The Bad Is Over

People usually hear my story and reassure me that the worst is over and only good things are in store for the rest of my life. I haven't decided if that's peoples way of coping with my story or the truth and meaning of hope.. See... I've been a foster kid since 12, enduring child abuse, loss of my parents, family, and best friend. I graduated high school at Mountain View and becoming a college student at CWI. I want to encourage people who battle a world that's not all rainbows. Your not alone...

[notready2saygoodbye]

I can be loved and I can blog

Life has been so good. So crazy, messed up, scary, but just good! No matter what my story has been so far i'm no where near the end of my book. There are so many unknown chapters. I'm just finally on a good chapter. 

I know it's been a while but if you recall I had been on this whole search for faith. I watched paster Bob's podcast every Monday. After his 8 truths I sorta stopped listening to him. I think I needed some of it to settle in and take place into my life. I wanted to love and be loved and had no idea how. After many nights with Tonna we've come to the hard fact that when your not exposed to love it's hard to let love into your life, let alone love back. 

It's actually a struggle for me. A struggle I had never realized. I never knew that I felt so awkward saying goodnight to people or receiving hugs. I knew how easy it was for me to get angry and shut people out. I never knew how much I blew people off, who tried to want to know me and love me even when they haven't done anything to hurt me. I think i've always told myself it was me being shy, not realizing It was me shutting out the chance to be loved

Especially having my own place! I've never felt so independent... so free! I made myself so scared to go into it. I also felt if I took the chance of having my own place it'd mean I'd loose Tonna who has been such a mentor. Instead she comes as much as she can and brings me yummy treats just for an excuse to hug me and tell me how incredible I am, which is just so amazing. I wish she could have been my foster mom years ago. I'm so glad i'm inspiring her to sign up to be a foster parent. She has truly been a blessing in my life. 

I lost my urge to blog because I felt like it was so unimportant to others. After an angry foster mom left me some mean messages I felt like my journaling wasn't any good. I let her get to me. However, just like her I have another view point to speak on. One point from which is usually ignored in the foster system, the child. I'm an adult now. I'm a survivor now. I will blog because there has been one hater and 6 people who've shown love after hearing my words. 2 of which are foster children so scared to let there own voices be heard. I'm sorry if my words hurt you. I'm sorry if my story sits funny with you. It's a story thats set on my heart and been untold for years because of the shame I felt by it. Someones chapters in there book shouldn't be shamed. It shouldn't be judged. It should be read. It should teach you another view to life. We all have chapters. we are all just one book from the time we are born till the time we die. I want to choose to share my chapters, the good and bad.  

[notready2saygoodbye]

My own place

I hate the feeling of being so excited and so incredibly scared! 

I've said for weeks now that things will work out the way they were meant to. I have waited on the wait list for BSU housing. I've thought of investing time into learning to drive and staying with my sister. I've even put a deposit down at an apartment with my awesome new work pal Mikayla. Nothing seemed to work out quite right until yesturday when I got the email with my new BSU townhouse information! YAHHH! I'm so stink in excited! 

Then theres this part of me thats so terrified. What if I can't pay rent. What stuff will I need. Like I highly doubt the kitchen is stocked with pots and pans and stuff! Theres three other girls living there i'm sure there parents will help but I can't rely on other people and there parents! What about my room or my own bathroom?! the little things like soap and paper towels.. it's just so much! 

I told a couple people so far and every reaction is different. My foster moms was cold and just like don't expect me to visit. my sisters was well cool. Tonna's was like OH MY GOSH!!!! I"M SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!! with SO many hugs :) and my aunt was like AHHH i'll buy whatever you need EVEN a mattress. So it's been pretty cool.

I'm way more excited then actually scared. I've dreamed of this. When living with my mom in that world of just blah i'd find my happy place by imagining the day I could have the choice of what to eat and where to sleep. I'm finally here! I've taken back my life from my ten year old self. I have a few fears going into this but I can't focus on them because the overall factor in this is that i'm not going to be a statistic of a homeless foster child who never graduated. As Tonna say's i'm a survivor and it's about time I start owning it and living through it. 

I can't thank enough of my new friends out there and mentors... I feel loved.. i'm not scared i'll be alone in this world because of all of you. so just thanks... even the small things people have done have just gotten me through some really sucky of times. 

