sorry, my mind is closed

all I have are these small and stupid words of mine...

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

flow

Go with it.

It will take you places;

places you've never once thought

you'd go 

or wanted to go,

like a branch snapped off of its tree,

hurled into the Mississippi,

traveling south 

to where the ninety-two degree sun

bites at your neck,

expelling drops of purification,

washing away all that you've longed 

for so long to forget

But when it feels like you've been there for too long

and you tire of the endless heat,

allow yourself to be cast away 

into the ever-changing water

And now you are north-bound,

heading up to bitter cold winters

that nip and gnaw at your exposed flesh,

leaving your bones feeling brittle,

only to remind you that warmth 

may exists in the crackling fires

that you once thought of as too overbearing

in the childhood home you thought to be

much too small for your growing limbs

Go with it.

Go south and go north and go east and go west

because you'll never know 

just how much you miss something until 

you've seen the rest,

at least

that is what they say...

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

had I known...

I would very much like 

to say that

if I knew you were going to 

rip me apart only to stitch me back together,

leaving bits and pieces of you 

in and around my skin, bones, and flesh

I would never have let you

--

Had I known 

that you would invade my lungs,

leaving me to drown

from the inside out

or that you would press down on me,

a weight for the paper that is my chest, 

my heart

leaving me unable to breathe,

suffocating me

I would never have let you

--

I would very much like 

to say: "I would never have let you"

but I know

and you know it, too

that if we had a do-over button,

I would let you 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

truths are for masochists

I wanted to tell you

that it will all be okay, 

but I didn't think I could say it

without lying,

like how some grown-ups used to 

when they tell you that 

"everything will be fine" 

but you know it won't

Like that time you fell 

climbing that tree when you were eight

and broke your arm

and you howled and shrieked at the pain

until your mother bolted out of the house 

and told you without missing a beat

that after a few months 

your arm will be fine,

but even after you took off the cast 

and peeled of the plaster,

it's never felt the same

You can always feel it aching 

when it's about to rain 

and sometimes it twinges a bit

time to time

I wish I could tell you

that it will all be okay,

but you told me 

that you always preferred the truth

no matter how hurtful 

because in the end,

you knew that you would ache

and the parts deep inside of you

would twinge from time to time

I guess you were a masochist who 

wanted the painful truth,

and I would always oblige

and it always killed me

to say it 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

cold

I often wonder

if it is worse to have cold feet 

or a cold heart 

Whether being unable to commit 

to something, constantly running away; or 

being unable to feel anything at all

And I guess both of us were at fault:

how you could never seem to

firmly plant your roots in one single place 

and how I didn't care that you couldn't

You were an autumn leaf that had

detached yourself from your home

and constantly mobile, 

and I was a child who looked on

who couldn't care any less

Like dust particles in the 

one-in-the-afternoon-sunlight

that I had tried to grasp in my fists 

with no avail, but soon realized that I didn't care

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

a letter to my future

A letter to my future:

There will be days when I am angry,

there will even be days when I am angry at you,

but there will also be days when I am angry with you

and for you. 

There will be days when I'm mad and upset,

I'll yell and scream and snap at you

I might break a few things

I might slam doors and 

throw things onto counter-tops and tables

and maybe even our television screen

There will be times when I feel I am not as

pretty or smart or nice as you always think I am

(but I know you'll always remind me, and I am grateful)

And oh there will a lot of days and nights 

when you might have to take care of me

from a cold or a hard day at work or when nothing seems to go right at all

And I know it will be hard, 

putting up with me

But I hope you know 

and I hope you never forget that:

I will never not love you 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

time

There was a time 

when I believed I could do anything I wanted

Because people remind you this --

when you're five and you wanted to grow up

to slay dragons and save a kingdom,

but you turned eight and realized

that fairytales weren't real

and decided to settle for something more practical

like a forest ranger in the amazon

But when you turned twelve you realized 

you were deathly afraid of bugs 

and things that slithered by you, unseen

Soon enough you've blown out 

your birthday candles a few more times 

and now people aren't telling you

that you can be anything you want anymore,

they're asking

"What do you think you'll do in a few years?"

or 

"Do you know what you want to be when you're older?"

