sweet little guy in amsterdam, 2022
trying on a metaphor

oozey mess
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
dirt enthusiast
we're not kids anymore.
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
DEAR READER
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Kiana Khansmith
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Misplaced Lens Cap

Origami Around
Jules of Nature

roma★
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Peter Solarz

Andulka
Xuebing Du
art blog(derogatory)

seen from Italy
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from T1

seen from Malaysia

seen from Malaysia

seen from Türkiye
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Germany
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seen from T1
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@nottthesunn
sweet little guy in amsterdam, 2022
at the museum, 2022
versailles, 2022
window shopping, 2022
vyhřívaná zahrada, 2022
cherry blossom season, 2022.
golden hour in a tiny portion of copenhagen.
Fall Out Boy//Albums
(GIFs are mine, idea is from another blog I can’t remember the name of)
It’s nice to bring this back every once in a while
Guess who’s back
Your wife changes her hair color every season and her personality adjusts slightly. You’re secretly only in love with Autumn wife. She just came home sporting her Winter color.
it’s my fault. it’s just that when we met it was autumn; her red-orange hair and crackling laughter. there’s a little spooky in her, a lot of play. and what a better time for falling?
i didn’t realize it for the first few years - something shifting, something so subtle. the winter makes us all cold, the summer makes us all a little out of our minds. i just loved her, because she was incredible, and i was the luckiest person alive.
it’s just that i realized that spring came with sudden bursts of cold. it’s just that summer frequently raged in with fire sprouting from her lips. it’s just that winter was the worst of all, her eyes dead. it’s just that autumn loves me different; throws herself into it without the clingy sweat of summer. i used to love that summer girl, you know? i loved how wild she was, the way in summer she took every risk she could. but i carried her home drunk one too many times, cleaned up one too many of the messes she made for no reason than to enjoy the sensation of burning. and winter was worse; the shutdown, the isolation. how she became distant, a blizzard, caught up in her own head, unable to tell me what was wrong and unable to think i actually wanted to listen.
she comes home, her hair bleached white. a dark smile on her lips. the shadowy parts of her are back. they loom like icicles overhead. she kisses me with her body held at a distance, a peck on my cheek that feels like an iceberg. she makes polite conversation and we go to bed early, our bodies untouching.
it is a lonely season, i think on the ninth day of this. winter is cold. winter is known for the death of things. when i look at her, i see the girl i fell for, inhabited by an alien. she was the first women i loved so much i felt it would kill me. i can’t leave. when i wake her up with my crying, she tells me to shush and go back to sleep. she’s different like this, quiet, doesn’t eat.
three days later i stare at myself in the mirror. i wonder if it’s me. if the fat on my body or something in my face or the wrinkles and she doesn’t love me. i try prettier lingerie, lean cuisine, i try different hair, more makeup, try harder. it doesn’t work. she looks at me the same; that empty gaze that neither loves nor condemns my actions.
somewhere in februrary i lose it. we’re fighting again, from car to restaurant to car to home again. we fight about stupid things, small things; i tell her i feel she doesn’t love me, she says i’m not listening. the circle goes around and around, old pain peeling back, new pain unhealing. i sleep on the couch.
i wake up when i hear her crying, white hair around her all messed up. the kind of sobbing that only comes at two in the morning, heavy and thick and hurting. my winter girl. my heart is breaking. she looks up at me like i’m her anchor. “i’m sorry i’m like this,” she says. and i start saying, it’s okay i’m here we’re married, but she just shakes her head and says, “I know this isn’t the real me.”
i hold her cold hand. she stares at the blankets. “i am different in winter,” she whispers, “i know i am and i’m sorry.” she looks at me. “why do you think i dye my hair? cut it off? get rid of the old me?”
i tell her it’s okay. we’re together and it’s okay, and then she whispers, “i’m sorry you married four of me.”
we lay there like that, her head on my chest. she falls asleep. i stare at the ceiling, thinking of the way she sounded when she was crying. how i helped put her in that pain. how i promised in sickness and in health and everything in between.
the next day i spend at the library. there aren’t enough books on how to love someone with seasonal affective disorder so i make my own, notes and pages and little ideas on post-its. and i take a deep breath and make myself a promise.
she comes home to her favorite dinner and we kiss and she’s uneasy but that’s okay. the next day i bring home flowers and the next day she finds little love notes in her pockets. i love her quiet, the way winter demands, understand her sex drive is faltering; spend more time just cuddling. we drink wine and we kiss and some part of her starts relaxing.
the truth is there is no loving someone out of their mental illness. the truth is that you can love someone in despite of it; love them loud enough to give them an excuse to believe they can make their way out of it.
