R
This is a long post and this is a love story.
Well, someone posted in Facebook an instance from when she and her boyfriend met. I got envious so I want to tell you the story of me and R.
The point of this story is really not how we met. It’s about how I fell in love.
The thing is, I went to Baguio to forget about N. One of the reasons why I entered law school was to deviate myself from all the depression and sadness I was feeling that time. Yes, I was diagnosed with depression. He kinda ruined a part of me and I was just not ready to become too devastated. I had to help myself. It was actually the doctor’s idea. Well, technically, it was my idea, but he agreed thinking maybe it was what I needed. So I told my parents I wanted to go to Baguio. Law school was a front, but I always knew that they knew what was going on.
My father, who had so much difficulties sending me to UP, agreed. I guess he thought it was what I needed as well. Long story short, I went to Baguio.
And so, I started studying, which was actually good. I devoted myself to studying our laws. I made myself busier than ever. I aimed to be on top, so that I would have more reasons to think about other things other than the pain and struggle. I converted the energy from tears to brain perspiration. I detoxified myself from all the N-toxins I had in my body. I started to recover all by myself.
Then he happened. R happened.
He was a stranger. We had our first share of joys and laughter and tipsy moments as acquaintances. He wasn’t my type at all. He was cute, however. He has this dazzling charm that no one could resist, except me. Because I was too occupied with school and isolation, he did not have my interest. I guess this was what gave him the determination to challenge my ability to repel from him. I guess it was also my ability to be an “actual” friend when no one else can, which captivated him.
We had a one night stand. Yes, indeed, we had. It was a night to remember. It was the first time in years that I felt the pleasure ruminating in my body. I had no regrets. After all, that’s how we really ‘met’. The next day, I had no plans of having anything to do with him anymore. But he was persistent. He continued on wooing me. I was hesitant. What I was thinking then was maybe because it was all because of the sex. So I didn’t pay much attention. But no matter how much I told him that I was uninterested, he still persisted.
The sex part happened again. For the second, third, fourth, I can’t really remember how many times it happened. What I am certain of is that the hormones did their part. No, I’m not saying I fell in love because of such instances. I just felt like there’s something in him that my body and soul wanted. Again, I repeat, wanted.
To make the super long story of how we ended up being together short, I took the chance to get out of the N-thoughts. You may want to call it panakip butas or rebound, or whatever, I don’t care. But that’s how it is. I gave him a chance. I gave myself a chance. In a blink of an eye, we were there – together.
To make, again, the long story short, I got knocked up. Yes, I got pregnant. Of course I was confused at first. I didn’t know what to feel. The funny thing, though, is that before I got pregnant, my OB actually told me that it would be better if I get pregnant now. I have this some kind of ovarian complexities. She said that once I reach the age of 28 or 30, I might not be able to carry a child in my womb anymore. I wasn’t alarmed that time because it didn’t matter at all to me whether or not I’ll end up being an old maid or a tita of Pampanga. Lol. Kidding aside, that was it. That actually became my motivation to accept the pregnancy.
I planned to leave. I did not want to tell him I was pregnant. I was all ready to leave. But a little bird told him. So he had more reason to be there. He had a reason to stay. Honestly, I felt betrayed. I had no plans on including him in me and my child’s life. I wanted to leave.
But he stayed.
When everybody left, he stayed.
Now, let’s go to the part how I fell in love.
I kinda really do not know how. It just happened. Well, actually, I remember how I realized that I was. He was in the kitchen that time cooking dinner for both of us. I was on my usual ‘writing’ rampage. I had so many clients that time and it was nearly summer break, everybody was so hyped on asking me to do their research papers, position papers, essays, and all other kinds of stuff. In short, I was stressed. So much stressed I had no time to sleep and relax, even eat. I was starting to smash whatever I see in my table. I was already tearing all my papers. There was too much stress rising up, I had to vent it out.
Suddenly, he came to me and gave me coffee. He lit a cigarette and gave it to me. He then said, “Oh, magkape ka muna. Nag-iibang tao ka pag di ka nagkakape, e.” That’s when I realized that this man knows me. More than I know myself. That was also when I realized the small things he did for me, which was actually what I really needed. That’s when I thought, even after all the rejections and mis-appreciations I did, he stayed.
He stayed.
Even when almost everyone left. Even when I pushed everyone away. Even when I pushed him away. Even when there’s no more reason to stay.
He did not give me any butterflies in the stomach because he made me feel what it’s like to make someone feel like that.
He did not make me feel passion and excitement because he made me feel what it’s like to be free to show affection.
There were no fireworks proposal nor Ferris wheel rides because there were only the simple things like singing my favourite song, giving me my dose of coffee blend and a stick of Marlboro every time I turn into a monster, or just plainly buying me Cobra whenever there’s too much workload.
He did not give me the world because he gave me my world.
He did not make me his world and treated me like I was everything to him because he did not have to. He made me realize what it’s like to have someone, but he never made me feel like I am obliged to return the favour.
He was not my first love, nor the perfect love, nor the great love, the true love, or the love that got away. He was the right kind of love.
He was not like any of the guys I shared my love with. Because he stayed.
When everybody almost already gave up taming the lion, he tried. And he succeeded. Because he stayed.
Happy Heart’s Day, my love. Sorry I had no time to make you a card. But I promise I will if I go home early today. I love you.
Inang yan. Pinagbuhusan ko pa ng panahon. He cheated on me, ladies. Para updated kayo. Manipulative fucking bastard. Ok, yun lang.