In between then and now you've:

had your first kiss,

came to the realization that, 

yes, you can be that sad

without knowing why,

gone to a funeral where you didn't cry

when you were supposed to 

and you wondered what was wrong with you,

felt relief when you found out 

that, yes, it was okay to be that sad

without knowing why

And now people don't remind you, 

they don't even ask

They tell you

"Pick something. You are running out of time."

And all the while, you are wondering

Where did the time go?

I swear I was only looking out that window for twenty years

How could I possibly be running out of time? 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

a long winter

I love winter, she said,

but it makes me weary 

when it grows much too long

It leaves me tired and restless,

sucking all the moisture out

of my body leaving me 

with cracked skin and 

dry brittle bones

I love winter, she told him

Winter is beautiful,

but often even beautiful things 

if looked at for too long 

become common 

and lose their luster 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

car crash

You were a car crash on a Sunday afternoon -

I knew that I shouldn't, 

but I went on over anyway

And the fumes from the collision,

hazy and toxic 

rendered me incapable of 

thinking right 

And then before I knew, 

the gasoline spilt on the ground 

ignited and 

my heart exploded 

--

I don't blame you,

it was my own fault 

from the start anyway

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

Untitled

Tainted heart, don't fail me now 

don't leave me by myself

Or I might trade in my coffee for some wine

and start to think I need somebody else 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

weight

The words I never said

have become heavy in my throat,

Weighing me down and

suffocating me

--

In perfect honesty,

I cannot seem to recall 

the words I left unsaid,

but all I know 

is that it's killing me 

(and not at all sweetly).

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

sober

Being sober scares me more than anything;

aware of all the things I wanted to hide away

in the cracks of our walls 

and the in-betweens of our hearts

They saying knowing is a good thing,

but I don't want to know,

I'd much rather stay blissfully ignorant

We are happy in the midst of a druken haze

(happy hour is truly the happiest hour)

Being sober scares me more than anything

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

(untitled)

If bodies were ever buildings

and my heart was a room 

with a chest for a door,

then you have burst in

without knocking 

nor permission,

not caring to wipe your feet clean

You dirty up my clean brand-new floors

and walk out like you never walked in

leaving me to clean the mess 

you have created 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

youth

I never understood people

who got married at the age of 19

Tying the knot and settling down

before you can walk into a bar

and order a beer

Maybe I'm just jealous,

to not have found someone

I could love for the rest of my life

and then some 

before I finished college

Or maybe I really don't understand them,

because all I want to do is

stay out late, 

roaming around city streets

under street lamps 

or stay up talking 

about absolutely nothing

I confess:

I want you, I need you,

I hunger for you,

and maybe I just might love you

But I have a million other different ways

to spend my youth 

and I will not

waste it on you 

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

innocence wasted

How could it be

that in a time 

as short as a split second

such innocence can lay on the ground,

wasted?

(I am sickened and shaken 

down to my core)

What an incredible, devastating waste it is

to witness such a beautiful start 

falling to such a premature end

What a pity it is for a white rose

to wilt and die away before 

it has fully bloomed

What a waste,

what a waste,

what a waste...

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

sleep

Sleep is nothing compared to this

I would push it back, 

hour by the hour for you

Down coffee by the gallon 

and sit and wait 

for the night to fade away

And when my eyes turn glazed

and my focus falls out,

you are always there,

pinching me awake

(never a tender shake

or whisper)

Sleep is nothing compared to you,

but my love,

I am so exhausted

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

"forever"

I admit it,

I said I'd love you forever

But the flowers you gave me

have wilted away,

and our anniversary cake 

is long gone

and the candles have burnt out

so long ago,

even the cards and letters you wrote me

are fraying at the edges 

I know

I said I'd love you forever,

but darling,

my tired heart is beating 

so slow, and 

I am exhausted 

(and I know 

you are, too)

[nothingless-and-nothingmore]

preservation

What a beautiful liar he was --

I'll write about you,

and that way you'll never die,

he said to me

Don't waste your breath and your ink,

and find some other girl to write about

(one who would love you enough 

 to exist only in your lines)

Why not take a picture?

It'll give you a thousand words easy 

I know 

you are deathly afraid 

that one day I won't be here to love you,

but Darling, I love you now

I just won't love you anymore 

when I'm dead