Atomic Effervescent Existentialism

Turns out it was AuDHD all along.

[non-stick-raven]

It's official: I got my diagnoses – ASD and ADHD.

It's wild. I have been wracked with feelings of being an imposter but the more I researched AuDHD the more I related. But when I read through the official documents, I wasn't surprised by it at all. I felt relief that the wait was over but more than anything I just feel VALIDATED.

It's hard to describe what it's like to see this big part of myself laid out scientifically, objectively – proof that I have indeed been struggling this whole time.

Part of the testing requires IQ testing and at no surprise to me I tested very high (I was always in the "gifted" kid classes growing up). I think most of my cognitive dissonance comes from going my whole life being told how smart I am and KNOWING I am smart, but then struggling to IMPLEMENT it in any meaningful way or even for some aspects of daily life. I have seen it infuriate some of my family and some of my employers before but I have never had an explanation. I can SEE myself struggling but I can't stop it –– it's like everyone around me has direct control of themselves but I'm directing myself from a distance using pool noodles.

I'd like to talk to my current boss about it; they already give me more grace than all my previous employers combined. They also have autism in their family so I think they'd understand. I've told most of my friends and they're excited for me. I don't think I can really tell my family, though. I'm already in mid-life and everyone else are in their late-life stages. They are also all very likely neurodivergent in some way or another so me coming in, telling them I am autistic (something they know NOTHING about) will just spark the whole, "There's nothing wrong with you - you're just like the rest of us," which, yes, is true. I'm just like them. I'm not delivering the news this way; they've all made it almost 80 years without this knowledge, I think they'll be fine as-is.

[non-stick-raven]

Neurodiversity Spectrum

I would like to fast-forward 100 years and see where we are with understanding neurodiversity.

This was a thing I loved about my old therapist - we talked about the complexities of the human mind and personality; that two people can have the same diagnosis but have very different experiences of that diagnosis. That in many ways these things are almost arbitrary. But in order to talk about a thing we have to give it a label. And labels tend to create boxes that we collect other similar things in.

At some point you have a box of blue things and another box of star-shaped things. But then someone points out that some of your stars are blue; shouldn't they be in the blue box? That's simplifying it quite a bit but hopefully you see where I'm going.

In order to treat problems we need to have a set of qualifiers we can all agree on in order to come to the same conclusion that yes, this is Problem X and our thorough research tells us that Problem X is best treated with Solution X. Hence the DSM and insurance, etc. I came to my therapist expressing Problems A and B and so got Solutions A and B. But what if Problems A and B are also parts of Problem K?

This is why we do therapy and dig around in our brains and eliminate possibilities. So we know for sure whether it's Problem A+B or Problem K.

Turns out that Problem K is partly treated with Solutions A+B anyway so we were golden.

ADHD came up fairly often. I read books about it. My therapist herself had it. I saw lots of overlap in my life but plenty of places where it just didn't seem to be a problem where it ought to. It seemed that I'd come up coping mechanisms along the way in my life. I didn't feel the need for medication and since the only reason for a diagnosis was to get other treatments, we just didn't pursue it further. Of course, it had only been a couple years at that point that people were now "allowed" to be diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD; it may never have dawned on us then that one thing was masking part of the other.

I don't envy the professionals studying neurodiversity. While it must be fascinating it must also be a bit frustrating. There are SO many overlapping aspects and studies are increasingly showing this. But the blurring of these lines don't fit into the boxes society has dictated we use. It's why we say, "If you've met a person with autism, you've met ONE person with autism".

It also means there's a blurring into the non-disordered. Something is a disorder when it causes you problems in your daily life. I think a lot of my imposter syndrome comes from the fact that I often feel that there's nothing WRONG with me and instead it's just the world that is disordered and not accounting for myself. I have already gone through the DSM-5 and written a paper justifying a self-diagnosis of ASD; I think I technically qualify. Where this neurodiversity rubs up against the abraisive neurotypical world is where I start to feel anxiety and depression to a disordered level. Problems A+B that I was originally diagnosed with.

