@not--even-a-real--fan - Tumblr Blog

“You were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.”

— Simon Van Booy, Everything Beautiful Began After

TW : suicidal thoughts

Couple of days ago my life went to shit. I was very happy before shit went down. Just graduated, started job hunting, decided to move in with my gf, bought a ticket to move to the city that i've been dreaming of living in since i was a little girl.

But then...

My girlfriend's mother caught her texting me, looked into her phone and outed me to my mother. She called her and adviced to send me to a psychiatrist. She took screenshots of our texts and sent them to my mother. I'm pretty sure she even saw my partial nudes bc she said, in a terrified voice, "they've been sending each other some photos i can't even speak of".

I thought that this was it they are gonna kill me for real. Even started planning to kill myself before they did.

Idk why but mom decided to choose denial. She prayed the gay away, said to me "you are normal. I know you are. If you had any perverted tendencies i would have noticed when you were a kid." She used all those words. Believing whole heatedly she was helping me. She even hugged me.

She went through my room. Took everything she could find that might be related to "this situation" and got rid of them. She thinks i'm consuming too much media. The movies, tv shows, comic books, video games... They were almost turning me gay!

So now i'm spending my days sitting in the living room with my parents not allowed to text for a long time. My door is never fully closed, i can't stay in my room for more than an hour.

I just don't understand. How??.. Why?!?

It all happened so quickly and unexpectedly, I couldn't even cry yet. I'm still in shock.

How tf am I supposed to delete all those things she sent me? The goofy selfies, pics of little trinkets, pics of all the cats she has seen on the street, the poems she wrote to me, the short story in which she described me as a forest fairy, pics of her hands, her hair... Omg her hair! I'm never gonna be able to touch her hair!

Fuck this world. Fuck it.

I was so stupid just thinking that everything was okay. Just naive enough to believe that i could be happy.

#yes the internet is my diary #biseuxal #tw depressing stuff

I just want to spend all my life looking at pretty things, collecting pretty things, sharing and gifting pretty things.

It would be such a nice bonus if i were to be able to also create pretty things but i'm aware it would be asking for too much.

I don't even want to be pretty, just surround myself with pretty.

Pretty carefree, pretty harmless, pretty weightless.

Just barely existing, feeling light, not responsible for a thing.

Silence, deep breaths, floating in the air.

All questions answered, all wories proved to be silly, all expectations stoped even existing.

Flying effortlessly, laying on top of a cloud, loved ones just frozen in time.

Her before her father, him before graduation, all of them before leaving.

Just me, all the love and the pretty things.

Me: Are my feelings one-sided? Am I just getting my hopes up? Am I reading all the signs wrong? Are we just friends?

My literal girlfriend whos been sleeping on top of me for hours: yeah you are right. I'm climbing on your back, hugging you and puting my hands under your shirt as a hobby.

#insecure #bisexual #relationship #wlw

archae-heart-deactivated2021012

eerie morning glow over the misty lake

chuwenjie

summer’s almost over so here’s some summer themed drawings~

past-elreality

I'm 10 minutes into oceans 8 and 9 minutes into a gay panic

Was anybody going to tell me that Clueless was a 90s American adaptation of Emma or was i supposed to watch it and connect the dots myself??

#clueless #emma #jane austen

beckie-letitia-deactivated20210

This blog is pro tits and anti Nazi

romansinsparta

I don’t know how my future wife and I will ever agree on a place to live if she insists on living in a cottage in a glen in the middle of the woods whereas I would much rather lounge on the small balcony of our cramped apartment filled with books and antiques in a huge city

Like babe I’m here for your aesthetic but what about a compromise?? What about a summer cottage?? Do you really want to tend to a fire all winter long?? what about our daily stroll to the cafe down the street where I gaze lovingly at you over the top of a newspaper while we hold hands and eat pastries

quotemadness

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

ladyl0v3r

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Goblet of Fire, behind the scenes.

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THE HANDMAIDEN (2016) DIR. PARK CHAN-WOOK

The daughter of a legendary thief, who sewed winter coats out of stolen purses. Herself a thief, pickpocket, swindler. The saviour who came to tear my life apart. My Tamako. My Sookee.