No One Heard My Screams

My story begins at age 3 when my parents divorced. From there things started to go downhill. By age 6 both parents had remarried and my mom married a drunk who abused her all the time. (Thankfully, he is a recovered alcoholic now and is turning his life around.) Around age 10, the sexual abuse began. A 40-year-old man who happened to be a serial killer/rapist and knew exactly what to do to make me hurt the most, often babysat me. I became pregnant twice while he was around. The first time I was given an abortion pill, which caused me to miscarry the little girl I named Avery Blossom. The second time, he skipped town soon after he found I was pregnant in the hopes he would give me “something to remember him by”. When I miscarried them at age 13 I found out that I had triplets. One of them was alive…a little girl… and she died in my arms that day in February. I named her Icelyn Frost and the other two Clark Bennett and Maci Rian. Within the year, I was molested by two more men. I also have fuzzy memories of being forced into prostitution, being raped on the street by some guys I went to high school with, and having another child named Zara Rose. I also made the mistake of giving myself away to a number of guys because I felt like it would make the pain stop. Sex was like a type of medicine to me for a while. At one point I sent a nude to my best guy friend and it got passed around the entire school. After that, I lost it. I tried and failed 3 suicide attempts in one week. That Mother's Day...was the day I began cutting. In 3 days I cut 38 times on my left thigh. Luckily I had some pretty great people in my life to help me stop, and I haven't cut since. I am a survivor. I won. And you're going to win too. This blog is for the misunderstood, the broken, the dying, the medicated, the messes, the lost and confused. It's time for the ones who screamed and cried at the top of their lungs....to finally be heard. Let's make a difference. You and me. Together. We'll just take it a day at a time and see where it goes...okay?

[nooneheardmyscreams]

I just had a conversation with a friend in another state who is super lonely right now. She told me how mad she is that no one has reached out to her, because, to her, it’s so obvious that she needs people in her life and they should know that. I told her how much I understood, but that as hard as it is sometimes we have to be the people who reach out for ourselves. It’s not easy or fair being “the nice one” when you are in need. There are many people in this world who are good at being the unexpected change, I promise you that. But if you can’t find any right now, you have to get up and do it yourself. It doesn’t always feel right or good. But it’s what makes the world a better place. And it makes YOU a better person. Xoxo, Cindy 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

This makes me think of the curvy roads leading up the the top of a mountain. They are terrifying. With every single turn you get farther and farther from the ground. The thought of getting too close to the edge and tumbling off is a rational fear. But after the curves and the bumps of the road are over, you’re standing at the top with this breathtaking view. The roads of the mountain compare to the struggles of our life. We might get scared to keep going for fear of failing or for fear of where the road may lead. But we can take comfort knowing the road is leading somewhere wonderful. Once you get to where you’re going, you’ll be on top of the world. You’ll remember how you got there and suddenly all the struggles and challenges of life make sense. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. Don’t let a curve life throws at you be the dead end of your road. Keep pushing forward. You won’t want to miss the beautiful sight to come. 💜 -Liv

[nooneheardmyscreams]

As a dancer I always felt that I needed to compare myself to others. If everyone else did something amazing and I messed up I was so hard on myself, this quote has always been so beautiful because it doesn’t matter how you fell, what matters is how you get up from your fall. No one needs to know this wasn’t planned, if you are able to keep going, don’t give up. Your dance needs to be seen, your life doesn’t stop here, a stumble isn’t an ending if you pick yourself up. -Hasting 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Let me tell you. Since I was 11 years old, I've felt alone in life. I moved from my home and had lost my best friends, the people I'd been raised around. I had no one who could comfort me or make me feel like I was okay. So since that time, I became the person who sat at the computer for hours listening to music, playing mmo’s, chatting with strangers. I was on MySpace, myyearbook, deviantart, YouTube, and when the time came I was one facebook and in high school, tumblr. I found my life being online with these strangers and felt the rest of the world didn't want or care about me anyway so who cares? Music, poems, books, art; they saved me when I felt the most alone because my voice was never heard, my feelings never understood. But these medias, they could say what I wasn't able to. And I think that is so important for anyone to have because knowing someone else had to feel this way to put it out there in the world means you aren't the only one of your kind. I had a life outside of the computer but it took a while before I felt there was anyone in my reality who understood me. To this day I still find it much easier to read quotes and listen to music when I need something to voice what I feel and want to say. There's nothing wrong with needing that help. I'll say this though, while you may cling to these things for the guidance and reassurance you need or to give your heart a voice, it cannot become a barrier between you and the world. There will be people who understand and relate to you as I do. There will be those who love you and want to understand you. You can use it as a positive crutch to hold you up as you walk, but don't let it become the wheelchair that confines you to the bubble you created. -Lanie 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