[notready2saygoodbye]

My Hurt

 I'm still here. I'm still okay. Weeks have felt like one long day that just won't end. Nights have felt like a daytime I can't pass. I have tried to write how it is I feel and every time I did the word were almost to overwhelming. Truth is I hate my feelings I hate hurting, heck who doesn't? 

See I can live in a shelter. I can be scared alone and get through a night with a few tears and an empty heart. Cause I know it's just me hurting and it's something I can fix, something I can control. My sister alone, in the place I choose to not ever go back to. In the care of a monster. I just can't fix it. 

I was cleaning the bathroom at work thinking what Robbie would say to her. What she'd do to my sister and I looked at the mirror and was just so angry with myself! 

So angry that I never went back to Tonna's. I went to the shelter one of the nights and just cried in the bathroom for a few hours. I hate crying. I usually can't cry. It reminds me of everything horrible from when I was younger. That's a totally another story for another time. I thought i'd never stop crying just like the day my dad died. Though this time there were no nurses to pick me up off the ground and a social worker begging me to get into the car to go back to my foster home. it was just me. Or that's the way it felt. 

I guess I believed if my sister had no home and no one then thats exactly what I deserved. that following night I decided to see my sister. I showed up. She was so excited to see me. She was even super talkative. but when I went to her the room the room with a lock on the outside of her door to keep her from the food. Which for her safety the food is suppose to be locked up. That never meant she was suppose to be locked up like an animal. My mom did that to her when we were younger so I blew up. I was already full of so much anger from the things said and done to me this last year that I went off on Robbie. I just yelled how horrible she was and how stupid she was and I even threw a plate. Not at anyone but just to feel like I was being heard. She was so calm and asked me to leave. I laid at the park in the stupid tunnel and cried even more. 

I looked at my phone where my phone showed new friends making plans with me and Tonna begging me to come home. So I held my phone tight to my chest and was able to actually sleep. A couple days later and  I went to a picnic with some friends. A picnic that gave me these feeling to just go back to Robbie's, because I needed to say sorry. And because shelters were locked up by 6:00 and really just wanted to be with my sister. Even though my sister was special needs she had been there to comfort me after my mom hurt me. Robbie never hurt me, not the way my mom did. I wasn't yelling at Robbie that night. I was yelling old feelings I never yelled at my mom.

So showing up, I del a little scared. She hugged me and told me she was in AA for real. that she was sorry, that she deserved the words I told her. She tried to tell me once the whiskey bottle hit the wall the one day she knew she was no longer in control. Her daughter told me that having my sister with kara Robbie's special needs daughter had been really great for them. The locks were off her room, and my sister Danielle was happy. A happy I haven't seen her in a while.  Robbie told me she didn't take my sister to hurt me but to make up for how she had hurt me. I couldn't say anything. I just left because I guess its what I do best... I just walked and walked. Before I realized I had no where I was actually walking to. So I took it all in and called Tonna. 

She told me she was around the corner and picked me up within ten minutes. She told me she called the shelter. That she already knew. We got to the house after a quiet car ride. She went into her kitchen and handed me some cleaners. She told me if I wasn't going to talk then I needed to do what I do to cope. So I just started cleaning and she silently cleaned with me at like midnight. I finally just started saying all these feelings. All these feeling I had no idea that were there. she came next to me and just hugged and we talked it out. 

Since then she's begged me to write what I said, but honestly i'm not sure what all I said. All I know is I run away to much and even trying to consciously love and be loved is harder then I thought, because I have to stay around to be loved when it hurts the most. I didn't know how hard it would be to let people in that I love that I know are trying to help. It sounds so easy saying I can break this wall and that wall but so much harder to stick to it. I'm so glad to have Tonna and new friends in my life. I don't need a home and a family to feel like God is hearing me. I have people who are showing me love. I'll get through it day by day..... 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Missing her

I know I'm knocking walls down and finding this new way of life. 

but I can't stop hurting for my sister. She can't grow these walls. She's special needs and she has no idea whats happening to her. It's her third home in a month. She's never had to move to another place since we moved to foster care. I remember how I first felt. I remember how badly I missed her. ahhh now i'm going to cry writing this! 

