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This comic is also from 2021 as well. I am very much a loner and prefer to be alone most of the time because I struggle with social settings. Crowds especially make me anxious but thanks to finding out that I am autistic, I realised that its because crowds are overstimulating, now I wear headphones whenever it gets too much, so I don't get overstimulated.

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This is an old comic, badly drawn comic, from 2021 when I thought I might be demisexual but since I was unsure I didn't tell anyone. So I openly said I was an ally but deep down I thought I was demi. Btw now I think I'm acearo and more open about it. Looking back it should have been obvious, since I was always making excuses why I wasn't dating or why I didn't want to ask someone out and preferred friendship over dating and I only worried about finding someone because society made me feel I need to be with someone. Now I'm very happy single, I no longer worry about dating!

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I'm back and in a much better place. I have a job I love. I have a better understanding of myself, I'm autistic apparently which explains the uncontrolable crying and my appalling social skills. Still bad at art but I love to try anyway. I know no one cares but I'm back. Why? Danmei. There are some really good artists who do danmei fanart only on tumblr.

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Wonderful

I was feeling a little glum, yesterday and then I started to listen to the podcast, wonderful, it completely lifted my mood. It just so nice to hear people talking about things they love or are into. I feel there are so many people talking about things they don't like that it makes me feel insecure about the things I like. It's why I tend to not read the reviews of books or games because I want to see if will like it for myself. If I do it, its usually after I have read or played it and it can often make me question my tastes. Anyway, on wonderful, I tend to relate to some of the things they talk about, like when Griffin talked about animal crossing, Pokemon and vine which makes me feel more connected to the world and general more happy to hear about it. In fact when I heard that Griffin was going to talk a bout animal crossing, got so excited a stamped my feet on the spot ( I was in public but I didn't care). And when I don't relate to it, I tend to discover new wonderful things like the music like same dark place (always cheers up), and poetry from Rachel's poetry corner. Also I learn from it like I think it was last week, when Rachel went through an article about why we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves and she went through some stuff about how our brains work when we categorise things are bad or good. Anyway hearing them talk so openly about the things like makes me remember that we can like what want and no one should tell otherwise because Griffin and Rachel have topics they don't share interests in or there are a submissions that they don't necessarily relate to but wonderful is a space to share the things people love. Maybe its because I don't have many friends that I can talk to but wonderful helps me be more positive.

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Venting...

Today I had one those days, when it's just terrible and I realised that I'm not normal and not in a good way. My life is a joke! I spend years on degree and now that I'm trying to get a job, it feels like a waste, not because it was a worthless degree because I can't interact with people normally. I literally cried in the middle of two interviews in a row. The interviews were nice about but ultimately they were thinking there is no way I'm hiring someone so emotionally unstable. I have no close friend or friends I can even hang out with. If I want to do some or go somewhere it's always alone. Today, I went two social events and pretty much didn't interact with anyone above saying hi and thank you and that kind of stuff. When people try to have a conversation with it is so awkward because I can never think of anything to say except to answer something which is usually brief and sometimes a lie because I don't people knowing all the lame stuff into or too old for. I'm in my mid twenties, biggest crybaby ever, still love kids cartoons, read young adult romance novels, interested in d&d but don't know anyone to play with, writing a lame fantasy story with THE worst writing anyone has ever seen, loves apparently the worst of the final fantasy franchise (10, 12 and 13), want to give people cards that look like a child made it because she feels it has more meaning to it (not that she has anyone other her family to give it to), continues to work on drawing despite never getting an better at it and lastly making poor salsa and bachata lead put up with me the most confused and graceless follower ever. I would never tell anyone this because I don't feel close enough to anyone but no one know who I am on Tumblr so I'm venting all out here. There are probably a bunch of grammatical errors in this be for once I don't care. I'm so tired of hiding everything that I'm scared that people wouldn't like about but I don't know how to pretend to be a person people would want to hang out with and I rather have people thought was boring then reject me for who I am. I'm literally crying as I am writing this... I'm just so lonely but I love myself. I sometimes say I hate myself but if did I won't won't spoil myself sweets or books. I don't change myself because I love the me that love the lame stuff I do and keeps trying to get better at art, dancing, writing and getting a job. I at least have myself. However I don't always get to say what I want, so I imagine in the future I will be posting more stuff I just want to say but have no one to say it to. Maybe rants, more venting, thing a find great or whatever I need to get out of my system. I honestly don't care if anyone reads this by writing and posting has made me feel more at peace.

[nspirax-blog]

My attempt at digital art...

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I created this Tumblr to follow awesome artists and see the wonderful art posted on Tumblr. I may post my own drawings in future but I probably won't since I'm not good at drawing at all (and I have low self-esteem).