When really it's Problem K.

[non-stick-raven]

My Stealth-Autism

It is very likely that both sides of my family are neurodivergent in one form or another. There's so many signs sprinkled everywhere, it's crazy. It's the sort of thing that highlights how a spectrum works and how if you're far enough on the fringes, you can get by 'fine'. Some of us more 'fine' than others.

The social aspect of school was VERY hard for me. When I was in Kindergarten I was little enough to be bullied (I didn't fit in for a LOT of reasons). Looking back I can see how I struggled SO hard to hide juuuuust enough of myself that I wouldn't be bullied but expose juuuuust enough of what I actually wanted to express so I didn't die inside. As I got older, I got bigger and bolder; I was big for my age so I could beat up anyone who tried to pick on me. Teachers loved me because I was Gifted and good at everything and good at following rules so I was well-behaved. I knew how to be nice so I got along with most kids. But I was SO lonely.

It wasn't until middle school that I finally had a real group of friends and most of us were definitely neurodivergent. I still keep up with one of them and she's official, too. She's the ONLY one from my old life that could look at my pain head-on and not flinch.

For a long time I had a best friend who was an oddball like me - we liked to be silly, wear bold and crazy clothes, be super sporty when all the other girls weren't –– and she was always the life of the party and I took notes. I wasn't as good at getting a whole room to laugh like she could but I learned how to just be boldly ME and not compromise and somehow earn respect for it. Which was useful when she fell away and I carried on.

I had those friends through high school. Then in college I lucked into my most divergent group ever! We were all queer and neurodivergent and messy and colorful and beautiful. I've never felt more "normal" in my life.

When I graduated and moved home, I lost that. But a lot of things in my life were different and scary. Looking back, I was in the most neuroTYPICAL workplace I'd ever been in - and it wasn't good. I dated the wrong people who told me *I* was wrong/broken. It all led to a massive burnout meltdown.

I started working seasonally. Turns out that seasonal work attracts a lot of neurotypical people because many of us have difficulty sustaining long-term jobs (or, long-term jobs have a hard time sustaining US).

Now I'm at a full-time job at a seasonal location with some likely neurodivergent folks. Some of my co-workers are also late-in-life autism-discoverers themselves. In learning about the neurodivergent community I'm seeing that the other little social groups I have are also made up of likely neurodivergent people. We are all of the generation where you just did not get diagnosed with autism unless you were a very strange boy obsessed with trains and likely had a learning disability.

I wonder how my life would have been if I hadn't had these bubbles of neurodivergence to float in across my timeline. I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. There's SO much more information about ASD, ADHD, SPD, OCD, etc., and so much more acceptance in the younger generations. When I've 'come out' to my younger friends in their 20s, they're never surprised and usually answer with something along the lines of, "Oh, I'd just assumed you were to begin with". Man, to of had that when I was growing up...

I know society in general has a LONG way to go. And I have a lot of reasons I could be very angry with how I was overlooked for so long? But I just told you. Stealth autism.

[non-stick-raven]

I wish I could talk to my old therapist about this.

There would be SO much to unpack, though: "You're the therapist? How did you not see this?" She has autistic family members. She herself is already neurodivergent (ADHD).

I have NO hard feelings about not seeing it, though. My therapist is older than me and it is EXTREMELY common for people of our generation (Gen X/Xennial) to not know anything about autism or to have had any hope of being diagnosed unless you were a "weird boy obsessed with trains". If you didn't have a learning disability, you were just a weird kid and hopefully you were also smart enough to learn how to hide it. Like me.

