Dance, then, wherever you may be

Arospec acespec, statistics/applied math prof who does atmos sci, Texlahoman in exile. I talk a lot about books, being aspec, and sports.

[numberdance]

I’m also being a nervous as hell TCU football fan, so it’s just sports anxiety central over here

[numberdance]

runs please

lol, I only posted once for the ALDS last year and not at all for the ALCS or the World Series

I am probably once again not going to post, but to be very clear, I remain an extremely nervous fan. After Game 1 I requested on Twitter that the following games be 98% less stressful.

To this point, the Stros have not heeded this request.

[numberdance]

I’m not really here, but...

*clap clap clap clap*

[numberdance]

Three outs away, and even with this lead I don’t feel like I can trust it, not until things are really over.

(It’s this weird happiness and dread and “wait, I’m happy?” mix of feelings again.)

[numberdance]

There are no ramps that we can make echo, but I want to, I wish I could, and it feels good to want that.

I’m just going to be over here feeling things about the fact that I’m happy.

[numberdance]

afraid to breathe in the direction of this game

[numberdance]

So many things hurt. Because management has handled things so badly, first and foremost. (It feels like a betrayal, even though I wasn’t that surprised.) And then in this series–the offense can be so much better than it was at critical times. The defense, too. And of course, the bullpen. (Though the bullpen was the weak point all along, and so little attention was paid to that.)

But still… this season. Another best ever record. So much fun. Making it through injuries. Two aces, and then three. And three playoff series that were *fights* to the very end.

I think about myself at age 10, with tickets to the Game 5 that wasn’t, and how much 2017 meant in light of that. And I think of myself a few years on from that, 13 and 14 and 15, and how it felt–not even in the worst of the doldrums yet–like those days would never come again. And the past three or even five years, all of them, have been such a blessing.

Last year, after the three Stros losses at home to drop the ALCS, I said that I was frustrated and in love and not going anywhere, and here I am today, telling you the same.

I am frustrated. I am still in love. I am still not going anywhere. And once again, neither is most of this team.

So thanks for doing this with me, Stros loves (and for bearing with me, the rest of y'all).  See you in spring <3.

[numberdance]

I know no one wants to still be talking about this, but I haven’t said anything, so here I am. Talking about it.

I’ve wrestled--a lot--with whether this was still true. Thought about saying something when the rumors started, and then again in January, when it all came fully to light. But I didn’t.

Today the Astros won their first playoff game. They made it by virtue of the expanded playoffs this year after ending this shortened, nonsense regular season below .500.

I did not watch today.

I have not watched an MLB game this year.

I love baseball. I love baseball. And I haven’t known how to deal with it this year--I mean, especially given the pandemic and racist police brutality meaning I wasn’t sure there should even be baseball--so I just... haven’t. I want to, kind of. But I haven’t.

Because here’s the thing: “I am frustrated. I am still in love. I am not going anywhere.” Those words? They are still true. I kind of wish they weren’t, but that’s what I’ve figured out. That I’m still a Stros fan, even though I kind of hate it here right now.

I don’t know if I’m going to watch them. I hope I watch some of the playoffs. I hope I don’t just... absent baseball from a year of my life, because I didn’t really get college ball this year, either.

I know 2017 stands, but I feel the invisible asterisk, and it taints 2018 and 2019, too. Not 2015, except yes, 2015 too, because part of the problem was culture in the front office, and for me that tarnishes the whole rebuild. So right now, it feels like I don’t really know what it is that I love.

My problem is that it’s tied up in identity. It’s not about heroes or thinking they were perfect or being let down by them, though I am. It’s because of what I always talk about. The summers sitting on the first base line, visiting my grandparents in Houston, watching in person and on TV. The years of reading the box scores every morning, my dad sending me box scores by snail mail at camp. The memories of 2004 and 2005, especially 2005. My dad texting me that night in 2017. It’s family and memory and it burrows in, you know? It’s not easy to extract that.

But lots of people do.

I want to be less ashamed of still being in love. I also want to be less in love, kind of on principle.

So, that’s where I’m at. But... well.

One down, twelve to go.

[aro-acethetic]

Aroace + books + ballet + light academia for the anon!!

Keep reading

[aro-acethetic]

Aromantic + baseball + @aroace-from-space!!!!!

Keep reading

[numberdance]

So many things hurt. Because management has handled things so badly, first and foremost. (It feels like a betrayal, even though I wasn't that surprised.) And then in this series--the offense can be so much better than it was at critical times. The defense, too. And of course, the bullpen. (Though the bullpen was the weak point all along, and so little attention was paid to that.)

But still... this season. Another best ever record. So much fun. Making it through injuries. Two aces, and then three. And three playoff series that were *fights* to the very end.

I think about myself at age 10, with tickets to the Game 5 that wasn't, and how much 2017 meant in light of that. And I think of myself a few years on from that, 13 and 14 and 15, and how it felt--not even in the worst of the doldrums yet--like those days would never come again. And the past three or even five years, all of them, have been such a blessing.

Last year, after the three Stros losses at home to drop the ALCS, I said that I was frustrated and in love and not going anywhere, and here I am today, telling you the same.

I am frustrated. I am still in love. I am still not going anywhere. And once again, neither is most of this team.

So thanks for doing this with me, Stros loves (and for bearing with me, the rest of y'all).  See you in spring <3.

[numberdance]

2-6.

[numberdance]

Smith in to pitch the 9th.

And he gives up a hit.

[numberdance]

The bases are loaded with an out, Urquidy’s coming in, and I just.

am kind of out of words, y’all

[numberdance]

Smith in to pitch the 9th.

And he gives up a hit.

[numberdance]

Make that three outs worth of chances.

Three quick defensive outs here, please, and then... magic. I’m hoping for magic.

[numberdance]

Nats have two outs, runners on the corners, Pressly is coming in for Osuna.

[numberdance]

Pressly gets the one out he needs.

Bats. please. now. Pretty please? You have six outs worth of time, my darlings.

[numberdance]

Nats have two outs, runners on the corners, Pressly is coming in for Osuna.

[numberdance]

2-4, I don’t want to talk about it