Hmmmmmph
AnasAbdin

if i look back, i am lost
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@noreasonforfeeling
Hmmmmmph
i really really wanna have sex right now - with anyone
archie gone fucked me up by saying he missed talking to me (then not even talking to me that much) and then when we met up, touching my hair, talking about our “connection” - things that my mind has grabbed hold of to mean something (the phrase leading me on comes to mine)
he is so oblivious
Feel like I'm still completely in love with him 👎🏻
Omg I'm a mess just cause Archie said he had missed talking to me and we should meet up....... conveniently forgot the tarot telling me he is ungenerous !!! This is never gona work !!! I can't even have a friendship with him !!! I've already opened up about having an awful day..... I can NOT TELL HIM STUFF LIKE THAT. He will never/not give me what I want. He won't. EVER. Mickey come back from tour pls (the impulse with mickey is so diff, I never felt the need to share everything about my life with him - WHICH WAS BETTER)
iiii................... have had a eventful week
1. realising me and mickey at work were into each other and almost going manic over it, esp him staying over an hour longer at the cafe than he had to and not wanting him to leave like oh this is a feeling and a thing that lucia also realised before me/us
2. ending up on a rooftop bar talking to mickey that same evening cause i happened to invite everyone at work to a poetry reading, and he actuallyyyyy came
3. having my last shift with mickey the next day and staying half an hour longer than i had to and making gin drinks for the boys and then telling mickey that we should go for another drink and him saying yeah and leaving the cafe smiling like an absolute goon, partly because it may have been the first time i’ve asked a boy out
4. going to get free coffee at the cafe on sunday with em, the most supportive friend evr, and it happenin to coincide with mickey’s fag break so we talked on the bench
5. later at em’s, messaging mickey about that drink
6. him suggesting the very next night
7. me saying yes
8. being nervous as hell, but the drink being fine and talking about us being mutually attracted to each other and this break with his girlfriend who that very say said she didn’t think they should be on a break so he was confused but there were so many problems, he didn’t think it would actually be good to be with her anymore but there is a small part of him tht thinks they maybe should try again because of how long they were together (which is stupid) but saying he was glad he was there
9. talking for a while on my bed
10. mickey going in for a kiss but being super confused and repeating “i got to go” about 100 times and not going further than kissing cause it probs wasn’t a good idea and him tasting so so good and it just feeling really fucking good
11. him not knowing how to leave it cause he went home today and then is going on tour most of september and then will see his girlfriend but that’s TOO MUCH TIME FOR HIM TO THINK
12. being teased relentlessly at work, but also lucia telling me he was super nervous and downed two beers at the end of his shift - so realising i wasn’t the only one that was super nervous
13. trying not to feel any emotion over the whole thing until after work it all fell on top of me
14. bumping into Laurie and having a huge rant cause none of my friends were free for phone calls, then sticking around for a drink with him and Katrina
15. thinking how who knows what’ll ever happen bwteen me and mickey now and not expecting anything, expecting zilch - then getting a message from him and ignoring it
16. why can’t i look at it
Really wondering where the hell my reserves of self-love are. I was better with him. I'm fine now but I was better with him. How can I love myself so much that I can do that again. I feel so dead to the world today, like I couldn't even smile at someone who smiled at me. Acts of kindness. Acts of kindness towards myself. After taking him to his first poetry reading in a basement, I wrote that I could imagine that basement existing for eternity, thinking we would go back there, thinking fucking hell this is it. On the first night. Today I read that that basement is being completely refurbished and won't be finished till 2017. So I was wrong. It will still exist but it'll be different. Reading back on old diaries really fucks me up. The difference between before and after certain people enter your life. I can count three now, but only one was actually it I think. Maybe even the literal entry before the one about meeting Archie, I said how I had been in love with Joe. I had no fucking idea. I had no idea that even though I'd been destructively in love with Joe, he would be replaced as the touch stone. Archie came and the idea of Joe was demolished. He ceased to matter. Just like Joe had demolished the idea of Conor. So now I'm on Archie as the last one, but he's also the first one. The first with a level of kindness and reciprocation and the best fucking sex and the immediate, irreversible connection. I was neurotic to his kindness. He wasn't perfect. But he was Archie. And Conor wasn't really Conor and Joe wasn't really Joe but Archie was Archie. And he set off discourse in my mind, my personal life, introduced new concepts to my writing, it wasn't the textbook romance. But he also set a new level of intimacy and connection that I can't imagine will come that simply and easily to me again. He would talk to me on the phone till 3 in the morning and not hang up even to brush his teeth. He stayed on the line and then he was gone.
Who the fuck shall I invite round for dinner
I still fucking miss him
Why does part of me still want to hear from him, why does part of me want him to say he got it wrong and we should meet up again and remember how good it was
Having a moment of missing him
i made a list recently of ~things~ i am most interested in and memory was one of them
I need to stop underestimating myself I need to remember that I’m amazing
masturbating while thinking ‘i miss you’ is not fun
I have a job now, don't have to worry so much about money... I graduate next week so don't have to worry about my degree...I don't have a boy anymore so I don't have to worry about a relationship....like, what, do I do with my L I F E. What can actually give me purpose outside work ???
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