I'm pretty sure god has a vendetta against me

| This blog is more interesting than I can ever aspire to be | I guess I'm an author | hella gay lol | message me, I need the enrichment |

[mrsterlingeverything]

Many are not familiar with what is called a diva moment. Youre about to learn

[pending-trans-action-2]

[nocturan]

It is such bullshit that I'm still dreaming about Him™ after 15 years. One dream will feature us married with a kid, and then in the next dream, I'm a teenager forcing myself to be bulimic again so he'll pay attention to me instead of his beard who he purposefully fucked outside my bedroom window to send the message that we could never actually be together... and yet, my subconscious betrays me constantly and paints him in the most rose-tinted shades, and he doesn't help matters at all irl because he'll randomly message me asking if I'm still single 🙃🙄

And he has aged like ROTTEN CURDLING MILK, and yet my subconscious airbrushes all of his smoking-related premature aging and fills in his thinning hairline, and suddenly he's a dilf in my dreams. Then I wake up and have to remind myself that he is actually becoming repulsive. His exterior is finally matching his interior, but my brain won't take the fucking hint!

I just want to fall in love with someone uncomplicated. Someone that doesn't come with a lifetime of baggage and generations of drama between our families. Is that too much to ask for?

[thememedaddy]

[nocturan]

I know you feel awful now but I also know you like asks about yourself on occasion. So I’m submitting an innocuous ask- Do you have pets?

I have a little cat named Charlotte Amelia. She's really petite even though she's nearly 2 years old. She's one of the only highlights of my days. She demands we cuddle for at least an hour every day. She has cool-green eyes, a lot like me. I rescued her from a construction site where I found her abandoned. She gets princess treatment and she knows it, lol

[nocturan]

If I could go back in time, I'd go back to the night that I graduated college at the age of 17. I'd sit myself down and tell him: "I'm sorry, kid. But this is it. This is the last and only good thing that will ever happen to you. You're going to be diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition in 3 months, and when you get the surgery to try to save your life, you'll end up permanently disabled and in constant chronic pain instead. The surgeon will do the operation incorrectly, and you will suffer for 8 years before anyone thinks to take an x-ray to discover that your titanium implants are ripping their way out of the back of your head. Then the surgery you get to fix that won't go well either. You'll have countless other surgeries for countless other conditions, and your quality of life will never, ever improve. Tonight, the night of your graduation, is the single greatest night you will ever have in your entire life. Everything goes downhill after this. You will never be happy. You will never know love. You will hate yourself every single day of your life, and you'll always wish you had died young. So do it. Kill yourself. Tonight. This is as good as it will ever get. You might as well go out on a high note. The life you lead after this is a pathetic one that is not worth living. You do not want to see what the coming years hold. You will always wish that you had died tonight."

[nocturan]

I should not find this picture of myself having a random nosebleed as attractive as I do

[nocturan]

I should not find this picture of myself having a random nosebleed as attractive as I do

[nocturan]

My sister-in-law's audacity never ceases to amaze me, because she fully sat there and told me I could never comprehend how hard she had to work and how "truly smart she had to be" to earn an online certificate in biblical studies from a pretty notorious cult organization... all the while I am earning YET ANOTHER graduate degree, but that "doesn't count" because "I'm a sheep that believes in whatever the universities tell me to believe" (even though 90% of what I do is independent research and writing original papers)... but she fully believes she's the intelligent one for completing a 9 month online certificate course that cost as much as a real degree? Which doesn't even qualify her for a job?? Be so ffr. Her maga brainrot is terminal

[nocturan]

I cannot stress enough that I was not being passive aggressive when I said I see you on my dash begging, calling out for help. My heart weeps for you. I was expressing a deep sympathy. I wasn't trying to guilt trip you; you shouldn't feel guilty for needing help. No one, not man, woman, or else wise, is an island. I genuinely think you deserve help. That society is willing to cast us to the fringes and force us to fend for ourselves is sick. My spoons comment was lamenting my own inability to help everyone, to help myself even. I wasn't saying anything intended to guilt you. I was trying to reassure you of the inherent value in your humanity, even at our lowest we have inherent value. I'm sorry I came across that way. I know you suffer. You shouldn't have to. You shouldn't feel guilty for needing help.

