The camera in his hands shutters multiple times. How he manages to keep his hands still is a mystery because this situation is anything but stable for the bunny, now human but still a coward bunny.
He’s really here right now, in his studio, with her.
“How is it?” a lady wearing a jester costume with the colors of red and blue approaches his direction to check.
Felix doesn’t know what possessed him to accept this job when he should’ve been doing everything he can to hide.
He looks at the camera display to check the shots. The corners of his lips rising without permission despite his nerves frying to the point of burning.
“Looks pfft-” Felix’s nervousness immediately left his body due to the absurdity of the background and getup she’s in which thank god looked more silly than... inappropriate because that would've ended him.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. I’ve been through worse. In fact, the WORST” Christine rolls her eyes at him.
“How can anything be worse than this” he retorts as he dramatically points at the setup.
The studio’s floor was decorated with a checkered pattern of black and white, while two towering purple bunny wearing pink overalls look down on them. Where did she even get those?
“This looks so ridiculous and this is me being generous. Whoever thought of this must have some screws lose”
Felix chuckles, shaking his head as he quickly goes through the shots they took so far, each looking more absurd than the last. Gloinks, Bubble, NPC mannequins, and even that annoying alligator. How does she even manage to still look adorable with all these outrageous props around her?
Once done, he steels himself to look at her. Slowly turning his head to Christine’s face, looking red and hot like a volcano about to erupt.
He slowly raises his camera and snap.
“Pfft- so it’s you. You thought of this” he said, once again failing to suppress his laughter. He didn’t really try hard to.
“Sh-shut up! DELETE THAT!” she throws the fat purple plushie on her hand which he successfully dodges making him howl even harder.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA- urk- cough-cough COUGH”
Maybe it’s karma. The guy is now coughing as much as he was laughing earlier.
“Are you okay? Should you really be talking this much? Your voice sounds so-” Christine panics tapping his back trying to help.
“I-I’ll be fine.” He swipes her hands off him. Too warm. Too comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Afraid he’ll start wanting more. He shouldn’t.
Felix was now regretting the bottle of hot sauce he chucked down his throat in one go a couple of hours ago to purposefully fuck his voice up, making it hoarse and unrecognizable for the jester standing before him.
He doubts if she even remember what he sounds like but just in case he thought.
He continues “I’m not contagious. Geez if you want me to shut up just- just say so.” stumbling both with his words and legs, caught off guard by her concern. Still soft and caring despite all the quips he’s throwing at her.
He lets his camera dangle at its strap. Felix gathers both his hands to slap his face HARD, to stop the panic attack that he feels crawling up at him.
It worked but not for long.
I need to run.
He waves his hand at her, signaling to pay him no mind, turning his back, avoiding looking at her face as he walks away. Creating distance because he knows he’ll crumble and break because of her kindness. Kindness he’ll never deserve. Something he shouldn’t crave more than he already does, even if she would give it to him in a heartbeat. How could something so soft and gentle be so destructive?
Her hand reaches for him, not touching, just hovering over the air.
“Did I-” her voice shakes “do something wrong?” she said with her voice, worried, concerned, insecure.
Felix’s heart clenched upon hearing that line again, said in almost the same way as before. Did she have a set of dialogs to use or something?
He mentally kicks himself to face her. Face her as much as he can.
He picks up his camera once again peaking at the eyepiece to look at her. The camera now a shield, helping him avoid looking at her directly. Too bright. Blinding. Any closer and he’ll burn.
He takes a deep breath
“It’s me that was wrong” snap
“No.” snap“
"You never did” snap
“I'm.. sorry” He managed to croak it out.
The words he should’ve said back in the circus after all the guns and chaos. A one-sided closure because he’s too scared to let her know what it was actually about.
“Oh, I’m glad you're okay then?” Christine tilts her head, uncertain on how to react.
Felix slowly dropped the camera down to properly look at her.
I was too greedy. This was a mistake.
Like a moth to a flame. He burns.
He should’ve rejected this job. These moments with her shouldn’t be happening.
This golden opportunity he took out of fear and something else.
What if it’s the last time? What if this is the only chance I’ll get to capture her with my own hands? What if I never see her again? I want to see her. Take photos of her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Anything. She can just sit there or even just breathe, that would’ve been fine too.
