Before we start the broadcast tonight, I just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. As the hub around whihc the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied (motions to face) this. Now I know you felt the same way I do when Iâm in a room with no mirrors.
And folks, there were some wild rumors about why I was gone. These are actual rumors from the actual Internets: some people said my show was cancelled by the Federal Communications Commission at the request of the Federal Election Commission because I was about to announce my presidential candidacy â not gonna happen; others said I was cancelled because I offended the Catholic Church when I compared to the Popeâs hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic; still others said I was in rehab â always an attractive option if they have that for Diet Coke.
And one person â or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabrased off of Joan Riversâs skull â accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. (Plays video of Joan Rivers saying âHe had a nose job.â) Wrong, Joan â I did not have my eyes done. That is ridiculous. I had my ass done. The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight I can barely blink now. Anyway, rumors quelled: moving on.
Oh, one more thing: evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails.
STEPHEN COLBERT, opening the Feb. 20, 2012 edition of The Colbert Report, after returning from a two-day hiatus during which he tended to his ill mother.
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