[noneofthatshi]

Richie looks at him. Eyes vacant. Bags pronounced under his eyes. His shoulders heavy. He looks tired. Drained. Light flickers. Blue raindrops. Another flicker and he sighs. Straightens before walking closer to Carmy. Shoulders hunched into him— covering him with his frame. Light finger brushes his under eye. Heavy hand drops on his shoulder. “Yer a fuckin’ dick cousin, but I can’t be here. What the fuck are you not gettin’?”

Carmy smacks his hand away. Brows furrowed. Tense. “Fucks that mean, asshole? What the fuck am I not getting? Huh?”

Tremor. Slight hitch. Hand shakes. A glitch in the matrix. Eyes widen a little. Surprise. Narrow. There is a question there. He holds back another sigh and shakes his head. “Forget it— forget i fucking said anythin’, yeah? You’re fucking impossible— absolutely impossible— fuck.”

[noneofthatshi]

You are alright, darling child

You are in pain and you are frightened,

But you have always been in pain,

And fear has been a lifelong soulmate,

You will be fine,

It is nothing new. Nothing of note.

Breathe and step one shaking leg in front of the other.

It will be alright. Soon, you will be dead and then you’ll finally get to rest.

[noneofthatshi]

Fenrir, oh feared wolf,

Suspecting deceit, so brave,

Demanding a sign of goodwill,

Bound for things beyond your control,

A wolf of immense power, so trusting,

They bound your claws and fur in chains,

To be bound for an eternity,

Until a foretold moment is to come,

A foretold moment, a fate sealed,

Oh Fenrir, the son of Loki,

A father hated, a trickster,

Your fate sealed the day you were born,

They test your strength,

They bound your teeth,

You sit for an eternity,

Never to feel the freedom of wolves,

The wind upon your skin,

Foretold to end Odin, and bring upon the end,

Oh Fenrir, what would you have done,

If you were given freedom?

Allowed to roam the earths, free, unbound,

Oh Fenrir, brave little wolf,

Made demon,

Foretold…

Who tells the story…

Oh Fenrir, they robbed you of your freedom,

And called themselves saviors,

While you sat bound for an eternity,

For something yet to come,

Oh Fenrir.

Do you mourn your freedom?

The betrayal?

Fenrir, is it cold, where you are?

Do you feel alone and scared?

Oh Fenrir.

You exist in me.

A making of my own doom.

[noneofthatshi]

My ability to speak,

Transcending cultures,

I don a mask and walk forward,

Toward my doom, a noose around my neck,

Words escape me,

When I need them most,

How do I ask— what I wish to ask?

When I do not know, what it is I wish to know,

All I have ever known is fear,

A silence from god,

Abandonment from my father,

Pain, from my mother,

I speak so many languages but the robe is tight,

And it burns so.

I cannot breathe.

Again, i return to the fear of myself.

[noneofthatshi]

I sit and make merry with my rapist,

A violation on my body never worse,

My mother a puppeteer,

(An unwilling accomplice, a knowing knife)

I sit and smile with my teeth closed,

I… sit and make merry

With my killer

[noneofthatshi]

My head ails,

A scream lodges inside,

I burn and burn and burn,

In the depths of hell, of a god whose mercy I was meant to know but never met,

A door slammed in my face, a mother turned away,

A father a whisper,

I was to be light and love,

All I know is the humidity of my skin,

The blood in my veins, and the breath I fear,

“God loves you. But not enough to save you.”

A line i think of all the time,

Is it a kindness? To rot and be given the keys to your ruin,

Is it a mercy? Is it a choice i made?

I fear I have been tired since I was born.

All I long for is stillness.

[noneofthatshi]

My laughter of merriment,

Loud and soulless,

A mask to wear,

Donned as but a child,

Forever etched into the marrow of my bones,

What have I done so wrong?

To suffer by my own hand?

When all I have wished, is to sit by the sea, my eyes tired and loving,

A person, unknown to me, accepting me with love,

As I sit, free from myself, and all my fears,

And the chains that wind around my ribs and pierce my heart,

I am Fenrir.

A myth so real to me.

A piece of me made myth.

[noneofthatshi]

I fear my breath,

And my life,

I fear my soul,

And god,

I fear my mother,

And I fear my father,

When will I know kindness?