Fear and longing.
Felix’s thoughts spiraled as he stared. Christine clearly getting more uncomfortable. She can feel his sight burn a hole through her skull.
“Hey Felix, do you wanna maybe take a break? Grab a little something to eat?” she snaps him back to reality.
“Oh, uh sure. We’re pretty much done anyway” He shook his head hoping the thoughts would fall off.
The walk to the studio’s lounge felt like forever, well for him. Christine was looking forward to the food that was just delivered, happy that she’s finally out of the jester costume and getting food in her very much hungry stomach.
They sat down at an L shaped couch, dropping the food they got on the table in the center while Christine’s fat bunny plushie sat beside her.
I’m getting new couches as soon as possible. Two separate ones. This is too close. She hates getting touched. This. is. bad, his thoughts rambled, overly cautious of Christine's presence even though they're not even that close.
They opened the boxes of food they ordered. Felix got himself sweets, cake and donuts. He really needs all this sugar to keep him functional from everything. All this unfinished circus business was draining all the will power he had. Christine got herself a burger and a can of beer. Just one. She’s not that shameless. She just needs the comfort of a little alcohol. A little in the middle of the day. Felix didn’t mind, he got some for himself too from the studio’s mini-fridge.
For the first couple of minutes they ate in silence, until Felix couldn’t take it anymore. The question he's been dying to ask her was eating him alive.
Felix picks a strawberry, takes a bite, and swallows. Gathering the courage to start talking, his grip on the fork tightens so much it hurts “Sooo Miss Christine?”
Christine finishes the food in her mouth before speaking “Just call me Chris. You make me sound so old”
“You’re 27. You are old”
“How dare- whatever. How did you know?” she furrowed her brows worried he might be one of her stalkers.
Felix almost chokes at the strawberry he just ate. He hurriedly drank his beverage to clear his throat.
“Uh- You look like it?” he immediately realized his fumbles and how suspicious he sounds.
“Be thankful I already paid you” she gave him a look “So what was it that you were gonna say?” she sighs. I’m really getting old.
“How long has it been, 2 years? Looking for this purple rabbit guy” he tries to tiptoe around the subject carefully, making sure he doesn’t expose that he is the said rabbit guy.
“Uh huh” she answered casually.
He looks at the cake, poking it with a fork “You already have it all, a huge channel. I saw you streaming with some friends too. You have the whole package. You can just leave the rabbit thing and you” He drops the fork “You don’t really need to do … all this.” He picked a donut and started munching on it.
“You don’t have to answer. Just curious” he said, trying to sound like he doesn’t care while getting donut crumbs all over the place as he eats.
Christine just continued chewing her food. She was used to this question. She's been asked this a million times. True, she could just give up. She already found most of the people that were stuck with her in the circus. He’s the only one left.
Her stubborn ass can’t sit down, if she found four out of five of her circus mates then it definitely wasn’t impossible to find one more stupid rabbit. She copes. Coping hard.
She swallows her food “First of all, that’s nasty. Finish your donut before speaking” Christine hands a tissue to him and continued “I would give up half of my channel if I could meet him again.”
“Wow, only half?” he raised one of his eyebrows at her statement and uses the tissue to wipe his mouth and the mess he made at the table.
“Okay maybe more, fifty-one percent, give or take” she takes another bite out of her burger.
They look at each other “Pfftt-” both of them chuckle, shoulders relaxing.
She’s unbelievable, Felix thought while looking at her, filling her cheeks with more burger.
He leaned against the couch, letting himself sink in “What if it’s not… worth it?” He doesn't even know what answer he wants to hear from her.
“But it is,” she takes another bite.
“Is it?” he tilts his head to look at her. Does she mean it?
“It always was and probably always will be” with one final bite she finishes her burger.
“Oh” was the only thing he could muster.
Silence enveloped the two. Their stomachs full. None of them had anything left to say. Comfortable silence, for Christine that is.
Felix’s throat and chest wasn’t cooperating, going wild on their own. One’s closing up while the other’s beating all over the place.
