NotAMatch.com

I'm a 27 year old woman just trying to find that special someone....and having the worst luck with match.com. My friends said the stories were just too good not to share. Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and myself. My life, for your reading pleasure:

[notamatch]

#6 - Stage Five Clinger

So it’s been little while since I’ve gone on date...and a nice, good looking guy messaged me recently, so I thought ‘what the hell, go for it’. He’s a little older, around 30, and seemed like he knew how to have fun. He had pictures up of him and his friends on a boat, and sports related pictures, and a goofy picture of himself and good picture of himself. So he seemed very well rounded. *Side note - pictures are literally worth a thousand words. So its important to put up pictures that make you look like you know how to have fun, but not that you have too much fun and can't be serious. Hence, my well rounded pictures showing me having fun with friends and family, me in my work place, and one selfie. - End side note* 

Anyway, we texted for little while and I learned that we had a lot in common as far as interests. He was sarcastic and had a good sense of humor, without being too much of a dick, but not too sensitive. For me thats important because I can be blunt and sarcastic sometimes. He’s into sports, another important factor. I shouldn't know more about a sport than my man, thats just embarrassing. We hit it off, had a little fun sexy texting - i will say that i have a tendency to take sexual innuendos a little too far sometimes. I’ll let you decided for yourself if thats a good or bad thing. 

My first sign that he was Stage Five Clinger was the texting. I’m a terrible texter, especially at work and I always advertise that. I work at a hospital and there can be hours at a time that I don't look at my phone, much less think about looking at it. 

Here’s a list of the message I received when I didn’t respond within like 10 minutes of his messages:

 “Hello?” 

“You still there?” 

“Did you get my message?” 

“I’m not scaring you away am I?” 

Yes, the answer is yes to all of them. You are scaring me away. Give me a second to breathe. I have a life and I will not be texting you every second of every day. 

We went on a date anyway, dinner and bowling. I know I can be a little harsh judging people, and I feel like online dating makes that ten times more prevalent because you’re judging someone based on a few words and pictures to see if you would be fit as life partners. *Enter previous side note* But he was a lot shorter than he said he was, and his description of “stable, working and independent” was totally not matching his story about living off of his parents for several years and job hopping ever since. I mean, I’m 25 and completely stable, financially independent and have a steady job...you’re 30 dude. Get yo life. So while we had fun and he seemed like a cool guy, he wasn't exactly what I was looking for. 

[notamatch]

#5 - Socially Awkward

This guy messaged me first. He was very nice and polite. He used a lot of exclamation points and excitement in his texts, which i thought was kinda weird. His picture was kinda cute, just average guy with his cat. He worked with cars and was into sports and loves animals, so I thought I’d give him a shot. Maybe this one would be normal and we’d have a good time. 

I followed my rule and texted him for at least a week. Over that period of time i learned that he’s been here for about 8 years, but just works. Doesn’t really have any friends. Has a cat. But he was really talkative and it was nice to have someone to have a normal conversation with. He didn’t try to be sexual or ask me what size bra I wear. He didn’t seem like the murderous or fetish type so I figured it would be safe to go out with him. 

He took me to Carrabbas which is like one of my favorite places ever. If you’ve never been, they have the best bread and spices dip ever. So I met him there, as per protocol, and when he was walking up to the front where I was waiting he started playing with his fingers and fidgeting. First dates are nerve racking and they can make your stomach turn upside down, and your face turn bright red, and make you sweat in places you didn’t know you could…but you try to hide all of these things. He was straight up having a nervous attack. Like rubbing his thumb raw with his finger. 

We sit at a booth and things are pretty quiet. I ask him how his day was and he responds “Good”….I ask him what he did all day and he responds “replaced a part in a car”. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. And I’m not a person to talk just to hear my own voice. He would nervously chuckle at things that weren’t funny and like stare right through me when i was talking to him. I work in customer service, i can carry a conversation with a brick wall, but this was painful. It was borderline amazing how socially awkward he was. How do people like that function in society? He was hiding behind his phone the whole time, texting like crazy but when it came down to actually speaking face to face he struck out. That’s one thing I hate about my generation. 

Needless to say, there will not be a second date but he was nice. Wish him the best of luck in the future. Kinda reminded me of the 40 year old virgin, hopefully he’ll get laid before then, but he’s gotta learn to talk without his phone and lose the nervous tick. 

[notamatch]

I just couldn't resist posting this.

[notamatch]

#4 - Continued...

…like it couldn’t get any weirder, it just did. 

So I get this text from my friend today. He was on tinder just going through some profiles when he stumbled upon S&M Foot Fetish’s profile. 

Man seeking a man. 

I’m not judgmental or prejudice and I’m definitely an ally of the LGBT community, but this is the guy I was seeing…

Way to throw a wicked curveball. I guess we weren’t each others type even more than I thought. Feet don’t have a gender, so he could be into anyone’s feet right? And that would explain why things were awkward when I tried to be sexual/intimate with him, if he just wasn’t into having sex with a woman but literally just into my feet. I guess I should take that as a compliment? 