Thank you for the kind sentiment, but I really am at the point in my life where I wish I was long dead. If I lived in Canada, I'd have applied for MAID as soon as it became available for disabled chronic pain patients because I cannot imagine a world where life ever gets better for me. I am a coward for not taking matters into my own hands already. I kept waiting for all of my high risk surgeries to kill me, only to wake up even more deformed than last time after every single operation. I have no quality of life. No one, absolutely no one, loves me. I have no career. I have no assets. I have nothing to live for, and the only reason I'm not dead is because I'm a fucking coward that doesn't want to do it himself. I pray for a terminal illness so that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me; an ending finally in sight. But god is a perverted sadist and relishes in my suffering. Even if I shot myself in the face today, I'd probably still survive it somehow since that sick fuck won't let me die.

[nocturan]

it kind of says a lot about me that the literal only way to get me to cry inconsolably is to show me any media in which at least one (1) parent actually loves and cares for their child

[nocturan]

You ignored the parts of my ask about how I didn't want you to die. Small help I am to you, I suppose.

Well when you layer in the sentiment "all you ever do is bitch and complain all of the time and there's only so much time in the day to deal with your bullshit" in between those "well wishes", all that does is make me realize I shouldn't reach out to anyone at all since people like you are so obviously irritated to be witnessing my mental health crisis.

And then you hop on my page to make me feel guilty about noticing your hostile, passive-aggressive comment as if I don't already know that your intention was to hurt and embarrass me.

So yeah, making a passive-aggressive, hurtful comment about how nobody has the spoons to put up with me "frequently" making cries for help on the dash was no help to me. Especially when I MAYBE post once a month anymore because of shitty comments like yours.

[nocturan]

Last June, for a few glorious hours, I genuinely thought I had throat cancer and that I would finally die and I'd finally be done with my suffering. I had never been more devastated than to learn that it was just a massive infectious abscess blocking my airway. I wanted it to be a metastatic tumor so bad. I wanted to be put out of my misery so I could finally die after being tortured by medical malpractice for 11 years straight. As a result, I pray for a terminal cancer diagnosis every day. I just want to be done. I have nothing and no one to live for. There are so many weapons in my parents house... maybe I should shoot myself in the room I got raped in as a toddler... the same one they pretended was soundproof so they never had to think about why I was bleeding profusely from my ass when he was done with me. Maybe if I paint the walls in my brains, they can't ignore that as easily as they ignored my cries for help.

[vexheart]

[nocturan]

The tragedy is that I failed in the first place despite not only holding myself to impossible standards but exceeded them for ten years. I was the very best at what I did, but no amount of work experience and no number of college degrees can prepare you for being replaced by AI. There is shame in not being prepared for your life to blow up, and I should have just killed myself rather than suffer for the last two years without medical treatment wishing for death every night.

[000l]

[shrewreadings]

like to charge, reblog to cast.

[nocturan]

May the next six months kill me so I can finally know peace and stop suffering in this severely disabled body 🙏

[icaseybaybee]

[nocturan]

Well no one resents the sun for trying to start again in the morning. The same cannot be said for a failure like me, who never should have tried again and should be long dead.

[cozyvu]

via cozyvu

[nocturan]

Every year I've lived has been wasted, especially since that botched surgery in 2015. I should have killed myself as soon as I realized I'd never be healthy or happy.

[nocturan]

"I only have so many spoons but you call for help frequently on my dash"

Is a hell of a thing to say to someone who wishes he was dead because he thinks he annoys everyone in his life just for existing, and knows that no one actually cares about him. And: this was my first time posting in almost a month... But way to prove my point 🙃