I'm pretty sure god has a vendetta against me

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[nocturan]

I miss being anorexic and bulimic. and running until I threw up more. then lifting and swimming until I couldn't move. at least guys wanted to fuck me when I was thin. everyone that claims "body positivity!!" and insists that fat bodies are just as attractive are fucking liars. I used to be hot and then became permanently disabled and unable to maintain my workout regimen. ever since then, the guys that used to eye fuck me from across the gym and tell me when their girlfriends wouldn't be home won't even make eye contact with me. you literally lose your worth when you become fat, and anyone that claims otherwise is living in a fantasy land. since I can't exercise without literally breaking my spine, I guess I'm just going back on my permanent hunger strike and puking up any of the food that I have to eat in public for "appearances." I don't fucking deserve food when I look like this.

[nocturan]

I miss being anorexic and bulimic. and running until I threw up more. then lifting and swimming until I couldn't move. at least guys wanted to fuck me when I was thin. everyone that claims "body positivity!!" and insists that fat bodies are just as attractive are fucking liars. I used to be hot and then became permanently disabled and unable to maintain my workout regimen. ever since then, the guys that used to eye fuck me from across the gym and tell me when their girlfriends wouldn't be home won't even make eye contact with me. you literally lose your worth when you become fat, and anyone that claims otherwise is living in a fantasy land. since I can't exercise without literally breaking my spine, I guess I'm just going back on my permanent hunger strike and puking up any of the food that I have to eat in public for "appearances." I don't fucking deserve food when I look like this.

[nocturan]

if I ever find a reason to not kill myself, I'll spend the rest of my days lobbying for the U.S. ratification of the UNCRC (children's bill of rights, basically) so that no child ever has to suffer the way I did. but as it stands right now, I don't even want to live to the end of the day today, much less spend years fighting politicians. but maybe if I find a reason to not kill myself...

[nocturan]

wtf is even the point of this blog anymore... I should just deactivate

[nocturan]

fuck it, I'm deleting the selfies. it's not like any of you wanted to see them anyway

[nocturan]

okay, 11 years of selfies gone. as if anyone gives a shit 🙄

[nocturan]

fuck it, I'm deleting the selfies. it's not like any of you wanted to see them anyway

[nocturan]

we don't know each other aside from being mutuals but I'd definitely notice if you stopped posting and I'd care if you died. I know it may not seem like it but I'm sure there are at least a few people in your life who care about you

that is kind of you to say.

realistically, the only people that would be concerned about my death would be the institutional research board at my university, who would realize that they wasted money on funding my study which was supposed to lead to local education policy change that would have made local, if not state/regional news

there's not a single person who would mourn me in my real life. the majority of the people who would hear about my death would simply think "wow, I didn't even know he was still alive. wasn't he supposed to die young?" I am less than an afterthought to everyone. no one gives a fuck about me.

[nocturan]

there is a certain comfort in knowing that not one of you would care or notice if I died. it means I have no one to say goodbye to; I have no one to apologize to for leaving; I have no one to consider as I prepare myself for my end. no one will care, and I won't have to concern myself with anyone's grief because no one will grieve me. I have no friends. I have no real family. I have no lovers. there is no one to worry about in my final moments. I'll die in that surgery, be zipped up in a body bag, and there won't even be a funeral. there won't even be an obituary. there is no one to remember me, and so, there is no one to concern myself with as I wait to die.

[nocturan]

I fucking wish I could get high off of my pain meds to ease the psychological distress I experience every single day, but I am in so much debilitating pain that I could swallow the whole bottle of pills and I'd only feel physically functional instead of dead on my feet. none of my antidepressants or mood stabilizers or anti-anxiety meds work. I am suffering all the time emotionally and physically. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can't even successfully attempt suicide. I know because I've tried half a dozen times. I know there is no god, or at least not a loving one, because all I have ever asked for is to put an end to my suffering. and whoever controls my puppet strings just keeps making things worse and refuses to let me die.

[nocturan]

I am once again thinking about how I used to pray for death until my parents' cult of a church told me god "wasn't meant for cripples like me," and that my childhood disabilities were in fact a sign of god's wrath and it was an early precursor to being sentenced to an eternity in the fiery lakes of hell. so then, I just began hoping for death. I'd been raped as a toddler, and it'd continue until my adolescence; I was passed around by my parents friends in secret; whoever was "babysitting" me for the weekend made a decent chunk of change by selling me to whoever decided to drop by their house. I bled everywhere. but that was part of the fantasy for those sick fucks. one time, one of them "babysat" me in my parents own house, staying the weekend... he found my mother's toys and used them on me. he told me he hoped they weren't clean. I was 4 years old. I really began suffering physically from my disabilities around then. I'd cry all the time, and everyone would beat the fuck out of me for it to shut me up because they were annoyed. my grandfather, my mother's father, caught wind of what his daughter's friends were doing to me and took unofficial custody of me for a while. funny how he never reported any of them... because they were the sons of his friends. the dark seed had already been planted, though. I longed for death. I knew god didn't love a malformed degenerate like me. I just wanted it all to end. my grandfather tried desperately to rewrite my childhood with happy memories, but he died suddenly... and he was a stupid naïve altruist who believed everyone could become a better person some day. his children hired a corrupt attorney and rewrote his will on his deathbed while he was hopped up on every pain killer known to man. the inheritance he tried to leave me is gone, because my parents got full discretionary control of it in the rewrite. and I had to go back to living with my parents. and being raped again. and hoping, not praying (because prayer wasn't for cripples like me, the church said), that I would finally get to die.