My old therapist was amazing, though. She was part of a facility that mostly helped people temporarily; we couldn't pick our therapists - and you only got a highly trained person if you were doing REALLY poorly. Which I originally was and that's how I got her. Normally when you get better, they downgrade you to a.... not as skilled counselor. I don't know WHAT hoops my therapist jumped through to hold onto me for as long as she did but she did eventually have to let me go.

None of the other therapists got me. One kept going back to the fact that I'm gay - that surely the trauma of that was causing all my deeper anxieties. It wasn't. My last one was nice enough but just not persistent enough with me. I was actually doing pretty well except for my continuing, deep-seated sense that I was NOT RIGHT. I had no idea why I was NOT RIGHT but I knew it was there and I knew it was causing me problems -- like my decade-long art-block. I'm a fucking ARTIST! I'm REALLY FUCKING GOOD. I don't like to brag about myself but I'm actually VERY good at art. But I haven't wanted to DO art in almost 20 years now. I WANT to want to.

But no one has been able to tell me why I don't want to anymore. And I just KNEW this weird thing that I couldn't touch was part of it.

I eventually just stopped going to therapy.

I missed my old therapist. She was the sort who wanted to help me with the puzzle. But I just never had any way to talk about how there was still something "wrong". We just chalked it up to existential anxiety and I read a ton of Rollo May.

When you are a neurodivergent person in a room full of neurodivergent people, you seem pretty "normal". Because you ARE. You are just like "everyone else". I'm just like my family. Just like my friends. Just like my therapist. All reasons why there was nothing "wrong" with me.

Except I don't work and live in a neurodivergent WORLD. And my family have a hyper-focus on MASKING, as it turns out.

When I discovered the distinct likelyhood of my being autistic, it blew the lid on this massive THING that has been bothering me this whole time. And it's not the fact of the autism itself - not at all. I'm all about it. It's that I'd been taught to mask my whole life and I'd been approaching how I care for myself incorrectly this whole time.

Once I came to the conclusion I'm AuDHD (my therapist and I had 'soft-diagnosed' me with ADHD; more on that later), and I started taking care of myself the way autism should be treated, I began feeling SO much better in general. I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication, which has mostly been good though I accept that anxiety is still anxiety and I may need to be on it again some day and that's okay. I set better boundaries for myself and it's really just.... better.

My art has NOT been better, though I do at least now have a creative job so I DO get to do illustrations now and then. I'm currently looking into finding a therapist who has experience with autistic adults to see if they have any insight into this.

A part of me just wishes I could tell my old therapist, "Hey! I figured it out! The thing I always knew was off but couldn't figure out!!!" and have her be excited for me. It's okay that we missed it back then; who the hell knows, maybe she saw it but knew it didn't matter and that it was the life-skills she taught me that were more salient to my situation. I just hope my future therapist will be as dogged with helping me figure shit out.

[non-stick-raven]

I LOVE a good survey. I love quizzes. I studied various theories of personality for YEARS. And my favorite podcast had a whole episode where they investigated the validity of the AQ test. I won't spoil the episode but I was inspired to try out the AQ myself.

I scored VERY high.

I tried ALL the tests they had at Embrace-Autism.com. I scored VERY high on ALL OF THEM.

I cannot express the feeling I had. Imagine your FAVORITE film/tv experience with the BIGGEST plot-twist that you NEVER saw coming - how you felt when you realized that EVERYTHING you'd seen prior to that had actually been something totally different the ENTIRE time. And you're sat there, everything floating like you stepped sideways into this new, crystalline reality. THAT is how I felt.

I've been diligently studying myself, my personality, WHY I am who I am, since 2010. And I've looked into personality, communication, and how people behave since well before that. I literally have a set of books that explain how to hold basic conversations with people. Because I genuinely didn't know. I have piles of books about existential concepts of "why _____?" because I never understood why ME compared to everyone ELSE. I have boxes of books that discuss personality: astrology, MBTI, Enneagram, Jungian Cognitive Function theory, etc. I have binders and journals crammed with charts I've made, theories of my own, and essays trying to justify my own personality when it never made ANY sense when compared to the "normal" world.

