Into the unknown…
Well 2020 is certainly an unforgettable year. Mainly, for all the wrong reasons, but I can still find silver linings amidst the storm clouds. I started this year happily pregnant and full of hope. With that loss (our fifth), came the first blow of what has tuned out to be a turbulent year.
While painfully nursing my wounds, my ex-husband announced that he is going to marry the woman he left us for. Now please don’t get me wrong (hear my jovial tone), having remarried myself this is totally acceptable behaviour from him and forgive my sarcasm, but I wish them all the very best. When relationships are founded on such ‘honesty’, it’s hard to believe in the love story.
Personally, that was quite enough emotion for one year, but let’s just have a think. On a world scale we have witnessed, to name a few, the Australian bushfires, Mexit, Brexit with the UK withdrawal from the European Union, the failed impeachment trail of President Donald Trump, the Coronavirus pandemic and subsequent economic downturn and the Black Lives Matter movement. Is anyone waiting for the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to turn up?
I have sat down in front of my laptop several times and then walked away. I have pondered this blog, its purpose and its future. Everyone is struggling in their own way and all for very different reasons. But this blog was always written to offer hope, to offer solidarity and this year, of all years, we are quite literally all in it together.
I am not a scientist; I cannot shed light on the complexities of Covid-19 and its possible trajectories. I am not a politician; I cannot begin to comprehend the difficulties of navigating what choices are right for the health and welfare of the populace and also for the economy. I am not a doctor, nurse or healthcare professional, I have not witnessed first-hand the human suffering and loss of recent months. Thank you to all those who have worked so hard. I have simply done my bit, stayed at home and kept my distance. But beyond this pandemic, beyond 2020, what lies ahead? What comes next?
I think we are venturing into the unknown.
And therein lies my issue. Perhaps there is a greater need than ever to learn to live more comfortably in the present and be less terrified of the ‘unknown’.
I know that I find change and uncertainty particularly hard. When my ex-husband’s affair came to light, my life changed in an instant. I can still remember that spiralling feeling of anxiety and the utter loss of control: something terrible happened and (for me) it came out of nowhere. I could not change it and I could not control how it subsequently unfolded. I then experienced a similar lack of control with my recurrent miscarriages. With each loss, uncertainty grew inside me and I dared not plan ahead for fear of heartache. But that is life, it is unavoidably filled with uncertainty.
The current pandemic has heightened so much uncertainty for all of us. Many have faced insecurities over the economy, employment, finances, relationships and physical and mental health. As humans, on the whole, we crave stability, security and a need to control our own lives. We each have varying degrees of uncertainty that we can tolerate, and of course some enjoy the unpredictability of life more than others, but everyone has their limit.
When people contact me through this blog, they often ask how to cope with uncertainty and the anxiety it causes. I tend to give the advice that was given to me by my dad - focus on controlling those things in life that you are able to control as the rest will happen anyway. After my ex left, I used to spend much of my time worrying and working myself up over things that ultimately, I had absolutely no control over.
Do not get me wrong, I can still revert back to old habits when something hits me hard: I then have to refocus and tell myself to concentrate on controlling those things that are under my control. At times, I have to challenge my own need for certainty. I have to tell myself that it is perfectly okay to not know what is coming next. It is also normal not to know how things are going to turn out; none of us have a crystal ball.
I found that I could reduce my anxiety and stress by, literally, letting go. Literally learning to venture into the unknown.
Good things can come from bad. After the downfall of my previous marriage, I found a new type of confidence in myself. I wrote this blog, I harnessed new talents, relished motherhood and recovered my femininity. I then met my (now) husband; opportunity often arises from the unexpected. I believe that having to face uncertainty in life has helped me learn to adapt and overcome challenges along with increasing my empathy and resiliency.
Despite its overwhelming uncertainty, this year has offered me some silver linings. When lockdown came, the scheduling was gone, and the diary closed. There was no commitment to anything but home and to each other. I know many struggled, but I found calm in the simplicity of lockdown life. I baked with the children, built a tent and slept in it, read new recipes and actually had time to cook them. I sat with the children and chatted and watched endless movies. We all ate dinner at the same time, as a family. Goodness, there were times where we all needed space, there were times we craved normality, but I will look back on that time with some sense of peace. For the first time, I leant to live more comfortably in the present and let go of my fear of the unknown.
We are still not out of this pandemic and I am still not holding the baby that my husband and I dream of welcoming into this blended family. I am about to embark on a different career path and start at the very beginning again, at an age where I am far from the beginning of anything. But, for now, what else is there to do but continue onwards into the unknown.












