nocandles]

remembered that connor’s from upstate new york, same as me, and then IMMEDIATELY remembered hes from WESTERN new york so he says pop instead of soda and i gotta Go Now

[nocandles]

         ‘  SHUT UP !  ’    but  he’s  laughing ,  the  sound  bright  as  he  tries  to  shake  his  twin  loose .  it’s  no  use ,  though ,  so  connor  carefully  sets  aside  his  sketchbook  as  he  leans  back  to  land  atop  the  other  boy .   ‘  it’s  a  blending  stump !  i’m  drawing !  ’

@angercide​

[nocandles]

    ‘ . . .   okay ,  what  the  hell  have  you  been  reading ?  ’   it’s  a  light-hearted  little  jab ,  but  he  drops  it  quickly  because  even  he  can  hear  the  sincerity  in  his  brother’s  words .   he  sets  his  own  book  aside   —  a  well-loved  copy  of  the  catcher  in  the  rye ,  the   spine  of  the  paperback  visibly  creased   — and  leans  forward ,  elbows  on  his  knees ,  to  look  his  brother in  the  eye .   ‘  i  mean ,  i  get  the  sentiment ,  but   —   hey ,  you  haven’t  been  smoking  without  me ,  have  you ?  ’

@angercide​ ||  ginsberg quotes (accepting)

[nocandles]

        ‘  YOU’VE  HAD  ENOUGH ?  ’    eyes  are  sharp  but  not  unkind  as  he  glances  at  his  classmate ,  drumming  his  fingers  against  his  leg .   ‘  then  do  something  about  it .  ’    be  braver  than  i  am ,  he  thinks ,  but  doesn’t  say  it  aloud .   ‘  it’s  your  life .  do  whatever  you  want  with  it ,  and  anyone  who  says  otherwise  can  fuck  off .  ’

@owllyeyed​ || overdue memes

[nocandles]

           ‘  do  i  look  like  someone  who  lets  my  emotional  life  be  run  by  any  magazine ?  ’    his  voice  is  dry ,  but  there’s  the  slightest  thread  of  amusement  running  through  the  question .  the  boy  gestures  to  himself  with  one  hand  to  illustrate  his  point ,  using  the  other  to  push  unruly  locks  from  his  face .   ‘  let  alone  time .   i  mean ,  fuck ,  they  made  trump  person  of  the  year  in  2016 .   like  he  needed  more  publicity .  ’

@pastfound​ || overdue memes

[nocandles]

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[nocandles]

ALLEN GINSBERG’S HOWL AND OTHER POEMS SENTENCE STARTERS

feel free to change pronouns, etc! i put my favorites above the cut, the rest are below.

‘ i saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked. ’ ‘ ah, ____, while you are not safe I am not safe,  and now you’re really in the total animal soup of time. ’ ‘ in my dreams you walk dripping from a sea-journey on the highway across america in tears to the door of my cottage in the western night. ’ ‘ everything is holy! everybody’s holy! everywhere is holy! everyday is in eternity! everyman’s an angel! the bum’s as holy as the seraphim! the madman is holy as you, my soul, are holy! ’ ‘ i loved you then. ’ ‘ we’re not our skin of grime, we’re not our dread bleak dusty imageless locomotive, we’re all beautiful golden sunflowers inside. ’ ‘ i’ve given you all and now i’m nothing. ’ ‘ are you going to let your emotional life be run by time magazine? ’ ‘ i’m putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. ’ ‘ i realized, shuddering, these thoughts were not eternity. ’ ‘ the weight of the world is love. ’ ‘ no rest without love, no sleep without dreams of love — be mad or chill, obsessed with angels or machines, the final wish is love — cannot be bitter, cannot deny, cannot withhold if denied: the weight is too heavy. ’ ‘ yes, yes, that’s what i wanted, i always wanted, i always wanted, to return to the body where i was born. ’ 

Keep reading

[nocandles]

owllyeyed‌:

        oh, thank god. “th-that’s … f-fine. g-good – it’s-s … yeah.” she really did not want to have to work at the carli house. while her mother is hardly there at human hours on a weekday, it would be just annette’s luck for her to drop by + act as though there weren’t a guest. she’d rather work anywhere than her own house. “b-bes-sides, i – g-got-t a c-cat … + … i d-dunn-no if y-you’r-re … a-allerg-gic.” what a weak excuse.

