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[nowthislooksmid]

"To Be Alive"

I reduce my sense of false even selves,

Divide them by 3 — leaving me only a remainder of who I was today.

Take away all the diagonal 1s and 0s from my matrices,

Replace them with meaningless numbers,

Differentiate the constants of my friends,

Integrate this constant feeling of my own day by day —

And lose what little I had left to the root of a negative integer, yay!

Change my stroke volume to undefined,

The cardiac output and heart rate to 0 redefined

Leaving the rest of fluid flowing through my veins

To bleed out,

To turn black,

For you to see the beautiful hues of my skin that you could've never imagined,

For you to feel the cold of my skin.

I wonder —

If I was to cross that line,

What emotion would your eyes hold?

How would the muscles of your face contour?

Would you be sad? Relieved?

Or perhaps —

Happy?

[nowthislooksmid]

Forevermore

I always liked the stars in the sky. They shined so brightly, so beautifully, and so gracefully. I thought that they'd be the only thing I'd ever come to love in this world — for they'd never judge me or hurt me. They felt like the only thing I had in this world. On days I couldn't bear the weight on my shoulders, I'd look up at them, and they'd shine brighter, as if to say: "everything will be okay." It gave me comfort. Stargazing on a cold night became my favourite activity of the day.

Then came along you, someone whom I considered a dear friend. As dear as the stars were to me. I never held anything romantic towards you, for I could not imagine feeling such a thing. But a precious person to me, you were. You were like the stars, your curiosity being your light. I still remember the day when you got a telescope, you spent the whole night looking at the stars without rest, naming all the constellations you saw. I admired that about you. You'd always say that you wished to become a star in the night sky someday. We both knew it wasn't physically possible, though. But hey, it's not as if things can always stay the way they are, right? Death was bound to take you before I could even notice. For an eternal being like me, death was never a concern. But the moment it struck you, I couldn't help but curse the world in its wake.

In that moment, I could only grieve, having been left behind, and remember the conversations we used to have.

"Hey, do you think we could travel beyond the sky together someday?"

"Ha, surely not. It requires too much time and knowledge, which you might have, but I do not."

"Aww come on, you've been alive for ages! You know much more than I do!"

"Alright, alright. Maybe, if we do qualify for it someday."

Ah, but we both knew that I had the time, and you did not, for you were only a mortal afterall. I could feel my eyes tearing up. How annoying, is it not? Without you, even the bright night sky I loved so dearly seemed dim, perhaps this is why the immortals choose to keep a distance from human beings. Mere mortals must leave this world, and us, behind someday.

But surely, if you were still here, if you were as I am, we'd be having such mundane conversations, and you would've laughed my worries off, and comforted me. You were a pure soul, afterall. If only you were still here, I'd deal with your annoying presence for a decade, a century, and forevermore.

[nowthislooksmid]

part 6

"The Sun and The Sea"

To live — I think to live means to go along with whatever is thrown at you and survive through it. No matter how many loved ones you may lose, to live means to move on from their deaths, never forgetting them, always carrying a part of them with you.

Solis, I still carry the scars that you left me with, ones that I will never be ashamed of. Ones that I'll never hate you for giving me, for they, too, are as lovely as you were. They are proof that you existed to me. Your memory is all I need to remind me that you were here once.

When I see asters, I still get reminded of you. The memory is no longer painful, but rather endearing. The memory of you picking them and weaving them into a beautiful cradle, smilingly brightly like the stars you so loved. The withered asters that I once gifted to your cold body are no more, for they bloom in the warm weather now. In your memory, I planted them in my garden, and they will keep blooming just like you once did, and continue to remind me of you just as the stars do.

---

After all that had happened, I too understand now the gravity of life and death, they're both two sides of the same coin. They can hurt one another alike. Even still, I'll keep longing to accompany you, even if not this time, then the next time. You are the one who I will find solace in, Odeta. You are the calm sea that will bring my mind to peace, and let me sleep in quiet. Without you, I will be incomplete. If I am the sun, then you are my sea, my ocean, painting my sky in beautiful hues that one could never imagine to have. Your memory is the one thing that I wish I could get to take with me in my next life, for you are the reason for my continued existence.

[nowthislooksmid]

"My star"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry —" were the only words I could choke out while ending my life. I wish I could've looked at things differently back then. If I did, then maybe you wouldn't have been so hurt because of me. I know I'll never be able to feel your pain, but that doesn't mean that mine is insignificant as well, right? I know it's my fault for not reaching out, but can I really blame myself? Looking back, I can only view myself as a helpless kid barely holding on. All that pressure, stress, disappointment, fear — everything. All of it. It was tearing me apart from the inside. The only thing that kept me going was you and the nights we spent stargazing. But at some point, without me realising, even that stopped being a reason for me to stay. It didn't mean that I disliked spending time with you, no, never. It's just...I don't know. I couldn't find it in me to keep going.

Ah, I know, I know it was my fault. I, too, spent so long blaming myself for everything. Knowing how it feels, how can I even bring myself to blame you fully? I know how much it hurts, I wish I could comfort you, tell you it's not your fault, that it's going to be okay, that I'll still be watching over you. How I wish. But we both know it can't be done anymore.

If only you could still see me, hear me, I'd tell you everything that I've been holding back. I'd tell you about how I ended up spiralling about everything every time, how I'd cry over questions I couldn't solve, how it felt when I got yelled at by teachers and parents, and so much more. If I'd told you back then, would things have turned out differently for us? If only you'd seen the look on your face whenever the topic of death came up, maybe you'd understand why I was so reluctant to tell you that I wanted to die. Afterall, you cherished the life around you too much to understand the importance of death.

