we're watching twilight on your couch. your roommate is in in the kitchen, listening to a liveplay dnd podcast i recognize. you point to the screen while edward's hands remake the book cover. "took them 13 takes, which i find auspicious," you say, sprinkling popcorn into your mouth, "they used a string for it."
"i am a sucker for a practical effect, it must be said." on the screen, rob patts sort of awkwardly grimaces in cold lighting. i have all of my limbs tucked underneath myself.
you pass the popcorn bowl to me, i shuffle up a handful. for a second, turned away from the movie, my ears ring. you are alight and beautiful, grinning. you mouth the words of dialogue.
i don't know much more than how ya been loca? and of course spider monkey but i did like the books.
halloween decorations flock your walls. the room is warm. autumn is twisting against the window. i wish, violently, i knew how to knit. something to do with my hands.
"remember divergent?" you say. edmund is eating a bag of eggs. "that shit was violated-the-geneva-conventions terrible."
"first book wasn't so bad," i offer. "it's the rest of the series i cannot talk about. no, for real, i will get upset."
i have to break eye contact. i instead focus on kristen stewart, her rapturous stuttering. i actually think she did a great job with the source material, considering.
you point to me. "you know, naming him four was wild. because it's like, the number of fears he has, right?" you grab more popcorn. "i would have, like, invented new things for them to be afraid of."
what a good point. "actually, yeah? why were none of his fears getting his dick blown clear off? or like, getting eaten alive by ants?"
i had a dream, once. about what would happen if i just broke it open. sometimes you look at me and it's all live wire. like if i put my hand on it, it'll erupt. sometimes i think you want it just as badly. most of the time i think we are both too old and too hurt to be making choices unwisely.
you have the longest eyelashes i've ever seen.
"everybody afraid of being eaten alive by ants," you agree. you pick up a fleece blanket. "wait, what am i doing. come here, come get cuddly." you balance the bowl in one hand and wiggle over to me until our legs are touching, throw the blanket over both of us. "okay, so much better, right?" you squint. "you know, there really is something so mormon about the bible imagery in this."
i am practicing deep breathing. i turn back to the screen. i am very still in every part of my body. i am suddenly very aware that there's a kernel in my back tooth. "you lost me." my voice comes out kind of tight, thank god the soundtrack is playing.
"this specific one not so much; but there's a Christianity to the whole thing, right? and the cover; i mean. forbidden desire when it's done by straight people is always, like - come on, man."
your roommate takes their dinner and their podcast upstairs, and then it is just us; just the stupid movie and your body burning through my atmosphere. and of course the kernel, which my tongue can't find but i know is there.
i watch-without-seeing. i think about the pros and cons list i've made thirty times and counting. cons: she's your friend, you idiot. i think about how i only still-talk to like, two of my exes. cons: you would love her too loudly. i can't be wrong again. i can't choose the wrong person and go through the whole thing.
three months ago, when you were drunk, you peered up at me - okay but what if we kiss. just once. just to see.
i pick up more popcorn. "you ever hear the actor commentary on this thing?"
you cackle, and the laugh rings through both our bodies. "oh my god, the wire in the shirt, right? what did he call it - like, intentionally ruffled or something?" you manage a pretty good impression of him, honestly.
i try to picture next october, and what would happen if i didn't have this. like, if we ruined it and didn't talk and no longer had our little rituals. who would i even talk to about it? it's always you i come to, over and over again.
you nestle closer. the faint and sardonic curl of your lips. "honestly," you whisper, blinking those wide eyes up at me, "i was actually team jacob."
but then - if it worked out - what if.