And here I had just discovered I'd missed an entire facet of human personality and experience: I'd missed neurodivergence.

You have to remember, I was born in the 80s. I was "gifted". I didn't 'act out'. Girls "couldn't have autism or adhd". Hell, most people couldn't untless they were really disruptive or "obvious". I also have a ridiculously lucky life in how I've managed to almost always be part of an unknowingly neurodivergent group so I have often been isolated from being "different". Looking at my life, all the hardest times have been when I didn't have my neurodivergent bubble of friends around me, validating my experience without me knowing it.

I have since spent a LOT of my free time studying autism, neurodivergence, and late-in-life diagnosis; the more I learn, the more I know this is me.

I do not (yet) have a formal diagnosis. I know some people are very militant about that. I am VERY aware of how tricky it is to be self-aware and detatched enough to see oneself without judgement and correctly understand facts about oneself. This is a HUGE thing in online personality theory communities. But there's also a point at which an outside person cannot know all of the intricacies of another, too. I've put in the work on myself for over two decades. I've researched this topic in-depth. I've met with autists both diagnosed and not and so far nothing and no-one is in disagreement with myself except for the occasional impostor syndrome flaring up.

I actually DO want an official diagnosis but I'm holding off for now for a few reasons. 1) there's no services for autistic adult diagnosis in my state, 2) there's a lot of political tension and misinformation in my country that could put me in difficult positions or even in danger if it gets worse, 3) If in the next few years I feel I need to flee my country, many other countries specifically will not allow in people with an autism diagnosis.

I'm VERY high-masking and I also happen to already have a lot of good coping skills for depression and anxiety. There are not really any resources I'd be gaining with an official diagnosis. But I'd have proof to fall back on because I'd invariably be questioned. I've long been the person who everyone thought was doing just fine because I'm so good at hiding how I'm really doing. People already don't believe me when I mention struggles with anxiety or depression – I highly doubt those same sorts would believe me about this. Not that I have to tell them; I just.... catastrophize human interactions.

[non-stick-raven]

Turns out it was Autism all along. (Part 1)

It's weird coming back to this account over 6 years later. Most of my mutuals have been gone for years as well. So much has happened since my last post – life-changing, paradigm-shifting stuff. I found myself in need of a not-so-awful place to doom-scroll; I'd already ditched all the other social media platforms but realized Reddit had become unhealthy. I still wanted to share things so I fired up my mainline Tumblr account and have been posting about my special interests.

And I felt like I ought to check in on this account. It was more of a main account to me than the other one for many years. Writing here and having a little community meant the world to me and helped me through the worst times. Though everyone is pretty much gone now, I thought I could at least drop in this little book-end for posterity. And maybe even come in and journal from time-to-time.

I'm not currently in therapy. My original, amazing therapist had to let me go. I saw a few other therapists but none of them worked out. I was doing fairly well and the things I wanted to work on were too... well, I didn't even know what it was but I knew it was there.

I LOVED the Covid-times. The isolation was great for me. I got a girlfriend during that time and then had a REALLY painful breakup that triggered a very difficult time. But I got better. I wasn't going to let it win.

I also got a new job. I'm full-time at a seasonal place doing graphic design & photography. I *am* the art department so I have a lot of control over everything. Plus I get to be outdoors a bunch and active still. And it's very close to home. I miss working in the middle of nowhere wilderness and I miss all the nature being IN MY FACE but it's overall better. I'm very. VERY. Slowly. Finding community.

My living situation isn't ideal but it's very affordable. A lot of my friends have moved away but I'm making some new friends from work.

Then a bit over a year ago I quite literally stumbled into autism.

And that changed EVERYTHING...

[non-stick-raven]

Three steps forward, two steps back. Five steps forward, three steps back.

