It’s been a long time. Very long.
Guess I just got busy and forgot about you.
About this. I guess I haven’t felt the need.
So many things have happened.
My spirit animal, my cat, my first love.
By baby, he was 10 1/2 years old.
I didn’t have the money to buy his insulin.
I didn’t have the money for the vet to bring him back.
I failed him. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.
He was so happy to see me, he wanted a can of food.
He threw up, I cleaned it up. I didn’t give him what he wanted.
He got sick very fast within a few hours.
Then he couldn’t eat anymore. He couldn’t drink anymore.
I brought him to the vet and didn’t have to money to keep him there to get what he needed like last time.
I let him down. He relied on me and I wasn’t able to provide.
I should have just over drafted and got your medicine.
I thought I had a few more days. It’s all my fault.
Your organs where shutting down. You were suffering.
They wanted to put you down but I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t do it financially or mentally. I miss you.
I miss you so much. I need you so badly.
I’ve needed you since the day you left. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry your last days were as miserable as they are.
I’m so selfish and you suffered for it. Loki. My baby.
My spirit animal. My soul mate. You were always there for me.
I didn’t deserve how amazing you where. You loved me.
You deserved better than me. I’m sorry you got stuck with me.
You weren’t just a cat. We had a connection that others could see.
You were supposed to live and see all my children before you left.
I still had so many plans for us.
You didn’t get to meet this new baby. He was in NICU.
He was there for 5 1/2 weeks. It was so scary.
So lonely. I knew it was going to be hard.
But it was way harder than I thought it would be.
I went to bed alone almost every single night.
I cried myself to sleep watching him on my phone.
It would have been easier to handle with you here.
You always had my back and you where always there for me when I was struggling.
You could always tell when I wasn’t okay.
You would come to me and say hi and love me.
You would run against me and make me pet you.
You would always let me hold you close to me and cry.
I’m still not okay. I’ve been up and down “okay”.
I feel so useless and so empty.
So undeserving of any of the good I have.
Who do I think I am to deserve anything? I can’t even do anything.
I can’t contribute anything I don’t do anything.
I’m not working. I can’t even cook dinner and clean everyday at the LEAST.
I feel like I can’t give the proper attention to anybody at home.
I’m not doing anything right. I can’t do anything right.
Everything makes me angry. I can’t handle anything.
Other people can do it so why can’t I?
I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with me?
All I can do is come up with excuses.
I’m already 3 and a half months postpartum.
I had 5 and a half weeks to prepare and do stuff at home.
But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t. I didn’t do that I needed to.
I didn’t do that I should have. And now I just always feel overwhelmed.
It’s just excuse after excuse. I don’t have patience for anything.
What’s the point of living?
Who am I to think I deserve things I like.
But what’s the point? To like things and sort of feel good sometimes and then die?
So what was it all for? To go to heaven? Then what?
What’s the point of existing at all? I don’t want to die.
But why am I alive? I have purpose just because I have offspring.
The purpose to make them happy and take care of them.
But i can’t even so that properly. I can’t do anything properly.
Always angry. Never doing enough. Not doing it right.
I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
My oldest wants/needs my attention but so does my baby.
But so does my husband. But I’m so tired. But why?
He works everyday and I stay home everyday.
I feel angry because he doesn’t help me more around the house or with the kids.
But he’s the one working and we are barely making it to pay rent and bills.
But since he’s working and I’m not, why am I having such a hard time doing what I’m doing?
Seriously what are my excuses? I have none. No good ones.
No left excuses or reasons to be the way that I am.
The audacity to feel this way and take it out on others.
I’m so ashamed and embarrassed and I hate myself.
I feel so empty and alone right now.
I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it.
I love my spouse and he works so hard why can’t I appreciate that openly to him?
But at the same time I don’t feel like I can go to him with this.
It’s just me making excuses to be lazy and moody.
Everyone else will judge or just tell me I am doing a good job.
If I was then I wouldn’t be treating anyone the way that I do.
If I was doing a good job then my son wouldn’t have to ask me for my attention.
If I was doing a good job I wouldn’t be yelling at my husband and sons.
If I was going a good job I would have more patience and kindness towards my family.
If I was doing a good job I wouldn’t make everyone wash their own dishes.
If I was doing a good job then I would do what I need to do without complaining or being snarky.
If I was doing a good job then my house would be clean.
If I was doing a good job then I wouldn’t be depressed or hating myself.
If I was doing a good job then I would be eating healthier and working out.
If I was doing a good job I wouldn’t be so lazy.
If I was doing a good job I would be doing all the house stuff on my own.
If I was doing a good job then I wouldn’t feel ‘depressed’ and I wouldn’t be rapidly gaining weight.
I wouldn’t feel disgusted with myself.
If I was doing a good job then I would be able to take care of everyone.
If I was doing a good job then I would already have a routine.
I would be able to do any housework while holding a baby.
If I was doing a good job then I would already be healed from the cesarean.
If I was doing a good job, it would show.
If I was doing a good job then I wouldn’t be too tired.
If I was doing a good job I would be kinder.
If I was, then I wouldn’t feel too exhausted to handle anyone or anything else.
yousharknotpass
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