This is a really deep pull, but. I remember some years back you got an ask/curiouscat/something along the lines of, "You're not undesirable, you're just not your own type." And I remember it resonating, at least in the moment. It definitely helped me to realize that, at least. Did it wind up sticking with you?
Honestly, I've forgotten about that statement as I often forget or let any semblance of advice slip through the wrinkles of my mind. I suppose it was effective in the moment as it was a clever statement to make, but it didn't really move me or resonate with me well enough to stick with me throughout the years. I suppose I can reflect on it now though since you've presented it to me. Fair warning though, I'm gonna ramble.
I've been so cynical and even existentially nihilistic at times that any sort of genuine care or concern for my mental or physical health has been met with half-assed acceptance just to get people to stop trying to be my therapist online because more often than not, these people knew nothing about me and I didn't want to open up to them.
My tendency to push people away from myself was mostly me convincing myself that nobody had any reason to be around me or be my friend, so I'd remove them or cut contact with them before even trying to engage conversation or a means of reconnecting. Been stuck with this perpetual assumption that this would save them the trouble of having to deal with me being a self-hating mope, constantly questioning our bond just because I couldn't find a reason to validate myself, needing them to define my worth or value.
I understand somewhat better nowadays. I'm not completely washed clean of my self-loathing issues, but I've been gradually learning that sabotaging myself and holding myself back from progressing and improving isn't something I actually deserve, as anything I've done that warranted punishment or ridicule is long past me and my dues are well beyond paid. My mistakes and failures are just things I have to continue to move onward from.
So, I suppose I am trying to become "my own type"? I just want to be a better person, by my own standards. Like yeah, being accepted and validated by people around me is nice, but it'd actually make sense to me and mean a whole lot more if I can learn to accept and validate myself first. That whole "you can't truly love someone until you love yourself" nonsense rings pretty true in my case. If I'm not going to love myself, then nobody is, no matter how much they try, my perspective of their love could be seen as pity or obligation, and thus rendering their love as pointless acts of kindness in my eyes.
That's a miserable way to live and I'm not really thrilled about being almost thirty-years old and miserable. I want to be above this.