On and on upward it has gone for years, putting in the hard work even when I didn’t want to. Weekly therapy. Weekly group therapy. Reading books, keeping journals, learning to combat negative self-talk, re-programming mistaken beliefs.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be imperfect. I’ll probably always need to be on medication - just a small amount, enough to make the low points manageable. Maybe if our society were different - more supportive - I wouldn’t need it but there’s no sense second guessing it. It seems to be helping and I’m more stable than I can ever remember being.

Sometimes those low points hit. I haven’t figured out any commonalities as to why they happen or when. I’m having one now. I am thinking, “Can anyone around me possibly know the sheer amount of silent strength it takes on a minute-by-minute, hourly, daily, weekly basis for me to simply appear ‘fine’?” Over all these years it has actually become easier, like I’ve been training for the Olympics when most people are just grumbling through a junior high gym class. And right now, today, when I just want to cry for no reason and the loneliness comes out of nowhere, I take the time no notice it. Not judge myself for it. “This is just one of those things my body goes through on occasion, like cramps or when my knees swell with pain when the rain comes. It just IS and it will pass.”

Maybe the bad day hit because I’m doing my usual summer job where I work 6 days a week for 4 solid months and I started out at a sprint, extroverting all over the place in order to lead the morale in a positive trajectory for the team. I’m a leader; people in my orbit don’t DO things unless I lead the group to do them. It’s draining for an introvert but I do it because I LIKE to do things with friends.

So here I lay on my bed and cry from the fatigue of it and I’m stunned to see the feat I’ve accomplished because 8 years ago I’d of called you a liar if you’d said I could do what I’ve been able to do this past year. I’m ‘doing the thing’; it’s so lonely having to be this strong and so tiring. I remember how this feels, to be IN this feeling. It’s nostalgic. And it’s okay. I guess that’s what compassion for myself looks like. Good job, me. Writing it out crystallizes it in reality. More recharge time tomorrow and it will be better after sleep. Thanks, tumblr.

[thelovejournals]

Soon you’ll realize that many people will love the idea of you but will lack the maturity to handle the reality of you.

Reyna Biddy (via thelovejournals)

[fyp-philosophy]

When someone tells you, ‘I love you,’ and then you feel, ‘Oh, I must be worthy after all,’ that’s an illusion. That’s not true. Or someone says, ‘I hate you,’ and you think, 'Oh, God, I knew it; I’m not very worthy,’ that’s not true either. Neither one of these thoughts hold any intrinsic reality. They are an overlay. When someone says, 'I love you,’ he is telling you about himself, not you. When someone says, 'I hate you,’ she is telling you about herself, not you. World views are self views—literally.

Adyashanti  (via fyp-philosophy)

[amatara]

I’m pretending all the time to be, kinder, stronger, funnier, more sociable than I am. I guess we’re all like that but it just feels so inadequate.

[animate-mush]

What’s the difference?

I know it sounds flippant but… certain things are fundamentally performative.  And other things are so close as makes no difference.

Kindness is performative.  Actions are kind, and people are kind by performing those actions.  You can’t “pretend” to be kinder than you are, you can only perform kindness or not perform kindness, and choosing to perform kindness is always worthwhile, no matter how much you may second-guess your motivations.

Strength is so many things.  It takes strength to pretend a strength you don’t feel.  And the way to achieve strength is to exercise it, so long as you do it in enough moderation to not strain or break anything.  Being able to affect strength when necessary while being able to put it down again when that in turn is necessary is healthy.  Everyone starts weight training with the littlest weights.  It’s not fake or pretending to do what you gotta do in any given situation.

Funniness lives in the interlocutor, not in the speaker.  It doesn’t matter how funny you think you are (or think you are pretending to be) - that’s not how it’s measured.  At what point are you “pretending” to be a musician if the music still gets made?  And often what it’s tempting to describe in first person as “pretending” is more accurately described in the third person as “practicing” - which is of course the way you cause things to Be.