Christine carefully picks up his camera that was sitting at the table, curiously checking the lenses’ specs. Maybe she’d buy one too and she wouldn’t have to deal with this far from professional photographer. She lifted it up to her face, peeking through the eyepiece and pointed it in his direction.
He just lets her and even makes a smug face, moving both his eyebrows up and down multiple times annoyingly.
Without realizing it, her thoughts slipped out of her mind and came out of her mouth “I would give anything up to hear what Jax was gonna say before I pushed him off the exit” she whispered, a hint of anguish and desperation in her voice. As soft and fragile as it was, he still heard.
She still remembers that?
That moment replays in Felix’s head repeatedly. Memory so clear he was practically back to being Jax again, a purple rabbit rushing to tell her that he-
snap
The camera’s shutters made a resounding sound matching his heartbeat.
Captured.
Just like that he stopped running again. His entire being stood completely still.
She scoots closer next to him “I could probably do your job better than you” she snickers “Look” proudly showing off the photo she took of Felix’s far from collected face. His eyes wide from shock, his mouth lost if it wants to go up or down, and burning red all over.
She’ll never know that face wasn’t because of the flash. He won’t let her know. That shot’s going straight to the trash as soon as she hands over the camera.
“Don’t let it get to your head. It’s only because I make a great subject.” He said trying to sound confident even though he can’t even face her. Afraid she’ll see how he’s becoming more and more red at each passing second.
“Oh, so humble” she hands over the camera
“Oh, so humble indeed” he takes it. Now hesitating to delete the photo she captured no matter how embarrassing it was. It was still something she captured.
“You remind me of him a bit. Just a bit. That one isn't really into apologies” she said while squeezing the bunny plush, hugging it like it’s all the emotional support she has left at the moment. Talking to this guy just made me miss him more.
“A bit offended. I’m one of a kind darlin~” He’s dying inside. Why did I call her that?!
“I doubt that.” She chuckles
The two bounce off each other as naturally as breathing. Their first time meeting felt like they knew each other their whole lives. It felt familiar, felt like home, felt right.
Their broken pieces stand next to each other like they fit. It could fit. It probably would, but one's too afraid to try because he thinks the sharp edges of his broken pieces would make her bleed so he takes a step back not letting the pieces collide.
After finishing and cleaning up their food they went to take more shots in the studio.
While Felix was having entire conversations inside his head over how perfect she looks in his frame, Christine on the other hand was going crazy over how comfortable she felt, working and talking with Felix. He didn't even try to touch her to pose for him unlike her previous experiences doing photo shoots. He just lets her do her thing while he snaps away with his camera, the shots still look great and maybe even better than the previous ones she worked with.
Am I projecting Jax to this guy? Is that why? God I hope not. She beat herself up inside her head. The thought that she misses him so much that she starts seeing him in other people is killing her.
snap. snap. snap.
She observes the way he stands. The way he walks and talks. It reminded her of him so much that it hurts.
snap. snap. snap.
This guy could probably pass as a Jax replacement if she can't find him for the next hundred years, she joked to herself but it only took a few seconds for her to irk at what the fuck did she just think.
snap. snap. snap.
She lifts the purple bunny plush she's holding to cover her head. Trying to hide her face that's getting warmer. She's definitely going red.
The camera shutters stopped.
“Is that really the pose you want to make for the last shot?” Felix asked one brow up, feeling like it's a waste to not show off her face.
“Mmm” is the only response she could say.
One last snap
They’re done. She’s preparing to leave. It’s time.
She’s right outside the studio’s door. She’s really leaving. This is good-bye.
As she was about to walk out she turned back “Hey uh- do you- Do you do video shoots too?”
“Obsessed with my magnificent work already?” He leans against the door with his arms crossed looking like a cocky bastard, hoping it would be enough to piss her off to not hire him again.
“I’m just too busy streaming to look for another person to take up the work but if you don’t want to, I won’t force you” she sheepishly said, volume getting lower and lower as she goes on, rubbing her arm from time to time.
I can’t. Not again. This was enough, more than enough. He shouldn’t wish for more. He shouldn’t disturb her peace. He should disappear so she can enjoy what she has.
Reject it. Don’t reach for that open palm.
He opens his mouth, ready to run again.