it's just I remember how hard those first moves were. How I knew those families sent me away. I felt like the biggest piece of trash. Now my sister who's 26 has to feel that way and she will have to till she dies or till I can find out how to take care of her, and I don't even know how to take care of myself. At least when i was 12 I had an ending date to my prison sentence in foster care, I knew I could bail out at 18. She can't... 

it'd make it all easier if I could just see her! If her caregivers could just let me see her. But every time I've called she's being punished throwing fits. No duh! You took her from everything she's ever known! I was 12 and throwing shoes at my foster mom for not getting in her car and driving me to my abusive mother. It was the only thing I knew. At 13 my mom didn't show up the visitation again, I threw a whole box of cookies against the wall. So yeah my sister who has the mind of an 8 year old is angry! I just wish I can hug her and tell her that I'm sorry that I can't save her from this pain. 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Stuck in The Elevator

Yes... stuck in the elevator for over 30 minutes made me realize how grateful I am. I know I contradict some of my post from day to day. I want my true feelings here. Some days  everything catches up with me and I feel utterly alone, even though I have peeps. It's still hard to live in the world with no family, that's all I was trying to say. 

However i've been in this, "funk" of a mood. I'm happy at work and to be going to work but it's like a 2o' clock an hr before I go home. I just get easily frustrated and I feel overwhelmed. I think it hits me that i'm not actually going to a real home right now. I don't like that me. So today I consciously tried to make this a good day. HAHHA so much so it ended up being a bad day but absolutely hilarious. 

First, getting myself jammed into an elevator. Yes, with my big maid cart and myself. I was cleaning all the vending machines and was trying to go to the 2nd floor from the third floor. I just clicked the button and I forgot to hold back my mop stick that was laying out of my cart and in the elevator doorway. So the elevator just shut on it and went down. Just stopping... not opening, AT ALL! I panicked hitting every button! Long story short I realized I get panicked in these situations and practically loose my mind. I sat there for about 3 minutes deciding what to do before realizing I had a radio to ask my manager for help without setting off an alarm! 

It was sorta funny, but I got out and was still so freaked I could barley hold a conversation. after about an hr it was quite the joke. The people who rescued me from then on out felt I owed them my life for them saving the day :P Which I so did! Don't worry I am still sane and I am still able to manage riding in an elevator. I think this is one of those once in a lifetime things so at least it won't happen again! 

besides that and walking straight into the guys bathroom without knocking (thank goodness no guy was peeing or even in the bathroom). Oh, and I sat iin grass just as the sprinklers turn on... I decided that today has gotta be a horribly unlucky day. I must have walked past a black cat. I still thought it was so entertaining that I could only laugh. I survived. I'm alright. 

Even though things are in this in between state. I know i'm okay. I know i'm safer then I was at my foster moms. I really miss my sister today. I could so use a dj hug :( 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Living On My Own.

First of all I have say I love my job. I love to work. Even though the job is absolutely tiring, it's worth it.

When I was in the system I had a PSR worker help me through ways of coping, with the foster system. The biggest skill I adopted was cleaning. I learned that it freed my mind from anger and just helped me think. Mostly it helped my mental health and pleased foster parents, enough to not send me to another home, even though I was incredibly quiet. 

I choose to be on my own for almost a week now... my mind couldn't take anymore verbal abuse. I couldn't take the stress of her rules and just her way of life. It's really hard to explain it in a small paragraph but my foster mom was becoming violent. I've only needed that one time in my life. So i'm gone for good. 

I wish I could say being on my own was the best decision i've made, but i'd be lying. I'm so scared. I feel so incredibly alone. I can't even get a place yet. With no credit, little work history, and no real pay check yet.. I can't get a place yet. So, i've stayed at the shelter and crashed in friend's cars. The shelter even though I have a job has been tough to handle. Being criminalized because I have no place and nobody just about sets me into tears every time I have to shake out my bra and be searched for head lice. Like some dirty drug addict. I hate that feeling! Work has helped though. Having a place where they think i'm completely normal and wearing a smile has just helped. I'm needed there. I'm wanted, at least there. This feeling of being alone, is absolutely heart crushing. 

I've applied to BSU, i'm just kinda waiting on what they can offer. I've also started to look into finding some kinda roommate situation where they can sign the lease and have co signers or something. It's a slow going process because i'll need a deposit and all that stuff. 

