Melancholia

just some grandeur of words

[nocturnalbloomer]

I just wanna get lost.

[nocturnalbloomer]

when will you stop pushing me away?

[nocturnalbloomer]

[nocturnalbloomer]

In the mood to drop everything off, ride the bus to wherever it takes me and let the transit cure my melancholy.

[nocturnalbloomer]

It's been a long time since I felt this emptiness. I thought no more alone moments. I thought.

[nocturnalbloomer]

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I wanna find home in someone else's arms. The one I could run into after a long day, the one I could bury my face and cry into for the entire day. Someone that would welcome me everytime the world conspired me again. I wanna be dependent on someone. I wanna know how home feels like. The feeling beyond feeling homey, beyond the stones and bricks, beyond having a family. I just wanna be home. I'm tired of being lost. I wanna get found. I want to settle for good.

[nocturnalbloomer]

And you are alone again, it's heartbreaking.

[nocturnalbloomer]

You're just sad... *deep sighs* Everything will be different tomorrow *deep sighs*

[nocturnalbloomer]

I wish I could disown my ownself. I'm never proud of you. You caused me a lot of pain and I don't know why I'm still holding. Fuck you and one day I'll be done of you.

[nocturnalbloomer]

Please.

[nocturnalbloomer]

You are so strong Tell me, How many people destroyed you?

[nocturnalbloomer]

Tell me where it hurt Is it your heart? Or the scars on your wrists? Maybe the bruises on the sides of your cheeks?

Tell me why it hurt Is it because he loved you so much that he became so violent Or you didn’t thought this is how cruel his love works

Tell me how does it feels To see a monster in jeans Saying he loves you with all his heart And promised he’s not gonna do it again

Tell me when will it end When you’re fighting for your last breath Or when everyone’s mourning for your death

[nocturnalbloomer]

Longing for something I never had.

[nocturnalbloomer]

Tall guys with thick eyebrows, husky voice, wit and some bad habits. Damn.

[nocturnalbloomer]

And you will never be the father that I wanted.

[nocturnalbloomer]

[nocturnalbloomer]

Sa bawat pinto na bubuksan ko, ay kaharap nito ang kaba na may halong saya dahil isa na namang pagkakataon na masisilayan muli kita.

Sa bawat hakbang, dala dala ang milyong milyong daga na tumatakbo sa dibdib ko waring tinatakot ako na maaring nakatingin ka o maaring wala ka. Di ko alam kung tama ba. Na umaasa ako na nandyan ka. Nag aantay sa pagdating ko tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa sa tuwing nariyan ka.

At sa bawat sulok, patuloy kang hinahanap ng mga mata ko. Na sana namamalikmata lang ako na di kita nakita. Na nasa gilid ka lang o sa dulo ng upuan na madalas mong puntahan.

At sa aking pag-upo, iniisa isa ko pa rin ang upuan sa harap, sa likod at sa mga gilid-gilid. Bagsak ang mga matang titingin sa aking mga paa, at doon makikita ko ang mga paa mo. Kasabay ng paghakbang mo ang pag-angat ng aking tingin. At sa pagkakataong nakita na muli kita, mariin akong pipikit at mumulat sa kawalan. Nasa isip na naman kita.  Iniisip na naman kita.

021517 dt