Today I'm thinking about the sea and C's. The weather is nice in Toronto, and I'm planning on going to the park. Took a cool shower before I left the flat, and the coolness reminded me of the countless times after a rigorous swim practice in high school that I'd take a cold shower, the cold waters of the pool hot against my skin because of sprints and laps.
I'm reminded of one day in my high school in Hong Kong, when my entire class went on a hike that ended with a day at the beach. Hiking and beaches are a staple part of living in Hong Kong, and for everyone, it was an exciting day- but for me, it was a day that caused so much anxiety.
Anxiety because I was fat. And not fat the way I am now. no, I was 100lb (almost exactly 100lb) lighter in high school than I am now. I was in the swim team, athletics team, I played basketball regularly and volleyball whenever I could. I did sports. For a period of time, I would wake up at 5:30am and go for runs before school because I was convinced it was the right thing to do. Why? Because I was a perfectionist, and every term when my report card would be sent home, I'd get all A's, in every subject, except one. Without fail I would get a C in PE. A C for effort, and a comment about how I needed to improve my cardiovascular fitness.
It was always funny to me that I'd get that C. The girl who woke up at 5:30 to go running. Who did before school swim training at 7am 2 times a week, and after school swim training 2 times a week. Who played basketball for every upper school PE lesson, and badminton, and volleyball. It was funny because I understood why I was getting that C. It was because despite it all. I was fat. In cross country, it may have taken me 6-8 minutes to swim 20 laps of our school pool, but it also took me 20 minutes to run 2.8km.
No matter how much I tried, that C would come back and haunt me every single semester. Even when I stopped eating carbs, that C would haunt me.
And that's why when our PE class went hiking and to the beach, I didn't take my swim trunks. Because while everyone else was excited to strip off their sweaty PE uniforms and go swimming after the hike, I wanted to sit in the heat with all my clothes on, and be out of the way of my PE teachers who would, no matter what I did, give me a C either way. this is a person who was literally on the swim team. who was known for being good at swimming. refusing to swim with her much thinner school friends and classmates. Who loved the beach and the sea. all because of that C.
When I was asked why I wasn't swimming, I said I had my period. My teacher told me that she had spare tampons and I could either wear one and get in the ocean, or take a C in the class. I wanted to laugh at that. I'd get a C either way, so why did it matter?
It also reminded me of what being fat in East Asian culture is like. At 82kg, and 5'9, I was definitely large. I had broad shoulders, and strong thighs, and a tummy with rolls. But looking back now, I see a healthy, hearty body, holding a miserable girl who just couldn't understand why she wasn't getting that A when she tried so hard. Was it really because my cardiovascular fitness was weak? or was it because everyone else was petite compared to me. How was it that the skinny girls in my class who could run 2.8km in 14 minutes but took 20 minutes to swim 20 laps were considered "fit and strong", but I wasn't? Why was it that I dreaded going on school trips because I knew in our dorm rooms, other students would see me change, and see my rolls and my brown girl body hair, and instead of being excited about visiting Thailand for the first time, I spent the morning hiding so that I wouldn't have to do a monkey bar obstacle course knowing that I didn't have the upper body strength to get me across.
Looking back I know now that I was fit, and strong, and great at sports, and that I did put so much effort in. And now, 10 years after graduating high school, it doesn't matter at all that I didn't get straight A's for effort in my report cards. But somewhere, the impact of those C's still bothers me.
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