Sociability is also performative.  Pretending to be sociable is just…being sociable, despite a disinclination towards it.  It’s making an effort towards something you value.  So long as the effort is not so great that it backfires into resentment, there’s no practical difference.  

Qualities or activities or whatever are no less worthy because you have to actively choose to perform them.  If anything, the worthiness lies in the act of choosing.  It’s not “pretending” - it’s agency.

tl;dr: ain’t nothing wrong with “fake it till you make it.”  A plastic spoon* holds just as much soup as a “real” one

* I keep wanting to talk about semantic domains!  Artifacts are defined by their utility, whereas living things are defined by their identity.  So plastic forks are still forks, but plastic flowers aren’t flowers.  So there’s two pep-talk messages to take away from this: (1) for certain things, the distinction between “fake” and “real” isn’t a relevant one so long as they still get the job done, and (2) the purpose of a living thing is to be the thing that it is.  The idea of a “useless person” is as semantically nonsensical as the idea of “pretend kindness” (or fake cutlery).

[pyrrhiccomedy]

I love this post. It illustrates what I think is maybe the key difference between a developing self-identity and a formed self-identity, which is, like…confidence? If you are BEING kind, consistently, if you are prioritizing that over your own comfort or fatigue or even, occasionally, your emotional inclination (because OH MY GOD FUCK THIS GUY, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE–uuughhh, but no, I’m not gonna lash out at him, that won’t accomplish anything, and besides, he’s probably had a bad day, he’s under a lot of stress, I don’t have to be an asshole about this…), guess what? That makes you kind. That is literally what kindness is. Same for patience, same for strength, same for all of this stuff. You got it. You’re doing it. You’re not faking anything. Stop second-guessing yourself and cutting yourself down. Give yourself enough credit to look at your actions and confidently assert to yourself that you are no longer just making things up as you go. 

[what-even-is-thiss]

Yesterday my dad told me something that I think maybe more people need to hear.

You’re allowed to just do things for fun.

He told me that in this modern society, especially the United States, we seem to have this attitude that we shouldn’t do something unless we’re aiming to be the best at it. If we can’t sing like Beyonce or Frank Sinatra or something there’s no point to singing. If we can’t make the next big breakthrough there’s no point in looking into mechanics and engineering.

But, he tells me, it took him a long time to figure out that life doesn’t have to be a race. If you want to take up the piano when you’re a teenager or later you’re not going to master it. You’re not going to be able to play to huge concert halls, but that also shouldn’t stop you. You can study a language out of curiosity and then drop the ball if you want. You can just get okay at something or even be terrible at it. You can drop it for days or years and then pick it up again and it doesn’t have to be a shameful thing.

I’m really glad he told me that because today I opened my sketchpad for the first time in months and just started drawing. And it looks terrible. But I don’t care. I don’t have the talent or patience or spacial awareness to get anywhere near good at drawing, but it’s fun. It helps me focus my mind and nobody has to see it.

And because of what he told me, I’m thinking maybe someday soon I will take up the bass guitar. And I won’t worry about how well I do, or how fast I learn, or that I haven’t played an instrument since sixth grade, or that I don’t have that much time to practice. I’m just gonna enjoy the experience. Maybe I’ll try swing dancing again and take a class because I’m not the best dancer but damn if it isn’t fun.

Yeah, you don’t have to be good at things. It’s not a requirement. Maybe that seems obvious but it had never occurred to me before. You’re allowed to just enjoy what you’re doing. For me, that feels like a life changing revelation. I don’t have to be good at something to like it. I don’t have to put 100% effort into everything I do. It’s kind of amazing.

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

HELLO TRANS FOLK!!!

YOU ARE AWESOME, LIKE A FUCKING ALLIGATOR ON SKIS MADE FROM FUCKING RAINBOWS OR SOME SHIT!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

[katimorton]

Can one be anxious and depressed or is it one or the other?