I feel like I should start my next date with a series of questions:

1. Do you like women?

2. What are you physically attracted to?

3. Do you have any fetishes?

4. Would you like me to be conscious during sex? 

5. Are you obsessed with fictional children’s characters?

Maybe thats a little too much. Someone might start a blog about dating me. And I’m sure that would scare off the normal guys…wherever they are. Seriously though, where the normal guys at?

[notamatch]

#4 - S&M Foot Fetish

So I will warn you, this may be a long post.

So I made the first move online this time. I came across his profile and immediately I thought he was cute. He seemed like he had his life together and was adulting pretty well. Had two jobs and was in school. He was a southern gentlemen and very polite and respectful. So I thought, what the hell? We met for some mexican food and then went and got ice cream. This time I totally felt like I was gonna shit myself from being so nervous.

My first hint should have been when he asked me what size shoe I wear. Then my next hint should have been when he ask if i preferred Jack Rogers or Rainbows.

We continued to see each other. He met my friends and we went out for drinks and played pool. He was a total sweetheart and a great kisser. I really really liked him and I even invited him to my work dinner where he met all my coworkers. But as we started to become more intimate with each other I noticed that he definitely liked to be in control. I would reach for his inner thigh and he would stop me. I even tried to go down on him and he stopped me…never in my life have I ever heard of a guy stopping a girl who is willing and wanting to go down on them. But with my luck…of course I meet that guy.

I tried to put it all past me, and thought it up to just be nerves or whatever. The next time we were hanging out he gives me a foot massage. And I don’t mean any foot massage, but the best I’ve ever had in my entire life. Like this shit was heavenly. If it was possible, which I’m sure for some unicorn woman, I would have totally gotten off on this massage. He massaged each toe and the sole of my foot and then the ball of my foot and up my ankle to my calf. And he kissed each toe and it was so intimate. And for second I felt weird about it because, I HATE feet, but then it felt so good so I just closed my eyes and enjoyed it…not realizing that he was getting VERY turned on.

So one night after having a dinner date we’re on my couch and we’re making out and groping a little bit. He’s getting a little boob action and I’m getting really turned on and I ask him what he wants to do, since you know last night I got shot down when I tried to take control and make a move. Thats when it happens…he whispers in a seductive voice:

“Baby I want to put you in a choke hold until you pass out and then tie you up and fuck your feet”

I immediately took his hands off me and said “I’m sorry I can’t do this.” …He then proceeded to try to convince me that it was okay by showing me a porno of what he wanted to do to me. And in this porno this girl was put in a choke hold until she was convulsing and then passed out (idk if she was just a really good actress or if it was forreal, but either way homegirl was limp as a dead fish) and then the guy got out zip ties and tied her ankles together and put his dick between the arches of her feet and fuck her feet until he came.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

You can’t just spring this on someone and act like its completely normal. He literally wants to rape my feet while i’m passed out. I have a line and he crossed it. Like wayyyyyy passed crossed it. I’m cool with kinky and rough, but this…this is a whole new level of kinky.

Needless to say, I ended things. Very abruptly and quickly.

This is my life.

[notamatch]

#3 - Netflix and Chill

Lucky number 3, he’s an interesting one. We never actually went on a date but that was for very good reason. He was more into “netflix and chill” than into me.

He was really outgoing via text and was the first guy who seemed real and made me laugh. He definitely knew how to keep the conversation going and had a lot to say about everything. The first indication I got that he was a little off was his joke about what he was currently doing:

“You know, the usual. Just looking at Facebook, playing with my dog, helicopter weiner, and looking for something to eat” 

At the time, I thought it was funny and he had a good sense of humor and was comfortable with himself. But things escalated pretty quickly after that. The conversation turned from playful and flirty to downright dirty in 2.5 seconds. I asked him a trivia question that I thought was really difficult (my friends and I were at trivia at the time of the conversation) and he got the answer right. I acted super impressed that he got it right, even though he probably just googled it. But I humored him anyway. He playfully asked if he could get a prize for being correct and I asked what he would like:

“A bj would be nice” 

Ummm hold up, I don’t know you. And from what I’ve gathered you’re funny and sarcastic. But are you being totally serious right now? And he was. He was dead serious. What happened to first and second base? Do we just skip right over those now and jump in? 

As if that wasn't enough indication that he just wanted to get laid and was not looking for any sort of relationship, he then had the audacity to ask if he could come over and watch netflix with me. Yeah right dude, I wasn’t born yesterday. Pretty much everyone on the planet knows what “netflix and chill” means. Thanks, but no thanks. At least you were completely open and honest, I’ll give you credit for that. Moving on...

[notamatch]

#2 - Donald Duck

This guy was sweet, and seemed very endearing. He messaged me and immediately started complimenting me, but in a not creepy kind of way. Which, by the way, its really hard not to be creepy when complimenting someone online. I’ll call this one “Donald Duck”, you’ll see why...