I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful for the friends who have tried to be there for me, in the best way they can. it's just harder then thought not having a family support. When I get off work I have no one to tell my stories to. Or when I get my acceptance letter from BSU, it will come to the shelter. I think the worst feeling is that I could disappear and no one would ever know I even existed. 

I hate being on my own. I hate living life alone. I hate what foster care has done. But i'm trying to find a new beginning.. I just need a new beginning with a happy ending. 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Optimism

I did it again. Where I promise myself I’ll blog and blog and then I just don’t and don’t… Ya know! So now I have to much to say!

I’ve had a great first week working my official 40 hrs! Apparently, I’ve been hired for a whole half a month… How crazy is that?! My coworkers are amazing! I’ve learned quite a bit. Like ones from Africa and is a refugee after her whole family was eaten my tigers in front of her. She considers herself lucky because, she is actually one of the few who were lucky to be educated in Africa. As much as our foster system sucks at least I was educated. I don’t know it kinda made me feel lucky to have the life I’ve had.

Ahhh and my managers are both super obsessed with Disney! More then the dang cartoons. I haven’t been raised with Disney. My first Disney was like Cinderella in high school for a project and Cassie made me watch the lion king last year! Besides that I saw frozen. I just don’t like the Idea that we sell kids the fact that every story has a happy ending. But then again I could see how messed up it’d be if There was a bomb that’d go off and the princesses would blow. It’s just I don’t know I guess it makes kids who don’t have a great life feel totally unnormal. I think it would be anyways… I don’t know. Maybe it’s good and keeps kids optimistic on life. Anyways I was sent home with a list of movies I have to see of Disney to be exposed!

So while I’ve rested my poor legs that are forever sore, I’ve watched my favorite old series…. Gilmore girls! Ya, I wasn’t ready for Disney to come into my life quite yet! Plus Melissa McCarthy from her earlier days is just awesome to watch! To think I loved her before she was ever a complete bad a! This show has taught me everything I know about relationships to a family to love! Ahhh I use to wish id find a mom just like lorali. I’ll move to a bit of Disney tomorrow maybe :P

Works been great though! I’m still very happy with it. It sure wears me out but I refuse to give up! Home life has gotten worse but I pretty much counted on that. I’ll put another update on that in a bit.

[notready2saygoodbye]

Maybe i'm crazy...

maybe it makes me crazy, but life has been so good! I know I have bad days, heck who doesn't! Sometimes it's easier to vent about everything bad, but I think it just makes you forget about the good. I think it keeps you safe to expect bad... so when bad things happen you'll be already expecting it. Maybe it's just me... but I need to let go of my disfunction's in life and grab ahold of the GOOOD and new things in my life!

My job has been absolutely tiring... but worth every minute! I just feel so great!Today was my official starting date to working full time! YAY! It was pretty awesome! Even throwing a bag of beer into the big garbage crusher and dumping beer all of myself... was quite entertaining! OHHHH I even found this guys wallet he left in the bathroom... he came back for it and asked to meet me and gave me 20 bucks! heck ya! It was just a great feeling! 

It's crazy! I really haven't talked a bunch here... but I feel I belong. I feel this sense of belonging for once! At the end of the day when I go back to my foster moms... it just doesn't matter what she has to say to me. It just doesn't hurt as much anymore. 

I know I'm having a hard time figuring out how to get to work. I just know it will all work itself out. It's meant to work out! it's meant to just be okay for once! I can feel it! I'm not giving up on the good... 

[notready2saygoodbye]

My Job

Ahhhh It's been forever since i've got to journal and my days have sorta just meshed together now! I hate when that happens! 

Work has been amazing! I worked 6 hrs my first day with my manager Brandy who is super nice! She trained me and the next day i did it all alone for 9 hours. So i've officially worked my first 15 hrs! I'm seriously so excited nothing can bring my level of happiness down! I feel like another person even. I'm just able to go back to myself and hold my tears, and face my reality better without feeling so crappy about it. If that makes any sense? 

So ya... i'm cleaning a set of bathrooms, which I don't mind. Cleaning halls, vending areas, LOTS OF WINDOWS, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the pool room, gym room, and guest laundry. As well as delivering things to rooms. So it's a lot of running around and scrubbing! 

I meet the main manager everyone is super afraid of tomorrow... I'm a little nervous. I don't know, if she's scary just because she can tell you when your work sucks... I won't have a problem. I've had two foster moms now that were those kinds of people. So I guess I'm just more immune to it. we'll see! 

