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Fallon Desolate Minded Lesbian

[noktsiae]

No one knows that secretly I am evil

[noktsiae]

I feel like an angry ball of fire and I want to punch everyone

[noktsiae]

I feel like I should be stressed but I am not. Last year every time I got anxious I would throw up or have stomach aches and now I feel nothing. No concern. No worrt

[noktsiae]

If C is going to be the reason I treat her right that is so odd but I wish it good luck because I’m okay with it. Never would’ve assumed

[noktsiae]

Very grateful to have Mom next week. I have been so emotional and sad and needing to be held but I am so picky about when I ask that I have just been yearning from a distance. She makes me feel good in a normal way and her conversation about our weird boundaries made sense although I have my opinions about it. Either way I can’t find a problem right now. Even C has been defending her in my bouts of anger and that has helped

[noktsiae]

Doing everything except regulating my moods. I feel it rising and my eyes have pooled. It is like a prickling in my cheeks and every breath is heavy and intentional. Maybe it’s a panic attack. I cannot admit what has caused it because it is so hideously embarrassing but it is showing me how hopeless I am in terms of any sort of connection with anybody.

[noktsiae]

Holy shit I’ve never been this depressed before and it is such s chore to pretend like I am not but I don’t even know how I’d vocalize this

[noktsiae]

My meds are giving me severe migraines and I’d rather be crazy than feel a constant pulsating sharp pain

[noktsiae]

I am learning how to be normal about Mom. It is still confusing and definitely depressing and I’m learning how to stop centring all my attention onto her. It is better this way and much more balanced. It means she comes to me when she wants me vs open arms

[noktsiae]

Unfortunately my wish for myself is to be content and find a way to make these people love me the way I want to be loved otherwise I will continue to terrorise the world for my own wrongdoings

[noktsiae]

Never thought I’d have to consider things of this vileness but I suppose it comes with my personality type that is strangely aligned with being the devil from the Bible

[noktsiae]

My shell iludes me and it isn’t sure of the meaning of that word. I have fallen into a Great Depression and I am hoping it eases in the coming days because I deserve to be happy. I am happy with C and I am happy with Mom too. I am not happy with S but I cannot explain those feelings to myself without feeling like scum under my own shoe but one day I will approach that feeling honestly

[historicity-was-already-taken]

what it boils down to

jews: have collective intergenerational holocaust trauma which impacts everything they think and say about the state of israel, regardless of whether or not they support said polity. we learned this from our elders who learned it from survivors.

non-jewish leftists: can't or won't understand that trauma, accuse jews of using the holocaust as a moral shield, show no interest in unlearning the anti-Semitic tropes buried deep within their mindsets and worldviews and how those unquestioned beliefs influence how they speak about israel

neither group: has likely done much critical thinking about any of this

result: jewish individuals categorize gentile speech which is deeply critical of israel as anti-Semitic because that speech included something which triggered that generational trauma, and the only language they had for it is "that's anti-Semitic." meanwhile, gentiles assert that, as a result, jews cannot be trusted to define their own oppression

mess.

which could be solved by everyone sitting down, letting their egos drop, listening deeply, and thinking critically.

but that's not going to happen

[noktsiae]

God whay rhe fuck is going on with me please stop pulling at my brain leave me alone let me be awful

[noktsiae]

Talking to her about anything just kinda hurts my heart. I don’t know what to do with her. It’s too painful to make sense of and I’m not going to disrespect her time by being a nuisance. I just want the same treatment that she gives herself. Will you do this for me? You probably won’t. We will see.

[noktsiae]

i hope i am not losing all of my things?? i have somehow gained back mutual respect with my mother in exchange for a loss of friends and love interests and support. what is my life

[noktsiae]

stupid stupid stupid