I was a little more hesitant about this guy. He was more religious than I am, and talked about this faith a lot, and worked at his church. I wasn’t judging him by any means, but it was something that concerned me, given the lifestyle that I live and the language that I use. However, I agreed to go out with him. I wasn't as nervous about this one, I guess because partly he made me feel really comfortable when I talked to him and partly because this was now not my first rodeo. So no, I did not feel the need to shit 6 times before this date. 

We decided to meet at Chili’s, he offered to pick me up but I was not comfortable with this...you never know when you need a get away car. I pull into the parking lot. I was there a few minutes before him. He pulls up in his car and it parked at my 7 o’clock, directly in site of my driver’s side mirror so I can check him out before he sees me. That’s when I notice it...He as a disney steering wheel cover. 

He gets out of the car and reveals...his disney seat covers. 

He walks up to my car wearing a donald duck shirt. 

Oh but thats not all, we get to the table and he pulls out his phone and shows me his disney phone cover. 

Then I spent the next 2 hours of my life listening to him talk about how he goes to disney every year for his birthday, and wants to take the kids in his youth group too, and he has like 11 favorite rides, and I was lucky enough to hear the best thing about each of these rides, and his favorite memories of disney. I sat quiet. I maybe said 2 words the entire date. Then when the check comes...the icing on the cake...he pulls out his disney wallet to pay for the check. 

Ba Dum Chhhh...This is my life. No Joke. 

Apparently he had a really great time, and asked me out again. But I respectfully declined the offer. He was nice, but I’m not into dating a man-child. Sorry not sorry. 

[notamatch]

#1 - Close, but no cigar

First, let me begin with my background...

I was in a rollercoaster relationship for two and a half years that ended in a not so pleasant way. I took my time getting back into the swing of things, focused on myself, and then decided it was time to get back into the dating world. A friend of a friend met a girl on match and things were going great so I decided to give it a try. I got together the best pictures I could find of myself, you know the ones with the good angles to make my face look thinner, hide my double chin, make my rack look awesome. Then I came up with a bio that made me sound down to earth, sporty, fun, and interesting...but not like i was trying too hard (but who am I kidding, I reread my bio probably 50 times before posting it). The first week or two I got a few hits from 30-40+ creeps and a couple fuckboys who were just looking for a good time, but I kept logging on everyday....

The first one is the hardest, and the weirdest. This guy starts messaging me and he seems cool. He’s really down to earth and kinda cute. We seem to be into the same things: sports, hanging out with friends, beer, etc. (When I started this thing I made a plan that I would talk to someone for a week before agreeing to a date, it has turned out to be one of my greatest decisions thus far) So we’ll call this one “Close, but no cigar”. He’s been the best first date, and the most normal of them all. I agreed to a date after doing some of my best Facebook stalking work, and maybe a background check...We decided to go to a pub down the street since he actually didn't live too far from me. 

Before the date I probably shit like 6 times. I don't know if its a condition, or if its normal and people just don't talk about it, but when I get super nervous I have to take a shit. So i call one of my best friends on the way to the date and she’s trying to get me all psyched up about it and encouraging me, meanwhile I’m trying not to shit myself in the car. I meet up with “Close, but no cigar” and do this strange handshake/hug kind of deal, because what are you supposed to do when you meet someone on a first date and you’ve never met them before? Like, is it appropriate to hug? or are you supposed to keep it formal and just handshake? I still haven’t figured that one out. Then we sit down and order drinks, he has great taste in beer by the way, and we end up talking for almost 3 hours. We talked about sports, and college, and friends, and funny stories, and our families. I felt like we hit it off. The date comes to a close, as did the pub. He walks me to my car and gives me a cute hug goodbye. I’m thinking: this was an awesome first date, and I want to see him again, and I’m so glad I joined this site! I was so naive. 

A couple days later my friends and I go out for karaoke and drinks, and I invite him to join. You know, he has to pass the friend test. Well he ends up coming and we had a good time. I made a fool of myself, as per protocol. He was social and met all the friends, they thought he was cool. He was social with the group, but flirty with me, and I like that. We end up hugging goodbye again. A little disappointed there was no attempt at a kiss. But whatever, he passed the friend test. 

Then out of nowhere, BOOM, radio silence. 

We had been talking for about 2 weeks and had seen each other twice and I was really feeling this guy and thought he was feeling me too. So I was surprised when he just stopped responding to my texts. Come to find out about a week later when he texted me back, his best friend died. So then i feel like a super bitch, because here I am thinking that he’s an asshole for not texting me back. And then of course, I google this dead guy to find out if he’s telling me the truth or not. I didn't want to get played by some lame “oh my friend died, sorry I can’t see you anymore” lie. But this guy really did die, so I felt so bad for him. I continued to try to talk to him but definitely gave him some space. 

So a week went by, then two, then three and still radio silence....so i just let it go. He was really cool and I liked him, but he had too much going on I guess. And I hope he’s doing okay since his friend passed and all. He was a good guy. Close, but no cigar.