But Fear Itself

@nothingtofearbut

A RP blog for Dr. Jonathan Crane. Do keep in mind that I do not care for you or about you, and we may very well get along. Click About Me for more information ooc. Currently "reformed" thanks to bat-tits. Not very good at it though, you'll find he's still VERY willing to fear gas you. But supposedly he's asking for volunteers... FACE CLAIM: Benedict Cumberbatch. (Red Haired.) Current Magic Anon Status: None

6,776 posts

I swallowed hard and nodded gently, "We'll... I suppose I am an idiot, in numerous ways... Enjoy your gift..." I murmured, gave him a pained smile, and retreated. When I had returned to the safety of my Lincoln Towncar sitting outside, I started bawling, and just say in the drivers seat to cry.

When Jonathan left, Crane took his time finishing the cigarette, absorbing he nicotine and letting it fill his lungs before releasing it into the air to watch the patterns the smoke made.

No, his birthday held no special place in his heart. Dearest Granny had seen to that quite well, be regardless his eyes slide over to the wrapped package still laying on the counter.

Jonathan was different from him in so many ways. This was one of them.

He sighed, pressing the end of the cigarette out before saving what remained for later. His bones cracked as he stood, making his way over to the package, neatly opening it and folding the paper as he looked over the book. Grimm's Fairy Tales, a rather nice copy to add to his collection.

"... I'm sorry, I wanted this to be a happy moment... I had pictured a happy reunion of sorts... I ruined it again. I apologize... for the way that I am. I wish I wasn't so weak..." I trailed off, remembering how he had used to insist that I wasn't a weakling... that I was strong and bright and worth it... "If you... if you never want to see me again... I understand... I do not want anything to do with me, either..."

"Choosing our day of birth was not likely the wisest of options."

He lifted his hand, pulling his cigarette from his lips to examine it's length briefly. "I have little reason to find pleasure in this day, and what little nerves I have are inevitably going to be strained already."

"Guessss who'ssss back?" A short, familar giggle sounds out.

"... Lovely."

#seven and friends

I stood there for a while, until I had calmed, and I slowly broke away. "Thank you... would you like me to leave now?" I asked quietly, not daring to meet his gaze. I didn't want to burden him with me when he obviously didn't want to be. My heart hurt, but it could be ignored for now, until I had left. Happy birthday...

He frowned, letting his arm drop back to his side once Jonathan had pulled away. "... if it is your desire. I shall not send you away, but if you are expecting conversation... today is not a good day for such things."

I held onto him after he had given me permission. I focused hard on pretending that things weren't like this, I trembled, but found that crook that I had always rested my head on. After a while, I relaxed against him, breathing deeply. Silent.

He just held one arm about the trembling man, blowing the smoke from his cigarette upward now.

"... I only want to be held... You used to hold me all the time, after all..." I mumbled, keeping my eyes down after I opened them. I sniffled and slowly stood, leaning against the wall heavily. In the mess if my mind, I berated myself for even coming. It was a ridiculous notion. But there was no doubt that he had changed. He didn't love me anymore... I bit back another sob.

He sighed heavily, before taking another drag from his cigarette. "... Very well." He doubted that would be all the other desired, but for now, he would give that.

"... Yes?" I asked quietly, eyes shut, still rocking myself to find some semblance of comfort in myself. Despite how much I hated myself, I would still attempt to find comfort in myself. Always. After all, it was all I had for so many years...

"... I cannot give to you what it is you desire. I am not the man you believe me to be."

He reached up to pull the cigarette from his lips, rolling it about in his fingers before returning it for another deep inhale.

I closed my eyes tightly, "... You are hurting me..." I whispered, referring to his words. In an attempt to appeal to whatever humanity the man had left for me, I began to hum the same song as he had hummed for me. The Pan's Labyrinth lullaby. I rocked myself back and forth gently.

He sighed, slumping forward over his knees. "Jonathan..." He muttered the name, to tired of this to do more at the moment.

I failed at holding that tearful giggle back, "You are failing to realize that I spent years feeling nothing but pain and fear. Emotions are overwhelming, especially when one has no idea how to properly regulate them." I managed out, scooting away along the wall from the smoke.