[nocturan]

my pain is at a 15/10. my self-esteem is at a -10,000/10. I have no real life connections to anyone at all. I have no friends, I have no one I'm romantically involved with. sure, I'm lauded in praise and recognition and awards at the university, but I'm nothing more than an efficient tool for the department to use. I am utterly alone in every sense of the word, and it makes me so incredibly angry that when somebody dares to reach out, I lash out because everything feels like it's too little too late. I feel like a rabid animal that should be put down for its own safety and the safety of the community.

[nocturan]

😮‍💨 a cute bartender flirted with me for about 10 minutes straight today and it temporarily restored my self-esteem, but as soon as a cuter guy walked in, the bartender stopped talking to me mid-sentence without so much of an "excuse me, I have a new customer", and I then had to sit there as he flirted with the cuter guy sitting next to me for 30 minutes so intensely that he ignored me as I tried to flag him down to pay my tab 🙃

[nocturan]

also: why the FUCK did I still tip 20% when I had to go find the hostess to pay my tab? I should have written "fuck you" in the tip line and left it at that.

[nocturan]

christ, this sweet little boy had no idea that he'll never be loved, he'll never know a day without chronic pain, and his life will never, ever have any meaning... two and a half decades later, and he'd only ever get to experience heartbreak, suffering, and a longing for death.

he couldn't name it at the time, but all he ever dreamt of was dying so he wouldn't be a burden to anyone else any longer. he'd already been sexually assaulted half a dozen times by the time this picture was taken. his chronic pain was already bringing him to tears every single day by the time this photo was taken. he just wanted it all to end, even then. and I still want it all to end now. it's been decades of craving death and coming so, so close so many times but never succeeding.

I wish I could go back in time and apologize to him for the miserable future he had ahead of him. he was such a kind, sweet, and loving boy... but the monsters in his life turned him into the worthless suicidal wretch I am today.

my mother was always right: I should have just been aborted to spare everyone the misery of being associated with me in any way. this sweet baby boy would have never existed and he never would have suffered in the myriad ways he'd come to know so intimately.

he'd have been saved if only he had just been killed early on.

[nocturan]

😮‍💨 a cute bartender flirted with me for about 10 minutes straight today and it temporarily restored my self-esteem, but as soon as a cuter guy walked in, the bartender stopped talking to me mid-sentence without so much of an "excuse me, I have a new customer", and I then had to sit there as he flirted with the cuter guy sitting next to me for 30 minutes so intensely that he ignored me as I tried to flag him down to pay my tab 🙃

[nocturan]

so in other news, despite my remarkable professional success as of late, I'm back to hoping that my spinal surgery this winter is the one that finally kills me because what the fuck is the point of being an academic laureate when I'm suffering physically and emotionally 24/7?

[nocturan]

I literally have nothing and no one to live for anyways, so with any luck, this surgery will be the one to finally end it all

[nocturan]

😮‍💨 a cute bartender flirted with me for about 10 minutes straight today and it temporarily restored my self-esteem, but as soon as a cuter guy walked in, the bartender stopped talking to me mid-sentence without so much of an "excuse me, I have a new customer", and I then had to sit there as he flirted with the cuter guy sitting next to me for 30 minutes so intensely that he ignored me as I tried to flag him down to pay my tab 🙃

[nocturan]

so in other news, despite my remarkable professional success as of late, I'm back to hoping that my spinal surgery this winter is the one that finally kills me because what the fuck is the point of being an academic laureate when I'm suffering physically and emotionally 24/7?

[nocturan]

😮‍💨 a cute bartender flirted with me for about 10 minutes straight today and it temporarily restored my self-esteem, but as soon as a cuter guy walked in, the bartender stopped talking to me mid-sentence without so much of an "excuse me, I have a new customer", and I then had to sit there as he flirted with the cuter guy sitting next to me for 30 minutes so intensely that he ignored me as I tried to flag him down to pay my tab 🙃

[nocturan]

the most disheartening thing is that I know that I'm not even *that* physically repulsive, but you all treat me like I am. I know for a damn fact that I'm not attractive by any means, but I know I'm statistically mediocre. and yet... I'm ostracized and isolated and othered and made to feel like some kind of abomination.

and this has been my *entire fucking life*, okay? I was never popular. I was never well-liked. no one ever had a real crush on me. I was always the freak. so to have that extend into my adulthood is positively heartbreaking. I'd honestly skin my face all the way off and replace it if it would appease you vainglorious assholes, but nothing ever will.

the only thing that makes a shallow, soulless bitch feel better about themselves is to look at someone they view as lesser than them and say "oh... honey 😔" and I guess that's all I'll ever be... everyone else's punchline, everyone else's pity... I fucking kill myself in the gym to tone my arms and chest while I walk around with 11 fractures in my cervical spine, and for what? the approval of catty gay men on the internet that exchange "🤢🤢🤢" emojis in reaction to every picture I post of myself? why the fuck do I bother!?

that one awful fucking cunt that groomed me when I was 13 was absolutely right: all I'll ever be is a fat donkey-troll hybrid. I should just take a bucket of sulphuric acid to my face, melt it off, and call it a day because every single one of you already think I'm that heinously ugly anyway. why the fuck shouldn't I?

[nocturan]

yes. this is because I got a shitty anon saying I looked pathetic reblogging my selfie throughout the day when "nobody even wanted to see it once." go fuck yourself actually, anon 🖕