I have always struggled with what people think of me. There was once a rumor going around that I was pregnant in high school and I was going to be a lowlife addict with multiple baby daddies and that totally tore me apart. Not because I think badly of people who have kids in high school but because I was from a family of people who had kids before they graduated, dropped out and never did much with their life after that. I was determined to not be that girl. So when I heard that people thought that, I was devastated. I went overboard pretty much on every achievement I made to make sure people knew, hey I got another award/medal/whatever. I was being successful! But if you’ve read my other posts, you know I wasn’t actually succeeding. I was suffering from eating disorders, self-harm, and some drug use. As I’m getting better, I realize that I can pretend to be anything for anyone but that doesn’t make me it. I stopped trying to show everyone how well I’m doing and just let them assume- good or bad. Their opinion of me doesn’t make me who I am. I am who I am because of the things I have went through, the things I have overcome and no one can take that away from me. 💜 -Liv

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Have you guys ever taken that Meyers-Briggs Personality Quiz? Well, in my profile it states that I don’t excel at leadership, and after my last job ended so poorly I know that to be true. Problem is, I have always had this weird obsession with being a leader and have always wanted people to look up to me. A friend gave me some amazing advice, though. She said that just because I may not naturally excel at leadership doesn’t mean I can’t get better. My personality type can/will change over time as I grow. Anyway, my point is to encourage you not to put yourself in a box. You are full of potential and new beginnings. Don’t ruin your fresh start every day by telling yourself you can’t be different or better. You are an amazing adaptable human being who can accomplish great things. Xoxo, Cindy 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

If I didn’t have this quote recently I would be feeling quite worthless, yet I love the words that Lady Gaga say and how supportive she is, we all need to remember to love one another and be supportive, you never know the battles someone is fighting and they could be on the end of their string. Never be afraid to lend out a hand and help pull someone back up. Others need you just like you may need them. It’s easy to forget with all the technology, people are great at hiding how they are feeling. It’s okay to be who you are. This is who you’re meant to be. Take one step back, two steps forward. Be a brave beautiful soul that is confident in whatever they are. The opinions of others are just words, they my hurt I know, and that is okay. You can get back up! You are you! You are here and you can get through whatever is holding you back, “‘cause baby you were born this way”! -Hasting 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Things like diet, psychotherapy, relationships, recovery, take time to make progress. The hardest part is sticking to it and not giving up even if you don't see the changes right away. We want that immediate gratification as most people do, but that will get you nowhere but sitting around not doing anything. Personally, I only do things if they are quick to show progress. If nothing changes in a couple days, then I question why I even bother. I get doubtful, anxious, and tired of trying if there is nothing to motivate me to keep going. I'm in no way saying this is okay, in fact, I am wrong in living my life this way. School went out the window, I don't have a job, I don't have friends. But you know one thing have never given up on nor will ever is my son. If there was ever a motivation I needed to keep going every single day, it's knowing my son's life is in my hands. He keeps me going. We all need something that motivates us to do better every day so we can keep going when things are hard. Find yours. One day at a time, as long as it takes, you will get better. You will get your dream job, you will get your health back, you will get you life together. We are social creatures and majority of the time having that support behind you can make all the difference. Whether your motivation is another person, yourself, or something entirely different, just find that motivational key. We all have one. You are capable of anything as long as you don't stop trying. I'm proud of your for making it this far 💜 -Lanie

[nooneheardmyscreams]

People can have all types of expectations for you. Are you the child of a rich attorney? You’re expected to be stylish, smart, going to a private school, etc. Are you the orphan? You’re expected to be troubled, to barely make it by, not amount to much. Are you abused? You’re expected to grow up to be an abuser or to only like people who abuse you because that’s all you know. No. You don’t have to live up (or down) to any of those expectations. People can think what they want, it doesn’t make it the truth. We can set our own expectations for ourselves and the only thing that matters is how we reach them. I love not being the person people thought I’d be. I’m smart, I’m outgoing, I’m generous. You are not other people’s expectations of you. You are better. 💜 -Liv

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Today I’m getting an old taste. I’ve been “good” for a long time in my recovery. I write many times from the perspective of someone who has seen the light, so to speak. Today that is not the case. I don’t know how I’m going to make it out of this one or if things are ever going to get better. I’m distracted and I can’t get the work done that is needed to accomplish my goals today because of what is happening in my life. I’m surrounded by all these Facebook posts telling me to “take time for self care” and “treat yourself today”. I don’t have any flipping time to do that, people!! All I have is this wall in front of me that is taking up my life. It’s funny, though, because even in the midst of this I can still hear that quiet, small voice telling me that things DO get better and I just have to take one step at a time. That is the Rock on which I stand, and I know it will not fail. Xoxo, Cindy 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

