It's the New YEar! another year older - in four months I turn 23, getting close to that quarter life crisis. Right now on my mind are silly, romantic things. gotta document the fact that I still check up on byās FB/relationship status. sad that in my journal years ago I was so naive. now we live in the same city but he found someone to love. i really screwed that one up. Which is why I donāt want history to repeat itself with N. things are different with him though - Iām not exactly hesitant to commit as i was with By. Of course this situation is also much different. N just moved away. and Iām certainly suspicious of myself - maybe I like him because he is far. i can romanticize the idea of us. but maybe my non-aversion to attachment to him is a sign of growth, that Iāve matured from the naive girl who couldnāt sleep over at Byās house. Iām choosing to believe this. because Iām not that anymore and if I were Iād be concerned. It was nice to open up. for some reason i felt so drawn to him like we just clicked. It was easy. I felt āsureā for the most part.Ā
NS CY*seattle JW*FSU BL MJ*BRT JC*AC Halloween
and we truly werenāt given the chance to actually date. ok not true, but I feel as though I only know him on some semi-superficial level. I donāt know his struggles, vices, or problems and he certainly doesnāt know mine. and I doubt that keeps him up at night. It does concern me though because I like these talks and we never had them because we were riding out the Honey Moon Phase, and still are. I have this confidence with him but I donāt know how healthy it is.
and I got to wonder - am I only into this out of boredom? Amd why am I questioning all this and boredom. But I do have an urge to love and be loved; maybe my hormones are having to do with that. And also Iām a girl with all these feelings. I think thereās some entry I made in 2013 about how I felt I wasnāt capable of feelings. hah. dramatic old me. I guess youāre capable of what believe you are.
In 2017 I hardly wrote about boys. I hated the idea of whining about it in Dear Diary fashion but now it seems so adolescent/innocent that I like it. plus it obviously helps me to write my thoughts no matter how cringey they are.
S told me she wrote in her journal that N and I are soulmates and would get married. I was so shocked. to me I always thought the Tallahassee genepool and I didnāt mix, and maybe he is just the one in the new pool that worked. But she could be right? How would I even know. I guess it has to be mutual and it always felt like he liked me as much or more. We were both equally vocal about this which fascinated me. especially as I deal with BC who is the solid opposite -and Iām not really ready to ātalkā about that, though I should. how long does it take to fall in love, what is it, and does it go away?
B thinks he loves me, but Ā surely love is only love when it is reciprocated. or maybe love is .. no. i guess Iām not qualified yet but my intuitions say that the love is best when its mutual - basic concepts here. and Iām doing the bare nothing . iI have no idea how he can even still tolerate my mere presence - yet heās conditioned himself as if its part of his daily routine. and Ā our friendship that used to give me bubbles makes me feel nauseated . Another friendship ruined due to failed communication? I should probably accept responsibility here as history shows I am the one who fails her. JH by prime example. And that haunted me for a bit. so if N keeps coming back to nyc - hopefully we Ā can at least stay honest with each other. I do miss him and wish he were here.