[noneofthatshi]

To begin is to end.

I am but an obnoxious child,

Fearing my fathers hand and shying from my mothers embrace,

An embrace made of thorns,

My blood, oh, how it shines her so

[noneofthatshi]

The breeze flows free. Untethered just like her.

She smiles at him and her face is so close. She’s so extraordinarily beautiful. ‘Idiot,’ she mutters affectionately and his lips find hers.

His tongue lays over hers and he tries to swallow her.

She touches soft, touches him like she loves him.

Like she’s ever been capable of love and he forces his heart to calm. Forces himself to breathe her in and not chain himself further.

His heart burns and ignites and he could recite poems. An orphaned boy, now an unclaimed man and his heart has belonged to her since she killed a man in cold blood for him.

His cock firmly lodged in his young body and his blood splattered over his face and in his mouth.

Slumped dead over him.

Followed her like a lost puppy and she’d taken to him, kinder than she wishes but ruthless. Donned a cowboy hat and cut her hair short. Never spoke in front of anyone but him.

They are but two men with a history to everyone.

She is everything to him.

He is nothing but an available fuck to her.

She despises men and her anger knows no bounds.

I love you escaped him, and the birds were chirping but she’d looked at him. Cold. Disgusted.

She hasn’t deigned to answer him. Went back to her beans.

He buried his nose inside her vagina and breathes her in. Runs his tongue along her folds and hums inside her. He buries his cock inside her and she doesn’t make eye contact. Moves her pelvis back and forth, moans so prettily but she doesn’t kiss him again. Turns away when he leans in and the night sky stretches over them.

He falls on top of her and she laughs, bites his ear and tells him to get his heavy ass off her.

This is all he’ll ever get.

This is all he’ll ever have.

He gets on his back and sleeps with his cock out. Warm yet so alone.

She’s still humming when he loses consciousness.

[noneofthatshi]

Gods & Monsters

The motel sign flickers in and out, buzzing like a dying firefly. She stands beneath it, wrapped in the heavy air of gasoline and cheap cologne, waiting for a man she already knows will ruin her. He always does.

They always do.

He rolls up in a car that smells like cigarettes and broken dreams, and she slides into the passenger seat without a word. His hands are warm when they touch her thigh, but there’s no comfort in them— just possession.

She used to believe in love, but now she only believes in momentum. She has to keep moving, keep chasing, keep losing herself in someone else before she has time to feel the weight of her own emptiness.

“In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel,” she mutters under her breath, watching the city lights smear into neon ghosts against the windshield.

She remembers a time when she was something pure, before she learned that purity is a liability. That the men with the sharpest teeth always go for the softest throats.

He turns to her with that lazy smirk, the one that says he knows he doesn’t have to try. She’s already his, just like she was his last time, just like she will be his until she gets bored or he decides she isn’t interesting anymore.

“You say something?”

She shakes her head. She doesn’t say what she’s thinking. That she wants him to wreck her. That she doesn’t want love— just the illusion of it, just for tonight. That she likes the way he looks at her like she’s a game he’s already won.

She’s an angel, or maybe a ghost. And she’s already disappearing.

[noneofthatshi]

They’re in each other faces again, voices raised and tension abound. Everyone is uncomfortable and keeping away. They’re in the middle of rush hour. They can’t do this right now. 

Carmy is livid, “DO YOU FUCKING JOB, CUZ! YOU’RE BEING A NUISANCE AND WE DON’T GOT TIME FOR THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!”

“Fuck you! You think we're your goddamn puppets, Carmy? Newsflash— you don’t pull our strings, asshole! You can’t just order us to act however you want!”

“Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!” 

They're both bleeding raw and their voices echo within the restaurant, souring everyone’s mood beyond normal. Richie’s throwing something and Carmy flings back, terror running through his veins and waiting for the perceived pain. A rag falls over his eyes and slides to the floor. It’s drop dead quiet and he feels the ground growing under him, ready to swallow him whole. The sounds of the kitchen quiet and his panting tremendously loud in the space. 

His eyes peel back from the rag and land on Richie’s eyes. Angry, hollow, disgusted, disappointed, betrayed eyes. Crinkling at the corners in disgust. 

“…What the fuck is wrong with you?”

And he promptly empties his stomach right there.