Untitled

[nohopeinsightsaveme]

I hide my feelings in order to protect the ones I love.  I don't think they could handle the pain and darkness depression brings

[nohopeinsightsaveme]

This isn't a Phase

People don't realize that I can't remember a time when I didn't hate myself.  I think of myself as a little girl and I remember saying to myself that I hated my hair and I hated myself.  No joke, not exzagerating.  The bulling started in preschool then went on all the way to 6th grade.  I know how everybody gets bullied at least one time in Elementary school, but I'm going to never going to be able to love myself. I don't talk about it much, I don't bother people with it.  I know I will never be able to work with kids anymore because of those years. I don't even know if I will ever have kids because of those years.  I learned that kids are cruel and that they don't understand the power of words.  In first grade my only friend left me. In 3rd grade they had class meetings during recess to talk about me.  In 5th grade they didn't talk to me they ignored me the whole year.  In 6th grade I thought it stopped I got rid of my glasses, lost my baby fat, started wearing make up, but then right before spring break my friends told me about how people talked about me and how it was going on the whole year.  The worst part is they probably don't even remember.  They are some of my friends now.  Do they think they have already made amends. They don't need to say sorry and I'm glad they are my friend, but I will still always be wondering what they think of me.  So this isn't just a depression phase.  I have hated myself most of my life and they may take me off the medication one day, but I will always hate myself.