       ‘  i’m  not .  ’   he  misses  their  cat .  he  &  zoe  used  to  include  the  old  russian  blue  in  their  games  of  pretend ,  but  that  was  years  ago .   ‘  . . .  you  okay  with  my  sister  giving  us  a  ride ?  ’   he  can’t  drive  anymore ,  either .  well ,  he  can  legally ,  but  he  doesn’t  have  a  car  and  zoe’s  not  about  to  let  him  drive  hers .   ‘  oh ,  and ,  uh ,  fair  warning :  mom’s  gonna  try  and  swindle  you  into  dinner .   she’s  on  a  gluten-free  kick ,  so  feel  free  to  tell  her  no .  ’

[nocandles]

owllyeyed‌:

         yes, no, she definitely pinched herself a little too hard that time. she doesn’t blame him – when other students make the effort to notice her, it’s either to tease + laugh or to simply shove her out of the way. if she were capable of anger, she’d stew in it too. she digs her fingers into her arms. “n-no, i-i’ll go. y-you … y-you were h-here firs-st. sorry.” she needed to, anyway; her mother won’t like it if she doesn’t get home soon.

      ‘  i  already  SAID  i’d  go .  ’    biting  his  cheek  was  a  bad  idea ;  he  can  taste  the  blood  on  his  tongue  and  he  hates  it .  he  needs  to  get  out  of  here ,  needs  to  go  hide  somewhere  and  smoke  until  he  stops  being  like  this .    ‘  just  —   stop  apologizing .  you  didn’t  DO  anything .  ’   it’s  all  him .  it’s  always  all  him .   he  should  just  —   he  wants  to  do  something  drastic .

[nocandles]

i know i have been gone for uhhh Forever but if u wanna continue our thread just give this a like! if you’d rather start smth new too that’s also cool just tell me as much in like. the replies or over im!

[nocandles]

owllyeyed‌:

          her whole skeleton shakes with both her fearful pulse + his angry words. she hadn’t meant it in any way – shaking hands hug her forearms when she stumbles back, hazel eyes wide. her voice hisses, prolonging an ‘s’ sound. she can’t force the rest of the word out; her eyebrows pinch together as her wide-eyed gaze lowers itself. she pinches one of her arms, as hard as she can, + squeaks out a “sorry.” that one might bruise, but she needed to say it. “i-i-i – i d-d-did-dn-n’t-t – m-m-me-ean …”

      now  look  what  you’ve  done .  asshole .  fucking  psycho .  a  new  wave  of  anger  crashes  over  connor ,  this  time  not  at  annette  but  rather  at  himself .   he  feels  like  he’s  drowning.   ‘  of  course  you  didn’t .  ’    it’s  flat ,  and  it  sounds  distant  to  him ,  like  he’s  listening  through  cotton .   his  whole  body  feels  numb ,  empty ,  and  he  thinks  if  he  pinched  himself  like  she  just  did  he  wouldn’t  feel  a  thing .    he  can’t  quite  force  out  an  apology  of  his  own ,  so  he  bites  his  cheek  hard  enough  that  it  bleeds  and  says  ‘  i’ll  just . . .  i’ll  GO .  ’

[nocandles]

     ‘ . . .  fair  enough .   ’    the  boy  shrugs  thin  shoulders ,  sliding  the  proffered  smoke  back  into  the  pack .   more  for  him ,  in  that  case .   ‘  don’t  know  why  you’re  here ,  then .  ’   come  to  gawk ,  probably ,  maybe  even  jeer .

