reflections
Tomorrow marks a year since I last self-harmed.
365 days.
For someone who relied on self-harm as a coping strategy on-and-off for 5 years of my life that fact does not seem possible, it does not seem possible to me that I have survived for 365 days all on my own, without listening to my old 'friend', the deceitful, anxiety ridden companion which has plagued the crevices of my psyche for so long, and will continue to inhabit the darkest of them for many years - a fact that may haunt me for some time.
In those 365 days I have faced some of the most turbulent times of my 19 years, I have gone through personal trauma, I have sat my A-Levels (a feat which on plenty of days, I thought would be impossible to accomplish), I have started life at Cambridge, and I have thrived. I choose not to measure this year in terms of the struggles I have faced and the tears that have been shed but instead, I measure this year in love. I measure these 365 days in the love I have learnt to carry for myself, my skin's ability to heal and my heart's ability to forgive; but also to the love that I have shown others, the relationships I have forged, and the people who have loved me unconditionally along the way.
This is only the beginning, the struggle is far from over and there are days where I have been very close to cutting this milestone short, to not reaching my 365 days, to not reaching the 'tomorrow' I promised myself. But, as the flowers begin to bloom and the sun shows its face again, I choose to give myself another chance, I choose to allow myself to grow and give my body and my mind space to figure out the new place I find myself in. I choose to measure the life that lays before me in love, forgiveness and most importantly in compassion - for the wonderful human beings who surround and protect me. Most importantly though, in the love, forgiveness and compassion that I vow to find for myself, my own mind and my own skin.
A lesson that spring teaches is that new beginnings are always possible, they don't have to occur on January 1st. Things can begin again whenever you goddamn choose and I hope, as the flowers begin to bloom, that you too can rise from the darkness of winter and show your grace, beauty and light once more.