I have often put so much trust into others that I’ve lost sight of who I am. I’ve felt like jelly because my life is in someone else’s hands and I can’t control that. My backbone is something I’m still searching for, still trying to figure out exactly who I am. I HAVE TO remember that a wishbone is not all a great thing, if you end up with the small side, your wish doesn’t come true. By putting your trust in your back, if you end up with the short end you could lose who you are. Like me, and I’ve realized that is okay, as long as I keep going I WILL be okay. Wishing on a star is much less harmless than wishing on others. You are in charge of the outcome! You can be the start of your new self, create your new backbone and stand up for yourself, the world is what you make it. -Hasting 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

This is a hard one for me. I’m pretty lazy when it comes to actually putting effort into accomplishing my goals. I get frustrated when I hit bumps and I want to give up. But then my grass dies, and it’s brown and I’m sad. I want someone else (usually my husband or my mom, lol) to fix all my problems. But I have to take responsibility for my own grass. Others can help, but ultimately it is my job to make a better life and achieve my goals. It is my load to get help for my bad habits, to keep myself healthy, and to surround myself with good people. It’s not an easy job, in fact it’s one that is 24/7. But when I take a break and start to see the grass becoming green, it’ll be worth it. 💜 Xoxo, Cindy

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Going through struggle after struggle after struggle can wear your mind and body to the bone. Right now, personally, I am in a state of feeling very upset and disappointed and I just want to lay here in bed for the rest of my life. But you know what, I'll get up tomorrow and I'll take care of my son and I'll make food, clean, play. Whatever I have to do. Because struggling isn't just a bad thing, it also makes you stronger to get up and keep going because one day you can say “I've been through worse, this is nothing.” Getting back up doesn't seem like such a chore anymore since I know what being six feet under really feels like. I can do it. You can do it. We all can do it. Believe in your strength because it is there, and only you can draw that strength to the surface and fight another day. -Lanie 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Have you ever wondered why you were placed in a certain moment? Whether you believe in God, a god, some other type of higher being, or nothing, have you ever wondered your purpose for going through a situation? I’ve questioned often “why?” Why is it that I have been roughed up by life and some just breeze by without a care? I like to think that it’s because I am strong enough move the mountain others couldn’t pass. I was strong enough to overcome my mind. I was strong enough to weather the abuse. Many of you are just like me. We have faced difficulty after difficulty and for what? We may never know. But we do know that there are others weaker than we are. If you can’t be strong for yourself, you can be strong for them. You might be facing a mountain, but you have the strength to move it. 💜 -Liv

[nooneheardmyscreams]

Do it. Just do it. What you’ve been dreaming of. Do it. “But what if I fail?” What if you don’t? Let the hope of your dreams dig you out of the dark because hope has the power to do that. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it works because it saved me. Make a drastic life change and let it change who you are. Do it. Just do it. Xoxo, Cindy 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

My dears, I struggle with my self esteem. This is strange, especially to me, because I am a slender girl with a brilliant mind and a beautiful face. But it’s so hard for me to admit that to myself. Probably some bullshit about humility that I over-internalized at a young age. Whatever. The most difficult thing that I struggle with is my body image. I’m really insecure about how skinny I am. I’m about 5’6 and barely 110 pounds. I can count my ribs and see my hip bones, and that didn’t use to bother me. A few weeks ago I found stretch marks all around my hips and thighs, and I was so excited. It’s proof that I’ve grown since seventh grade, and I love them. But the very next week, I woke up and saw the shape of my pelvis as I lay down on my bed. I saw the shape of my rib cage, and I felt like a skeleton. This isn’t the first time that i’ve noticed how underweight I am, nor is this the first time I’ve felt insecure about it. I wrote an entire slam poem about this topic the first time this really happened. But this day was different. For the first time in my life, I felt ugly. Who could ever love those bones? And my dears, the only person who NEEDS to love my bones is ME. This body may not be my favorite, but it’s mine. As difficult as it will be, I am going to learn how to love myself. I am going to look myself in the mirror and fall madly in love with the girl I see there. Maybe if I tell myself how beautiful I am, maybe someday I’ll believe it -Snoopy 💜

[nooneheardmyscreams]

When I got married everyone said I wasn’t ready. And maybe they were right...but that doesn’t really matter, clearly. What matters is the choice I make every day to stay married. That’s the happy “not ready”. But to be honest, I’ve never felt ready to accept myself or think I’m beautiful. I’m not ready to let go of my insecurities and self hatred. I’m not ready to just be the person I want to be and know I could be if I just gave up my own mold. I don’t feel ready. But I suppose now is as good a time as any… Xoxo, Cindy 💜