Non Absentee Dad

A blog about growing a pair, manning up and being a dad. By a gentle parenting, real food loving, baby wearing dad.

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Do Nothing!


Never miss the opportunity to say nothing.

--unknown I sometimes say too much! I argue, explain and threaten when I should be quiet. I help and do when I should let be and let the [the kids] figure it out. There is a balance that needs to be struck. Somewhere between **helicopter parenting** and **permissive parenting**. It isn't, for me, a static balance but a daily recalibration and periodic reviews and change. Again:

Never miss the opportunity to say nothing!

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Stuff for a cold day. It was cold enough around these parts (9 deg. F) for this to work. So I went out and entertained the kids. Mine wasn't as epic but the kids were impressed.

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Some days I wonder how I survived to adulthood, with the shenanigans I pulled as a kid. Especially as I see my kid do the same and I have to fight the urge to throttle him.

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HodgePodge to the Theme of Schooling

Here is a list of cool things I've read thus far this week. [Homework: Help or Hassle](http://coopcatalyst.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/homework-help-or-hassle/) As someone who didn't like homework I was all for it being abolished. Paradoxically, I did best in those classes where I made an attempt to do homework. Here is a nice quote from the piece,

The core idea of homework is that it’s used to polish concepts and reinforce lessons outside of the classroom. It is what it has become — a way for teachers to teach less and cover more material — that is not useful. I don’t think that all of the fuss is positive; personally, I think lots of students just don’t want to do it. If used properly, the idea of working at home on a study topic can be very helpful.

[On my Kindle: Teach Your Own](http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Your-Own-John-Homeschooling/dp/0738206946) Here is a quote from the author

To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves...and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted. —John Holt

[Can Toddlers Really Read](http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/raising-readers-writers-and-spellers/201301/can-baby-toddler-readers-really-comprehend) I'm sure that my kid comprehends the words and stories she recognizes but it is not independent, pick up a random book and read and I believe the author of this piece misses that distinction. I wholeheartedly agree that we should start reading early and often to our kids, whether the learn to "read" or not.

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This should brighten your day.

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“Life is a child playing around your feet, a tool you hold firmly in your grip, a bench you sit down upon in the evening in your garden” – Jean Anouilh

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Taking it Personally

Do you take it personally when your children don't follow your instructions or otherwise misbehave? No? Then you are better than I. I take it personally if I say do x and they do y or simply don't do x. I take it personally if they refuse to eat the food we prepared. I take it personally and I fume and fuss, I yell and I'm not always on my best behavior. I'm not proud of it but it is part of being "woefully human." ##What to do? One route would be to try to understand why you're taking it personally and work on "fixing" that response. Here is what I've found, its hard/nigh impossible to not take it personally. I am deeply invested in this person and their well being, of course I am going to take it personally. What's a dad to do? I didn't try to change that I was taking it personally, rather I acknowledged that this feeling may be the driver of my behavior. From here I sought to modify my behavior, i.e the yelling, fussing and "bad behavior". ##Wrap up Feeling personally "attacked" by your kid is part of the human condition. You can't always stop the feeling of being attacked. You can change your response (behavior) to the feeling of being attacked. Changing feelings is harder than modifying behavior. [Photo Credit](http://www.flickr.com/photos/lorenabuena/)

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Sometimes when I speak to my kids I hear my dad. This isn't always a good thing, but it is humbling.

Me

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[Joanna Macy](http://www.joannamacy.net/) talks about uncertainty. We can't always be certain and the tendency is to make things very certain for our kids. A noble idea and overall very good but there is something to be gained by sometimes allowing them to struggle within that uncertainty. See more about not [letting a crisis go to waste](http://judytsafrirmd.com/a-crisis-is-a-terrible-thing-to-waste/).

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Giving your kids words

_This is a re-post of a post from v1 of this blog back in its wordpress.com days. Originally published: August 2009_ A while back we—my wife—had a doctor’s appointment and had told our two year old as much. Problem solved! When we got there he seemed happy and unconcerned. We went to the Radiology department, for a sonogram of my wife’s gallbladder, and she had to leave through the door that closed and we couldn’t follow. Problem not solved! I had forgotten a key concept in helping our children to deal with emotional situations. The concept of “Giving them Words.” Why is this necessary? This is necessary because we learn largely by example and our brains are pattern matching machines. In this specific instance my 2 year old needed help in understanding what was going on during this big event. Left to his own it was just as if mom had disappeared and wouldn't return while bad things happened to her. Not a comforting situation to a two year old. Now that I had been smacked in the head by the broken-hearted, banshee wail of my son, I got my act together quickly. I explained that mom was going to have a big camera—complete with appropriate hand gestures— placed on her belly and a picture taken. I assured him she was safe—a word he was previously introduced to—and repeated this a few times. Full meltdown averted. The idea of the camera stuck and it was all he could talk about, relaying it to mom when she returned. Why did this work? First off this would have worked better if before we got there I had explained the situation in the above terms. However, this worked because I used words/concepts my 2 year old understood e.g camera, safe. I used big expressive gestures to convey some emotionality similar in “bigness” to his emotional state. In the end this allowed him to come to his own, non-traumatic, understanding of “what happened to mommy.”