@pastfound​

[soutarasyl]

MITSKI’S ‘ BURY ME AT MAKEOUT CREEK ’  SENTENCE STARTERS

FEEL FREE TO CHANGE PRONOUNS/ETC

TEXAS REZNIKOFF

‘ it’s beautiful out today. ’ ‘ i wish you could take me upstate to that little place you would tell me about when you’d sense that i’d want to escape. ’ ‘ texas is a landlocked state. ’ ‘ it’s a little bit far away. ’ ‘ you make it there, and you make it anywhere. ’  ‘ but i’ve been anywhere, and it’s not what i want. ’ ‘ but i’ve been anywhere, and it’s not what i want: i want to be still with you. ’ ‘ i want to be still with you. ’ ‘ you keep your socks on in bed.’ ‘ you keep our hearth warm. ’ ‘ see the tree’s shadows lie in black pools in the lawns. ’ ‘ you’re the breeze in my austin nights. ’

TOWNIE

‘ there’s a party. ’ ‘ we’re all going. ’ ‘ we’re all growing up. ’ ‘ somebody’s driving. ’ ‘ somebody’s driving, and he will be drinking. ’ ‘ he’ll be drinking. ’ ‘ no one’s going back. ’ ‘ we’ve tried hungry, and we’ve tried full, and nothing seems enough. ’ ‘ nothing seems enough. ’ ‘ so tonight, the boys are gonna go for more. ’ ‘ i want a love that falls as fast as a body from a balcony. ’ ‘ i want to kiss like my heart is hitting the ground. ’ ‘ i’m holding my breath with a baseball bat. ’ ‘ i don’t know what i’m waiting for. ’ ‘ i’m not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be. ’ ‘ smell that? ’ ‘ it’s wet grass. ’ ‘ i think i’ve had enough. ’ ‘ he wants a finale, and i came prepared. ’ ‘ i came prepared. ’ ‘ we’re not going back. ’ ‘ i’ve tried sharing, and i’ve tried caring, and i’ve tried putting out. ’ ‘ and change is gonna come, but when? ’ ‘ i wanna be what my body wants me to be. ’

FIRST LOVE/LATE SPRING

‘ the night breeze carries something sweet. ’ ‘ wild women don’t get the blues. ’ ‘ wild women don’t get the blues, but i find that lately i’ve been crying like a tall child. ’ ‘ lately i’ve been crying like a tall child. ’ ‘ please hurry. ’ ‘ leave me. ’ ‘ i can’t breathe. ’ ‘ please don’t say you love me. ’ ‘ my heart seems like it’s going to burst. ’ ‘ one word from you and i would jump off of this ledge i’m on. ’ ‘ tell me don’t. ’ ‘ i was so young when i behaved twenty-five. ’ ‘ i was so young when i behaved twenty-five, yet now i find i’ve grown into a tall child. ’ ‘ i find i’ve grown into a tall child. ’ ‘ i don’t want to go home yet. ’ ‘ i don’t want to go home yet. let me walk to the top of the big night sky. ’ ‘ let me walk to the top of the big night sky. ’

FRANCIS FOREVER

‘ i don’t know what to do without you. ’ ‘ i don’t know where to put  my hands. ’ ‘ i’ve been trying to lay my head down. ’ ‘ i don’t need the world to see that i’ve been the best i can be. ’ ‘ i don’t think i could stand to be where you don’t see me. ’ ‘ on sunny days, i go out walking. ’ ‘ i end up on a tree-lined street; i look up at the gaps of sunlight. ’ ‘ i miss you more than anything. ’ ‘ autumn comes when you’re not yet done with the summer passing by. ’

