jay

20, audhd he/him bi

[noxatris]

lol hi I stopped creating any art of any form except for like collages sometimes and abandoned this account oops

[noxatris]

nothing

once a week I go to therapy

once a week I go to work

every day I sleep

every night I lay awake

the nothing creeps in

and the nothing stays

it crushes my chest and my eyes

it pulls me out of myself

I cannot scream

I cannot cry

the weariness is always there

the dullness is its companion

every afternoon I wake

every evening I wait

twice a week I shower

twice a week I brush my teeth

the nothing isolates me

and the nothing never leaves

I am unable to feel hunger

I cannot become tired

every day I am nauseous

every night I am worn

the nothing has power

and the nothing destroys

[noxatris]

I GOT MY NOTES BACK FUCK YEAH OH MY GOD

[noxatris]

I got a new phone and all my notes got deleted so now all the poems I hadn't posted on here yet are gone🤩🤩🤩

[noxatris]

This isn’t a poem it’s a narrative essay I wrote for an english assignment but I like it so I’m posting it. Read it if you want it’s five paragraphs.

Tw: vague mention of sa and abuse

Burn

I shiver and pull my jacket tighter as I walk down the railroad tracks. I breathe in and try to accept the cold, I have to go on. In the darkness, I am protected from her. Each step forward is barely tangible to my increasingly numb feet and each breath I take tumbles out of me into the freezing air. I am alone, but the night’s purpose will be best fulfilled that way. I do not need her with me. I want to let go.

As I trudge on, I allow myself to mourn. I think of all the happy memories I made with her. I remember the times we had traced these tracks together, claiming them as our own, a place just for us. I think of the late nights we spent together, how I let her into my space, how I called her my future. I think of all the secrets I shared only with her. Then, as I reach the bridge, I remember the lies. I think of the pitying words from my family. I go back to that night. I feel her on top of me, I hear her laugh, and I recognize my dread.

I slowly make my way down the icy rocks. Once I reach the bottom, I sit down near the river. I let the cold seep into me as I rest, allowing myself to feel everything I had previously pushed down. A hot tear runs down my frigid face, and I finally break. The sobs tear out of me, and under the light of the moon, I let them. I spent so long catering to what she wanted. I wasted so much energy pretending she did not hurt me, only to end up alone. I did not deserve to feel like that. I did not deserve what she did.

I reach into my pocket and retrieve the photo booth pictures and my lighter. I struggle to work the lighter, my fingers numb from the cold. These pictures are the only remaining proof of our friendship, and as the fire finally catches, I watch them melt away. I set the pictures on the rocks. The fire licks at our faces, burning away the last of the connection she had once been able to convince me we had. I feel the heat of the flames die out, but the cold does not hurt. She can no longer control me. I had left, and now I am finally free.

I bury the ashes in the rocks, tuck the lighter back into my pocket, and slowly stand back up. I climb back up the rocks, feeling the heaviness I had carried throughout our time together disappear. This place is not ours anymore, and I am not hers. I belong only to myself. As I make my way back down the tracks, I know that someday, I will be okay. I know I do not need her, and I know I can heal. I know that real love does not burn.

[noxatris]

your mark

I wish I was strong enough

to hate you entirely

to despise everything we share

everything that happened

but I miss you

even though you treated me so badly

I miss being that close with someone

even if that closeness was detrimental

I miss you so much

and I hate myself for it

and I hate you

I hate that I have to live with this

you ruined me

and I still can’t get rid of you

I have to end yet another friendship

because of you

I’ve missed out on so much

because you were in the way

I’ll have to avoid you forever

I had to change my whole life

my whole self

so it stopped revolving around you

I have to see you everyday

hear you talk and laugh

you seem so happy

but I have to feel like this

I miss you so much I want to die

why do I crave something so horrible?

I’m jealous of the people you have

I hate that they love you

I hate that I used to too

I wish I could aim this anger at you

everything you did stays with me

all the feelings never really left

I can’t heal with you still there

but everything has you in it

we know each other

better than anyone else

and that’ll never leave

you took so much from me

and even though we’re separated

you still manage to corrupt me

I hate that this is who I am now

and I’ll never be able to forget

that you made me like this

and I hate you for it

but somehow I miss you too

[noxatris]

my dynamic

I keep falling for non-options

I was too good for him

he didn’t see me how I am

he already had someone

maybe it’s self-sabotage

or maybe I’m just broken now

I could choose someone else

if I had that opportunity

I don’t think I think badly of myself

but how am I to know

what lives in my subconscious?

the thought of someone wanting me

anyone wanting to please me

disgusts me so deeply

maybe I disgust myself

or maybe she took something

I wasn’t like this before

though I hadn’t fallen for anyone then

I used to want to be wanted

but am I still desirable

if no one’s allowed to touch me?

