A few years ago I saw a broken but cool umbrella on the side of the road. (The Welsh climate kills tens of thousands of umbrellas every month, it's very sad.) Someone had hand-stamped yellow bees onto a black umbrella and it looked badass. I rescued it with the intent to turn it into something cool, and recently I got around to it and succeeded:
It's a super-lightweight, fast-drying, very strong shopping bag. Umbrella fabric is perfect for this. The only part that didn't get used is the very tip of the umbrella, and there was enough fabric for TWO bags.
It was pretty easy and fun, so here I am to show you how I did it.
You will need:
Sewing machine (though you could do it by hand)
Broken umbrella with intact fabric
Stitch ripper, or tiny scissors, or big scissors and good fine motor control
Reel thread and bobbin thread that you think looks nice with the umbrella fabric
Pins
Set square
Tailor's chalk
Wide drawstring band type stuff for handles - about a metre? (Or you can make something from random fabric in your stash.)
Scissors
The chalk and ruler and stuff are pretty optional if you are happy to just eyeball it and hope for the best.
How to do it:
The bag bit
Remove the fabric from the umbrella frame. Take your stitch ripper or scissors and very carefully snip the stitches at the point of each umbrella spoke. You will then find that there is probably another set of stitches around halfway up each spoke, so cut those too. Then cut the fabric around the tip of the umbrella, because it's probably attached very securely.
Then fling the umbrella frame into a bin and never think about it again, or turn it into a cool spider sculpture.
Carefully remove the velcro fastening strap. We will need it later, so keep it all in one piece - use the stitch ripper or tiny scissors.
Cut the umbrella fabric in half. The umbrella will have an even number of segments, probably eight. It's tempting to cut it along a seam, but if it has eight segments it'll work better if you cut it along the middle of the opposite panels, like so:
Fold your semi-circle in half with the seams on the outside (right sides together), like this:
Roll-and-pin and sew the open side - this one:
Trim the bottom off. How much you trim off will depend on how big your starting umbrella is and what shape you want your bag to be, but maybe 10cm or so?
Make a mark about 10cm from the bottom along one of the pre-existing seams.
Use a ruler (or a piece of string or whatever) to measure the distance along the pre-existing seam from the top corner to the mark.
Measure the same distance along the other seam from the other top corner, make another chalk mark.
Draw a line across the whole width of the quarter with the ruler, joining the marks. This should make the chalk line parallel with the top flat edge.
Make another line about 2cm below it, and then cut along the bottom line.
Then roll-and-pin and sew along the remaining chalk line.
Sew the side seams. Mark them on using the set square and the chalk, and then pin them and sew. Make the sides square with the top edge.
These triangles on the sides are going to become inside pockets, so also sew a square line along the bottom. That'll stop tiny things from getting stuck in the point of the triangle.
Sew the top edge of one pocket to the side of the bag. The bag is inside out at this point, so when you sew the pocket to the "outside" (wrong side) it'll end up inside the bag when you turn it right-side-out at the end.
I recommend pins for positioning the pocket. The stitches will show on the outside of the bag, so bear this in mind when choosing your thread. Try and keep everything nice and flat so there's no bunching; the triangle should fold over exactly on the vertical stitches along the side and then the pocket should lay flat against the side of the bag. Be careful to only sew through one side of the bag, and only through the adjacent side of the pocket.
Flip the bag over, and do the same on the other side.
The top left and right corners can be pretty weak because the ends of several seams meet there, so...
Roll the top over outwards and hem. That's wrong-sides-together.
That's the bag part finished!
Handles
Grab your wide drawstring fabric tape stuff. (Or, cut a really long rectangle 6-8cm wide, sew along the long open edge so it makes a tube that is open at both ends, and then turn the whole tube inside out so that the seam is on the inside.)
Choose how long your handles will be. This is a very personal choice. Do you want to carry it on your shoulder, or in your hand?
Or... both, like this Ikea bag??
It can help to pin them onto the bag to get a feel for what it'd be like to hold. Here's what we're approximately going for, with your bag inside out:
Add 3cm to the length of one handle, cut it, and then cut the second to match the length before you sew anything on.
The extra 3cm is because you're going to fold over 1.5cm at each end when you attach it, to stop it unravelling.
Pin one end of one handle. The bag should still be inside out, i.e. the "wrong side" is still facing outwards. First fold 1.5cm at the end of your handle, and then attach it about a third of the way along one side of the bag, on the wrong side. The 1.5cm flap should be tucked underneath itself, between the handle and the bag.
I often have to use two pins to keep the handle really square with the top edge.
Measure how far it is from the side seam, and pin the other end of the handle the same distance from the other side seam, being careful not to twist the tape.
Sew the handle to the bag. Start with a square, remove the pins without lifting the sewing machine foot or breaking the thread, and then sew a cross through the middle of the square. Sew over some stitches you've already done and then reverse over them, to make it really secure.
See how sewing the handle down secures and tightens the loose woven ends of the handle stuff:
Do the same on the other side of the bag with the other handle tape.
Fastening
Turn your bag right-side-out. Lay it flat and then fold it up the way you kind of instinctively want to when you're trying to pack it away really small.
Grab your little velcro fastening strap from earlier and play around to find a good place to put it. The back of the soft side of the velcro will get sewn onto the bag.
Grab your tailor's chalk and draw an arrow where the stitched-down end of the velcro is going to go, with the arrow pointing in the direction that the tape will be lying when you unfold it.
Flatten out your bag again, and pin the back of the soft end of the fastening strap down onto your arrow, with the flappy end lying in the direction of the arrow. Again, you may need to use two pins to keep it square. Make sure you only put the pins through one layer of bag fabric.
Use the same technique as you used with the handles to sew the fastening strap down.
YOU ARE NOW DONE.
Lay it down and roll it up and fasten it a few times and bask in smugness. You earned that dopamine, and you should enjoy it. Fill it with tins to test the strength and marvel at your handiwork.
You can also make a second bag with the other half of umbrella, if you're into that. It will be exactly the same, but without the little velcro fastening strap.
When I'm in the office with the normies and everyone's talking about what TV they've enjoyed watching lately and I have to decide whether to share that I've just finished The Game Grumps' long play of Danganronpa or lie.
Whenever I'm having a depressive episode and just lying on the floor unable to find the will to get back up, I like to imagine Lt. Kim Kitsuragi is stood next to me patiently waiting for me to get over it so we can continue with the investigation.
just started the X-Files after years of Pop Culture osmosis, parody, references and memes
But holy shit did none of you prepare me for the pathetic wet cat rizz of Fox Mulder. Puppy dog eyes every other scene. He loses every stand off with every other government agent, military op, co-worker he bumps into. Sassy little quips in between getting his ass kicked and the puppy dog eyes. he's deeply traumatized. he has no social life. he never knows whats going on. he's one of the smartest people in any room he's in and knows more than most what's going on.
This guy is just sopping wet vibes, desperate need to believe, and love for Scully. Character of all time.
Obsessed with the x files episodes where like someone will go missing and they’ll go to the victim’s last known location and see like a normal ant crawling around and mulder will go “I think the victim was kidnapped by two hundred ants disguised as a human being who took the victim because they need to digest organic matter in order to have the strength to build a giant anthill” and scully will go “that’s insane” but mulder will literally be right beat for beat
Me: I love it when the two main characters form a beautiful platonic relationship and care deeply for one another, proving that romantic/sexual relationships don't always have to be the endgame for every story.
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