He arched an eyebrow. "I fail to realize?" He smashed down the anger that statement evoked, instead taking another breath from his cigarette, letting the nicotine help calm him.

"You forget to whom you speak. I understand better than any other here the pain you have faced. Our methods of dealing with such pain were clearly different, and I see that mine was likely the superior."

I flinched at the cigarette and backed away as if I wouldn't inhale the smoke from there. "I failed? Yes, I do that quite often..." I muttered bitterly. I had pictured this very differently... a happy moment for the two of us. I had failed in that as well. My mind slipped off as I backed up against the wall and slid down, sobbing. "Why can't I do anything right?!"

He sighed, releasing a stream of smoke as he did.

"Because you are allowing your emotions to rule you. You will likely find your life to be easier should you cease that."

I put my arms around myself tightly, holding myself as if it would comfort me the same. "... I am breaking again, and it appears that this time, you've no interest in helping me..." I mumbled. "I apologize, and I still love you... if it's worth anything..." I looked around to see if I could find a trace of Detective, but it would appear he was currently out. I turned my gaze downward, waiting for him to dismiss me.

He refused to hold it off any longer, and reached into his pocket to retrieve a package of cigarettes. This would be required.

"You still fail to see the point of what I have told you... but I shall show patience as well. I do not doubt that you will understand in time."

"This isn't how you get me to stay..." I whispered, trailing off again. I shifted uncomfortably, still trembling. "More? You loved me... once..." I murmured, the words tearing from my throat painfully.

"I have warned you as well. I am not an overly emotional man. I have a rather specific focus in the realm of emotions, and while fear does have a base to all other things, I must also recognize it is not the only motivator, though a truly powerful one.

You have taken me from my element, Jonathan."

I stared at him silently for several minutes, hurt. "But-... But-..." I trailed off and let that sentence die. "... So... you don't... want to be my friend anymore...?" My voice shook more, thoughts haphazard.

He sighed. "You fail to see the point of this. I warn because I would prefer to continue to have your company. I did not kill you because I do care for you more than the rest of these... people."

"... You would have killed me... Exactly which thing would you have killed me for?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly. I worried at the sleeves of my thermal top.

"The same thing you have asked forgiveness for in the past. The slight you gave when I treated Sherlock as I deemed fit.

Accept that our relationship changed that day, though not nearly as much as you seem to have believed with how you cringe.

I would have killed a great many people. I found, over the years that it solved many problems quite... neatly."

I trembled before him, as if he were some sort of executioner. It hurt. It hurt and I didn't like this at all. "But... But you were always kind to me..." I said quietly, sounding like a confused child.

"An outlier. As stated before, I forgive you. I shall not forget. If it happens again, then forgiveness will not come as readily.

I am still showing you kindness, Jonathan. Were you any other, I would have simply killed you."

I flinched at his tone and shied away from him then, this was... different. "For... for now...?" He must have been very angry then... this was so different... I swallowed hard and wondered if he even considered me a friend anymore. For the first time, I admitted to myself that I felt... afraid of him... If it did happen again... not that it would, but would he really...? I felt a shiver make its way up my spine.

"I may forgive, Jonathan, rare though it may be, but you know as well as I that forgetting is another thing entirely. To forget a slight is to merely ask for it to be repeated against you.

You mistaken me for a kind man, Jonathan. I am not."

I nodded gently and stepped into the hug, "Ever since Mommy retired back to the gaming industry?" I nodded gently, and then paused, "Detective, sorry." I mumbled, blushing. "The twins are due in a little over a month now, Judge Jonathan and I are engaged to be married now." I said with a warm smile as I relaxed into the taller man's still familiar hold. "And... I am... sorry... for the way that I treated you..."

He arched an eyebrow at the ... 'mommy' reference but opted not to comment as he wrapped one long arm about the man.

"... Yes, though not only that it is simply... quiet." He glanced down now, only tolerating the man's touch so long because of who he was. "I suppose the appropriate course of action is a congratulations on both accounts,

and... your apology is accepted... for now. I trust it shall not happen again." It was not a question.

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