“Yes. I’ll do it”
He stood frozen dumbfounded at what he just said.
Those are not the words.
THOSE ARE NOT THE WORDS.
What? Why? Felix you fucking dumbass.
Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back.
“Around the same time next week then? I’ll contact you to tell you more about the details, some friends of mine are coming too”
“Hmm? Yeah, yeah” he answered like his brain cells are disconnected.
“Okayyy then. See ya Felix” she waves him goodbye still wearing that awkward smile as she enters the ride she called.
He walks back inside the studio like his shoes had weights attached to them.
Felix sits his ass down the couch and stares at the ceiling for a good ten minutes.
Why?
He smacks his own forehead so hard it echoed throughout the studio. He looks to the side and jolted, his eyes met a purple thing’s gaze.
“What are you looking at?” He asked the plushie she left behind. Of course, she had to leave something behind.
Great. GREAT.
He picks up the fat purple bunny plush and lets his face sink into it. It's warm and comforting like her. Pretty effective. He should make a Jester plushie similar to this one and add it to his collection. He let his thoughts ramble anywhere else aside from the dreaded next week's appointment.
With the last remaining life force he had left. He opened his mouth again “Stupid rabbit”
to be continued
Quick sketch of their photoshoot. They make me so sick.
English isn't my first language so yeahhh. My first fic-ish thing, please don't stab me.
Drawings sometimes cause I don't know if I'm describing the scenes properly. I'm so scared. Chapter 1 and 2 in one go. Anyway hope you enjoy whatever this thing I cooked up and lemme know what you think ( ╹▽╹ )
Chapter 1: Exit
They finally have it after all these years. An exit door.
The cast held each other's hands but of course the purple one opted out.
First one out was Zooble, then Gangle, Ragatha, Kinger, then it was finally Pomni's turn.
Each step she made felt heavier after another.
It's finally their way out. Kinger found a way. Caine was fine now.
So why does she hesitate?
She pushes off the flooding thoughts that made her eyes scribble. She made another step. Just one more and she'll be out of this hell hole.
One more step.
She felt a hand grab her.
It was Jax.
His grip tightened so much that it felt like it would bruise her.
"Just … stay in the circus with me" the bunny said like he's one more word away from breaking.
She looked at him. He's hyperventilating, eyes scribbled as much as hers.
Jax with all the strength he could muster from his noodle built body wrestles down the tiny jester, his two legs locking her down. He was basically twice her size but somehow he's still struggling. No clue where this tiny woman is hiding that much strength.
"I'm dragging your purple a[boink]ss out with me" the jester argues, her eyes twitching at the absurdity of what he just said.
Pomni grabs his ear, yanking it multiple times, hoping his brain cells will start working and realize how unreasonable he's being and maybe he knows. He definitely knows and is still doing it anyway.
A few more minutes which felt like forever of struggle, yanking ears or hat, bites, leg locking, and headbutts. The purple rabbit and jester settled down finally, now stuck in a stalemate.
With no sharp words left to throw at each other, they're met with silence for once with the only sound present is their heaving breaths, tired from it all.
Two breathes
In and out
In and out
In and out
Until one stopped
A big sigh came out of the bunny. Jax swallowed hard like a gloink was stuck down his throat.
With his hands still wrapped around her, the coward that he is, gathered all the courage he had in his body to speak.
"I don't have.. anything or anyone.. out there" he said slowly like each word coming out of his throat are shards of glass with sharp edges tearing through him.
Pomni’s bi colored eyes diluted as his arms once again tightened around her. Holding her as if letting her go would shatter him because she's the only one holding him together at this moment and maybe more.
Pomni slowly loosens her grip at his ear. Gently letting go, scared that one wrong move will break the fragile rabbit.
All the anger and frustration built up by him from all those years of him running away from his humanity, feelings, emotions, from himself, from them, from her.
All the pain and anger was drowned by just this one moment, for once Jax was running towards the jester not away from her.
She put both her hands down. Guard down. Vulnerable. Just letting him hold her because the truth was she was scared too. Terrified.
She leans against him which startles the bunny but he lets her.
Silence took over once again as the jester tried to process everything that just happened. How the high almighty Jax walls were tearing down, she's seeing and hearing it all.