I DON’T SMOKE

‘ i don’t smoke. ’ ‘ i don’t smoke except when i’m missing you. to remember your mouth, how it tasted true. ’ ‘ i don’t smoke except after i’ve held you. ’ ‘ being with you makes the flame burn good. ’ ‘ if you need to be mean, be mean to me. ’ ‘ be mean to me. i can take it and put it inside me. ’ ‘ if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room, you can lean on my arm as you break my heart. ’ ‘ i’m what’s left. ’ ‘ i’m what’s left of when we swam under the moon. ’ ‘ now the rest of my days are just waiting. ’ ‘ come down and tell me i was meant for you. ’ ‘ don’t leave me alone, wondering where you are. ’ ‘ don’t leave me alone, wondering where you are. i am stronger than you give me credit for. ’ ‘ i am stronger than you give me credit for. ’

JOBLESS MONDAY

‘ it’s a windy afternoon. ’ ‘ i can’t afford to buy my food. ’ ‘ i can’t afford to buy my food, or the drive i need to go further than they said i’d go. ’ ‘ he only loves me when there’s a means to an end. ’ ‘ you only love me when there’s a means to an end. ’ ‘ i miss when we first met. ’ ‘ you didn’t know me yet. ’ ‘ take me out. ’ ‘ take me out, baby. it makes no difference where we’ll be. ’ ‘ as long as we’re out in the sun. ’

DRUNK WALK HOME

‘ i will retire to the salton sea at the age of 23. ’ ‘ i’m starting to learn i may never be free. ’ ‘ fuck you. and your money. ’ ‘ i’m tired of your money. ’ ‘ i sit on the curb, ‘cause it’s the prettiest night. ’ ‘ there’s no one else in sight. ’ ‘ you know, i wore this dress for you. ’ ‘ these killer heels? for you. ’ ‘ see the dark? it moves with every breath of the breeze. ’

I WILL

‘ i will take good care of you. ’ ‘ everything you feel is good. ’ ‘ if only you would let you. ’ ‘ i will wash your hair at night, and dry it off with care. ’ ‘ still, i will live here. ’ ‘ so stay with me. ’ ‘ hold my hand. ’ ‘ there’s no need to be brave. ’ ‘ and all the quiet nights you bear? seal them up with care. no one needs to know they’re there, for i will hold them for you. ’ ‘ all i ever wanted is here. ’ ‘ all i ever wanted, all i want is always you. ’ ‘ it’s always you. ’ ‘ we’re not out of the tunnel. i bet you, though, there’s an end. ’ ‘ while you sleep, i’ll be scared so by the time you wake, i’ll be brave. ’ ‘ i’ll be brave. ’

CARRY ME OUT

‘ at night on the rooftop, i untie my hair. ’ ‘ my dark hair unleashes the night. ’ ‘ i say your name in hopes you’ll hear it in the stars. ’ ‘ i say your name in hopes you’ll hear it in the stars and carry me out. ’ ‘ carry me out. ’ ‘ i drive when it rains. ’ ‘ the headlight spirits, they lead me down the styx, so black it shines. ’

LAST WORDS OF A SHOOTING STAR

‘ all of this turbulence wasn’t forecasted. ’ ‘ i am relieved that i left my room tidy. ’ ‘ i am relieved that i left my room tidy: they’ll think of me kindly when they come for my things. ’ ‘ they’ll never know how i stared at the dark in that room, with no thoughts, like a blood-sniffing shark. ’ ‘ and while my dreams made music in the night, carefully i was going to live. ’ ‘ you wouldn’t leave ‘till we’d loved in the morning. ’ ‘ you’d learned from movies how love ought to be. ’ ‘ you’d say you loved me and look in my eyes, but i know through mine you were looking at yours. ’ ‘ did you know the liberty bell is a replica silently housed in its original walls? ’ ‘ while its dreams made music in the night, quietly it was told to believe. ’ ‘ i always wanted to die clean and pretty. ’ ‘ i always wanted to die clean and pretty, but i’d be too busy on working days. ’ ‘ i’d be too busy on working days. ’ ‘ i couldn’t have changed anyways. ’ ‘  goodbye. ’