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The Three Questions

My best friend, since elementary school, recently welcomed his newborn twins and was ushered into the wonderful and scary world of fatherhood. This prompted reflection on my own baptism and wondered what I could offer him having travelled this road longer than he. Because he works as an Editor at a large newspaper I figured he'd appreciate me distilling my advice to the three essential questions our children look to us to answer. Indeed, these questions stay with us and we seek answers to them whether we are 3, 33 or 93. ##Am I loved?## This is question number one. Wrapped up in this question is also the matter of safety. So part B is, "Am I safe?" By design, humans need others in order to survive those first years. It is here through our care, our play and our provision that our children first experience our love for them. It is also at this point that they start to form an opinion on whether or not their world is a "safe" place. Comforting them when they cry, attending to their needs(it will be a while before they have "wants"), holding them close, providing boundaries etc. These acts lay the foundation of demonstrable love and safe-keeping. ##Am I capable?## When your infant just begins to be mobile they will tip over a table, chair or toy and look toward you with a proud look on their face. It is a look that says, "Do you see that daddy? Aren't I powerful?" That is the question we should first answer before we jump to correct or admonish them. As they grow we will have to provide them with opportunities to take risk, encourage their attempts and help them accept failure as part of package of becomming capable and knowing that they are capable beings. ##Am I worthy?## We need to give our children the understanding that their worth is bound up in who they are more than what they do. They are worthy because they are *Imago Dei*, bearers of the image of God. This will relate to how, when and for what we praise them. We should praise their effort primarily over the outcome. e.g "You worked really hard and you got an awesome result." At the heart of it our children don't require much from us. As fathers we simply need to show up and answer these three essential questions. I have no doubt my friend will be an awesome father, to him and all you new dads out there I say welcome and congratulations.

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Health News: Lead, Water and Inactivity

Lower Limits set for Lead Levels by CDC The CDC has updated its recommendations for lead levels at which Public health actions should be initiated. The level is down to 5 from the previous 10 micrograms/decilitre(µg/dL). Some of the symptoms are non-specific; behavior or attention problems, irritability, loss of previous developmental skills (in young children), low appetite and energy. However, the test is generally covered by insurance and it doesn't hurt to check(needle stick aside).

How Much Water (11 Glasses for me) While wars may have been waged for less and can get sometimes apocalyptic in arguments over how much water is needed. The correct answer is, "it depends". Climate, activity level and gender to name a few. A good way to ascertain your water needs is to hop on over to the Human Water Requirement Calculator. Oh before you go there, read this article over on Robbwolf.com

Inactivity worse than ciggarettes Less than 150 mins/wk of moderate physical activity—think brisk walking—accounted for 5.3 million deaths a year globally versus 5 million for ciggarettes. All of this to say instill healthy habits in your kids today, give them a love for play and movement and not lead sedentary lifestyles. Be the example

Links: CDC lead levels - http://www.cdc.gov/nceh/lead/

Lead Toxicity Symptoms - http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002473.htm

Getting Hydrated - http://robbwolf.com/2012/07/11/water-water-everywhere-need/

Water Needs Calculator - http://www.csgnetwork.com/humanh2owater.html

Inactivity Kills - http://www.medpagetoday.com/PrimaryCare/ExerciseFitness/33793

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#Rub Some Bacon on it# Nothing else needs to be said.

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This is how I school

##**Why?** > Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. It may not be difficult to store up in the mind a vast quantity of facts within a comparatively short time, but the ability to form judgments requires the severe discipline of hard work and the tempering heat of experience and maturity. Calvin Coolidge ##**How?** Library, Google etc. Or as [Ray Bradbury put it](http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/6012/the-art-of-fiction-no-203-ray-bradbury "Ray's Paris Review Interview"). > “I discovered that the library is the real school” ##**Crazy, Fringe?** Here is a book on my reading list but I find resonance with what the author says.