Ohhh I wear this really ugly shirt its kind of like a scrub top... but it's like gray and I wear black pants so it's just super dull looking! So I figure i'll try to wear earrings and keep my nails painted for some kinda color! 

[notready2saygoodbye]

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I DID IT... I DID IT.... I DID IT!!! I have been so excited since 8 clock this morning, when I was told I was going to be hired!!! AHHHHhH!!!! I don't think its normal to be this excited to go get drug tested tomorrow... like I am! I just can't believe it! I'll be a housekeeper at the marriot hotel downtown! I have literally been amazed all day! No, seriously I was skipping downtown! 

I just can't believe how fast it all worked out. I've felt really crummy and just worthless, the past few days, and it just showed me that things are meant to get better! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm going to work tomorrow to hear the details but, it sounds like i'll be working full time for 9 something an hour! I feel like a little kid that just won a special award :P I have called and texted everyone I know thats helped me with all this. Just trying to let out some of the excitement, so I don't show up tomorrow looking this excited for a job! 

Maybe it's normal to be this excited for a first real job. For me it just showed me true hope. I can finally look at apartments and houses and imagine a home I can let myself call home! I won't have to worry weather i'm putting a friend out by staying or ruining their evening plans. I won't have to put up with the mean words by my foster mom. I'll be free... 

I'm just amazed...

[notready2saygoodbye]

Hope, Aging Out, and Job

I haven't been able to write because whatever came out was mean and hateful and I just can't be that person. Life has rained grenades and it's broken my wall of strength. I was kicked out (again). I lost my sister (we've never had much of a relationship). I've always had a dysfunctional family, i'm use to the drama within my siblings, but it didn't mean what she had said wasn't any less hurtful. Being kicked out on a weekly basis by someone who is meant to love me has just hurt ( I know i've said that a lot). 

I don't think normal people understand foster parents. I have walked on egg shells with every foster home. If I was a normal 13 year old and yelled at a foster home I would have been kicked out the following day (like several foster siblings). Granted when my mom died I was a brat to a fostering gay couple. They were two females who had no patience for attitudes. After my mom died, I didn't care about anyone anymore. So slamming my door, yelling, not eating anything they cooked, got me thrown out pretty quick! When I was 15 and had hmwk to do I told my foster father, John I was to busy to babysit that night and he actually told me he was too busy to be my father. The next day I was being moved to a new home. So I mean there was a lot of homes I always had to watch where I went, what I said, and what I was doing, fearing another move, another change.

Normal parents have to love a child, there is no return policy. Even if you hate your parents and are 18 exploring your independence you still have a home to go to when everything else fails. The realty is foster kids don't. If they do it's the very family they were taken. The very family that had drug, violence, and abuse problems. If they have no family, when there independence fails, they have a couple nights at friends and homeless shelters. Unfortunately, a foster child sticks to the same horrible statistic of following bad paths like prison, drugs and babies. 

So to all you foster kids... if your anything like me...  

I know the idea of turning 18 and embracing your independence sounds amazing. It's so scary though. The world everyone has warned you about, is just as scary as they say. If the system hasn't given up hope on finding you a forever home, it's not to late. Don't give up on being loved! Let your wall down quit being so gosh darn stubborn and just let someone hug you and tell you that your worth loving in this world. The friends you think can be your family support will all be moving to school, finding husbands, new career paths and before long they'll loose your number... They don't mean to they still love you, but they have a family to love them. 

For all you aging out...   I don't mean to scare you. One day i'll have a home, and you can just crash at my place. You will grow in a world a little different, leaving you to cherish, real friendships, people, community, and belongings. I'll help you not be a statistic and you can help me change some of the polices in foster care.   

I'm making it through truly... i'm doing good at this homeless thing. I have been applying and calling around like crazy for a job! Today I finally got my first call back!!!! Downtown at the Marriot maid position!!! I was so excited it was truly amazing. I did my first interview and it seemed really promising. So... I hope it really was and they don't just make everyone feel like they got it :P SO i'm super excited for new opportunities in my life. I'm not taking the time to remember bad memory's but cherishing the new ones made. I know I keep saying this... but things can only go up so theres hope, I feel it. 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Lifes Good!