Yes people can be both anxious and depressed.. they can occur at different times or at the same time. When we feel both at the same time it can cause us to feel irritable, and angry. I would reach out to a mental health professional asap. xoxo

[non-stick-raven]

I concurrently struggled with BOTH MDD and GAD (Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder). It often felt very “chicken and egg” - which was causing which? At times I’ve felt just one or the other. Ultimately I think the anxiety informs most of how I feel, and when I am not dealing with it properly or I sublimate things, Depression can rear its head.

It has taken some time; a lot of therapy, group therapy for anxiety, self-care, and medication but I am doing a lot better. I rarely experience depressive episodes and I’m a lot better at managing my anxiety. It’s a lot of hard work and I have to stay vigilant but it can be done! Hang in there!

[biblefag-deactivated20231230]

i wonder if there is anyone too nervous to talk to me.

[non-stick-raven]

I’ve actually experienced this.

For part of my job, I do photography that is posted on the company FB page and elsewhere on the internet. Thousands of people follow and re-blog my photos and millions more see them via related sites (this still seems bizarre to me). I don’t personally interact with any of this; I just send my pics to our head office and they manage everything. It is very one-sided and strange; taking the photos is a personal thing I do alone and once they’re sent off, I don’t deal with them but millions of people end up seeing them.

It was a steady increase of people over years. At first, people who visited where I work would see my name tag and ask, “Oh, are you the one who takes the photos?” and it eventually turned into, “OHMYGOD, [non-stick-raven]! I LOVE your photos!”

But one year, one day when I was out of the office, some ladies came in wanting to meet me. Apparently one of them was incredibly nervous and almost hyperventilating. When I did meet her later, she was a nervous wreck but her friends helped her through.

By this point in my treatment, I was doing very well with my own anxiety and found the situation surreal. These people were nervous to meet ME. If only they knew! Hopefully I was able to put the ladies at ease, knowing what it is like to be on the other side.

[non-stick-raven]

I’m back again

Hey all,

In case someone missed it, I work in a remote location each summer for four months at a time. This was my 7th summer doing so. It’s so remote that there’s no cell service, no telephones, no power lines. We have satellite communications and radio and our electricity is created by diesel generators. Short story is there’s no easy way to be on Tumblr. ;)

This season was… rough, work-wise. The weather was mediocre but I had the BEST time doing photography this season. I wish I could share it here but the photography I do at work is internet-famous and I want my mental health stuff to be on the anonymous side. Needless to say, I took some great pics. But the work drama was hell. To the point that I don’t think I want to go back again next year, even though the location has been more my home than where I live the rest of the year. :(

Good news is my mental health didn’t suffer. I only had a couple minor panic attack moments but I handled them really well. I was pretty good at keeping any negative self-talk at bay.

Physical health is currently sucking. My back went out mid-August and it is causing me weird pain in other places. It hurts too badly to sit so I either have to stand or lay down. My arm is better than when I left but still stiff; I should probably get back into physical therapy. A couple days ago I slipped down some wooden stairs and messed things up more; it’s been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back in the healing game.

I’ve returned to therapy and joined the current anxiety Group that my T leads. I actually lay on my therapist’s couch now because of my back, lol. Which means she gets to sit in the armchair I am usually in, instead of her awful office chair.

I am currently living with my Aunt P, which is a huge risk for me, mental-health wise. I inadvertently learned a lot of bad mental health stuff - mistaken beliefs - via her. My dad’s house is next door and I can stay there, too, but my cat lives here and can’t be at my dad’s, and my step-mom is really noisy all the time. And my anxiety goes up when she and my dad bicker so I’ve ended up mostly at my aunt’s place, learning to read her better and maybe unlearn some things about myself.

That’s the nutshell of it.

[non-stick-raven]

How to Care for Your Introvert

Yep.

[non-stick-raven]

Why We Feel Lonely and Odd