Whenever I looked up at the sky — I couldn't help but feel a sting in my heart. I couldn't help but think: "If I can't even do simple things, how will I reach the sky?" I knew that the "what if's" I had did nothing but make me feel worse, but I couldn't stop them. It was as if my mind had a mind of its own that I couldn't control. I wanted to live so desperately yet at the same time I didn't. Every time I went home, my parents would look at me with hopeful, expecting eyes — eyes of expectations that I could never fulfill, full of hope that I was so afraid to shatter.

I know I'm not as perfect as others say I was, atleast from their point of view. Everyone has their own flaws, don't they? You were probably the only person who'd value and accept those, so would you hear my flaws one last time? And all the troubles that kept me up at night, even when I was by your side? All the regrets that I'd had till my last day under the night sky?

I knew chasing after only one thing would get me nowhere, yet I did — I did because it was the one thing that kept me going on days when you weren't there. The stars. Whenever I was upset, I used to look up at them and think, "They shine so bright every time, even after rainy, cloudy days, I wonder if I can be like that one day?"

I was a lonely kid. I had trouble making friends at school, yet I still tried my best to help. Even if it didn't matter to them, it did to me. It mattered because I made an effort to communicate. Would you agree with my view if you ever heard of it? I hoped you would.

I always regretted not speaking up when it mattered most. I still do even now. But alas, there's nothing that can be done now, is there? Yet, if in another life, if in another timeline — one where I told you, one where you asked me to stay, I would. For you, I would remain, Odeta.

To you whom I left behind, you will forever be the one thing that kept me going along with the stars. The one who I shall cherish even in death, Odeta.

[nowthislooksmid]

a very house md day today

[nowthislooksmid]

To you, who was as bright as the sun

To you, whose light could never be shunned

To you, whom I failed to save —

There was so much I wanted to say, to you who no longer exists.

You were one of the happiest people I'd ever met,

So I always wondered why, what happened?

When did the scars on your wrists start to show?

When did it start getting harder to breathe?

Why didn't you reach out even when you were at the point of break?

After you were gone, the summer lost it's cheery warmth,

The snowy winter enjoyable no more,

The autumn sad, the spring lifeless,

And the rain sang a song of melancholy,

And I started to resent it all.

At some point, I started to hate you just as I hated the seasons, haunted by the thoughts of 'what if' and 'why' —

What if it was all my fault?

Did you love me no more?

Was I not worthy enough to live for?

But as they say — with time comes chaos and healing.

And time,

It didn't heal me from that pain, no, but perhaps, I came to understand you one summer afternoon

Maybe it wasn't your fault, neither was it mine.

Perhaps there was no point in blaming myself anymore and holding you back from a new, better life,

So I let you go, and told myself it's okay.

Even if it may not be right now, it will be one day.

Once I did, slowly, but surely, the seasons seemed to open up to me,

With the summer skies warm and blue,

The assurance of the raindrops in monsoon,

The shedding of old leaves with autumn,

And the signs of a new beginning with spring.

To you, who no longer exists,

Even if the world may forget,

I shall not.

[nowthislooksmid]

[part 2]

An eternal life — what would it be like? I've been curious about it for as long as I can remember, if life were everlasting, then, perhaps there'd be no such thing as grief, mourning, sadness or pain?

But even if those things would not exist in a "relative" sense, would one who has achieved a neverending life span ever be happy? Would they have the ability to overlook everything that's happening around them, the ability to overlook someone's death, someone's pain, or birth?

I thought I'd never find the answer to such questions, but after meeting you, I think I can more or less guess the answers to all of those questions. You always look sad whenever we talk about your life while stargazing, as if you'd give up your everything just to live a normal life, a life lived as a human, a mortal. But it still left one thing unanswered — why? If it meant being able to gaze up at the stars for an eternity, who wouldn't want to live? I seem to never be able to understand your sadness, yet still, I can't help the sting I feel in my chest whenever I see you sad, for you're a friend I hold dear, the only family I have left.

You're a silly person, I'd usually think. You let everything affect you so easily. One moment you're sad, the other you're happy, even the little things seem to affect you so much! Sometimes, I wonder what you'll do when I'm gone? Will you be sad? Will you talk to someone else about me just as you talk to me whenever you miss your family? I can't help that I'm a mortal, but if it was possible, I'd give up my mortality to accompany you for a lifetime, so that you don't have to bear the weight of it all by yourself.

I don't even remember when we met anymore, it's been ages, yet you never seem to grow old, while I've gotten older now, almost enough to worry that one day I'll look older than even you. I bet you'd make fun of me when I do. I wouldn't mind that, I think.

I remember when we tried to get into astronomy, to become astronauts, that was my dream since forever, afterall, but after failing, I don't know what came over me, I just fell into a depressive hole, unable to even notice that it was affecting you too. I couldn't help but feel selfish for not being able to make you feel happy the way you make me do. I wish, I really wish, that I could've done it all differently, maybe then, I wouldn't have given up the life that you held so dearly. Had I known the look you'd have on your face when I took my life, I wouldn't have done it. I really wouldn't have. But alas, I can't do anything about it now, can I? There's no point in mourning or lamenting about it anymore, even so, why do you continue doing it? Why do you feel sad that I died? I wish I could comfort you, but I can't, and it frustrates me to no end. If I could, I really would go back and slap some sense into my old self. I'd tell them that it's not worth it, that they can get through it, live through it. I wish I told you about it. I thought you would've blamed yourself, but are you not doing the same even now? I wish, I really really wish, to remain by your side, to tell you that you don't have to blame yourself or deal with all of it alone, but what can be done now?

Through it all — your scream brought me back, to the reality that can't be avoided, to your arms that held my body growing ever cold, and your tears. And all I could do, was utter out a pathetic apology.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't stay with you. Maybe, in another lifetime, we'll be able to grow and die together?"