Ahhhhh!!!! The semester is done. I didn't cry on Tuesday either! I have been way too emotional for my own human good. NO seriously, I opened up my grades this morning and somehow on my sociology test I got a 66% which made me scoot by the class with an 80%... I sat there and just cried. I promised myself that I could only get A's and B's in college that this would be different then high school. I was willing to except a c in sociology but I was still disappointed in myself. Now I'm just so happy! 

I'm sad that schools over but i'm so excited for fall. I just know by fall everything will be okay. I'll be living in a place, have a job, and not ever have to worry about the rug being pulled from under my feet again.  I'll also have Tona as a math teacher by fall too!!!

I've called on 4 really great in home jobs... all which ended up needing a car for some kind of transportation. One of those was a lady who was wheel chair bound and told me she'd still keep me in mind. So i'm fixing up my resume tomorrow. In hopes of turning my resume into a few places on my way to Nampa to return the last of my school books. 

I got to see my aunt last night. Which just felt good.. I love hearing how proud she is of me. I'm getting along with my foster mom the past few days even.I know she's no place I can look at for permanency. It's just so refreshing to say that it's going good! That for a brief second she can show me some kind of care over me.  I'm overall just so excited for whatever this summer is going to bring me! 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Religion

What day! what a great weekend though. I truly have some awesome people in my life and i'm learning that more and more each day! I had awesome laughs with new friends. I just had a great time. I can't say enough, how thankful I am for the people that have came into my life. 

I went to church today. I know I haven't talked about a lot of my background with religion on here. Religion is something i'm pretty unfamiliar to. I just never grew up with any religion. My family came from a mormon background and I knew of God. When I was first taken into foster care I'd sit in the bathroom and beg God for hours to take me back to my mom. Like just somehow God would magically knock on the door and sweep me away. I lived in a lot of fantasy land. I just never knew much about religion itself. Until a few years ago I always thought God and Jesus as one person. I've never really read a bible much less understood it. Once my dad died my little relationship I had with God wasn't healthy. It has been easier to hate him for letting me go through this. It's easier to yell then to pray and ask for help. It's easier to believe he's against me then to believe any of this has some purpose. 

So anyways the service today was obviously about mothers day. I thought the paster would say mushy stuff about how awesome moms are. Instead it felt like he was speaking to me. There was so much about love and nurture and the fact that God can still be there for me when no one else is. I know i'm not saying it as sentimental as he had said it. I had lost it when he talked about being a church family and loving each other for those who have no one. He even through in a comment of why blame God for what your going though.  I couldn't hold it anymore.  It was overwhelming that so much of what he was talking about applied to me. I was also holding the back the feelings of just missing the idea of a mom. A person who has to love you. A person that you can yell at and don't have to have the fear of being kicked out of a home. A mom who can hug you and tell you your pretty. A mom who can remind you of all your great qualities. A mom comes with so much. I know my mom wouldn't have been capable of half of those qualities but I knew I was loved... maybe not nurtured but she had a way of loving me. I cried in a huge room full of too many people to be crying in front of! It was pretty embarrassing. At the same time it felt good to miss my mom in a way. It felt good to remember to let my wall down a little. I got some awesome hugs from Sarah's mom and all was good.

It just has me thinking a lot today. I feel like I was just meant to hear what the paster was saying. It was crazy.. I had no doubt that God was there.. I've just always known he's been there. I've never doubted God's existance, but i've also never loved and tried to make a healthy relationship with him either. So for the first time in a while I just prayed... I told him how I seriously felt. I know that the people in my life, who are helping me through this mess, probably have something to do with him. I had him to thank for instead of yell at. Of course i'd love a loving home and a job but tonight I just thanked him. My goal is to get to know religion more this year. 

Besides having a great weekend and an emotional Sunday. I had a horrible Friday.. I came back to my foster moms in hopes of getting some of my stuff. I know I should just clean my hands and walk away. I just can't help but know it's a home... a home I should be welcomed in. I've never done a thing to her. She just told me the meanest things again on Friday. She tried to tell me my brother was locked up and she had him locked up because he came over or whatever. Which I thought my brother was locked up for drug stuff. Saturday he called and he didn't seem to be locked up but it was nice to hear from him... even if it was just to ask me for a favor. anyways she tried to tell me that I am genetically doomed to be an abusive druggie like my mother and brother... I took it in I didn't engage with the anger i felt. I held it in and got my stuff packed and left as she had asked me to. I even came back and cleaned today since she held a lot of my stuff hostage. She says she'll pay me... we'll see. She was at least really nice while she was here and actually asked me to spend the night because she wanted to spend the night at her son's house. So that was even decent of her. All is pretty good other then my sociology test tomorrow. I have so much studying to do tonight and tomorrow morning. I had to much on my mind to really focus on it this weekend. I can't believe this is the last week of school.... 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Downtown Happy!