She couldn't bear to look at him breaking down and she knows he doesn't want her to see so she looked to the side out of consideration for him and to prevent herself from breaking down too. She bit her lips, begging herself to get it together.
She composed herself to say something despite all the crashing emotions. This rabbit is definitely gonna be the end of her.
She needs to say it. He needs to hear it.
"You'll have me. What more do you want?" Pomni said like it's a given but at the same time sounding disappointed. Why did he think that he doesn't have anything out there? When she's right here, right now, for him, with him.
How could he even think that he has nothing. Going outside wouldn't change that they have something. Each other.
Hearing those words from her was like a bulldozer blasting through his mask. He leans down, burying his face against her neck to hide because he doesn't know what face he's making. All the control he thought he had was out of his hands and is now on hers.
Something warm bubbled in his chest at the thought that she'll let him have her. She's too good for him despite the anger and attachment issues included in the package. In fact he thinks those are bonuses.
As the rabbit’s thoughts rambled, the fear of uncertainty slowly crept in again so he held her even tighter.
“What if you forget me?” Jax voiced his fear.
Pomni raised her eyebrows at the statement and spoke with soft derision “Do you really think I'd forget someone as ANNOYING as yo-”
“You're right. How could you forget someone as CHARMING as me” he shot back.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you have to tell yourself”
They were back to bickering. Throwing and bouncing words at each other but this time assured and certain. Both knowing they'll catch each other.
They held each other's broken and terrified pieces like they fit and for now that was enough.
His arms trembled as he held her dearly.
He finally made a decision.
With his head still buried in her neck he whispers “Please hurry up and find me out there. I'm gonna curse your next generations to come if you don't."
Pomni finally looks in his direction and smiles.
“I promise. I won't move on. I can't move on and forget about you, until I find you”
Each word felt like salvation as it entered Jax’s ears and with one final squeeze in his hug. He puts his smile back on.
The two stood up facing the exit door.
Pomni offered a hand. The same hand he rejected during that one adventure messed up.
His eyes trembled. How could she offer her hand so easily despite all the rejection after rejection? She's really so stubborn beyond belief.
He held her hand. It's scary but at the same time relieving. Jax looked away trying to not break down again as they made more steps closer to the exit.
Again.
One more step and they're out.
The feeling?
Overwhelming.
Fuck. He needs to say it before they go.
He turned back.
“Pomni I-”
Before he could finish the sentence. She pushed him.
He's out.
Her thoughts immediately went into panic mode. Wait what? What was he gonna say? I thought he was gonna wrestle me down and it's going to be a thing all over again so I-
Pomni felt like she just made the biggest mistake of her life. The jester stopped thinking and rushed. Jumped. Dived into the exit door. Maybe he'll be there. Just right out there.
He wasn't.
Outside was just an empty office. The same one she went to explore all those years ago. How she could even remember something from that long time ago confused her but now's not the time to think about that.
Where is he?
Chapter 2: Found You
Purple rabbit keychains dangle.
Purple bunny plushies. A huge pile, a mountain of it.
Stupid looking purple rabbit art prints, posters and stickers. Loads of them. Her fat binder was going to run out of pages real soon.
I miss you stupid rabbit.
In the middle of a hoarder's amount of purple rabbit merch was a woman with dark black hair, wearing a shirt with a shittily drawn purple rabbit on it.
Her room? Far from normal. It's insane. Purple rabbit merch left, right, up, and down. Some she bought on a whim, some she commissioned, customized to fit the bunny from her memory.
My next generation’s really gonna get cursed at this pace. Pomni thought as she recalled the ramblings of a bunny mid breakdown.
It's been 2 years since that day.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She's been swearing a lot these past years, trying to make up for the censors while she was stuck in the circus.
Where is that stupid rabbit? Who would've thought that finding a dude among 8 billion people would be so hard.
Fuuuuuuuck.
She buried her head in a fat bunny plushie, hoping she'll sink in deep enough that it'll swallow her whole. Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
She just stayed still like that for a few minutes. She felt her eyes tear up again for the fifth time this week. It was still Monday.
She stood up and slapped both sides of her cheeks, stopping herself from breaking down again.
