numanbeing @numanbeing - Tumblr Blog

Wonder what's next.

I mark my things.

A tin soldier, with inner makings drawn towards a bang, will march towards the wall with its head proud.

Sometimes the wall will find mercy and move away.

And sometimes the wall will stand it's ground,

"Its your patterns, your decisions. You take responsibility of it. Nomatter how much your head cries out in pain, I will not move from my place."

And I think life is like that.

We all are like that tin soldier, perhaps with inner makings that seeks sabotaging results, misery and chaos. We walk into the wall of life, bash our head on it. Get hurt, bleed, cry and feel lost in frustration as to why we always end up feeling that way.

Sometimes life will move away and have mercy on our unaware patterns.

And sometimes life will stand it's ground and let us take responsibility.

And when that happens, we are met with this realization that we must change from within.

The wires that controls the instincts, the patterns that moves our existential limbs, we must face them with a clear head and rearrange, fix, solve, redirect, soothe, relearn, rewire, what needs to be saved.

In this existential dollhouse, many of us are wired to go towards the pain. Right where the wall is, that's where we walk towards.

A tragic malfunction of sort.

But the good thing is,

although we are created by someone, the law of existence is that, even the creation can create.

Whether it be on the outside, or their own withins.

We can create, always.

On our ownself or on the back of the world.

#journal #spilled thoughts

Recently I am hooked on her songs.

She is so cutee and her energy is so pleasant!🩵✨️

#playlist #now playing #SoundCloud #Spotify

I will carry two umbrellas.

Always.

Many weeks ago, I gave away my umbrella to someone who had their head bare, under the sun.

It was an endearing instinct to help.

But after I did, I felt a wave of regret.

Not because I helped, but because I missed my umbrella.

I realized that day that I love my things very much.

Anything that I bought and made my own, I feel attached to, deeply and just the thought that I gave it away so easily to a stranger made me feel like a mother who gave away their child, under the care of someone she barely knows.

In life, I want to be successful so I can buy everything in two pairs, I will carry two umbrellas, one just for me, with whom I will spend all my monsoon with and the other for someone who might have been unpleasantly surprised by the weather.

I wonder how the umbrella is doing now.

I hope it is taken care of.

I hope it is placed on clean grounds, opened gently, and held with a tender regard.

Only after I gave it away, I realized that I don't like sharing my things.

The things that belongs to me, I want them to wither away and age gracefully, under my care.

Such is why, from now on, I will be carrying two umbrellas.

Two of all things, I can share to another.

I think, things when bought, recognizes you as the caretaker. You buy an umbrella, it's handle will familiarize itself with your hands, you buy a cup, it's edges will familiarize itself with your lips, you buy a jacket it familiarize itself with your shoulder, you buy shoes it familiarize itself with your feet, etc etc.

So when we give them away, without a second thought, I imagine them getting bewildered by a new hand, a new mouth, a new shoulder, a new feet.

I don't like sharing. I truly don't.

What is mine, I want to keep it with me.

And I think they all like being with me, because they recognize me the most.

#journal #i dont like sharing #spilled thoughts #girl blogger

I walk out the door, with my sturdy leather shoes, I hear the rain knocking on the ground.

I hop and skip to save my feet from drowning.

I get to the station, with my umbrella drenched.

Inconvenienced and bothered by the drops of water spilling on the floor.

Like a hazard I cannot hold or keep, I avoid the crying umbrella that had sheltered my head, a few walks ago.

And just as I am about to make it a stranger, I feel this sudden urge to embrace it.

Because it is written in my fate to never get to touch the sky, so if it's only the rain I get to feel, I welcome the odds of being drenched.

For the clouds are far out my reach, and from above it pours plenty of hellos, a part of it I get to meet, through the rain that fell past the sky.

You can never touch the sky, only the rain that passes through it.

And that is what makes monsoon, a season of greetings.

#rainyday #writers on tumblr

I'm a tidal wave of question marks,

and you're just surfing. 🩵

#now playing #playlist #song of the day #Spotify

🖤

#girlblogging #soft goth

I used to seek fortune.

I wanted to be so lucky that no inconveniences would ever befall my day.

But lately, when I feel unlucky or inconvenienced, I find myself very calm.

When before I would dive into subliminal, listen to high frequency meditation music, listen to gurus who swore their way could lead to success, a sense of fortune that only ever lasting luck can bring.

It was so tiresome.

This sort of mental gymnastics, I don't like it.

My one true wish in life is to be free.

But as my love for freedom grows deep, so does the meaning of it.

Before freedom meant, free to do anything and everything.

But now it has also become, freedom to experience everything, freedom of feeling and sensing everything, freedom so bold that even my life is free to be who she is, even time is free to be who he is.

So as I am now, I am okay with the fickle tail of luck.

I don't want to repeat anything.

Life is a book with pages 100. And I don't want to waste my time repeating the same page, not moving forward.

Whatever the next page might have, whether it be glory or shame, success or failure, luck or misfortune. I want to turn the page.

Regardless of it all.

That is what freedom has become to me.

Free to live.

Without having a certain experience playing on loop.

I think we cannot be free until we let things around us be free too.

Life, time, circumstances, emotions, thoughts, moods, states, luck, misfortune, etc etc.

Holding onto nothing, holding back nothing.

Just living.

All free.

#journal #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #girl blogger #freedom

Luck is a communal property.

Shared equally.

Like the farmers with only a yard to cultivate, gathering all the farmer folks, getting themselves a communal land, vast and prosperous.

Growing potato, corn, wheat, raddish, everything that one needs to fill their stomach.

As the harvesting season hits, all farmers take what they need and leave some for the next.

Sometimes you will be lucky and someone else won't, sometimes they will be lucky and you won't.

I know “manifesting” techniques are cool and all but if in life we have to do all this mental gymnastics to feel safe and sane, I don't want that “safety.”

I know the idea that by hacking a certain wire in your brain, by hypnotizing your own mindset you can perhaps be so lucky, drawing in only the best. But luck is a communal property.

A communal pond, a communal farm.

Everything inside it, is for all to share.

If one day you feel unlucky, think of it as someone else getting their part and turn of luck.

If one day you are lucky, and someone else isn't, think of it as your turn.

It's going to be okay.

Even if our mind isn't the most magnetic to good fortune. It's going to be okay.

Live freely.

Hoarding luck and making yourself to be forever lucky, is not freedom.

It's repeating something you believe is good.

So be unlucky here and there, get some sprinkle of inconveniences here and there.

You bravely existing existence.

You can handle it!