I love downtown it seriously puts me in such a great mood. I had great girls time with Tara downtown especially! She has truly taught me what a great friend is. We had green tea ice cream to wash away sadness and this morning we had brie bites at smoky mountain and those are absolutely incredible! 

The only thing is I had so much fun I didn't work so hard on my paper. However... it's all layed out and its now 4 pages so it went somewhere. I'm just need to email him and hopefully get to turn it in this Monday which will give me more time to make it a better paper. 

Bsu wifi in the student union is absolutely free ohhh and there booth seat are amazingly comfy like sitting on a bed! I almost fell asleep working on my paper there. Let's see... still no job not that i'm doing well with searching because I just need to finish up this last week of school. The rain is B-E-A-utiful today ( I watched Bruce Almighty last night) 

Bus riding tip don't ever ride when your bladder is full you feel like your going to explode and die in front of everyone. Plus when the bus finally stops and you let out a sign in relief to get off your kinda looked at weird. Hahah I don't think i've ever had to go so bad! 

On a plus side i'm fixing up my resume and going to REALLY job hunt this week! I swear everyone is hiring. I'm thinking I can pick up a night shift and a day shift so I can pull of like 60-80 hours a week so I can actually afford an apartment. Hopefully! If not I will start with whatever I can get and just do something else to earn the cash. I'm sad schools coming to an end but happy i'll have the time for a job so I can really get on my feet. 

Tonight I go to Robbie's (my foster mom) hopefully to talk things out. Get some of my stuff back even. I just need it to go well. I really have no place left especially after next week when Tara moves out of her dorm. 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Screwed.

AHHHHH!!!! Loosing my mind here, don't mind me! I have my last english paper due in 24 hours with one very rough paragraph done! I have my sociology test on Monday I HAVE to get at least a 70 to pass the class with an 80%! 

Ohhh did I mention I have no cloths now! Yep... apparently ignoring my foster mom Tuesday made her mad. Showing up to get some of my stuff out last night she told me it was gone. She even let me go into the room to see it completely emptied. There's not a thing I can do. Yay me! Good thing I had a small duffle bag of cloths at a friends. This is going to make job interviews even better. 

My awesome aunt is in town and wants to buy me some cloths anyways. So.. hopefully I can resolve some of that, this beautiful afternoon. 

I'm back to taking this with just humor. My brother is apparently locked up.. AGAIN. So I hope his daughter is okay.. and that he can get out and shape up this time. Who am I kidding I hope they have him in there for a whole month so he can detox and realize he's an addict. 

Life is complicated. I need to finish this paper and possibly accept a C in my sociology class. Cloths aren't everything.. i'll live. Well I am living but I need to stop thinking of cloths as my biggest problem. 

My favorite class is next hour we are suppose to have a pot luck paper party. I can't exactly bring anything and I think my paper sucks. I feel like I just shouldn't go. Maybe I should sit out here and do my paper. I just love Tona and that class but I don't want to sit there awkward with nothing to offer. Blahhhh it's the stupid shyness in me. 

I'll suck it up. I'm going downtown tonight! Super excited for some girl time instead of just going crazy in my head! I think that's the best thing in nothing but stress and worry is to hang out with friends and remember that your human, not some robot on operation mode. I can crash in Tara's dorm today and I think i'll crash in the BSU library this weekend. I had no idea there open 24/7 during finals. I thought I'd check into a shelter, which says a lot because i'm pretty dam determined to not ever go back! 

Maybe the title isn't completely accurate i'm not stewed as much as i'm stressed out! Butcha probably wouldn't have read it if I said stressed out :P 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Lack Of Concentration

Dang it! I somehow have lost my concentration. I was really good and came to CWI even though theres no class just to work on work. Well work on a stupid english paper. In my defense it's a 5 page research paper on music, and I know nothing on music, I even am diverse and listen to ALL music. So it's not that I have a 5 page rant about how horrible one music genre is over another. Blahhh I guess I have a lot of research to do. Even after gage gave me the idea to write on metal music which I truly knew nothing about, I still can't get to 5 pages. I'm doomed! 

