there’s not a single day that i don’t mourn the teenage years i could’ve spent, and when i see happy teenagers i get jealous because all i remember from those years is being so underweight i was slowly dying, my toxic relationship with my grapist, going to the hospital every week… then i try to find comfort in my childhood. wrong. my innocence taken away at 2 years old. i don’t remember any of it, so i’m planning to start emdr soon. first signs of my mental illnesses, emotionally unstable mum, absent dad, loneliness, depersonalisation, that was my childhood. i’m trying to romanticise the present, and sometimes i really can, but in this period i’m so depressed i find it hard to get out of bed and do something productive, i have panic attacks every night, even in the last few days that i’m sleeping with my mom because i get triggered during the night, and i’m angry with the world. and i even feel guilty because there’s no need to be constantly on alert right now, but my mind and my body are stuck in the past. something inside of me is broken forever and no medicine will fix it, not a single caress, not even love. i was destined to suffer since i was born.