and i learn. i remember the rebirth of spring, when she starts thawing. we kiss and have picnics in pretty dresses. i remember her joy at little birds and her rain dancing. i fall in love with the flowers in her cheeks and the little bursts of cleaning. i fall in love with summer’s slow walks and milkshakes and shouting to music playing too loud on the speakers. i fall in love with her dancing, with the sunfire energy. and when winter comes; i am ready. i remember that snow used to look pretty. i fall in love with the hearth of her, with the holiday, with the slow smile that spreads across her face so shyly. i fall in love with how she looks in boots and mittens and every day i find another reason to love her the way she deserves - they way i always should have.
she comes home with her white hair and dark smile and a package in her hands. i ask to see what it is and that small shy grin comes creeping out. it’s a sunlamp packed in with medication. she looks at me with those wide eyes and that beautiful winter blush. “i’m trying to get better,” she whispers, “i promise.”
recovery doesn’t look immediate. sometimes it isn’t neat. i can’t say we never fight or that we’re suddenly complete. but each day, that tiny girl’s strength gives me another reason. i love her. i love her while she tames the roller coaster of spring; i love her for reigning in the summer storms; i love her for taking her winter and trying to be warm. it is hard, because everything worth it is hard. she spreads out her autumn leaves; mixes the best parts of her into everything. learns to take winter’s silence for a moment before yelling in summer. learns to take autumn’s spice and give it to spring. we are both learning.
one day she comes home and her hair is different, but it’s a style i don’t know. i kiss it and tell her that she’s beautiful and the inside of me swells like a flood. i’m so glad that she’s mine. every part of her. the whole. i am the luckiest person on earth. and i always have been. but she’s hugging me and saying, “thank you for helping me,” and i can’t explain why i’m crying.
this is what love is; not always an emotion but rather your actions. the choices we make when we realize our lives would be empty if the other was absent. this is what love is: letting them grow, helping them find their way in out of the cold. this is what love is: sometimes it takes work to see how the thing you planted together actually grows.
this is what love looks like in an autumn girl: it is winter and she glows.
I’m actually sobbing jesus christ
Soulmate AUs
Imprint - the soulmate’s touch will leave an imprint on their skin, aka Destiel ‘grabbed you tight’
Sense8 - being telepathically connected to your soulmate no matter where in the world they are (and speaking and understanding their language)
Markings - a soulmate mark that only the soulmates have in common
Platonic soulmates - there are different types of soulmates, some are romantic, some are platonic, some are familial (x)
Tattoo - when they reach a certain age, a tattoo shows up on their bodies that they have in common
Eye-colour - only being able to see everything in the colour of their soulmate’s eyes
Grey to multi-coloured - only being able to see grey until they meet their soulmate
Sharing injuries - receiving the same injuries (to a lesser extent) that their soulmate suffers from
Empathy - sharing the same emotions as their soulmate when they are close by
Names - their soulmate’s name is written on their body (maybe only initials)
First Word - the first word/sentence they hear their soulmate say is written on their body
Timer - everyone has a timer that’s counting down till they meet their soulmate
Dreamy - seeing their soulmate’s dreams or being able to communicate with them in their dreams
Biggest secret - everyone knows their soulmate’s biggest secret (even if it’s from the future)
No harm done - soulmates are not able to hurt each other physically
Sharing songs - being able to share songs with their soulmate in their heads
Clock - everyone has a clock that shows the time zone their soulmate is in
Taste - only being able to taste anything after meeting their soulmate
Smell - being able to smell what their soulmate is smelling
Danger alert - people can feel when their soulmate is in danger
Tell no lie - it’s impossible to lie to your soulmate
Voice in their head - the voice in their head is their soulmate’s voice
Sharing birthdays - soulmates are born on the same day, share the first breath with each other
Tugging - being able to feel a tug in the direction of your soulmate if they are feeling a strong emotion
Different soulmates - people are not necessarily their soulmate’s soulmate
Specific scenarios:
First Word = the sentence that they will hear their soulmate say, is a very common saying or a catchphrase from a TV show
Sharing injuries = people hurting themselves in unique ways to find their soulmate is getting out of hand
Soulmate Trip = people are going on trips as soon as they are 18 to find their soulmate
TV shows/social media = it’s pretty popular to watch how people try to find their soulmates
Tell no lie = the soulmates meet in a situation where it’s very important to lie to each other
Shamefulness = their soulmate bond is not being seen as appropriate, for whatever reason
Defiance = not wanting to let fate run their lives, some people actively try to avoid meeting their soulmates
Sharing songs = they keep hearing songs that they can’t find on the internet, finally realizing that they are their soulmate’s own, unpublished songs
Sharing songs = they keep hearing songs that only become famous months later, finally realizing that their soulmate is involved in producing those popular songs
Danger alert = their soulmate is constantly in danger and as soon as they meet, they will have a word with them for worrying them so much
I hope you all enjoy the AU ideas :)
If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee! 🥰
Johan Lolos
Brandywine Falls | Whistler, BC | March 2019