I was hoping Tona would still be here to talk to and that's not looking promising either. Oh well she'll be here Thursday. I love the weather today, it's perfectly sunny with just the perfect wind chill! I'm sad that we don't have class today I have no idea how i'll survive this summer with no classes. Ahhh I just realized my last final is Tuesday afternoon next week! This is disgusting how much I can say I love school. I hated high school but college has been so different for me. Maybe it's that school has mentally helped me knowing i'm okay, because i'm doing something right by studying and having a class to go to everyday. I'm even doing really well and might actually end with a 3.5 GPA! Which would totally rock!

This no concentration thing will kill me though.  I have like an 83 in sociology so I need to pass that final so I don't loose my B. I figure if I can type this I can totally type my paper, and spare some concentration for finals or at least my final on Monday! 

I think i'm babysitting again tonight. which means she probably cooked something awesome for dinner! I could totally use something other then granola bars! It could be a box of mac and cheese and i'd totally be seriously grateful right now! Maybe I need more water and then I can work through this dumb paper or maybe it's that I shouldn't call the paper dumb :P The day is good, I think i'm going to have a pretty great day. I can feel it! To all you college students good luck on finals! :) I'm so lucky to really only have one to stress over! 

[notready2saygoodbye]

Rough Week

 I'm still learning myself. It's been more of an experiment of being homeless to see how it is I deal with the stress. My earlier post a few days ago I had finally broke. I hope I didn't sound ungrateful. Because through this all i'm so grateful for the people in my life who've overwhelmed me with love and resources. 

Staying in a new bed a night has been tiring. i've learned that I tend to overthink things when I stay at peoples homes. I wonder if their parents really don't mind me there, or if i'm a burden on them, or that they offered me a place and just really didn't want me to take them up on it. I don't know... but I'm not use to people so willing to just give me a bed. To be okay with me staying there for nothing. One mother looked at me weird when I start cleaning. Every home has tried to welcome me and spare a couch, floor, spare bed, or resources. 

Through this journey i've learned when things get really stressful I shut down, get shy, and say i'm alright a thousand times! Seriously my conversation with Tara today after every text was i'm alright though. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince more, me or her. 

In foster care you have a bed. You have to figure out how to cope with who's your parents, missing your parents, or dealing with the new home, but you have a bed no matter what. I laid in some of those beds and dreamed when i'd be 18 and never had to deal with a placement again! I painted it to be unicorns and rainbows of my new apartment and going to school. I never imagined being worried over a bed. I could care less about the home now. Being alone is just harder. When I had social worker and advocates I never had to wonder if I disappeared if someone would miss me or report me as missing. I miss someone caring about how I am and how I feel. Never thought i'd miss parts of foster care. Guess thats like any teenage kid who grows up hating there parents and then all of a sudden miss them and want aspects of them. 

I've done really good at this homeless gig though. I'm worried about finding a job. What if it takes me three months just to find one who wants me? I found this old folks home graveyard shift that would work out well. I could even do a day shift somewhere else with it maybe. Or that mcdonalds thing. I'm not picky at this point. I just need hours to get me money for a home. I'm trying to stretch a 120 dollars till I actually have a job. i've done good at living off a big box of granola bars and water. I think I might check into the shelter Wednesday. I'd get some food and a bed and not have to worry anyone. 

I am thankful for my life. I know my journey is hard but I know i'm meant to do something with it. I've never learned until now, how much people are willing to help me. It's really cool. I know I should just let them but i'm so independent. I won't lie after everything with my foster mom I didn't see any of it coming. I can't stop but wonder if people really want me there or if they want me to adjust and pull the rug under my feet. This will pass. I'll have a good story from it. What's been getting me through is picturing me putting stones in front of my new house. Like hypothetical leaping stones till I get to a home. Soon i'll have a path way to my home i'm just building stones for the front. that probably makes no sense! but it's helped a lot. All I know is that i'm healthy and have great people on my side. I know if I open up more i'd have even more people on my side. 

So thank you for the encouragement. I'm getting there.