She opened her laptop.
“Hey Caine” Christine greeted the little toothed ring master at the corner of her screen.
“Hello Christine, are you up for an adventure?” Caine asks as his little avatar enthusiastically spins and hops around her laptop’s screen.
Sean, the former chess piece, also got the toothed ring master out of the circus. Caine's now working functionally as an AI virtual assistant and entertainer for her and the rest of the found cast mates in the circus. He can even make games for her to play on stream.
There was a time period where they were too scared to even let the toothed ring master in their devices. The thought that he might pull them back in the circus was not really a delightful idea to marinate but they gave him a chance. He started to grow on them little by little. He's still over the top but they now found him endearing.
Caine helped Christine set up her stream. A couple of thousand viewers are ready to watch her. She blew up thanks to her beautiful disaster of a room.
A year ago, she was desperate to find him. One drunken night, she streamed revealing her purple vomit looking room and rambled about her time at the circus.
Was it humiliating when that clip blew up? Definitely. She’s now known as the delusional purple rabbit woman on the internet that sometimes does urban exploration and plays games made by a floating dentures. However, she was fine with it. She thought she could find him easily with that blowing up, but of course, she found the rest of the cast except him. The guy she was trying to find. Jax.
Why's he the only one not showing up?
She opened a can of beer beside her laptop. Preparing to ramble once again. She found it therapeutic, not like these random people on the net would actually know or believe what she's talking about anyway. She was just a delusional deceased thing on the internet.
Caine gave her a thumbs up to signal that her stream is now live.
She first greeted her viewers and started talking about mundane things, updates about her life. How she's been. What she's been doing. She didn't really need to work anymore thanks to her YouTube channel Jerster’s Circus, giving her the time solely to find him but so far that's still not going well.
She took down a can of beer with just a couple of gulps.
She opened another can.
and another.
…
and another.
She's four beers in and was going to rabbit and circus rambling territory.
hiccup… “There's that one time we had a gun fight in the circus” she rambles as she takes another sip from her can.
“We were killing it. I shot Ragatha, head shot, dead center. We even took down Kinger. Zoobs really got us though, they were a walking arsenal with those multiple arms but I took them down with a ricochet shot” Christine reminisces about that in house adventure, laughing from time to time as she goes on.
“After all that, you know what he told me in the end?” she slammed her empty beer can down enough to shake the table. “That purple rabbit, when we were the last team standing” Christine looked down, hiding her face. She picked up the fat purple bunny plushie beside her and squeezed it tight in a hug.
“He said he'd move on and forget about me”
“HAHHAHHAHAHAAHHAHA-”
She threw the beer can across the room while laughing even more maniacally than before until she was out of breath then she stopped.
sniff
Oh no she was sobbing and about to break down because of a digital rabbit, in front of thousands of people. She should have stopped the stream now but she couldn't.
“Jax. Did you really forget me?” she said with a voice so small it was on the verge of disappearing, she was on the verge of disappearing. You can almost hear the sound of a heart breaking.
“Hello candy hearts, hope you enjoyed today's stream. Our favorite jester’s getting too delusional with the rabbit talk~ We’re ending it here todalooo. Bye”
Caine interrupted and ended the stream. Thank. god.
The flood gates opened. She's bawling uncontrollably, the plushie taking all of her tears.
It went on for quite a while. It's been 2 years and she should be used to it by now but she wasn’t.
After letting it all out, she stopped and looked up to her laptop screen.
“Thank you Caine”
“Christine, are you alright? Do you want me to call Ashley, Marissa, or maybe Amanda for you? Do you wanna go for an adventure after all?” Caine twiddled with his hands as he asked.
“No but.. thanks. I'll just head to bed now. Good night Caine” she responded with a very deflated voice but she still tried to smile for the little guy. She failed.
She goes to her bed walking like a zombie and curls up among her piles of purple bunny plushies.
She hugs one of them, trying to remember that hug from the gun fight.
The one where she got pushed away. Her heart ached. again
She curled up even more, holding her broken pieces together alone.
Where is he?
On the other side of a phone screen, a guy was staring at the stream ended displayed on his phone.
