#notamatch

[whatasoutherngirlwants]

Well, when you are 1 lid short for your #bonebroth 🤷‍♀️ you improvise #notamatch #dowhatyougottado (at Florida) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnrNn6Ylzfo/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=h66t4pt3fpca

[notamatch]

#6 - Stage Five Clinger

So it’s been little while since I’ve gone on date...and a nice, good looking guy messaged me recently, so I thought ‘what the hell, go for it’. He’s a little older, around 30, and seemed like he knew how to have fun. He had pictures up of him and his friends on a boat, and sports related pictures, and a goofy picture of himself and good picture of himself. So he seemed very well rounded. *Side note - pictures are literally worth a thousand words. So its important to put up pictures that make you look like you know how to have fun, but not that you have too much fun and can't be serious. Hence, my well rounded pictures showing me having fun with friends and family, me in my work place, and one selfie. - End side note* 

Anyway, we texted for little while and I learned that we had a lot in common as far as interests. He was sarcastic and had a good sense of humor, without being too much of a dick, but not too sensitive. For me thats important because I can be blunt and sarcastic sometimes. He’s into sports, another important factor. I shouldn't know more about a sport than my man, thats just embarrassing. We hit it off, had a little fun sexy texting - i will say that i have a tendency to take sexual innuendos a little too far sometimes. I’ll let you decided for yourself if thats a good or bad thing. 

My first sign that he was Stage Five Clinger was the texting. I’m a terrible texter, especially at work and I always advertise that. I work at a hospital and there can be hours at a time that I don't look at my phone, much less think about looking at it. 

Here’s a list of the message I received when I didn’t respond within like 10 minutes of his messages:

 “Hello?” 

“You still there?” 

“Did you get my message?” 

“I’m not scaring you away am I?” 

Yes, the answer is yes to all of them. You are scaring me away. Give me a second to breathe. I have a life and I will not be texting you every second of every day. 

We went on a date anyway, dinner and bowling. I know I can be a little harsh judging people, and I feel like online dating makes that ten times more prevalent because you’re judging someone based on a few words and pictures to see if you would be fit as life partners. *Enter previous side note* But he was a lot shorter than he said he was, and his description of “stable, working and independent” was totally not matching his story about living off of his parents for several years and job hopping ever since. I mean, I’m 25 and completely stable, financially independent and have a steady job...you’re 30 dude. Get yo life. So while we had fun and he seemed like a cool guy, he wasn't exactly what I was looking for. 

[notamatch]

#4 - Continued...

…like it couldn’t get any weirder, it just did. 

So I get this text from my friend today. He was on tinder just going through some profiles when he stumbled upon S&M Foot Fetish’s profile. 

Man seeking a man. 

I’m not judgmental or prejudice and I’m definitely an ally of the LGBT community, but this is the guy I was seeing…

Way to throw a wicked curveball. I guess we weren’t each others type even more than I thought. Feet don’t have a gender, so he could be into anyone’s feet right? And that would explain why things were awkward when I tried to be sexual/intimate with him, if he just wasn’t into having sex with a woman but literally just into my feet. I guess I should take that as a compliment? 

I feel like I should start my next date with a series of questions:

1. Do you like women?

2. What are you physically attracted to?

3. Do you have any fetishes?

4. Would you like me to be conscious during sex? 

5. Are you obsessed with fictional children’s characters?

Maybe thats a little too much. Someone might start a blog about dating me. And I’m sure that would scare off the normal guys…wherever they are. Seriously though, where the normal guys at?

[notamatch]

#3 - Netflix and Chill

Lucky number 3, he’s an interesting one. We never actually went on a date but that was for very good reason. He was more into “netflix and chill” than into me.

He was really outgoing via text and was the first guy who seemed real and made me laugh. He definitely knew how to keep the conversation going and had a lot to say about everything. The first indication I got that he was a little off was his joke about what he was currently doing:

“You know, the usual. Just looking at Facebook, playing with my dog, helicopter weiner, and looking for something to eat” 

At the time, I thought it was funny and he had a good sense of humor and was comfortable with himself. But things escalated pretty quickly after that. The conversation turned from playful and flirty to downright dirty in 2.5 seconds. I asked him a trivia question that I thought was really difficult (my friends and I were at trivia at the time of the conversation) and he got the answer right. I acted super impressed that he got it right, even though he probably just googled it. But I humored him anyway. He playfully asked if he could get a prize for being correct and I asked what he would like:

“A bj would be nice” 

Ummm hold up, I don’t know you. And from what I’ve gathered you’re funny and sarcastic. But are you being totally serious right now? And he was. He was dead serious. What happened to first and second base? Do we just skip right over those now and jump in? 

As if that wasn't enough indication that he just wanted to get laid and was not looking for any sort of relationship, he then had the audacity to ask if he could come over and watch netflix with me. Yeah right dude, I wasn’t born yesterday. Pretty much everyone on the planet knows what “netflix and chill” means. Thanks, but no thanks. At least you were completely open and honest, I’ll give you credit for that. Moving on...

[thedarklordtalks]

Im dressed so weirdly light now leggings, baggy wooly jumper, leather jacket wet hair and biker boots in a car...