Starlight

Good Afternoon, my name is Kurt and this is my poetry blog.

[occasionallyartsy]

I remember one of the last things I sent to you Was "are we gonna be ok?"

Maybe it wasn't my last Or even close to the date when we ended. But I still remember it clearly.

I remember the 2 minutes afterwards Beating in my heart over and over again What will She say?

I remember.

You said "We'll be ok."

It wasn't your first lie. Or your last. But it's the one that I remember the most.

i remember // Kurt Zen // 07-15-23

[occasionallyartsy]

I listen to love songs right,

And it's frustrating.

It's frustrating because I don't love anyone. I don't dream of anyone, I don't want anyone.

And it's not because I don't want anyone it's because I don't have someone to want.

And I really want someone to want.

I want it really bad.

I want someone who wants to dance with me. Or sing some songs.

I know the idea of her, I think I know how she looks like.

Something like that.

I just wish I had someone to chase,

Someone to obsess over.

I need someone to check and make sure that my heart still beats, My brain still wants, That I still want to have some damn sex.

I don't care if she doesn't like me back, I just want to stop feeling like a robot.

How do you describe the loneliness that comes from wanting to have someone shatter your heart into a million pieces?

love songs // Kurt Zen // 07-13-23

[occasionallyartsy]

I hate to admit it but I'm still waiting for the promises you told me. It's been 3 months now and I'm still waiting. I don't know when I'll stop.

// Letters to lost lovers 07/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-28

[occasionallyartsy]

[occasionallyartsy]

I could never remember your face. I thought that made you special, but maybe it meant this end was fate.

// Letters to lost lovers 06/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-20

[occasionallyartsy]

I wished you tried harder to get me back. Because I've still been holding on to these reasons why we should never be back together. And they're starting to become the opposite.

// Letters to lost lovers 05/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-10

[occasionallyartsy]

I'm not a coffee person. But you were. So now when I drink that bitter caffeine, it feels like a kiss from someone I miss.

// Letters to lost lovers 04/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-01

[occasionallyartsy]

You know, I haven't updated my journal since we broke up. I don't want to write down that we ended. It will make it real, and I'm not ready for that yet.

// Letters to lost lovers 03/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-01

[occasionallyartsy]

I'm sorry I keep writing about what we've done. It's just, every time I write about something we did, I finally let myself forget it.

// Letters to lost lovers 02/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-04-01

[occasionallyartsy]

When I left your house on that day at 4 in the morning, I took my slippers home with me.

I probably wasn't coming back.

I took it all in burned in my memory Stared at the kitchen for a little while The dining table. The other guest room.

I stood in your room for a few minutes.

Deep breath. Sweet. Strawberry Pound Cake. To me, it always smelled like gummi bears. You always smelled like gummi bears.

I grabbed my things from your closet, Sorry about that. I didn't mess anything up, I don't think, My things were in a stack at the top to the right side.

I shouldn't be coming back.

I Returned to my room. "My room." Your guest room now. Just another guest room.

I returned to the guest room.

I wish I didn't do this. I wish I wouldn't try to remember. I really won't be coming back.

Everything in the bag. The bag that you gifted me. Hm. Everything in the bag. I was supposed to sleep a little bit, But my heart pounded too hard for that.

Folding the blanket, One last time. Arranging the pillows, One last time.

I left the pillow you'd always let me use back on your bed.

I put on my shoes, Stepping into the cold. Was it cold? I felt the wind was biting, somehow.

Before I left, I stared at the house.

In the back of my mind, I still wanted to come back. At least, Right then and there, My heart wasn't ready to go.

But I will not.

I will not be coming back.

Back // Kurt Zen // 04-01-23

[occasionallyartsy]

When I find the love of my life, what will I call you? A missed chance? A lost opportunity? Or maybe you're the reason I never fall in love again?

// Letters to lost lovers 01/? // Kurt Zen // 2023-03-18

[occasionallyartsy]

Crossroads

It feels like I'm at another crossroads.

And every time I'm here, I feel like I've been shoved here by fate or circumstance.

Unable to decide which direction to go because I wasn't expecting to even be making a decision.

How frustrating.

Just once I'd like to waltz here myself, Confident, Crashing through, Turning toward a path, Then pressing forward, With no hesitation, No moment of weakness, Certain in myself.

Instead of stumbling through the doorway,

With nothing to my name,

And wishing I could just turn around and stay here just a little longer.

Crossroads // Kurt Zen // 03-09-23

[occasionallyartsy]

Winter

We're a winter couple The kind that pairs in September and melts when spring comes.

Destined to never see a beach together Or go on a summer trip Or see the fourth of July.

I think we're just cold A bit lonely in the fall season Huddling together for warmth Until you remember you have better And I remember we're better not together.

I hope you think of me when you kiss someone else's lips And I'll remember you when I go on my next trip.

But it still hurts you know Because I'd had imagined those palm trees And Seoul skyline And fireworks with you next to me.

Because I had rewritten my plans Expecting to pay for two tickets A bigger hotel room An extra chair at the table.

And even if this is better for me For you Sometimes just like medicine The bitter lingers for a while.

And I wonder if it would have been nicer To huddle under the blankets Lovesick For a little longer.

[occasionallyartsy]

Her and You.

Hey Love,

Fancy meeting you here again.

I'm talking to you here, instead of the you out there, because this is where you are for me, In my notebook is where you lived.