“I didn't forget. I could never. I-” he said as he tightened his grip on his phone.
Felix, the purple bunny she was looking for, for 2 years.
2 painfully long years.
Even though in just a month outside the circus, he found her by scouring every urban exploration Youtube channel until he found Jerster’s Circus, her sweet voice showed up. He repeatedly played her voice inside his head the day they left the circus, making sure he didn't forget.
It wasn't really hard to tell that it's her because she started her urban exploration streams with “Hey Jax” while wearing a shirt with his purple rabbit avatar on it. She looked so stupid. Adorably stupid.
I found her.
He found her first and has just been watching over her for two years.
His vision blurred as tears clogged his eyes while his phone screen dimmed.
“I'm sorry, I'm right here” he whispered as he hugged a jester plushie he made.
“I’m just-” he cut himself off.
A coward. He told her to find him but now he’s hiding.
He found her. He did. He just had to reach for her open palm again but he didn’t.
The day that he found her, he couldn’t believe how much of a lucky bastard he was. It was truly too good to be true. His tail would’ve been wagging.
She’s taller than what he had in mind but her eyes still had that same shine and softness when she was stuck in a cartoon jester’s body.
It’s her. The same Pomni, Christine, that he followed around and annoyed because her acknowledgement kept him grounded in that god forsaken place.
His hands shook as he scrolled through her channel. Damn she was really working hard to find him. She was basically streaming everyday since they got out of the circus. He watched every single one and the more he watched, creeping anxiety crawled through his chest.
What if..
What if she doesn’t want the real me?
Am I really allowed to have her?
The hope and joy quickly sours as more thoughts slipped through his mind.
The more Felix got to know Christine through the videos, the brighter she looked in his eyes. The more undeserving he felt. He wished those thoughts could just go away but it ate through his mind, leaving him in a hell he made for himself alone.
I can’t have her. He convinced himself but he couldn’t look away.
So he made a decision the day he found her.
“I’ll meet her when I’m enough” Felix said to himself as he kissed his phone screen with her on it, smiling awkwardly but still a smile nonetheless. “You look stupid” he couldn’t help but tease, even if she can’t hear it.
Maybe for the first time in his life, Felix wanted to be better for someone, for her.
He worked his ass off as a freelance photographer. Taking shots of someone else’s moments hoping someday she’d be in his frame.
Maybe this could be enough? It still wasn’t.
He went through therapy. He hated dragging his ass to talk about stupid feelings. His whole shtick was deflecting, he’s just gonna be a boring guy when his issues’ fixed but he went anyway.
This is something right? Maybe it is but still.
not enough
not. enough.
NOT ENOUGH.
Every day since the day he found her was a battle to not dive to grab her hand. He misses her but he couldn’t allow himself to hold her.
Everyday he asks himself “Am I enough?”
On particularly bad days he questioned “Will I ever be enough?”
Who even had the answer to that? Who does he want the answer to come from?
He was gonna go insane if not for her daily streams. He would watch but not reach out. Not even a comment because he’s terrified that his resolve would crumble to dust with just one word from her.
The first year of her streams was just her and 1 or 3 and if lucky 5 viewers which always included him of course
He thought she was doing just fine. She was always wearing that adorable awkward smile of hers as she streamed but one day, Christine was just sitting down in her room with multiple cans of beer beside her.
Om my god… her room. What is up with that? Felix thought as he looked around the mountain of purple rabbit plushies, posters, and more but more than that, her face looked so dead. The usual shine of her eyes was nowhere to be found.
“He’s probably cursing my next generation now” she joked but there was no laughter.
“I was in this circus. An amazing digital circus" she said with a drunken voice still trying to come up with a laugh which didn’t come out at all.
“Inside was me, Ragatha, Kinger, Gangle, Zooble, Caine, and a stupid pro at deflecting emotions Jax” she drank from a can beside her before continuing.
“He told me he doesn’t give a shit about me. Even had an entire monologue to back it up. You are my playthings, something about an egg that needs to be cracked open” she said, flopping her hands around the air as she told her story.
She finally managed to get a laugh out of her as she remembered that moment of theirs while Felix was fighting the urge to dig himself six feet underground because of how embarrassing it was.
