i, personally , don’t like this but what can i do

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@noteating--enough
i, personally , don’t like this but what can i do
ill give some context
jan - feb: The Bulimic Era, honeymoon, long fasts and an unsustainable plan, losing consistently
mar: falls into binge restrict cycle, things start to fall apart, reach a new LW every week (and can never maintain bc every time i eat i binge)
apr - may: stops skipping meals in onder to try to get out of the binge restrict cycle, semirec gone wrong, stops restricting but binges still, gaining consistently. blood tests are a mess.
jun: tries to eat clean but still "semi rec", still ganing. eating more to try to prevent binging someway. reached a new HW and i kinda spiraled back to throwing up
none of this was done with profissional help . obviously i didnt do recovery right whatever that boat has sailed
i've been struggling with different facets of disordered eating for over four years now and i still don't think i actually have an ed man this is crazy
there's no escaping this nothing can save me this is my life forever
things really don’t get better
i've been struggling with a huge binging problem since march
*sighs* gets vibrator to pass them time while restricting
she's a ten but she counts calories and then randomly stops for two weeks
the funniest thing i did when i thought i didn't have an eating disorder was look on disordered eating blogs for tips and tricks they used to not eat. i was like "well objectively this is horrible and obviously these girls need help, but also, i am NOT using this advice to starve myself, i'm just using it to eat a normal amount so it's fine"
Literally the worst
my brain goes from “it’s getting bad again:/“ to “it’s getting bad again🥳” within seconds i-
i.. think i have ednos actually
The reason I gain and lose the same 5lbs over and over.
😅oops
the way not eating is actually a lot of work. I have to plan according to what im gonna eat when, who’s gonna be there, coming up with lies, its a whole full time job frfr
the feminine urge to completely destroy your health for beauty standards
guys omg jsaksjaks
so my mom just poured ice tea for my friend and I and she asked "ahm are there too many calories in this?" and my mom was "oh dont worry about it youre skinny" and she was like "oh yeah i dont mind about calories in food but i dont like to drink to many liquid calories bc i dont think its worth it yknow?"
and i immediately said "oh the normal one has 36kcal per cup but the light one is just 4kcal per 200ml, so don't even worry about it"
AND WE JUST MOVED ON???@@? JSAKSJAJ LIKE I KNOW THESE CALORIES BY HEART AND NO ONE EVEN QUESTIONED IT