A lot to think about
Warning: This post is a tad bit dark. I have had a lot of my mind and haven't wrote about it in months. Please prepare yourself, especially if youāre having a blessed day.Ā
So when I started this blog, I had every intention to write in it on a daily basis. I wanted to highlight my experience as a 27 year old, black woman in an interracial relationship in America! I wanted my older self to see my thought process, my journeys and my accomplishments....but lately I am feeling pretty much like most Americans...
Defeated.Ā
Lost.Ā
Afraid / Worried.Ā
Obsessed over what the future holds.Ā
These feelings have been exasperated by the growing concern of COVID-19, a slow-spreading virus that has consumed the lives of those globally. But my fears donāt stem from the presence or risk of death! Frankly, we weāreĀ all be in that state of mind anyway considering no ones life has ever been guaranteed .....even if itās easier to act like it is. Still its not like we need the daily reminder...but I am getting ahead of myself!Ā
I feel these feelings not because of the virus or because I recognize that I am currently and primarily dependent on my incredible support systems both financially and mentally and feel somewhat ashamed of my lack of independence. I feel those feelings because I recently learned (last month) that I am pregnant. And while I want so badly want to celebrate and CHEER and think about all the wonderful miracles that are soon to come, an over-thinker is never freed from their thoughts! So why? Why the feelings?Ā
Defeated - Iāve spent the last month and a half having little to no energy! I MEAN NONE! No energy to apply for jobs, no energy to reach out to my closest friends and most importantly and disappointingly, no energy to meet my basic needs (eating regular or enough meals, showering, cleaning, laundry etc.) Recently, my greatest joys have been limited to traveling away from the house, going outside to walk and breathe and recieving visits from my loved ones. Most days, I wait on my future spouse to help me fulfill those joys! Itās not that I need him by my side every waking hour, itās more so that Iām afraid that my sense of loneliness will overwhelm the little pleasures I receive if I do it alone. The last two years, I trained my mind to obsess over everything that can go wrong instead of all the things that have gone right. I feel like there is an ominous power working against me. Some force fixated on making me feel like I need to have it all figured out in the next 9 months or I canāt have this baby.Ā I need to increase my faith but am struggling to find healthy ways to do so. The feeling of defeat. Itās a motherfucker.Ā
Lost - Do I have control issues? Iāve grown up watching the adults in my life needing to have some kind of control over their life! It didn't take long before I developed the same need. Itās the way in which I feel stable.Ā Lately, so many things have just felt soooo out of my control and itās driving me absolutely insane. The most recent example is morning sickness. Iāve lost control over my own body.Ā I throw up when Iām too full. I throw up when I havenāt eaten at all. I throw up just for the hell of it sometimes. I throw up without warning. I throw up about 1-2 times on average everyday. I throw up what feels like all the time and I haven't brought myself to figure out how to make myself feel better. Itās almost like I feel like I deserve to be sick as punishment for not accomplishing much....I should be making money for my family, I should be cooking lunch and dinner daily, I should be shopping for baby clothes, I should be exercising, I should not be spending a fourth of my day throwing up.....welp, I guess that answers that question.Ā
Afraid / Worried - Greatest fear of 2020: The baby wonāt make it. I wonāt make it.Ā
Obsessed over what the future holds - Iām either trapped reminiscing in the past or looking forward to the future. I canāt control changing the past so I obsess over the future. I rarely ever allow myself to live in the present. Why, because to me, that is the scariest option of all. What if the present does meet the expectations that I dreamt for myself in the future? In the future, anything is possible. I can have anything I want. I can be anything I want. The idealism of the future has never let me down. But people in the present have. I, in the present, have.Ā
I know I will be okay at the end of the day because my faith is placed in the hands of the lord! I have been so fortunate thus far from so many things that are not listed here.Ā
I am loved. I have food. I have shelter. I have so many amenities to make my life easier and I am able to talk to you now because I have a computer with internet access. For christ sakes, I am watching Greyās Anatomy as we speak in the comfort of my own home with an empty bowl that was once filled with chicken noodle soup. But does that not make my thoughts any less relevant? All I ask of you is, if you are religious, pray that I am not consumed by my pessitimistic mindset and if you are not religious, please still keep me in your thoughts š
Everything will be just fine.Ā