Any tips on how to eat a girl out?
1) You are not on Man vs Food and you are not Adam Richman. The clock isn’t ticking, and you can either do it the quick way or you can do it the good way. Eating pussy isn’t a chore to tick off as quick as possible so you can get to the other stuff sooner, so you need to make peace with the fact you’re essentially down there for life. You’re a lifer in pussy prison son and you only get parole if you’re good.
2) The Path of a Thousand Smooches: This is a pilgrimage my friend, but before you reach the shrine of The Goddess you’ve got a whole load of grovelling to do on the way. Your only chance of avoiding eternal torment in the fuckboi underworld is to smooch it up from top to bottom and make your girl feel like she’s your last meal on death row. Start with the face and just work downwards, following the contours, listen to her voice, take detours. This is a sensory experience, you just gave her a day pass for Universal Studios and she wants to ride the 4D orgasm experience until the cleaners ask you to leave.
3) Several weeks later you should arrive at the pussy. The Pass at Thermopylae. The Hot Gates. You’ve been smooching far and wide, but much like brave Leonidas you are going nowhere anytime soon and probably fighting in the nude by most historical accounts. Your girl should basically be pushing herself onto your mouth with lust by this point, but instant gratification is for decadent Athenians. Instead, you wanna be kissing in slow circuits around the labia, inner thighs, perineum, never quite giving what she’s aching for. You’re aiming to wind her up as much as possible. Use your tongue. Be a tease. Don’t make me come over there.
4) Congrats, you’ve got your girl bright red and probably dripping without even touching her pussy. So now you’re gonna oblige her, but less is more and you’re starting with shrinking down those circles you were making in the previous step so that you’re running your tongue around her labia majora really lightly, throwing in a few soft kisses, and using your warm moist breath as a conduit for your sinful pussy magic.
5) You’ve done your prep, said your prayers, now you get to eat. Take those circles you’re drawing and start to apply more pressure until the lips spread and you’re exploring the full top to bottom length of her pussy. You’ll never make her cum like this, and that’s not the point. You’re relieving some of that craving she’s built up, and you wanna stimulate all around, even if it’s not the most sensitive parts.
6) MYSTIC PUSSY RITUAL ZONE. Listen well, traveller. You’ve shown tremendous spirit so far, and for your efforts I shall impart a nug of ancient wisdom. You set out on this journey to eat pussy, but to truly eat pussy, you must suck pussy. Contrary to what your bro friends ingrained in you, pussies are tough, and they can stretch. So plant your mouth at the top end of her pussy, with her clit somewhere in there, and form a seal. Now you wanna gently but firmly suck that thing inwards repeatedly, and run the flat of your tongue outwards from your mouth in rhythm with the sucking action. Pretend you’re gradually sucking up a big bundle of spaghetti bit by bit, entirely disregarding my previous remark about this not being Man vs Food. This takes practise, but eventually you’ll work out a great technique which simultaneously gets blood rushing to her clit, stimulates the clit itself, stimulates the rest of her labia, and even allows for some insertion using your tongue in a satisfying rhythm.
7) By now, her clit should be primed and ready to finish the job. Some girls can orgasm purely from clit stimulation, others may also need you to reach on up and work the nipples, others may need insertion. For the latter, refer to the billion g-spot diagrams on the web, and remember you wanna create the illusion of volume in there, pressing on the top and bottom surfaces with whatever motion work for her. Plant your top lip above her pussy, and get ready to send your tongue on an endurance run. The most comfortable (and therefore longest-lasting) motion for you is a straight up and down flick with the tip of your tongue, but again, this depends on your partner’s preferences.
8) Doing all of this slowly and gradually wasn’t just for her benefit. By now you’ve had plenty of time to figure out what works for her, and you can now combine two or more of them to give her one of the best orgasms of her life, and a week’s worth of smug self-esteem for you. As I said before, eating pussy isn’t a chore to get out the way, and you should at least hint that you’re happy to give her another spin. You’re not putting tokens in a machine, you’re having an intimate experience and being generous is win-win.
9) For further reading on militarism in ancient Greek society and the Peloponnesian Wars, I recommend Persian Fire by renowned historian and expert pussy eater (probably) Tom Holland
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