I hope I’m able to still give love

I’ve been told people can feel it

it scares me to think that I can’t

I don’t know why I’m like this

honesty is necessary for trust

but the fear of a conclusion

keeps me from expressing it

I want the people I love to be happy

but I can’t tell if I give them that

I want him to feel loved

and someone else is supplying it

so I guess I’m content

I won’t ever have that bond with him

and now I can feel comfortable

the lack of reciprocation is safe

I’ll give without taking

because it’s all I really know

[noxatris]

fun fact the “you” in a lot of my poems is one person who actually is the one that got me into writing and the story of my attachment to him is now documented on an anonymous tumblr account

the ones that are not him are what I want, glove, the wait, and the 26th

[noxatris]

the close

I’m glad you’re gone

but of course it hurt

I wanted someone to care

and you filled that role

if only temporarily

but then you withdrew

and I didn’t stop you

I was glad for the break

we wouldn’t talk for weeks

then you’d message me

say you’re sorry

but do it again

I was never your first priority

and that’s okay

I never expected to be

but you were mine

I cared for you so deeply

you were something good

after all I had been through

but as I healed

my adoration withered

I saw that you weren’t perfect

you never were

but once we were the same

I realized I didn’t need you

I’m sorry I left so abruptly

but I relied on you for far too long

I know I saw good in you

and I called it greatness

but you’re just a person

not some amazing savior

and I want to be okay on my own

so I started to ignore you

see how long it would take

and the silence lasted

and now I don’t have you anymore

but I don’t miss you

I miss having someone there

my heart aches

but this was my decision

and I think I’m glad I made it

[noxatris]

part of me

the more I uncover

the more reasons people have

to not want me

as I tap each crack

my hope for happiness

grows a bit weaker

and though my old life seems

so much simpler now

to my burdened heart

I know it was just the same

I’ve always been this way

there was never any safety

not for me

the things people have against me

they were always there

I just didn’t know them

I didn’t have a reason

behind the things I wondered

somehow I knew

I was inherently wrong

but I didn’t have the words

to describe it

but now I do

and now people know

I lost the ability to hide it

once I knew it was there

so who could want me

when they see

that I am not what they need

I’m too much

I’m too difficult to understand

and so I wish I could forget

all the things that cover me

but whether they keep me alone

or they give me

some final comprehension

they are a part of me

I have always been this way

[noxatris]

sorry I haven’t been posting I’m really only getting inspiration from one thing and I don’t wanna just write the same stuff over and over

[noxatris]

after

am I stuck like this?

will I always be afraid?

this is my reality now

she got to move on

I’m left to rot

my mind is stuck in april

my reactions based on may

is my body mine?

she took so much

and left behind eggs

maggots of her abuse

growing in my brain

festering in my blood

I’m stuck where she trapped me

all I have are these thoughts

I feel her in my head

I feel her in my heart

in my hands and my arms

I see her in my dreams

will I ever escape?

I’m so tired of fighting

I never asked for this

will I ever get over it?

or am I truly stuck?

[noxatris]

laspe

a question

a simple statement

I don’t have an answer

I can’t seem to remember

I lost the connection

I can’t see it

a picture

an old vent

I know she did it

but there’s only scraps

the proof mushed together

and now it’s gone

my retellings

my poems

the only link left

I don’t remember our fights

I don’t remember the bad

I can’t even remember her birthday

the candle melts

her name evaporates

our tie is broken

I don’t remember if I’m right

it doesn’t matter

maybe I’m ok

I’m not quite sure

my eyes stay the same

my teeth shift

I don’t remember what I looked like

I can’t remember how I felt

my voice changed

my hair grew

time passed

it’s over

the good is gone

my life became something different

new friends

new humor

the old me lives in my words

I’m someone else

but I can’t remember how it began

[noxatris]

tw: ed, sh, just mentally and physically not ok ig

help him

2, 1, 2, 1,

2, 3, 4, 6.

136, 132, 130, 129,

128, 125, 122, 120.

white, red, pink.

red, brown, black.

36, 50, 99, 105.

138, too high.

what’s wrong?

less, smaller,

bigger, deeper.

it stings. it’s gone.

I can’t hear.

I can’t see.

it hurts.

what’s wrong?

spinning, shouting,

fading, pleading.

I can’t think.

I can’t stand.

something’s very wrong.

he’s curled up.

he can’t speak.

he’s screaming.

what’s going on?

does no one hear?

he’s smaller.

he’s barely there.

what’s wrong?

[noxatris]

more

little parasite

that’s all I am

I burrow in

feeding on the attention

I need it so bad

think of me always

it never ends

it’s never satisfied

little parasite

it burrows deeper

pay attention to me

talk to me

remember me

mention me

care about me

care more than I deserve

I need so much more

little parasite

it will never rest

[noxatris]

the wait

what will make you want me?

you remain unknown

and I still reach for you

what is it about me

that’s so unappealing?

I know I am lovable

I am fucking beautiful

yet you don’t see it

why does no one see me?

I want it so bad

my longing has no name

I crave an untold lover

one who doesn’t know me

yet one I yearn for still

I deserve far more

than I’ve been given

so I will cherish you

once I finally find you

you will not know the pain

of not being quite enough

so my beautiful “not yet”

when will you find me?

[noxatris]

tw: sa

the 26th

swirling consciousness

my body somehow rooted

I wasn’t there to stop it

you kept going

I didn’t want it

you knew I didn’t

you didn’t stop

you didn’t ask

you ignored me

I barely felt alive

all I could feel was you

pushing and rubbing

I told you to stop

but your own desires

were more important

so back to the pillow I went

to try to escape

I didn’t want to feel it

I tried so hard to let go

I wanted to slip away

anything but that

anything but you

this wasn’t what I wanted

after forever you got off me

I let you sleep beside me

I let you curl around me

your scent lingered

your hair scattered on the sheets

reminders of the hell

I couldn’t sleep for days

I couldn’t drift off

I was on guard

somehow you would be back

you would want more

you would start again

and you would ignore my pleas

it was supposed to be fun

you were laughing

I could barely speak

it’s been almost a year

we don’t speak anymore

you never admitted

what you did

you blamed me

I still think about it

I’m still scared of you

I still don’t feel safe

never again