She continued “but followed me around and kept looking at me, so annoying. He’s a real funny one, that rabbit. I hoarded these stupid looking rabbits just cause I miss that stupid emotionally crippled thing. These are my Jaxlings” she picked up her phone to showcase her room filled with Jax merch. It looked so creepy like the eyes were following her.
“Jax where the fuck are you?!" She screamed and stumbled to her bed which luckily for her ended the stream.
What the fuck just happened? Jax stared at his now empty screen for five minutes.
His face was red.
“She said she misses me” yeah no shit. She’s been going around abandoned buildings streaming everyday calling out to him hoping he sees her somehow and he just realizes that NOW?
Felix’s heart raced. His face? Red. Everything was ruined.
“I have to go to her” he steeled himself and gathered all the balls he had to finally meet her.
Okay… but where is she exactly? Felix just realized she doesn’t know where she is.
The next day after that stream, he looked up her socials. She wasn’t exactly great at hiding them.
She posted a photo about how she regularly eats at McDonalds and by the almighty power of google maps, he found the exact same one.
He felt like a fucking stalker.
I know her so this is fine, he tries to convince himself, but a voice inside his head argues but she doesn’t know you. His eye twitched, he was pissing himself off. He was indeed a professional rage baiter.
He could and he should just send a message to her. Hey it’s me, stupid emotionally crippled thing you were talking about. Can I see you?
Felix slammed his face against his hands. His resolve to meet her was wavering.
“What is wrong with you?” He questioned himself repeatedly while facing the mirror as he prepared to meet her. He’s been analyzing every corner of his freckled face.
It’s not too late, I could just not go. Nope, not an option.
He forced himself to get on with it. He took the bus to her city. It wasn’t too far from his place but the entire ride felt like forever. He could hear his own heartbeat, his feet tapping every now and then. Some circus habits didn’t wear off. His mind flooded with simulations on what he should do or say, practicing lines inside his head.
Hey, I found you like 11 months ago but was too chickened out to reach out.
What- no. Why would you say that?
I watch your streams everyday on repeat.
Nope creep
That room of yours. Really a big fan of mine huh Pompom?
Insincere and might get punched in the face… that doesn’t sound bad at a-
The creaking noise of the bus stopping blocked his train of thoughts.
It was finally his stop. As he walked towards the fast food place with a clown for a mascot, the coward inside him was getting louder and louder.
His eyes wandered. She’s right there.
He’s dying. Maybe he’s already dead.
“Pom-”
Without thinking he was already in the middle of calling her name out. The one he knew her by, still unsure if he’s allowed to use her real name.
But before he could finish her name his eyes noticed there were 4 more people around her.
His first instinct was to hide. He sat down at one of the chairs close to their table, close enough to hear them.
He could tell just from their voices, it was Kinger, Zooble, Gangle and Ragatha. Who he now knows are Sean, Ashley, Marissa, and Amanda.
They all looked peaceful just chatting together.
I.. I don’t have a place there
She was bright and smiling again
Perfect.
Maybe no amount of therapy could fix his cowardly nature.
I’m still not enough.
She already has enough. She’s happy and I-
He ran again.
beep. beep. beep.
The sound of his phone’s alarm jerked his eyes open.
Felix looked to the side of his bed. Looking so dead first thing in the morning. Great.
He just had to dream about that. Not just a dream but a memory.
Does he even still want to meet her? Does he want to be found? He doesn’t know anymore. The former rabbit doesn’t want to think about it.
He lazily reaches for his phone to check his emails if he has work to do.
His eyes widened, he hurriedly threw his phone away like it was hot lava, as he comically fell off his bed.
I must still be dreaming, he thought. No way, right?
With his forehead scrunched up he picked up his phone that barely survived the throw. It now had a few cracks on it. GREAT. JUST GREAT.
He unlocked his phone and peaked at the screen with one eye open.
“There must be something wrong with my eye” Felix said to himself mockingly as he shakes his head multiple times
He looked again, now with both eyes open.
I think I drank too much yesterday, he thought, still not believing what he’s seeing…
In his phone was an email from Jester’s Circus. Pompom’s- Christine’s Youtube channel.
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
annaxmalina