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Great Mis-Understanding(s)

 Recently on [Shellbystar.com](http://www.shelbystar.com/news/reader-64861-establishes-unless.html) John Rosemond participated in a grave conflation of ideas. He gave voice to the mis-understanding that "Seeking to understand your children is permissive" Or as he put it > my experience leads me to believe that talk and under-standing would have made the problem worse, not better. Intent aside, that approach might well have conveyed to the boy that he had a valid reason for throwing tantrums. I want to be clear. Having a valid reason to be upset doesn't equal behaving poorly. I may have all the right reasons to be upset with my wife it doesn't give me the right to call her names. In this case the woman's son may have a valid reason for being upset around school time and it doesn't mean he gets to throw a tantrum. The tantrum is a more often than not a symptom not root problem. Seeking to understand the reason for the tantrum does not equate to accepting the tantrum if you have a problem with tantrums. Your child is allowed to have valid feelings that span a vast spectrum. Part of the parent's job is to model appropriate behaviors for that feeling. Validating the reason does not equal validating the behavior. Developmentally, your kindergarten age kid is still more likely to throw a tantrum than be able to explain in bulletpoint the genesis and possible solution to their problem(s). That means that it will suck sometimes, but you're the adult dealing with the child and you have to meet them where they are not the other way. As the grow older and as you model and remind them—yes for the thousandth time)—appropriate behavior they will learn. Growing is a process. ##**Stones and Glass Houses**## I don't fault the mother is this article. I don't know her situation. There are days when I want a particular behavior to stop and I don't care about the reason for the behavior. Sometimes I yell at my kids and that stops the behavior. I will not, however, recommend that dad's yell at their kids because it stops children misbehaving, doesn't physically harm them and they are certainly happier for not misbehaving. Understanding your children does not equal being permissive.

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Brain Health - Increased Efficiency, Less Anxiety...

 My general philosophy on medical interventions is to use conventional approaches for Acute symptoms and more Alternative interventions for Chronic situations. Since ADD/ADHD and other hyperactivity related issues are generally Chronic I tend to prefer non-pharmaceutical approaches. So diet, exercise, etc. With that in mind here are some news stories related to hyperactivity "dis-orders". ##**Mindfulness Meditation: Less anxiety and structural brain efficiency.**## [Researcher have found](http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/246444.php) that Integrative-Body-Mind-Training, IBMT, a form of Mindfullness Meditation led to improved mood changes and increased Axonal Density — geek speak for *more connections and greater efficiency* ##**Exercise has varying usefullness for ADD/ADHD**## [Researchers at Dartmouth's Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences,](http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/245751.php) have found that while exercise is generally good for brain health some of the benefits on learning weren't readily available based on age,sex and genotype (presence of appropriate gene(s)). Generally older persons and males didn't reap as much benefits. This quote from study author David Bucci sums up nicely the current state of reasearch > saying 'exercise is good for health', including mental health is hardly surprising. The interesting question in terms of mental health and cognitive function is how exercise affects mental function and the brain. ##**Swaping Antibioctics for ADD Medicine**## Here is an interesting statistic, between [2002 and 2010 FDA reasearchers found](http://fox13now.com/2012/06/18/kids-taking-fewer-antibiotics-more-adhd-meds/) that anti=biotic prescriptions for children and adolescents went down 14% but in the same time prescriptions for ADD/ADHD drugs were up 50%. While I'm happy to see wanton antibiotic use decline I still worry that the increase in ADD/ADHD drug use is part of a mad rush to medicate what may be better treated by other means.

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Unsucking Father's Day Gifts

Every year dad's get the short end of the stick, ties, wallets, socks etc are all given a gifts. Gifts that would not pass muster with moms. Every year dads smile and say "Thanks." Rather than try to change inclinations here are some exciting variations of the standard fare. ##Manly Man Toothbrush## [The Kent company](http://kentbrushes.com/ "Kent Brush Company") makes fine toothbrushes some of which are hand made. Even if the idea of a hand made tootbrush seems to much for your dad they offer a mass produced toothbrush made of badger hair, yes badger.  ##Badass Wallet## I know and you know that your dad is bravest, coolest, toughest hombre around (even if just for today, play along). As such he deserves the an appropriate wallet. The folks at [RaggedEdgeGear](http://www.etsy.com/shop/RAGGEDedgeGear?ref=seller_info "Company's Etsy Store") make many wonderful items but I love my carbon fiber and kevlar wallet.  ##World's Most Interesting Dad## Your dad always has a good story to tell and people find him interesting even down to the socks on his feet. When choosing socks for dad look into alternative fabrics. Alternative? How about [bamboo](http://www.bambooclothes.com/clothes/S.html "Bamboo Clothes .com") or [recycled pop bottles](http://www.foxsox.com/defaultEcomm.aspx "Fox River Socks company").  Happy Father's Day to All!!