I fell in love with you quickly, We said it before we became official, I think, I think I'll always fall in love fast. Well, maybe, Maybe it was you that made it happen so swiftly.

I think I'm a bit rusty with these.

September 24th. It was a quiet celebration. One full of giggles and smiles. I don't remember it well, but I remember it was perfect. Perfect for us.

I hope you enjoy your stuffed toy for your birthday- It's much less than what you gave me for mine. I hope you don't mind, we weren't dating when I got it for you, I mean, I bought you another toy too which I wonder if you'll still use.

The you who is out here, She's similar to the you from back then, She's childish and cute and silly, But perhaps a bit too much. She's a bit harsh, and sucks at talking, Like seriously, sucks at talking.

Unless she wants to, Unless she wants to.

She said she loved me, But I don't think that's true. She had stopped talking to me. She started to ignore me.

So that's why I'm talking to you, Since you're who I want you to be, I can make believe that you love me, And in my head, you do.

I think I'm in love with you, This cute, bubbly, flirty you, Who always reminded me of gummy bears. Just, unbelievably sweet. A little pudgy and lovely.

I had planned a lot of things with you, We wanted a small wedding and a big honeymoon, A trip to Korea, for sure, But Hawaii, Japan, Alaska were on the list too.

I made you promise to let me hang pixie lights in the living room, And told you I prefer a 75:25 sink. You said you wanted a dog at the minimum, And at least one more pet.

We were definitely a problem, We flirted too much, Found ourselves under the covers quite often, Couldn't keep our hands to ourselves.

But I loved it all, And I still love you, love. But I think you are dead, Or I made you all up.

I don't think I can thank you anymore, I remember I did before, I had thought you had made me better, But really, that was just me. I am still driving myself forward, With or without you.

I used to be proud, you know, love? Of this girl out here. I was proud 8 years ago, And I was proud a month ago too.

Now I am not. I have learned my lesson. She is not independent. She is trapped and needs guidance. As far as I can tell.

But you, love, you are perfect, You are all that is good, You tried your best to work on things, You helped your mother, And attended church, And loved me back, and I fell in love with that.

I love you, love. And thank you for your time.

But for this girl out here, Good luck... I Guess.

[occasionallyartsy]

When I was younger

2022-07-09

When I was younger, I used to write poems, I don't anymore but I still think like I do. I organize my thoughts in rhymes and with tempo. Like a to-do list is something you'd write a song about.

When I was younger, this is how I'd organize my thoughts, Just like numbers, words made more sense with labeled axis. The first line in each stanza would repeat, the size of each stanza, consistent. This makes sense. Somehow

When I was younger, I'd sing on drives home, I could hit all the notes, or was that my imagination? I remember the lyrics more than my friends That's probably sad but I haven't thought about it hard enough yet.

When I was younger, I'd fall in love a lot. It felt like I was always missing a piece. Like some girl would be what makes me more confident. Actually handsome. Somehow productive. It never was. I don't fall in love anymore.

At least

I didn't think I'd fall in love again. I didn't think the same person. I didn't think at 26. I didn't think I would care this much.

When I was younger, I used to write poems. I guess I still do, but I used to, too.

[occasionallyartsy]

[occasionallyartsy]

Sucks

You know, My mom makes fun of you sometimes. She tells all the guests who come on thanksgiving and say “Oh! Kurt! … do you have a girlfriend?” And then they give me the face. I’m sure you know it. It’s the one that says “I definitely won’t tell anyone” even though you know they’ll tell the next person they see. Then my mom cuts in, “He HAD one.” She says. Just like that. “HAD.” In the most annoyed tone. Or a tone that sounds like she’s disappointed in you or something. I laugh. It’s habitual at this point, I’m sorry. And my mom takes it away, she answers for me. She calls you indecisive and annoying and you know all of that stuff. They ask who who who who. And I make sure my mom never tells them who who who who. Don’t worry. I got your back or something.

And I sneak away while they talk about how fat I’ve become or something like that. Then I sit in my room and stare outside because I miss having someone to text when I’m in these situations. Yea, that’s all really. Does it count as missing you? Sure. If you want it to.

I wonder why my mom sounds so annoyed. It’s not like she was the one getting broke up on, I don’t even know if she knows how that feels. I think dad was her first boyfriend. Or maybe she’s like you and as the relationship winded down you started telling me how we weren’t actually a real couple. Hm, strange… we held hands like a real couple, we slept like a real couple, we texted things only real couples should. But hey, maybe I’m special. Maybe I’m magic or something and I can only be the boyfriend of special people. Sure. Whatever.

And I guess it’s just days like this that make me feel like I miss you. Days where the sun is up there somewhere but we can’t find it, And I look back down to the ground because I can’t stand looking at the sky for too long now. Because these days feel like April 7th, Yes I remember the date, When I left early to get work done but then decided that class wasn’t worth it that day. It was you. You ruined that day. But I can’t blame you because apparently I ruined your life. Sorry. I guess.

Sucks, doesn’t it. To just sit here and not really want to live anymore. I crave suicide in the most childish way. I wouldn’t dare put a gun to my head or jump off a ledge, But I wouldn’t mind crossing the street without looking both ways. Yea. It does suck, doesn’t it. But hey, it’s Monday. And I should get back to work.

Sucks // Kurt Zen // 2015/11/05